by Tracey Smith
Emboldened by her response I ran my hand up along her ribs as my tongue explored her mouth. I felt the curve of her breast just above my hand and slowly carefully let my hand slide over it, feeling her arch against my touch. I pulled my mouth away from hers to trail kisses along her jaw line, up to her ear and then down the long slow curve of her neck. I kissed her shoulders as I brought the other hand around to cup her other breast.
Kissing the hollow of her throat with both hands holding her soft full breasts I felt her nails dig into my back as she held me tightly pressing her body against mine. I brought my mouth back to hers and kissed her deeply. More confident this time. I pressed and probed into her mouth, feeling the desire build to the point of pain.
“Destiny I love you” I whispered against her mouth and felt a jolt of shock at how true to words were. All this time the undefined need I felt for her, the desire, the anguish, all of it was love.
“Tyler.” She said bringing her hands up between us and placing them on my chest. “I can’t”
Her words shot ice through my veins, I felt her push against me, pushing me away. I strained to hold her to me, to hold on to this moment as I frantically searched her eyes. They were filled with tears.
She pushed me back and stepped away. I stood stunned, arms still outstretched reaching for her.
“Destiny, don’t” I pleaded as I took a step toward her.
She shook her head as she took another step back.
“Tyler, it just can’t work. I live in New York. You’re still in high school.” Her words reminded me of our first kiss, her first rejection of me.
“You kissed me back.” I reminded her “You can’t tell me you didn’t feel anything.” My voice was hard now. She wouldn’t meet my eyes.
“I don’t know what to say Tyler.” She was crying now. “I just can’t.” she sobbed as she pushed past me and ran from the room.
Chapter 17: Love
Tyler was in love with me. How could I have let this happen? Our friendship had been rekindled over the summer, working together at the bakery spending weekends with Chance. All of the tension and turmoil of the holidays had been left behind us, or so I’d thought. I had been a fool to think things could go back to how they used to be with us. I had been a fool to let my guard down.
I should’ve known it could never be the same. Something had changed between us and there was no going back. When Tyler had asked me to play for him I had felt the trepidation, but I’d pushed it aside. When I’d gone to his room and found him standing there wearing nothing more than a pair of jeans I should’ve turned and run. I felt the desire inside me as I stared at his bare muscular chest. Felt the flutter of my heart as he followed me quietly down the hall.
I played for him with my eyes closed, but felt him watching me. I felt the anticipation build as the song came to its conclusion. I opened my eyes to find him staring at me. Involuntarily I’d taken a step toward him, and he’d stood to come to me closing the distance before I could think through the ramifications of the moment.
He took me into his arms and brought his mouth to mine. I couldn’t think as I felt his hard body press against me. It was so much different from our first kiss, and yet so much the same. We weren’t kids anymore, there was a new level of intensity that hadn’t been there before, but the pounding of my heart the trembling of my body and the desire surging through me were the same.
I lost myself in the kiss. Running my hands along his back, feeling his hands and mouth explore my body. No other kiss had ever done this to me. No other boy had ever made me feel like this. But he was not a boy anymore, he’d told me as much when I’d arrived this summer. And he was right. He was not a kid anymore and neither was I.
The implications of that fact began to register. He was a man and he was kissing me the way a man kissed a woman. His strong hands felt so right against my soft skin. His warm mouth felt so good against mine. I never wanted him to stop, never wanted this moment to end. But it did.
“Destiny I love you”
His words broke through my haze of passion and the utter truth of them brought me up short. What could I say? How could I respond? I wasn’t ready to answer those questions. And did the answers really matter? I lived in New York, I was achieving all my dreams, all my goals and he was still here. Still in high school. This couldn’t happen.
I pushed him away and was flooded with regret when I saw the pain in his eyes. How could I have hurt him like this again? I hated myself for it.
The only thing worse than the pain in his eyes that night, was the cool detached look he had the next morning and maintained the rest of the summer.
