by Tracey Smith
“Hey Ty.” She said as she reached the bottom step.
“Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to go to the beach today? I packed a lunch…” I trailed off when I saw her expression change. Her smile faded.
“Oh… I’m sorry Tyler, but I have a… friend coming over.” She looked nervous and upset.
“Oh, sure. No big deal.” I told her trying to sound casual.
I was disappointed, but I could wait. So maybe the beach picnic I’d planned wouldn’t happen today. I still had tonight. She played for me every night after dinner. I would kiss her then. Nothing was going to stop me. Or so I’d thought.
The doorbell rang as Destiny and I stood in the foyer facing each other and she looked anxiously over my shoulder towards the door.
“I’ll get it.” I told her and went to answer the door.
I opened the door expecting to find Destiny’s friend standing on the other side. I hadn’t expected him to be a guy.
“Is Destiny here?” he asked confidently, knowing she was.
I didn’t say anything. My pulse raced and my fists clenched involuntarily. I sized him up and decided I could take him. He was a few inches shorter than me and he looked soft. Probably hadn’t done an honest day’s work in his life. I imagined his only source of exercise was probably a rousing game of tennis at the local country club. He wore a polo shirt and khaki shorts and looked just like I’d expect a pampered little rich boy to look.
“Hi Blake.” I heard Destiny’s voice at my side and turned to face her betrayal burning in my eyes. She looked back at me apologetically.
“Hey Destiny.” Blake said oblivious to the tension “Ready?”
“Sure.” Destiny said quietly looking down at her feet. “Tyler this is Blake a… friend from school.” This time I noticed how she paused before referring to him as a friend.
“Nice to meet you.” Blake said extending his hand. I wanted to punch the smug smile right off his face. Instead I turned around and walked away.
“Friendly guy.” I heard Blake mutter behind me as I climbed the stairs two at a time.
I wanted to punch something, but I decided against putting a hole in Aunt Katherine’s wall. I paced my room furiously. Not sure who I was more angry with. Destiny for not telling me she had a boyfriend, or myself for again assuming that she was showing some kind of interest in me.
I sat in my room all day as my anger simmered. I was going to confront her about it when she got home. How long had she been seeing him? She’d never mentioned him before. How serious were they? Couldn’t be too serious, he hadn’t been around for the last month that I’d been here. What did she see in that little punk? I was going to find out. Tonight when she played for me, we’d talk about this.
Except she didn’t come home for dinner. She didn’t come home for hours. As the time passed I shifted from feeling angry and betrayed to feeling embarrassed and foolish for thinking I had some sort of claim on her. I was still just “Little Tyler” to her. Some poor kid whose parents had died, who she was trying to cheer up. When would I learn that she didn’t feel about me the way I felt about her. When would I finally stop setting myself up to be hurt?
Chapter 11: Feelings
Like a coward I avoided coming home and facing Tyler. Blake had been vacationing with his parents for the summer, and I hadn’t even thought about him until he called.
He’d asked me to go sailing with him and I thought that would be a good time to let him know that I had been accepted into Juilliard and that I’d be leaving for New York soon. I had my speech all prepared about how long distance relationships didn’t work and how it was time for us to both move on with our lives.
Blake and I had never shared a strong bond. We had the same group of high school friends and a comfortable relationship, but I wasn’t in high school anymore and nothing tied me to Blake. There were no feelings strong enough that made me want to keep a connection with him. I was going to let him down easy and I figured it would be a mutual separation. He’d never declared strong feelings for me either.
I hadn’t anticipated Tyler’s involvement or reaction to seeing Blake. I was just anxious to get the day over with. When Tyler caught me coming down the stairs and asked me to go to the beach I was surprised by how much I really wanted to go. I would’ve much rather spent a day at the beach with Tyler than face the uncomfortable afternoon that was ahead of me. But Blake was already on his way.
When Tyler answered the door and saw Blake the look of pain on his face broke my heart. I wanted to explain, but how could I with Blake standing right there? Tyler looked like he was going to kill him and suddenly I realized just how big and strong Tyler had become. He stood several inches taller than Blake. The tendons and muscles in his strong arms flexed as his fists clenched and I saw the muscle in his jaw pop.
His dark brooding figure was such a stark contrast to the pale soft boy standing in front of him. Even though Blake was a few years older than Tyler I had no doubt that Tyler could destroy him.
Nervously I tried to make introductions, not sure what else to say, but Tyler just stormed away up the stairs.
Now I was terrified to come home. To face him. Would he be angry with me? He had looked furious. Surely he didn’t expect that I’d never dated. Then again I hadn’t ever told him about Blake, almost deliberately. Why did I feel like I’d betrayed him? We were just friends. Weren’t we? I wasn’t sure what we were, but that classification didn’t seem right. Whatever we were I knew I’d hurt Tyler again and I didn’t know how to face him.
After a rather impassive break up with Blake, I was left to deal with the myriad of emotions I was feeling toward Tyler. When I got home instead of going inside I walked down to the beach. I walked along the shore and tried to sort through my feelings. I decided before facing Tyler I needed to figure out exactly how I felt about him.
