If Given a Choice

by Tracie Peterson

  “Well?” Kelly asked cautiously.

  Jenni drew a deep breath, “I read in Titus one, verses fifteen and sixteen, ‘To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure. In fact both their minds and consciences are corrupted. They claim to know God, but by their actions they deny him. They are detestable, disobedient and unfit for doing anything good.’”

  “And?” Kelly pressed.

  “And I feel God has used this verse to show me something. Daniel wants me to trust him, telling me that he’ll explain everything later. Brian tells me everything, explaining that he’ll show me as time goes on. Their actions will prove their hearts, Kelly.”

  Kelly nodded. “That seems reasonable, but will Dan see it that way?”

  “Why do you question whether Dan will see it that way?” Jenni asked. “What about Brian?”

  “Brian already knows he has competition. Dan doesn’t,” Kelly replied.

  “But I’ve already broken the courtship with Dan. I told him that I would see him, but that I would also see other people. I just didn’t expect one of those people to be Brian,” Jenni stated.

  “Jenni, do you still care for Brian?”

  Jenni shook her head. “No, but I feel that I owe it to him to let him prove himself.”

  “You really feel you owe it to him? After what he did to you, how could you think you owe him anything?” Kelly asked, straining to control her disbelief.

  “I must live by the principles set for me in the Bible, Kelly. It doesn’t meant that I’ll marry Brian, it just means that I’ll allow him to show me that he’s truly changed. By the first of November,” Jenni concluded, “I should be able to figure out who is telling the truth.”

  ❧

  After a week of sharing time between Dan and Brian, Jenni was beginning to dread seeing either one of them come down the path toward the office.

  “I’m tired of this, Kelly,” Jenni began one evening as she waited for Brian to arrive. He was taking her to the symphony in Denver. “I don’t know why I agreed to go all the way to Denver with Brian.”

  “Just relax, Jenni,” Kelly smiled. “It won’t be much longer until the first of November.”

  “I could be completely insane by then,” Jenni said, waiting for her escort. “Tonight is a good example. Two hours to Denver, two hours at the concert, and then another two hours back. Not to mention that somewhere in there I’m sure Brian will want to stop for dinner.”

  “You sound like you’re really dreading it,” Kelly sympathized.

  “It’s going to be well past midnight before we get back,” Jenni said with a sigh.

  “Maybe it’s more than that,” Kelly suggested.

  “Maybe,” Jenni said absentmindedly. The fact was, Kelly was right. Jenni was getting the distinct impression that Brian was getting too serious about their relationship.

  “Has Brian been pushing you too hard?” Kelly questioned, seeming to read Jenni’s mind.

  “I just have a feeling,” Jenni said, getting to her feet. “I can’t really put my finger on it, but I guess I’m almost afraid.”

  “Has Brian done something to frighten you?” Kelly’s concern was clear.

  “No, not like you mean. He’s been a perfect gentleman, but there’s something about him. I know he’s just a new Christian and all, but he seems so uncomfortable when I suggest that we pray or when I want to share something from Scripture with him.”

  “Have you asked Brian why he decided after all this time to accept Christ?” Kelly questioned.

  “No, not really. I haven’t exactly had time. When I’m with Brian he talks ninety miles an hour. I seldom have a chance to bring up anything and when I try to change the subject, he accuses me of being evasive,” Jenni replied.

  Just then the doorbell rang, and Brian entered the room resplendent in his evening wear. His black tuxedo stood out in sharp contrast to Jenni’s cream colored evening gown. “You look magnificent, Jen,” Brian offered and motioned her to turn around. “I want to see all of it,” he said as he waved his hand and Jenni obediently turned.

  The princess style cut of the velvet gown clung to her small frame as, the dressmaker had assured Jenni, good velvet should. The off-shoulder, draped neckline was trimmed with tiny seed pearls and sequins. Kelly had helped Jenni to put up her hair in a stylish sweep, with curls cascading down the back.

  Brian smiled appreciatively. “What a couple we’ll make tonight!”