We didn’t speak about that night. We didn’t speak much at all. The wall was back up. I tried to tell myself it was better that way. Better to avoid the emotions I wasn’t ready to face. I tried to convince myself it was better for him too, I hoped that I was right.
I was relieved to return to New York and to the comfort of a life I could control. I had no control around Tyler. I couldn’t control his feelings for me, I couldn’t control mine for him. But I wasn’t ready to face exactly how deep those feelings ran. I had too much else to focus on right now. I was preparing myself for the career I’d always dreamed of. I was going to be a concert violinist. I was going to join a symphony orchestra. I had a plan and I was not going to be derailed. I was scared at how easily it felt like I could.
I threw myself into my studies with a frenzied fervor. I tried to fill my head with nothing but music, trying to push Tyler to the back of my mind. When I wasn’t in class I was practicing.
Since Sandra had moved out of the residence hall I was the only music major in our suite and I had taken over one of the soundproof practice rooms using it as my own personal safe haven where I could push out all other thoughts and lose myself in the music.
I had moved into one the individual rooms and Carrie had taken the other. Jason had also moved off campus but came around more often than I would have liked. He showed up uninvited regularly and would sit in our living room rambling about all the acting opportunities that he was already being offered. Boasting about how many he’d had to turn down and how in demand he’d become. I didn’t encourage his visits, but still he came.
Craig and Josh opted to keep a double room even though they were sophomores, and I assumed it was so that they could continue to share a suite with Carrie. She still strung them both along and they followed her around like little puppy dogs. The other two double rooms had been filled with entering freshman that I hadn’t really taken the time to get to know very well.
I practiced for hours every day often late into the night, trying not to let anything else into my mind. Carrie finally stopped prodding me to go out and focused her attention on Craig and Josh. Jason couldn’t seem to get the same hint. He came nearly every day even though I refused to go out with him, always having some important piece I needed to work on as an excuse. He didn’t seem deterred.
I didn’t go home for Thanksgiving. Mom was upset and even Dad called to try to convince me to come home. I told them I had too much to work on now that I was in both the Juilliard Orchestra and the Juilliard String Quartet. I had too many demands to leave. I knew I was avoiding Tyler, but I told myself my absence was for his benefit as well as my own.
Unfortunately I didn’t have as much to fill my time as I’d claimed. With the holiday break I didn’t have any upcoming concerts to prepare for. Classes were out and the residence halls were empty. I practiced until my body ached and then lay awake at night unable to sleep.
When Jason showed up the Saturday after Thanksgiving I was grateful for the opportunity to escape my self-imposed prison. I had spent way too much time locked inside my suite and accepted his invitation for a night on the town.
It felt good to get out. To have a nice meal and a real conversation, although I didn’t get to add much to the conversation. Jason was very fond of the sound of his own voice. After dinner we went to a nightclub and danced and drank
and again it felt good to let loose.
I had way too much to drink. I could barely walk as Jason guided me back to my room. I stumbled and fell onto the sofa in the living room giggling at my own lack of coordination. The room was empty. No one had returned from the Thanksgiving holiday yet. I didn’t even notice Jason lighting the candles or turning on the stereo, it just seemed like suddenly there was candlelight and music. My mind was clouded and I couldn’t focus it. I took the glass of champagne he offered and wondered idly when he’d gotten it. I didn’t remember stopping at a liquor store on the way home, but then again my memories of the evening were already patchy so maybe we had.
I drank the champagne he gave me, too drunk to realize I shouldn’t. I realized belatedly that he was stroking his hand along my leg and nuzzling at my neck. I wondered how we got to that point, wondered how long we’d been wrapped around each other on the couch.
My mind was sluggish and it didn’t seem like I was really experiencing anything, just watching from a distance. I watched as Jason removed my dress. Part of my brain shouted for him to stop, but I couldn’t bring the words to my mouth.