Of course I loved him, I’d always loved him, I’d known him my whole life. As children I had called him my cousin, although there was no blood relation. At times he’d been like a brother to me, definitely a close friend, a confidant. But something told me that what I was feeling now was not at all brotherly love or even just friendship. I thought about how much I loved my younger brother Chance. The feelings I had for Tyler were definitely different, but he was still Tyler. I had known him my whole life.
I thought of the story my mom always told me about the first time she’d seen my dad in college. Their eyes had met across a crowded room and she was captivated by this handsome mysterious stranger. It was so romantic. It’s what I’d always expected, what I’d hoped for. The love of my life was going to be some rugged stranger who swept me off my feet, not my childhood best friend. Not the boy who threw up all over me at my 10th birthday party.
But when I thought of Tyler now he wasn’t that boy anymore. My heart fluttered as I remembered the kiss we’d shared last summer. And I felt a pang of regret as I remembered how much I’d hurt him after that kiss.
I thought of kisses I’d shared with Blake while we were dating. None of them had stirred inside me the feelings I’d had when Tyler had kissed me. Tyler had been my first kiss. At first I had thought the excitement and rush of emotion was simply caused by kissing. But after kissing someone else I began to wonder if that feeling only came with the first kiss. I had never felt that with Blake.
I thought about the intensity that I’d seen in Tyler’s eyes recently. The way it made my stomach flip and my pulse race. Lately I’d been wondering what it would be like to kiss Tyler again.
He had changed a lot in one year. He was even taller, stronger, more… male. He was definitely not a boy anymore. The work program he’d been in had removed any trace of boyish softness left in his face. He was all hard lines and sharp angles now, high cheekbones and golden skin, dark brooding eyes that seemed to bore straight through me at times. Thinking of his eyes made me jittery and excited. Thinking of how they’d looked when he saw Blake made me cringe.
I had to explain. I had to face
him. I had to face the feelings I had for him and that I suspected he had for me.
I walked along the beach until the sun had set and a chill had overtaken the warmth of the day. Finally I headed for home. Ready to face Tyler.
Chapter 12: Goodbyes
I couldn’t face Destiny when she finally came home that night. I heard her come home. Listened as she walked down the hall toward my room paused then turned back to her own. I would not go out to see her. Would not let her know that I’d waited up for her to return.
She was preparing to leave for New York soon. Yesterday the idea of her leaving was almost unbearable, now it was a relief. I wouldn’t have to avoid her for long, and it would be easier once she was gone. At least I had to believe it would be. Easier than seeing her every day and knowing that she would never feel the way I felt.
The next morning I stayed in my room until I knew she would have left for the bakery to help her mom. Finally when I thought it was safe I made my way downstairs to rummage through the kitchen for some breakfast.
I still felt like I was living in a hotel as I walked down one side of the twin winding staircases in the grand front room. I passed through the large dining room, which had always intimidated me a little with the large crystal chandelier overhead and the antique china hutch against the wall. The room seemed too fragile. I was always afraid to breathe in here. I easily found my way through to the large chef’s kitchen and began exploring the industrial sized stainless steel refrigerator. I wondered what it must’ve been like growing up in a house like this.
“Morning Tyler.” Uncle Mike’s voice startled me and I turned to face him with the armful of food I’d just scavenged from the fridge.
“Hungry this morning?” he laughed
“Yeah, I missed breakfast.” I felt uncomfortable even though they’d insisted over and over that I make myself at home.
“I noticed that. Feeling ok?” he asked
“Yeah fine, just a little tired I guess.”
“I could use some help in the studio today, if you’re up for it.”
I was happy to help with whatever he needed, but I wasn’t sure what exactly I could do in his studio. I didn’t know a thing about art.
“Um. I guess. I don’t really know how to paint.”
“Actually I’m trying to get it cleaned out. It’s a mess and your Aunt Katherine keeps bugging me to organize.”
Manual labor, now that was something I did know.
“Oh, okay. I can help with that.”
“Great. Go ahead and have something to eat, when you’re done I’ll be in the studio.”
When I finished eating I made my way back out of the kitchen through the formal dining room into the foyer again. I passed across the marble tiled entryway to the living room on the other side. I had always been more comfortable in this room with the big plush leather couches and chairs and the large entertainment system encased along the far wall. It felt homier and much less formal. The large stone fireplace gave the room a rustic feel along with the heavy wooden tables. Nothing breakable in here. I crossed the living room to the long hall on the other side that led toward Uncle Mike’s studio. Hung along the walls of the long corridor were portraits of Destiny on one side and Chance on the other.
I laughed when I realized that Chance had had his wickedly charming smile since birth. I looked at each of Destiny’s paintings as I passed watching her progressively age. I had been to each of her birthday parties as children and I recognized each scene. Destiny dressed like a princess atop a white horse. Destiny behind the wheel of a yacht in a sailor’s dress. I allowed my mind to wander through the memories as I passed down the hall, and so of course she was heavy on my mind when I reached the studio.
Uncle Mike was already hard at work loading cardboard boxes with empty cans.
“Hey Ty. How about I load and you haul?” He said as he threw a few more objects into the boxes.