  “Well, Cinderella, just don’t lose your slipper on the castle steps,” Kelly laughed.

  “If she should, her prince will be right behind her,” Brian said with a deep bow at the waist.

  Kelly could see what Jenni had once found appealing in the dashing smile and suave grace of the dark-haired Brian. He was a definite charmer.

  Despite Jenni’s trepidation about the evening, she found herself actually enjoying Brian’s companionship. She thought several times of Dan and tried to imagine the same evening with him, but she never lingered on the thoughts. They were almost painful to her.

  “You’re awfully quiet,” Brian said as he maneuvered his rental car onto Highway 36 for the return trip to Estes.

  “I’m just tired,” Jenni replied. She spoke the truth, although perhaps her silence was caused by more than tiredness alone.

  “I really enjoyed being with you tonight,” Brian began again. “I think we work well together. Don’t you?”

  “You make dating sound like a business adventure or a law partnership,” Jenni said rather distantly. She gazed out into the darkness past her window; except for an occasional lighted house, the rest of the world seemed to be asleep.

  “I’m sorry. Sometimes I don’t say the perfect or most romantic thing. I don’t have Mr. James’ penchant for words.” Brian’s voice took on a slightly sarcastic tone.

  “This has nothing to do with Dan,” Jenni said defensively. “You’ve always made relationships sound like business deals. I wonder if that will ever change.”

  “I won’t stop being ambitious, if that’s what you mean. I still want to achieve a great deal while I’m young, and then when I’m older I’ll be set up to walk into whatever I choose.” Brian spoke with pride.

  “What about God’s plan for your life, Brian?” Jenni questioned.

  “God’s plan is my plan,” Brian said simply. “I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’ll just continue until God sends me word that I’m to do otherwise.”

  “I see,” Jenni said softly. “And are you really open to change? If, indeed, God sends you word?”

  “What’s with all this questioning?” Brian was the one now shows voice was defensive. “I think I’ve proven myself. Or is there still some other test you’re waiting for me to perform?”

  “I don’t understand,” Jenni said, confused by Brian’s mood.

  Brian pulled the car off the highway and turned off the engine. “Come here, Jennifer.”

  “Why?” Jenni questioned suspiciously.

  “Because I want to hold you. I haven’t held you since the night before I left you. I’ve wanted to, at least a thousand times, and when I saw you tonight I wanted to take you in my arms then and there.”

  “I’m not sure that it would be wise,” Jenni spoke more harshly than she’d intended.

  “You’ll share a bed with James, but you won’t even let me hold you?” Brian retorted angrily.

  “I’ve never shared a bed with anyone! How dare you accuse me? You know how I feel about saving myself for marriage. You above all others know that fact very well,” Jenni replied, her tamper barely in check.

  “I’m sorry, Jen. I had to find out and I just didn’t know a tactful way to ask. I thought maybe your values were different now. Passion does strange things to a person,” Brian whispered softly.

  Jenni tried to calm her shattered nerves and rethink Brian’s request. Finally, she slid across the seat and allowed Brian to put his arms around her. He pulled her close in a rough embr
ace.

  His touch wasn’t like Dan’s. Dan was more muscular, more sure of himself, yet gentle. The most exercise Brian got was during his racquetball games, and he’d never had a talent for treating Jenni gently.

  She found herself suddenly aware of past feelings. Feelings of fear, danger, and dread, she realized, had always nagged at her whenever Brian had embraced her. If Brian decided to take advantage of her, she would be able to do very little to stop him.

  “Kiss me, Jenni,” Brian was whispering against her ear.

  “No,” Jenni said, trying to push him away.

  “Just a kiss,” he said and pulled her face roughly to his own. His roughness only caused Jenni to tense more. He lowered his lips to hers in an impassioned kiss, which Jenni fought.

  She could feel his hands pushing at the velvet neckline, and though he had her pinned against the seat in a steely grip, she fought his advances. Finally freeing her mouth from his, she screamed, “Leave me alone! You haven’t changed at all.”

