by Tracey Smith
I nodded but rather than feeling reassured his words only left me feeling nervous at the implication that things might not work out.
I couldn’t lose her, I wouldn’t. There was no one else in the world for me but her. And there was no one else in the world who would love her as much as I did. I just had to prove that to her now.
Chapter 25: Forgiveness
I cried almost the entire 2 1/2 hour drive back to San Diego. I had left for the marine base almost as soon as Steven had left for the airport. I had plenty of time to think while driving up to Twentynine Palms. I was going to start by apologizing. I should have told Tyler about Steven from the beginning. I would explain to him that my relationship was already essentially over before I’d even come home, but that it was definitely over now. Most importantly I would tell him that I loved him. That I wanted to work things out with him. I would come back to California after graduation in a few months. I could even get a place near the base so that we’d be close while he finished out his time in the Marines.
I was prepared to put my heart on the line. I was prepared for his anger over the situation with Steven. I was prepared to make compromises and sacrifices so that we could be together. I wasn’t prepared for the redhead I found wrapped around him when I came to his room.
I felt my heart shatter again as I fled for my car. Obviously he wasn’t as upset as I’d thought. Had what we’d shared meant nothing to him? It hadn’t even been 24 hours since we’d made love on the beach and now he was practically having sex with some random woman. Or maybe she wasn’t random. Maybe they were together. Maybe he had a girlfriend too. I couldn’t really be angry at him for keeping that from me, hadn’t I done the same thing? But obviously they weren’t over. Far from it! They were probably having sex right now, laughing over the whole thing.
I had to pull the car over to the side of the road while I sobbed uncontrollably. Finally composed again I pulled back onto the highway and made my way home, silent tears running down my face the whole way.
It was late when I finally got home. My parent’s surprised faces met me at the door. They hadn’t expected I’d be back tonight when I’d told them I was going to talk with Tyler.
They saw my tear streaked face and Mom instantly wrapped her arms around me and led me upstairs. She ran a bath for me and then left me to soak. I wallowed in self-pity and cried unrelentingly until the water turned cold. Eventually I pulled myself out of the bath, dried off and pulled on some sweats before climbing into bed to cry into my pillow.
Everything was ruined. I didn’t know how to fix it. Tyler must hate me now, and was obviously already moving on. Images of him with that girl on his lap brought on fresh sobs. How could this have ended so horribly? Two days ago I had been so happy. Everything had been falling into place, everything had been perfect, and now… what? Where did we go from here?
Was I just supposed to go back to school and leave him behind? See him on the holidays and at family functions and pretend that nothing had happened, that it wasn’t awkward. I didn’t think I could bear it. I loved him, irrevocably, unconditionally loved him, and I’d ruined everything!
Why hadn’t I told him about Steven? If I had none of this would have happened. He wouldn’t have been so hurt when Steven showed up. It would have been awkward but he wouldn’t have been taken by surprise, he wouldn’t have felt so betrayed. And he wouldn’t’ have left and ended up in the arms of that… girl.
And then I’d lashed out at him when he’d chased after me. He had chased after me, he had left her behind and followed me to the car. Maybe that meant something, I thought with a small shred of hope. But I hadn’t given him the chance to explain. I yelled at him and left him standing there. Left him to go back to her.
I felt sick at the images of them together, try as I might I couldn’t stop thinking about it. What could I do now? Call him? Tell him, okay I’m ready for you to explain?
No, first I needed to explain. I needed to explain about Steven, after all that’s what started this whole thing. And then, maybe, he’d explain about her. Maybe it hadn’t been what it had seemed. I thought of the red lipstick I’d seen smeared across his neck and knew whatever it was it hadn’t been innocent.
How could he have done that? How could he have turned to another woman so quickly? After asking me to declare my feelings for him to my family, essentially asking for a commitment. How could he turn away so quickly, so easily? I was torn between anger and regret. I tossed and turned all night, barely sleeping.
Finally sometime after noon I made my way downstairs. The house was quiet and seemed empty. I made a bowl of cereal and sat at the kitchen table alone milling over all the thoughts and fears I’d had the night before.
What if Tyler was just some kind of ladies’ man now? A bachelor who bedded every girl who came his way. It would explain his disregard for the redhead he’d left sitting on the floor when he’d chased after me. She had meant nothing to him, just a way to pass the time. Is that what I’d been too?
This was Tyler, I argued with myself. I’d known him my whole life, that’s not who he was. But did I really know him now? I hadn’t seen him for several years. Could he have changed that much?
I thought of the childhood friend who I’d shared secrets with. But he wasn’t that boy anymore. I thought of the sullen teenager I had again befriended so many summers ago. Automatically that made me think of the first kiss we’d shared. The first time I’d pushed him away. That’s when everything had changed.
It was the following summer after his parent’s death that I first recognized my feelings for him, but they’d scared me then. I was preparing to leave for college and couldn’t face what he was bringing to life inside me.
