by Tracey Smith
With those final parting words she kissed the top of my head and left me to go to sleep. It was a fitful night spent tossing and turning alternating between anguish over the situation with Tyler and anxiety over the inevitable conversation coming with Steven.
I finally gave up on sleep after the sun rose and showered away the sleepless night. I had two cups of coffee before Steven came downstairs and felt as prepared as I was going to get.
“Morning.” Steven said hesitantly, obviously finally sensing that something was not quite right.
“Coffee?” I asked moving toward the cupboard to get him a mug.
“Sure, thanks.” He said going to the table to sit.
I filled his cup and topped off mine then joined him at the table. We had the kitchen to ourselves and I imagined my family was giving us some space.
“Steven we need to talk.”
“I figured as much.” He nodded.
“Look I think you’re a great guy, but…”
“But you don’t love me.” He interjected
“No. I’m sorry.”
“And you do love him.” He finished and I raised my eyes to meet his, feeling guilty and miserable.
“Yes.” I admitted ducking my eyes back down to stare into my cup.
“When did you know?”
“What?”
“That you didn’t love me. That it was over between us.”
“I don’t know, I guess when I left New York to come back home.”
“I wish you would have told me before you left. I wouldn’t have made a fool of myself coming out here like this.”
“Oh Steven I’m so sorry.”
“Enough” his voice was harsh and the first hint of strong emotion that I’d ever seen from him sparked in his eyes.
“What’s done is done.” He said regaining his characteristic calm “I assume you’ll be moving out?” he asked detached from all emotion again.
“Yes.” I hesitated because I hadn’t really figured that part out yet.
“Let me know when you’ll be by to get your stuff, I’ll stay out of your way.”
“Steven I’m so sorry, I never meant…”
“It’s fine Destiny. I can’t make you feel what isn’t there. It’s obvious your heart is elsewhere so there is nothing left to discuss. I’ll just get my bag and be on my way. Please thank your parents for their hospitality.” He said and then left me alone in the kitchen.
His cold acceptance was unnerving. Steven had never been an emotional man I wasn’t sure what I had expected from him, but I hadn’t expected that. It left me feeling cold and hollow like he had drained all the emotion from the room. I wondered if it would have been better if he’d been angry, if he’d yelled at me. But that wasn’t Steven.
I sat alone in the kitchen for a while trying to figure out what to do next. Finally I picked up the phone.
“Hello?” a southern voice answered.
“Carrie? I need a favor.”
“Sure thing Sweetie, what’s wrong?” she asked concern clear in her voice.
“It’s over with Steven.”
“Bout time”
“Why is nobody surprised?” I laughed and it felt good to feel a little bit of life coming back into the room.
“Cuz the man was about as interesting as a rock, and that just ain’t you Honey.”
“Well I’ve been living with that rock and all my stuff is still in his apartment.”
“Not anymore. I’ll take Craig and Josh with me to pack up your stuff and we’ll bring it to our place. Now we’ve got a few roommates as you know, but I have a couch that you’re welcome to if you need a roof over your head and it kinda sounds like you do.”
“Thanks Carrie, you’re a life saver.”
“That’s what friends are for Honey, see you when you get home.”
“Thanks, I’ll see you soon.”
I felt the first little bit of relief as I hung up the phone. I had done just what my mom had said, I’d taken things one step at a time and now it was time for the hardest step. Now it was time to figure out how to explain things to Tyler. But first I had to find him. He hadn’t come home last night.
Chapter 24: Distractions
“Stone? What are you doing back so early? I thought you had another week left of leave.” Bennett asked as I entered the kitchen we shared between our rooms.
“Guess I just missed your pretty face.” I said reaching for the coffee pot and pouring myself a cup. I’d driven back to base from San Diego the night before and hadn’t slept since. I needed more coffee.
“What’s wrong man? You look like someone died.”
“Nothing. Just tired.”
“Right, well I’ve got to report for duty, but later we’ll celebrate your homecoming. Take your mind off whatever’s got you looking like your dog just got ran over.”
“Sure, whatever.” I said taking my coffee back to my room.
I knew nothing would take away the pain that was eating me alive. I wished I could report for duty too. I needed something to do. Anything besides sitting in my room staring at the walls, thinking of her.
How could this be happening again? Every time I opened my heart to her, she crushed it. I had just been some passing fling to her, a way to spend the holiday break before going back to her boyfriend in New York. How had I been so stupid?
She had said she loved me, had she even meant it? Had she not felt what I felt? Had it meant nothing to her?
I couldn’t sit still. I couldn’t handle the solitude, but also didn’t want company. I had too much excess energy, too much anger. I decided to go to the gym and spent several hours releasing my rage against a punching bag.
When I left I was exhausted but not feeling any better. Back in my room I showered and then finally fell asleep.
“Stone? Stone!” I heard Bennett pounding on my door and opened my eyes to see that the room was dark and I’d slept all day.
“Open the damn door!” Bennett hollered on the other side. “There’s someone here to see you.”
