by Tracey Smith
“Merry Christmas.” He said handing me the box.
My hands trembled as I took it and slowly opened the lid. Inside was a heart shaped gold locket.
“Oh Tyler, it’s beautiful! You shouldn’t have.” I exclaimed pulling the necklace from the box and holding it up to look at it.
“Look inside.” He told me and I opened the clasp to find two pictures inside the locket. One was of me, the other Tyler.
I immediately remembered when the pictures had been taken. It was on the last camping trip our families had taken to the cabin before Tyler had moved to LA. I was 14, he was 12. It had been our last carefree summer as children, before things had changed between us. I wondered if he’d realized that when he’d chosen those pictures.
“I love you Destiny.” Tyler said “But if all we can have is friendship, I’d rather have that than nothing.”
“Oh Tyler.” I said as tears filled my eyes “I don’t know what to say.”
“Just say you’ll be my friend.” He said with strength in his voice that I admired. I could only imagine how hard this was for him.
I was on the verge of telling him that maybe I wanted more too. That maybe there was something more between us. Maybe it was love. But then there was a knock at the door.
Startled I stood up and walked to the door to answer it. It was Jason. I felt all the blood drain from my face and my hands began to tremble.
“What do you want?” I asked my voice quivering.
“Just thought I’d see if you wanted a night out? We had such a good time before.” Jason sneered and I felt faint.
“Maybe you did.” I replied and slammed the door in his face before he could say anything else.
“Who was that?” I hadn’t heard Tyler walk up behind me, but I could feel him there now. My knees felt weak and I was afraid I might faint. I turned around to face Tyler and leaned back against the door for support.
“No one.” I said, my voice trembled, my hands were still shaking.
“No one wouldn’t make you look like you’ve seen a ghost. Who was that Destiny?”
“He was just this guy I went out with a few times, but it was a mistake.” I said trying to calm myself and stop the tears from falling.
“Did he hurt you?” Tyler’s voice was thick with rage and fire flashed in his dark eyes.
“No… yes… I don’t know. I mean, not really.” I could feel the tears threatening to break loose.
“Tell me.” Tyler demanded
I looked up into his eyes prepared to tell him that I was fine, that it was no big deal, but the concern in his eyes broke through releasing the tears I was holding back. I fell into his arms and sobbed against his chest, too weak to resist the comfort I knew I would find there.
He led me over to the couch as I cried and sat me down with his arms still around me. He held me against him in silence while I cried and released all the emotions I’d been bottling up since that horrible night a month earlier. Finally when the tears stopped he pulled me back to look into my face.
“Tell me.” He said again, softer this time.
“It was my fault. I had too much to drink. I shouldn’t have let him…” I trailed off, I just couldn’t say it out loud not even to Tyler. Especially to Tyler.
“Did he hurt you?” he asked again, this time his voice as soft as a whisper.
“Isn’t it supposed to hurt?” I asked with my head down, not able to meet his eyes.
“No.” was all he said then he stood up and walked out the door, leaving me confused and alone in my room.
Chapter 18: Rage
I was going to kill him. I walked down the streets of New York with one sole purpose. To find him, and kill him. I could hear my pulse throbbing in my ears. My vision was tinted red. My breathing was ragged, but my hands were steady.
Snow fell around me melting against my skin as the wind whipped it into flurries around my face. I didn’t feel the cold.
I had never seen Destiny so terrified. She had been so pale, felt so fragile as she’d cried in my arms. He had hurt her and I was going to kill him for it.
I didn’t know where to find him, but I wouldn’t stop until I had. I walked along the snow-covered streets searching every face I passed. I had seen him at her door. I remembered his face. I would find him.
I thought of Destiny sitting alone in her room, trembling and scared. I was torn. I wanted to go back to her, to hold her, to tell her that nothing was her fault. I wanted to take the pain out of her eyes and soothe her. I wanted to feel her in my arms again. I had come to New York with a plan. I was going to show her that I could be her friend. That I could be what she needed me to be. But it was a lie. I was in love with her. And he’d hurt her. That one thought overrode all others. He would pay for what he’d done to her.
I walked for hours up and down the streets of New York. Finally as I began to think I’d never find him, as I began to consider going back to her that’s when I saw him. He had stumbled out of a bar just a few paces in front of me. He didn’t see me, but I saw him. I followed him. Watched him. He was drunk, he stumbled more than once as he walked along the icy sidewalk. I followed in silence.
Then I saw my chance, an alley was coming up not too far ahead. I sped up my pace so that I was just behind him now. He was too drunk to notice. Just as he stepped off the curb in front of the alley I lunged and knocked him into the shadows. Confused he stumbled forward and fell to his knees.
“Get up.” I said standing over him.
He looked up at me squinting against the snow falling on his face.
“Get up.” I repeated.
“Here take it.” He cried throwing his wallet towards me, it fell by my feet but I didn’t take my eyes from his face.
“I don’t want your money”
“What do you want?” he whimpered
“I want you to pay for what you did. Get up.”