  She expected to have to fight him more, but instead he released Jenni and put his face in his hands. “I’m so sorry, Jenni. So sorry.”

  Jenni moved to the far side of the car, one hand on the door handle in case she needed to get out. “Take me home,” she whispered.

  “I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but please, Jenni, try to understand. You just look so beautiful, and I can’t help wanting you. You have to know that I’m telling the truth. A new convert can’t change overnight, but I’m trying to do my best,” Brian said as he raised his eyes to meet Jenni’s. “Please help me to do what’s right.”

  Jenni’s heart softened at his pleading. “It’s all right. I understand, and I’m not angry. You’re quite right. It is hard to change your worldly ways for divine ones, but Jesus will help you, Brian. He’ll be better at it than me.”

  “I’m sure you’re right, Jen. You won’t let this hurt our friendship, will you?” Brian said with such a pained expression that Jenni couldn’t help but feel sorry for him.

  “No, of course not. But it is late, Brian. I think we should get started again.”

  “Of course. And Jenni,” Brian reached across the distance between them, “thank you, for forgiving me.”

  Jenni smiled, but said nothing. The remainder of the trip passed in silence, and she was relieved to see O’Reilly’s sign come into sight.

  Brian pulled up the inclined drive and stopped to let her out at the office cabin. He started to get out of the car, but she waved him off. “No, I’ll be fine. Let’s just say goodnight, and I’ll see you tomorrow.” Brian looked hurt, but reluctantly he agreed.

  Jenni barely had time to get inside when a soft knocking sounded at the office door. Dread filled her from head to toe. She moved to see who it was and was surprised to find Dan on the doorstep.

  “Look, I know it’s late, but we’ve got to talk,” Dan said urgently.

  Jenn had never seen such a look of worry and turmoil on anyone’s face before. He seemed literally in pain from whatever dilemma haunted his mind.

  “Sure,” she finally answered. “Come on in.”

  “Is Kelly here? I mean, I need to talk to you about a very private matter,” Dan said, looking toward the living room of the cabin.

  “She’s sound asleep, I’m sure,” Jenni said, looking at her watch.

  Dan seemed on the verge of breaking down. His face was haggard, and his coat did little to hide the wrinkled appearance of clothes that looked as though he had slept in them.

  “Come on,” Jenni said softly, leading him to the couch.

  As if noticing her attire for the first time, Dan reached up his hand and gently traced the draped velvet across her shoulder. “You’re beautiful. I hope Givens appreciated you tonight,” Dan whispered.

  “I don’t wish to discuss Brian’s appreciation,” Jenni said in a way that caused Dan to frown.

  “Did he act out of place with you?”

  “Yes, you might say that. But I took care of it, Dan, and he did apologize. Something he’s never done before. He even asked me to forgive him and help him change his ways.”

  “And that impressed you?” Dan seemed momentarily to have forgotten the reason he’d come.

  “Impressing me had nothing to do with it. Like Brian said, a person doesn’t always change their ways overnight, but at least he’s willing to try.”

  “I see,” Dan muttered the words, and Jenni chose to ignore the look of disgust on his face.

  “Besides, we’re not here about Brian, now are we?” she questioned, trying to get Dan to explain his appearance in the middle of the night.

  “No, we’re not,” he agreed. He seemed to need a moment to think through his words, and so Jenni set to the task of pulling out her hairpins. Dan watched her in silence as she finished and ran her fingers through her long dark curls, as if to brush them into place.

  Reaching over, Dan fingered a curl as he spoke, “I don’t know where to begin.”

  “The beginning would be nice,” Jenni tried to sound light-hearted.

  “Do you remember the writers’ conference I was asked to speak at?” Dan questioned.

  “Of course,” Jenni answered as she sat back against the couch.

  “My publisher wanted very much for me to take the engagement. I didn’t want to, but he scheduled me anyway and I finally agreed to do it.” Dan’s voice was troubled.

  “When is it?” Jenni asked, unable to remember from the previous conversations.