Immediately I thought of Destiny and jumped from the bed racing to the door. I opened the door to find Bennett with a girl on each arm, one blonde one redhead, neither was Destiny and my heart sank back down to my feet.
“Cheer up man, whatever’s wrong it’s nothing a couple pretty ladies and a few beers can’t cure. What you need is just a little distraction.” Bennett said smiling and squeezing each of the girls at his side as each girl held up the case of beer they were holding to wave in front of me.
“Go away Bennett.” I growled and turned to close the door.
“Not a chance.” He said shoving his foot in the door before I could get it closed and pushing it back open. “Come on ladies, my man Stone here could use a little cheering up.”
“I think I can handle that.” The redhead said suggestively as she pulled out from under Bennett’s arm and sidled towards me.
“No thanks.” I said backing up but I backed right into the bed and fell to sit on it.
“Aw come on Honey, we’re just here for a little fun. You like fun don’t you?” the redhead asked sitting on my lap.
“Not tonight.” I snapped. “Seriously Bennett, take a hike.” I said trying to shift the redhead off my lap but she’d clamped her arms around my neck and wasn’t letting go.
“Just one beer Stone, you need to loosen up a little.” Bennett said as he snuggled with the blonde on a chair by the door.
“Yeah Stone, loosen up a little.” The redhead said wiggling against me.
“Enough.” I said grabbing her by the waist so that she’d stop trying to grind against me.
She ignored my attempts to move her off my lap and tried to kiss me but I turned my head and her mouth came down on my neck instead. This girl really couldn’t take a hint. I was just about to make it clear that I had absolutely no interest whatsoever in what she was offering when I heard a knock at the door.
“I’ll get it.” The blonde announced jumping from Benn
ett’s lap and answering the door.
She pulled the door open wide and I saw Destiny standing on the other side her eyes widening in shock as she took in the scene in front of her. I immediately jumped to my feet dumping the redhead unceremoniously on the floor.
“Destiny?”
“I…” she just shook her head and I saw the tears in her eyes before she turned and ran from the room. I immediately followed after her.
“Destiny wait, please!” I called as I chased her down the hall and out of the barracks.
I reached her just as she got to her car in the parking lot. I grabbed her arm and she spun around on me tears burning in her eyes.
“Don’t!” she shouted as she jerked her arm away. I stepped back as if she’d slapped me.
“Wait, don’t go.” I pleaded as she reached for the car door.
“I shouldn’t have come.” She said her with her back to me.
“Why did you?” I asked.
“It was a mistake.” She said opening the door still not looking at me.
“That girl was no one.” I said grabbing the door before she could close it.
“Oh yeah? Well no one’s lipstick is all over your neck.” She spit at me and tried to pull the door closed.
“Why the hell should you care?” I snapped back “You’re the one with a boyfriend.”
“Not anymore.” She whispered and finally managed to pull the door closed.
She backed away while I processed what she’d just said. What did she mean by not anymore? Was she talking about him? Was she talking about us? I watched helplessly as she drove away, more confused than ever.
I stormed back to my room only to find Bennett and the two girls still there.
“OUT!” I shouted and this time they listened grabbing their beer and shuffling out of the room as Bennett murmured apologies to them.
I walked into the bathroom to splash some water on my face and caught my reflection in the mirror. Red lipstick was smeared all over the side of my face and neck. I could only imagine how it had looked to Destiny to see me sitting on the bed with that redhead in my lap and her lipstick all over my face. Suddenly furious I lashed out punching the reflection in the mirror and shattering the glass.
I walked back to my room and sat on the bed trying to figure out what to do next. After a few minutes I’d calmed down and began to feel the stinging burn coming from my knuckles. I realized they were bleeding and had a few shards of glass still protruding from the wounds.
I moved as if in a dream, automatically going through the motions as I cleaned up my knuckles and then swept up the broken glass from the bathroom floor. I felt empty my mind was blank.
Bennett came to my room a little while later letting himself in without knocking. He found me sitting in a chair staring blindly at the wall.
“Was that your girl?” he asked announcing his presence, I hadn’t heard him enter.
“No. Yes. I don’t know.” I shrugged still staring at the wall.
“I’m sorry man, I didn’t mean to”
“I know.” I interrupted. “Look I just really want to be alone right now.” I told him.
“You could call her.” He suggested.
“She won’t be home yet, it’ll take a few hours to get back to San Diego.”
“Oh.” He shuffled uncomfortably
“I’m going to bed.” I said standing.
“Okay.” He said moving back to the door. “I really am sorry.”
“I know.”
I stripped down to my boxers not bothering to see if he’d left the room yet then climbed into bed. I lay there for hours before drifting off to sleep.
I dreamt of Destiny. We were kids again running through a forest and laughing. She was holding my hand and smiling back at me as she pulled me along. But then she let go of my hand and raced on ahead. As I followed behind her I watched her change, in front of my eyes she grew from the skinny girl of our childhood into the beautiful woman she was now. The more she changed the farther away from me she seemed. I ran hard and fast trying to catch up with her, reaching out for her, but she always remained out of reach. Her beautiful laughter ringing in my ears as she danced through the woods leaving me behind.