I felt like a rag doll being manipulated and moved without any real control over my body. My mind blanked out again for a little while, the next thing I remembered was realizing we were both naked now. I was lying on the couch with my arms limp at my sides. Jason was propped over me, kissing, touching, I didn’t really feel any of it.
The room was spinning and I was beginning to feel sick. I wished Jason would get off me, he was so heavy I could hardly breathe. I think I tried to push against him but my arms were so weak I wasn’t sure if he even felt the pressure. I couldn’t form a coherent thought, I couldn’t speak, I could barely move.
Then I felt the sharp pain of him pressing inside me and suddenly realized with a frightening clarity what was happening. I struggled to bring my arms up and push him away, but he was so heavy and my arms just wouldn’t cooperate. I tried to roll away from him but couldn’t move under his weight.
He continued to push into me, over and over again. It hurt. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want him like this. I tried to say so but my voice came out as a whisper I wasn’t sure if he could hear. My throat was so dry.
It was over quickly and he was off of me. He left me lying on the couch as he dressed himself and I felt the tears running down my cheeks. I curled up on my side and pulled my knees against my bare chest. I was suddenly very cold and began to shiver.
Then he was gone. I didn’t hear him leave but after some time passed I realized I was alone. I tried to get up and the room swam around me. I fell off the couch onto the hard floor and everything went black.
I woke up the next morning curled up on the floor naked and cold. My head was pounding and my body aching. As I stood I felt a very distinct sharp pain between my legs and remembered what had happened the night before. I stumbled to the bathroom and started the shower as the foggy memories began to come back to me.
I stepped into the scalding hot water and wished it could wash away my shame. I sat on the floor of the shower and let the water run over me as I cried. It wasn’t supposed to be like that. It wasn’t supposed to be him. It was supposed to be Tyler.
The realization had me shaking with fresh sobs. I stayed in the shower until the water ran cold and then went to my room crawled under the covers and cried myself to sleep.
I woke again late in the afternoon. The sounds coming from the living room told me that my roommates were back. I stayed in my room wallowing in despair. Wondering how I could have been so stupid and careless to allow that to happen.
Classes resumed on Monday and I tried to go about life as usual. I didn’t tell anyone about that night, not even Carrie. I avoided my mom’s attempts to find out what was wrong with me when we spoke on the phone. I couldn’t tell anyone. I was too ashamed. Jason never came back around after that, for which I was grateful. I didn’t ever want to face him again.
Several weeks passed and I decided to just put it behind me. It happened, I couldn’t change that, no point in dwelling on it. I focused on my music and pushed everything else out of my mind, grateful that I’d always been able to use that as an escape. When reality was too harsh I could always find solace in my music.
I was both excited and nervous when Mom called and told me they’d be coming to New York for Christmas. I wasn’t going to evade them with another excuse about not being able to leave. Part of me was looking forward to seeing my family, and part of me was terrified of seeing Tyler.
When I thought of Tyler the myriad of emotions I felt was so confusing I couldn’t pin point exactly what emotion was strongest. Regret for all the pain I’d caused him. Longing for the lost friendship of our childhood. Desire that I couldn’t face. Shame that I didn’t want to. Would he sense a difference in me? Would he know what had happened?
As soon as my mom called to tell me they’d arrived I headed to their hotel. It was wonderful to see my family again. I felt foolish for having been nervous. Mom and Dad smothered me with hugs and kisses and simply being in my parent’s arms again healed a great deal of the pain that had dominated my days.
Chance had hit a growth spurt and was becoming a tall and lanky pre-teen, it was hard to believe he was only 10 years old when he was very quickly catching up with me in height. Playing baseball had given him a rangy muscular build that hinted at the man he would someday become. And Tyler… I faced him last knowing this was where my anxiety stemmed from. Tyler was as handsome as ever. Tall, broad, muscular, intimidating. His dark brooding eyes met mine and I braced myself for his reaction to me. In three long strides he crossed the room and pulled me to him. He hugged me just like the rest of my family had, but somehow it felt more intimate to be in his arms.