Things were awkward between us after that, strained. I realized now that all along it was because we were fighting what we felt for each other. Well I was fighting it. Tyler declared his love for me the following summer, and again I’d pushed him away. I had always pushed him away.
All these years he’d loved me and I’d fought it, denying my feelings for him. And now after all this time I had finally admitted my love for him. Finally let it take over and felt it through every ounce of my being. Was it his turn to reject me? Had I hurt him too many times? Would he ever forgive me?
I heard the front door open, I carried my cereal bowl to the sink and walked to the foyer to see my dad climbing the stairs.
“Hey Dad” I said walking into the foyer.
“Oh Destiny, I was just coming to look for you.” He said walking back down the few steps to where I stood.
“What’s going on?”
“He came to see me.” I heard Tyler’s voice and turned to see him standing by the door.
“Oh” I breathed as my heart began to race.
“I’m going to leave you two to talk.” Dad said as he began to climb the stairs again.
I didn’t take my eyes off Tyler. I wasn’t sure what to say and I couldn’t read his face. He stood staring back at me his expression blank.
“Can we talk?” he asked and I nodded then followed him to the living room.
He sat on the couch and I sat with him, my mind racing with all the things I wanted to say but unable to decide where to start.
“That girl last night, she was no one.” He started to explain. “My roommate Bennett brought her over, but I was trying to get them to leave.”
I nodded again, my throat tight as I tried to hold back tears.
“Nothing would have happened, even if you hadn’t shown up.” He assured me, and I believed him.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Steven.” I finally managed to say “He was just… it was already over with him… before you… before we…”
“I’m sorry I didn’t give you a chance to explain.” He said “I shouldn’t have left like that.”
“You were upset. I should’ve told you about him. I’m sorry I hurt you again, I never meant to.”
“I know.” He said sliding closer to me
on the couch so that he could reach out and take my hand.
“Destiny, I love you. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life. When I saw him I was just afraid, afraid that you didn’t feel the same way.”
“I do! I love you Tyler! I love you with all my heart! I always have and I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to realize it.” I exclaimed as the tears I’d been holding back poured free.
“Please don’t cry.” He whispered wiping away my tears.
“I never loved him, not like I love you. I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you.” I cried as he cradled my face.
He bent forward to kiss the tears away from my cheeks and then placed a soft kiss on each of my closed eyelids and then another on the tip of my nose. I opened my eyes to look at him as he brought his mouth to mine, kissing it just as softly.
I moaned against his mouth opening to him and wrapping my arms around his neck. His tongue swept out to glide along my lower lip and I opened my mouth to invite him in. Our tongues tangled together in a passionate kiss as we held onto each other, relief and desire washing over me as I felt his strong arms pull me against him.
“Tyler you’re back!” Chance’s voice came from the door behind us and Tyler immediately pulled away to turn and face my brother.
He scooted away from me breaking our embrace as he looked nervously between my brother and me.
“Yes he is.” I said scooting after him and taking his hand in mine again.
He looked at me questioningly, and I smiled back as I leaned forward to kiss him once more.
“And he’s not going anywhere.” I said after breaking the kiss and turning back to my brother.
“Cool!” Chance said “It’s about time you guys finally got together.” He added before turning to leave the room.
“You’re telling me.” Tyler murmured as he pulled me back against him and brought his mouth down to mine.
Chapter 26: Saying Goodbye
I knew I had to tell her, but I didn’t know how. I didn’t know how to tell her that I was leaving and didn’t know when I would be back, didn’t even know where I was going. I wanted to put it off as long as possible, to enjoy each and every moment up until the moment that could possibly change everything. Would it change everything, could it?
It had taken us so long to get to this point. For her to realize that she loved me, for her to admit it. Now we were finally here, finally declaring our love for each other openly and I was leaving. I didn’t know how she would take it. Would she wait for me? Would she understand?
I only had one more week. I considered waiting to tell her, I wanted to, but knew that would be wrong. She had a right to know all the facts, and then make her decision. I told myself I was confident about her feelings, about us, but I was terrified by that little part of me that was unsure what her decision would be. So many times she had turned away from me. Would she do it again?
“Destiny” I whispered, secretly hoping that she’d drifted off to sleep and wouldn’t hear me.
Mike and Katherine had taken Chance to a movie after dinner leaving us alone in the house. We had been laying on the couch talking but our conversation had slowly faded into comfortable silence as we watched the fire crackling in the fireplace and just held each other. I wasn’t sure if she was still awake.
“Hmmm?” she replied sleepily turning her face up to look at me.
I looked down into her eyes reflecting the flames, and bent down to kiss her softly wanting this moment to last forever. Wishing it didn’t have to end.
“There’s something I need to tell you.”
“What is it?” she asked more alert now. She sensed the hesitation in my voice saw it in my face. She turned to face me. “What’s wrong Tyler?”