“I have the truck pulled up to the back door. Here you can carry these boxes out to the truck as I fill them.”
Nodding in agreement I bent down to pick up the first of the boxes. We worked in companionable silence for a few minutes, while I continued on my trip down memory lane.
I remembered coming here as a kid. Playing with Destiny in the backyard. I used to think it’d be so cool to live in such a big house, but never imagined the circumstances that would bring me here. Back then life was so uncomplicated. Destiny was my best friend, we explored forests and shared secrets. There was no confusion then, no awkwardness. I wished we could go back to those days, but I knew they were gone. We were both grown now, and soon she’d be leaving.
“How long before Destiny leaves for New York?” I asked the question abruptly but Uncle Mike didn’t seem surprised.
“Just one more week. Her mother is going to be devastated.” He said it lightly but I heard the undertone of concern in his voice.
I felt my throat tighten at the thought of only one more week. I thought I’d have longer. This was better I tried to tell myself, it would be easier when she was gone. I wished I could believe that.
“I know you’re going to miss her Tyler.” Uncle Mike said and for the first time I noticed he’d stopped loading boxes. He looked at me with a concern that made me uncomfortable.
“Yeah.” I said looking at my feet. I wasn’t sure what else to say.
“She’ll miss you too.” He assured me. “You’ve been a good friend to her.”
“Yeah, just like a little brother.” I muttered picking up another box to carry to the truck and hoping he’d drop the subject.
He got the hint and went back to work, but he watched me closely. I could feel it. When he’d finally sifted out everything he wanted to discard and the truck was loaded down he tossed me the keys.
“Want to run that load to the dump for me?” he asked
“Seriously?”
“Sure, you’ve got your license right?”
“Yeah”
“Know how to get there?”
“Sure.”
“Okay then. I’m going to start trying to make sense of the rest of this mess. It’d be great if you could drop that stuff off for me.”
“No problem.” I said jumping up and heading for the door.
I didn’t have my own car and had been given few opportunities to drive since I’d received my license. I was thrilled at the prospect.
I drove extra carefully, afraid to do anything that would damage the trust Uncle Mike had given me. I made the trip to the landfill and unloaded the boxes then came straight back. Nobody had ever trusted me to drive their car before.
“That was quick.” Uncle Mike said when I got back.
I shrugged trying to act like that hadn’t been one of the most thrilling experiences of my life and then handed him back his keys.
“Why don’t you hang on to those.” He said looking down at the keys.
“Really?”
“Sure. It’s an old truck but it runs good. No one else is using it. I just keep it around for work projects. You’re going to need a car to get to and from school pretty soon anyway. So long as you let me use it when I need it I don’t see why you couldn’t drive it around.”
“Wow thanks!” I said looking down at the keys in my hand like they were gold.
“No problem. Hey I think I’ve about finished up here. You don’t have to hang around.” He told me
“Oh, okay.” I said not sure how to spend the rest of my afternoon. Destiny and Aunt Katherine would be at the bakery until dinner time. Chance was at summer camp. The house was empty and I was restless.
“It’s alright if you want to go for a drive. I know you’ve got to be getting tired of sitting around the house all day.”
“Really?” I said again
“Sure, you’re old enough to be allowed to go out on your own. I know you’re a responsible kid.” Nobody had ever called me that.
“Man, thanks Uncle Mike. I really don’t know what to say.”
“Do
n’t sweat it kid.”
I decided rather than standing there fumbling over my appreciation I would take his suggestion and go for a ride. The feeling of freedom to come and go as I pleased was exhilarating.
As I drove through the city exploring old sights I thought about how much my life had changed. I was back in San Diego, I had my own car, I lived in a huge house… and all I’d had to give up was my parents. I suddenly felt guilty for being so happy. I knew they would want me to be happy, but still I felt like somehow I was betraying them.
I hadn’t even realized where I’d been driving until I found myself in my old neighborhood. I drove past my childhood home and was relieved to see that it still looked the same. Somehow that made the past more real.
I drove for hours, reveling in the freedom of it. Until the gas light came on and I realized I had no cash to refill the tank. Immediately I decided that I needed to find a job. I couldn’t ask my Aunt and Uncle for money, not after everything they’d already done for me.
I headed back home long after dark, and only because I was running low on gas. I could’ve stayed out all night. The independence of being behind the wheel helped me to forget the helpless confusion I felt around Destiny. The house was dark when I pulled up and I realized with some relief that she’d probably be asleep and I wouldn’t have to face her tonight.
Uncle Mike was in the living room when I got home. He had been reading but put his book down once he saw me. I wondered anxiously if he’d been waiting up for me. I stood in the foyer nervous as he approached, not sure if I was in trouble for staying out so late.
“Have a good time?” he asked casually
“Yeah.” I said still not sure if I was on dangerous ground.
“Good. I’m glad. Do me a favor though, give us a call and let us know if you won’t make it home for dinner.” He said handing me a cell phone. “Your Aunt Katherine worries.” He added and winked at me.
“Oh sure, okay.” I agreed and hoped she hadn’t worried too much over me tonight. I really had lost track of time.