“I missed you at Thanksgiving.” He whispered into my hair as he hugged me tightly.
Relief washed through me as I threw myself into his embrace and realized how safe I felt in his arms. He pulled away and smiled at me in a way that had my heart breaking.
“I missed you too.” I told him choking back a sob “I’m glad you all came.” I said turning to my family.
“It’s so beautiful here!” Mom exclaimed. “I’ve always wanted to see New York at Christmas.”
“You haven’t seen anything yet.” I told her “I’ll have to take you on a tour of the city.”
“I can’t wait! But dinner first.” She insisted and Chance seconded the motion exclaiming that he was starving.
We had a wonderful dinner at a very nice restaurant and it felt so good to be surrounded by my family again. I stayed with them in their hotel suite and we stayed up late into the night talking. I felt like myself for the first time in a month.
I spent the next several days taking everyone on a tour of the city. I took Chance to Yankee stadium. Took my dad to several art museums and Mom and I spent a whole day in Macy’s doing our Christmas shopping.
Then of course there were the fundamental tourist traps that couldn’t be avoided; the Statue of Liberty, Central Park under a blanket of snow, and Broadway shows. Tyler came along on all of our outings, smiling and participating in conversation without any hint of resentment. Maybe I hadn’t hurt him as badly as I’d feared. It was so good to see him, to see all of them.
Christmas morning we spent in the hotel room exchanging gifts. I gave Tyler an iPod that I’d loaded with my favorite classical music teasing him about broadening his tastes. Although he had purchased gifts for everyone else it didn’t go unnoticed that he had nothing for me. I wondered if I’d been too quick to assume that everything was okay between us. Maybe he was just putting on a happy face for the holidays.
As the family gathered around trying to figure out how to use Chance’s new telescope I wandered over to the window to look out over the city. Tyler joined me quietly and we both gazed out the window in silence for a moment.
“I can see why you love it here.” Tyler said breaking the silence
“It’s an amazing
city.” I replied
“I still need to give you your gift, I wanted to do it privately.” He said turning from the window to face me. I looked up into his eyes and felt a sudden impulse to reach up and touch his face. I didn’t.
“Okay”
“We’re leaving tomorrow. Maybe you and I could have some time alone tonight.” I could hear the tremor in his voice and realized that despite his confident demeanor he was nervous.
“Sure. You could come back to the dorms with me. I think it’s the only place in New York I haven’t shown you yet.” I laughed hoping I sounded casual and not as nervous as I felt.
“Yeah ok.” He smiled and I felt my heart flutter. It was such a simple thing and something that only Tyler had ever made me feel. Funny I hadn’t realized that until now.
After lunch with the family I told them I was going to take Tyler back to the residence hall with me for a while. Chance jumped up saying he wanted to go too, but Mom quickly intervened telling him no. I was relieved that she stepped in. I had a hard time denying my brother anything, especially when he turned his charming smile on me, but I wanted the alone time with Tyler. I wondered if Mom realized that.
We took a taxi back to my dorm while I pointed out the window still playing tour guide. I realized I was rambling a little, but it was easier than silence. I was suddenly very nervous about being alone with Tyler.
We went up to my room after a brief tour of the first floor. He was impressed with the student lounge and all the amenities. The halls were mostly empty since most students were still gone for the holidays. It reminded me of Thanksgiving and I tried to shake the memory as I led Tyler into my room, but I couldn’t help but look toward the couch where it had happened. I had avoided sitting on that couch ever since. As if avoiding it could repress the horrible memory and the shame and guilt that came with it.
Of course that was the couch that Tyler sat on, forcing me to push the memory aside and sit with him. He fidgeted nervously for a minute before reaching into his jacket pocket to pull out a small box.