“I’m being deployed.” I let the statement hang in the air watching the emotions play across her face. Shock, confusion, denial, fear.
“When?” she whispered as the tears filled her eyes.
“Next week, after Christmas, when I go back.”
She shook her head as she sat up, the tears silently streaking down her cheeks now. I let her pull away from me to sit up on the couch. I sat next to her watching her face, waiting for her reaction.
“So soon?” She whispered her voice quivering.
I nodded.
“Where are you going?”
“I don’t know yet. I’ll get my assignment when I get back.”
“How long?”
“I don’t know.” I answered honestly.
She swallowed hard as she took a shaky breath and then nodded as if finally accepting what I was saying. She stared into the fire for a few minutes as the tears continued to silently fall. I gave her time to think. I kept my distance as I waited and watched.
“Will we be able to talk?” she asked hopefully looking at me again. The hope in her eyes made it a little easier to breathe.
“We can write. I don’t know if I will be able to get to a phone often.” I let that sink in for a moment. “Will you write me Destiny?”
“Of course!” she exclaimed. “I’ll write you every day!” she promised and my heart started to beat again. I took both her hands in mine and looked into her eyes.
“Will you wait for me Destiny?” I had to ask, I had to know.
“Forever” she promised without hesitation. Then I pulled her into my arms and kissed her as the tears I hadn’t realized I’d been holding back slipped free.
We spent our last week together wrapped in each other’s arms. We held hands as we walked through the Christmas tree farm on Christmas Eve, and snuggled together Christmas morning as we opened gifts with the family. It felt as natural as breathing to be with Destiny like this and I was relieved that there was no awkwardness with her family. They accepted us as if it had always been this way, as if they knew it was meant to be. I knew. She was my heart, she was my Destiny.
The week ended too quickly. Before I knew it our time was up.
“I’ll miss you.” She whispered against my lips as we kissed yet again.
“I’m leaving my heart with you.” I replied pulling her even closer.
“Come back for it.” I could hear the tears in her voice.
“I’ll write as soon as I get wherever I’m going.” I promised.
“I’ll write as soon as I get on the plane.” She laughed. I laughed with her wiping away the stray tear that had escaped.
“I don’t know how long it will take to get your letters or for you to get mine, but know that I’m thinking of you every day.”
“Know that I’m waiting for you. 2 months, 2 years, it doesn’t matter. Know that when you come home, I’ll be here waiting for you.”
“I’ll miss you.”
“I’ll miss you too”
January 1st
Dear Tyler,
I’m sitting on the plane waiting for take-off knowing that you are still back in the terminal and wishing I could spend just a few more minutes with you. There are so many things I wish I had said, like how much I love you. I do. I love you with all of my heart. You said you gave me your heart, well you have mine too. It’s yours, forever. I don’t know how I’m going to focus on anything when I get back to school. All I will think of is you! I miss you already. I’ve always missed you. I realize that now. Realize how much I need you, how much I love you. Come home to me soon.
With all my heart,
Destiny
January 15th
Dear Destiny,
I have missed you every minute since I watched you walk onto that plane. As soon as I got back to base they gave me my orders and shipped me off to Japan. It’s strange being here, so far away from home, from you. I miss you more than I ever knew possible. Our time together was so perfect, everything I’d ever hoped for. Those memories are the only thing getting me through this. Every night I close my eyes and see your face. I fall asleep listening to the iPod you gave me for Christmas several years ago. It makes me feel like you’re close to me. I can’t wait to hold you in
my arms again. Until then I will hold you in my heart.
Love
Tyler
January 22nd
Dear Tyler,
It feels so strange to be back in New York, it doesn’t feel like home to me anymore. But I guess nowhere will really feel like home until you are there with me. I miss you so much sometimes my heart aches. I’m trying to just focus on school, there is so much to get done in these last few months.
Carrie’s loft is so crowded. There are so many people coming and going all the time I’m not even sure who actually lives here. But beggars can’t be choosers, I guess, and she does have a comfortable couch.
I miss you more every day. When I play I close my eyes and think of you. You were the first person I ever shared my music with, and my biggest supporter in the first orchestra I ever played in. I wish you could be here now to cheer me on from the front row. You always were my good luck charm.
With all my heart,
Destiny
February 7th
Dear Destiny
It was so good to get your letters! To see your handwriting, to know that you touched the paper I am holding now. Over the years we’ve spent time apart, but it’s never been this hard. I feel like when I finally got you, really got you, I had to let you go. It’s killing me.
I wish I could be there with you in New York. I wish I could make it better for you. I wish you didn’t have to stay at Carrie’s place. I wish I could listen to you practice and cheer you on from the front row. I’ve always loved your music. I’ve always loved you!
I’ve applied for a position as an MP. I’ve already taken the test and passed. The next opening is mine. Hopefully it will come soon. Hopefully it won’t be much longer before I can see you again, hold you again. Until then I’ll keep wishing, until my wishes come true.
Love