My breath was coming hard straining my lungs until they felt like they might burst as I tried to reach her. My legs burned as I pushed on running almost frantically to catch up. Her laughter continued as she lightly danced along seemingly unaware of my struggle to reach her. Finally she stopped and turned to wait for me a beautiful smile on her face and laughter dancing in her eyes. But no matter how fast I ran I couldn’t reach her.
She stood waiting for me, reaching out her hand as I ran as fast as I could force my legs to go, but somehow I wasn’t getting any closer. I reached for her and called out her name, but she just smiled back as her image started to fade. I pushed on desperate to reach her and finally began closing the distance. Just as I was close enough to reach out and touch her she disappeared.
I woke with a start sitting up in bed and trying to catch my breath, my lungs burned and the muscles in my legs were aching as if I’d really been running. The sun was just rising outside my window and I realized I’d slept through the night.
Destiny would be home now, I needed to call her. I showered and changed and was planning just what I would say when I heard the knock on my door. I wasn’t foolish enough to hope that it would be her again. I moved to the door slowly, uncaring of who it could be. I was surprised however to find Mike at the door when I opened it.
“Mike?”
“Hey Ty, hope you don’t mind me stopping by unannounced.” He said.
“No, of course not, come in.” I said stepping back and letting him into the room.
He walked into my room and glanced toward the bathroom noting the broken mirror, but didn’t say anything about it.
“Did Destiny make it home ok?” I asked suddenly worried
“Yes, she’s fine.” I breathed a sigh of relief at his words.
“Well, not fine exactly, but she is home.” He amended
I nodded not sure what to say.
“So how are you?” He asked.
I shrugged, there were no words.
“Look Tyler, I don’t know exactly what is going on between you and Destiny, but I know she is just as upset as you right now and I don’t like to see either of you hurting like this.”
“Things are just so messed up…” I was at a loss as to how to explain.
“Are you in love with her?” he asked bluntly.
Startled I looked up into the eyes of the man who had been like a father to me, and hoped he would understand.
“Yes” I admitted. “And I thought she loved me too but…”
“But?”
“She didn’t even tell me about him.”
He nodded in understanding.
“Did I ever tell you that I had spent a year living with a woman in Paris before I met Katherine?” he said
“Really?” I asked, shocked by the revelation.
“Yeah, I had seen Katherine but hadn’t actually met her yet.”
I was aware of their story, of how they’d crossed paths several times over the course of many years before finally meeting and falling in love, but I had never heard this part of the story.
“The first time I saw Katherine was at a coffee shop in college.” He continued “Well once we were adults anyway.” He added
“I saw her at the coffee shop and was immediately attracted to her, in a way I never had been before. I realized many years later part of that attraction had to do with the fact that we’d seen each other as children and she was familiar to me.”
I nodded remembering that part of the story. My mom had always told their story like some sort of fairy tale.
“But my mother had just died and I left without meeting her, something I would regret for many years to come. I traveled to Europe after that and found myself settling in Paris. I met a woman there and stayed the night with her. Then
I just never left. We lived together for almost a year.”
I had never heard any of this before. Mike and Katherine had always seemed so perfect together, so meant for each other I couldn’t imagine either one of them with anyone else.
“I came back home for your parents wedding and that’s when I saw Katherine again. I was still living with Elle, she was actually with me at the wedding, but one look at Katherine and I knew she was who I was meant to be with. I had never loved Elle, our relationship was something that just kind of happened over time, but not something lasting. I ended my relationship with her that night and spent the next several years trying to track Katherine down.” He finished.
We sat silently for a minute while he let the story sink in, I still wasn’t sure why he was telling me this.
“Destiny never loved Steven.” He finally said “Their relationship was just something that happened over time.”
His meaning finally struck.
“She should have told me about him.” I said defensively
“Yes, she should have.” He agreed “But I can tell you that I’ve never seen her look at anyone the way she was looking at you these last few days. And I’ve seen you look at her that way for some time now.”
“How could she say she loved me when she was with someone else?” I asked exasperated.
“Sometimes everything can be right about a situation, except the timing. I can tell you that I’ve seen Destiny with Steven, and her heart has never belonged to him. If she told you she loved you, that means something.”
“There was a woman here last night.” I admitted as my shoulders slumped. “She came to me and found me with another woman. It was nothing, just some girl a friend brought over, but she left before I could explain.”
He nodded sympathetically.
“No one ever said love was easy. It certainly wasn’t an easy road for me, but well worth the journey to get there. You two still have some things to work through, but don’t let pride or shame stand in your way.” He advised.
“Thanks Mike.” I said standing to shake his hand. He grasped my hand and pulled me in for a hug.
“You know I think of you as a son Tyler. Your father was my best friend and you will always be family no matter how this turns out with Destiny.” He assured me.