“Who are you?” his voice shook with fear. I thought of the fear I’d heard in Destiny’s voice.
“I’m a friend of Destiny’s.” I told him and I saw the comprehension light in his dull eyes.
“Look” he said struggling to get to his feet “I don’t know what she told you.”
“She didn’t have to tell me anything, I saw it in her face.”
“She wanted it.” He said
“Wrong answer.” I said as I swung out and felt my fist make contact with his face. He crumpled to the ground.
“Get up” I said again taking a step closer. He looked up at me with blood running from his trembling lip.
“Look you know how women are, one minute they’re all over you, and the next they’re pushing you away. It’s not my fault she regretted it the next day. I didn’t force her. She didn’t say no.” he rambled off excuses as he backed away farther into the dark alley.
“She was drunk.” I said stalking after him “You got her drunk.”
“She didn’t say no.” he repeated holding his hands up in defense.
I swung low catching him the gut and he doubled over as his breath whooshed out of him. Then I swung up and caught him square in the jaw knocking him back to the ground. He didn’t get back up this time, just curled into a ball and trembled on the ground. I stood over him and considered how easy it would be to pound him mercilessly, to release all the rage I felt inside. It was frightening to realize just how easy it would be, and just how much I wanted to. But then I thought of Destiny and wondered what she would think of me if I did. She wouldn’t want me to. I knew that, and now that I was looking down at this pathetic terrified heap I realized that for her I wouldn’t.
“If you ever come near her again.” I threatened. He shook his head vehemently.
“I’ll find you.” I finished and turned around leaving him lying in the cold alley.
I walked back to the Rose building where Destiny lived and stopped outside wondering if she would still be awake. It had been several hours since I’d left her. I remembered how she’d looked as I’d walked out th
e door. I couldn’t leave without seeing her again.
I went into the building and stopped at the security desk. I gave them my name and they called up to her room a moment later they were passing me through to the elevators. I walked to her door and knocked softly. She opened it immediately as if she’d been standing on the other side waiting.
Her eyes were wide and scared. She looked up at me with apprehension. Before thinking I stepped forward and pulled her against me. I held her softly and resisted the urge to kiss her. That wasn’t what she needed right now. She clung to me and I held her until I felt her breathing slow.
“He won’t bother you again.” I told her and her head jerked up to look at me.
“Tyler what did you do? Where did you go?” I saw the fear in her face and knew I’d done the right thing by leaving him.
“I had a talk with him.” I smiled to hide my anger. “He won’t bother you again.” I repeated.
“Oh Tyler. You didn’t have to. It was my fault. I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t think straight. I didn’t realize what was happening.” She was trembling again as she rambled.
“Destiny, it was not your fault. Don’t ever say that. Don’t ever feel that.” I tilted her chin up so that she would look at me. “Do you understand me? It wasn’t your fault.” She nodded, her chin still in my hand. “And I did have to. I love you Destiny. He hurt you. I couldn’t let him get away with that.” I saw the tears fill her eyes before she buried her head against my chest again.
Keeping my arm around her I led her through the empty living room into her bedroom. We walked to the bed together in silence and then we both sat.
“Tyler.” She said pulling away so she could look up at me. I could see the apprehension in her eyes.
“Don’t.” I told her “Don’t push me away Destiny. Just let me hold you tonight.” She nodded again and slid back to lie down on the bed.
I lay next to her and pulled her into my arms, cradling her against me. Tomorrow I would be flying back to San Diego, but for tonight we had each other. I held her in my arms as we both drifted off to sleep.
The next morning I woke up in her bed alone. I could hear her in the other room and followed the sounds and the smell of coffee.
“I called Mom this morning and let her know that you fell asleep here last night. She was very worried, you’re probably going to get an earful when you get back.” She smiled at me as she handed me a cup of coffee.
“I figured as much.” I told her taking the coffee and smiling back.
“Thank you.” She said “For understanding, for being there for me. For being my friend.”
I didn’t realize that one word could hurt so much.
“I’ll always be your friend Destiny.” I told her
“I called you a cab, I was about to wake you. Your plane leaves in three hours.”
“Then I guess it’s time for me to go.” I said setting my cup down on the counter and grabbing my coat from the chair. Destiny walked me to the door.
“Tyler.” She said as I opened the door to leave. I looked down into her eyes. “I… I’ll miss you.”
In that moment of hesitation I saw something in her eyes, something that told me she wanted to say something else. But she wasn’t ready yet.
“I’ll miss you too.”
Chapter 19: Moving Forward
“The Marines!” I shouted into the phone “What do you mean Tyler joined the Marines?” I asked my mother
“He’s 18 Destiny.” She said calmly
“I know that!” I shouted infuriated. “But how could you let him do that?”
“It’s his decision. I can’t say that I’m thrilled about it either, but he’s an adult now and it was his decision to make. He’d already met with the recruiter before he even told us about it.” I could hear the sadness in my mother’s voice.
“Your father tried to talk him out of it, so did I, but his mind is made up. He starts boot camp this summer.”
“But why?” I cried sinking down to the floor cradling the receiver against my shoulder.