  “Next week,” Dan said resolutely. “And I’m committed to speak at it.”

  “So what is the problem?”

  “Do you remember I told you that they provided a list of questions I should be prepared to answer?” Jenni nodded and Dan continued. “I didn’t feel that I could honestly answer some of those questions and I still don’t. You’ve been after me a long time to talk honestly with you about many things. Believe me, there were times when all I wanted to do was forget my past agreements, my promises to others, and spill my guts.”

  Jenni’s eyes narrowed slightly and a worried furrow lined her forehead. “What kind of promises?” she questioned suspiciously.

  “Things I agree to do for my agent and publisher. Things I promised as a part of my contract,” Dan answered honestly.

  “Like what?”

  “Well, for starters, I agreed to lie about my age.” Jenni would have laughed if Dan hadn’t been so serious. Before she could question him, though, Dan continued. “I was very young when I first started writing mysteries. My publisher and agent said that no one would find it believable that an eighteen-year-old could turn out such intense work. So, they told me to lie about my age.”

  “Dan, I hardly see the relevance in this. I mean I understand your commitment to your agent, although I know that lying is wrong, but I still don’t see where I fit into this,” Jenni felt a little exasperated.

  “I lied about other things, too, Jenni,” Dan said, bowing his head. “I don’t want to speak at that conference, because one of the questions on the list is, ‘To what or whom do you credit your success?’”

  “So?” Jenni questioned innocently.

  “Jenni, I can’t answer that question honestly because of my agreement,” Dan began, but if I don’t answer it, I will betray a much greater commitment.”

  “Which is?” Jenni couldn’t help but ask.

  “My commitment to God, Jenni.”

  Jenni felt as if a tremendous weight had been lifted off not only her shoulders but his. Somehow, Dan’s revelation was not all that surprising.

  “Your commitment to God?” Jenni whispered. “You’re a Christian, aren’t you?” It was more a statement than a question.

  “Yes. I accepted Christ when I was seven years old. I even gave serious thought to becoming a minister. That’s how committed I was,” Dan replied truthfully.

  “Was?”

  “I’ve lied for seven years, Jenni. Never mentioning God, never admitting to being His child. All because my
publisher and agent felt it would harm my career. My books are intense mystery and espionage. They felt hearing that Dan James, the veteran writer of such thrillers, was a Christian, people would steer away and not buy my work. I agreed only because I thought at the time that my religious views were nobody else’s business anyway. But now, after meeting you, and nearly losing you because I wouldn’t admit my love of God, well, I just couldn’t take it anymore.” Dan paused for a moment. “And losing you is nothing compared to the alienation I’ve felt from my Father in heaven.”

  Jenni smiled broadly, not even realizing what she was doing. “What are you going to do?” she asked, the smile still on her face.

  Dan looked at her for a moment, and he couldn’t help but feel better. “You smile like you’re enjoying this.”

  “I’m reveling in the answered prayer,” she answered happily.

  “I knew you’d be like this, all happy and smiles. I knew it would be right, but I don’t know how I’ll ever get through the writers’ conference. I either have to denounce my faith or break my contract.”

  “Well, the Bible makes it clear that if you’re ashamed of Christ, He’ll be ashamed of you before his Father, Dan,” Jenni said as she moved closer to him, “just trust God to work out the details. Haven’t you hidden Him long enough? And in spite of everything, He’s blessed you.”

  “That He has,” Dan said, looking deep into Jenni’s eyes. “More than I deserve.”

  “Then honor Him for it,” Jenni’s softly spoken words were a comfort. “And,” Jenni added, “trust Him, Dan. You know He won’t let you down.”

  FIFTEEN

  Dan left Jenni feeling as though a weight had been lifted from him. He knew that this last summer of deception was not the only thing that had bothered him; now that he was free at last of the lifetime of lies and evasions, he realized how heavily it had pressed on him. The cold night air penetrated his jacket, but not his heart. Picking up his pace, Dan moved quietly up the hill to his cabin.