“I don’t know Destiny. We approached him about college several times, offered to pay his tuition anywhere he wanted to go. He’d been avoiding the conversation for the last couple months, and when your dad finally tried to press the issue with him he told us of his plans. He’s already signed up. There’s nothing we can do.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I don’t either Sweetheart, but he’s made up his mind. All we can do is support his decision now. He knows we will always be there for him. For anything he needs, but he wants to do this. We have to let him.” I could hear the resignation in my mother’s voice and knew she was right.
“When does he leave?” I asked feeling defeated.
“Two weeks.” I could hear the trembling in her voice and knew how hard this was for her. Tyler was like a son to her. And to me… a brother? A friend? Neither word seemed appropriate.
“But my classes aren’t out yet. I won’t be able to make it home before he leaves.”
“I know.”
“Will you tell him something for me?” I asked clinging desperately to the phone. “Tell him… I’ll miss him.”
“Of course. I’ll see you soon Sweetheart.”
“Bye, Mom.”
And that was it. I would be home in less than a month and Tyler wouldn’t be there. I had thought we’d have this summer together. After the short time we’d spent together over Christmas I hadn’t stopped thinking about the upcoming summer. About the feelings he had for me, about the feelings I finally realized I had for him. I thought we’d have the summer to work them out. To figure them out. But he would be gone before I got home. How long would it be before I saw him again?
My homecoming didn’t hold the joy that it would have if he’d been there. The house seemed empty without him. It was nice to be home again. To be with my family. But Tyler’s absence left an aching hole in my heart.
The summer months passed quickly and I returned to New York in the fall. I resumed my rigorous schedule and tried to move forward with my plans, with my life. It was funny how I’d been so afraid that he’d interfere with my plans for the future but his absence from my life now made those plans seem so hollow. I pursued them anyway.
Towards the end of my junior year Steven asked me out. He had been my student mentor on the Juilliard string quartet and now that he was graduating he finally felt it appropriate to express an interest he’d be harboring over the last year. I liked Steven, he was kind and patient. He was a good teacher and had helped me to develop my talent over the last year. He was tall and trim, with a lean build. He had pale blonde hair and a fair complexion with watery blue eyes. He had a very serene quality that drew me to him.
I saw no reason to refuse his invitation to dinner. I hadn’t spoken with Tyler in over a year, and although he maintained a spot in my heart and a place in my mind I knew I needed to allow my life to move forward. Steven was easy to be around. We both played the violin and shared many of the same interests. We never lacked for conversation and fell into an easy comfortable relationship quickly.
I decided not to return home that summer, instead I spent the summer with Steven at his apartment. We enjoyed each other’s company and shared a comfortable intimacy. He didn’t make my heart flutter but I knew that meant he also couldn’t break it. I felt safe with him and that was what I needed.
By the end of the summer he asked me to move in with him permanently. I couldn’t find any reason not to, I had spent the whole summer staying with him. Carrie, Craig and Josh were all living in an artist’s loft along with a few other dancers from their troupe. The dorms weren’t really home to me anymore.
Steven had a small apartment near the school so that it was easy for me to continue my classes. We practiced together on the weekends, he still took the role of mentor guiding and encouraging me. Our evenings were usually spent drinking wine and listening to classical music discussing the opportunities and struggles
of finding work in New York. Our mornings were sedate, sharing coffee and watching the morning news shows.
I didn’t love him, but I was content with our life together. He was a gentle lover, but I wondered if I would ever again feel the passion Tyler had once aroused in me. Steven was not a passionate man, but he was a kind one.
I brought Steven home with me for Thanksgiving. My parents were glad to finally meet him and happy to have me home after my long absence. It was good to be home. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed my parents and my brother until I was back with them and then I was overwhelmed with the homesickness I’d been ignoring for several months.
My family received Steven politely, but he remained on the outside never really involved in any of our conversations. He spent the weekend as a quiet observer, allowing me to enjoy the reunion with my family without any pressure to include him. At times I even forgot he was there.
I returned to New York after the holiday with the promise of coming back for Christmas. I wasn’t sure if Steven would come with me. He didn’t seem like he would mind coming or staying behind. Steven never really expressed any strong emotions about anything, he just simply flowed through life as a mild mannered observer. Content to just be.
The more time I spent with him, the more I realized that was not how I wanted to live my life. I needed passion; love, hate, anger, joy. I needed all of it. Steven couldn’t give that to me. He was simply content to hold my hand and discuss the local news. I needed more.
I decided it was best to leave him in New York when I flew home for Christmas. It would be a longer stay this time, and I didn’t want to feel pressure to include him or guilt for ignoring him. Not that he would make me feel either. He never made me feel anything. Nevertheless I wanted to enjoy my time with my family, and I knew it would be easier to do that alone.
It was dark when the taxi pulled up in front of the house. My parents weren’t expecting me until tomorrow, but I’d surprised them by catching an earlier flight. I felt giddy as I climbed out of the cab and walked to the door. I laughed when I realized that was the first strong emotion I’d felt in months.
