If Given a Choice

by Tracie Peterson

  Jenni shrugged and tried to slide away from Dan’s close presence. “It’s just been a hard day – and look, it’s only ten-thirty,” she tried to joke. The tone of her voice showed that she was on the verge of losing her ability to remain collected.

  “Can’t you tell me why you’re so upset?” Dan questioned as he allowed her to put distance between them. “Is it Brian?”

  “No, not really. OH, I wasn’t expecting his actions either,” Jenni said without thinking.

  “Either? What’s that supposed to mean?”

  Jenni felt herself growing warm under Dan’s scrutiny. How could she explain that she had hoped to hear some word of love pass from his lips? How could she tell him how much it had cost her just to say the words she had spoken?

  “I – it’s just that – oh, never mind,” Jenni said and got up quickly to leave.

  Dan vaulted over the back of the couch and blocked her way to the door. “Are you going to tell me what all this is about?” I think I deserve some kind of explanation after this morning.”

  “This morning?” Jenni questioned, jerking her head up. “This morning?” she repeated.

  “That’s right. Your little engagement party with Mr. Givens. Do you have any idea how awkward that was?” Dan questioned. “And now you’re acting mighty strange if you ask me.” He wanted so much to tell Jenni about overhearing Brian’s phone conversation and how he knew that Brian was just using her. But instead, he tried to keep the subject focused just on her.

  “Well, nobody’s asking,” Jenni said defensively. She crossed her arms across her chest as Dan took a step forward.

  “I didn’t mean it like that. I just want to know that you’re okay. I care, you know.” Dan was thinking how hurt Jenni would be when she learned that Brian was planning on keeping his mistress, even if he married Jenni.

  “You care?” Jenni said feigning shock. “Who could tell?”

  “Sarcasm? From you? That doesn’t feel quite right.”

  Dan’s words so irritated Jenni that her fear passed into anger. “Nothing seems quite right. I come up here and spill out my heart to you, and you – you – “Jenni’s temper was obvious and Dan’s eyes opened wide as he realized that her anger was directed at his lack of response to her earlier declaration.

  “You mean all this is about me and what I said?” Dan was starting to enjoy himself again, now that he was no longer worried about Jenni’s feeling in regard to Brian Givens.

  “Not at all, Mr. James. It wasn’t about what you said, it was what you didn’t say,” Jenni said pushing past him and reaching for the door.

  Dan gave out a hearty laugh, and opened the door for her. “I tell you what, Jennifer Campbell. You come back when you no longer just ‘think’ you love me, and we’ll discuss it.”

  “Oh, you’re insufferable,” Jenni said, hazel eyes blazing fire. “You really are.” She pushed past him, even as he continued to laugh.

  She was halfway back to the office when it suddenly dawned on her that he hadn’t objected to her affections, he only wanted her to be sure of them. Maybe he was wiser than she gave him credit for.

  SEVENTEEN

  The next day was Jenni’s turn to sleep late, but before she could awaken on her own, Kelly was lightly knocking at her door.

  “Come in,” Jenni said, yawning as Kelly entered her bedroom. “Sorry, I just can’t seem to wake up.”

  “Well, maybe this will do it?” Kelly said. Jenni realized Kelly was holding a long-stemmed red rose and a card.

  “Brian?” Jenni grimaced.

  “No, Dan.”

  “Really? Dan sent it?” Jenni suddenly found herself wide wake.

  Kelly laughed out loud. “Yes, Dan was here just a few moments ago and he asked me to see that you got this right away. He said it was important and pertained to something happening today.”

  Jenni opened the card and found a pass to the writers’ conference, along with Dan’s hastily scrawled invitation. “He wants me to come hear his speech at two o’clock.” Jenni murmured, reading the note. “He says it’s important to him, especially since I was the one who helped him come to terms with not hiding his faith in God.”

  “I think you should definitely go,” Kelly said enthusiastically. “You may be sorry if you don’t. Besides,” she added, “he probably needs moral support.”

  “You’re probably right,” Jenni agreed. She hadn’t thought of that. Given the fact that his publisher and agent had adamantly refused to allow him this privilege for so many years, he was bound to be feeling some trepidation at the prospect of admitting his faith at last.

  “Then you’re going?” Kelly asked curiously.

  “I believe I will,” Jenni decided. “I suppose I should go up and tell him.”

  Kelly shook her head. “He’s not there. He told me he’d be tied up in workshops this morning. That’s why it was important that he stop by first thing this morning.”

  “Oh,” Jenni said, trying to hide her disappointment.

  “Look,” Kelly said, “you just go and have a good time and I’ll be fine here. We don’t have a big load at all and even the cleaning will be a cinch because most of the guests are weekers. We won’t have any thorough cleaning to do until next weekend.”

  “I’d nearly forgotten about the resort,” Jenni had to admit. “On top of everything else, with me going home for several days, I wanted to give you as much time off as possible before I left.”

  “Not a problem,” Kelly tried to convince Jenni. “Besides, I’d rather have some extra time at Thanksgiving.”

  “Well, you can certainly have that,” Jenni confirmed. “I’ll see to it if I have to clean all twenty-one cabins and run this office by myself.”

  “In that case, you’d better get around and decide what you’re going to wear. It’ll be two before you know it.”

  ❧

  At exactly five before two, Jenni walked into the conference center’s main auditorium. She presented her pass at the door and was ushered to the front of the room. When she tried to protest and suggest that she sit toward the back, the usher assured her that this type of pass gave her a special seating arrangement.

  Jenni shrugged her shoulders and allowed the man to seat her close to the front and center of the auditorium. She had hoped to see Dan before his speech, but time had gotten away from her at O’Reilly’s, and suddenly she had found herself hard pressed just to get here on time.

  Jenni glanced around nervously. She didn’t know anyone here; she could only surmise that most were budding young authors looking for bits of advice and trade secrets.

  “If you’ll take your seats,” an older, white-haired man was announcing, “we’ll get started.” He looked quite distinguished in his brown tweed suit jacket with suede patches at the elbows. Just like all writers should look, Jenni mused to herself.

  “As you all know,” the man continued, “we’ve been very fortunate to get Daniel James to address the convention this year.” At this a thunderous applause filled the auditorium and stunned Jenni. These people apparently loved Dan’s writing as much as she did.

  “I’m sure that many of you attended his workshop on the successful plotting of a mystery.” Again applause. Jenni couldn’t help but smile.

  “Without further ado, I’d like to welcome Daniel James to our fifteenth annual writers’ conference.” The applause was louder than ever as an immaculately dressed Dan appeared stage left and walked to the podium.

  Jenni felt her breath catch as he winked at her before he turned to greet the convention crowd. He was stunning in his dark blue business suit, white shirt, and red and blue striped tie. He looked every bit the part of the successful writer. Jenni thought he made a striking figure, but to herself she admitted that she preferred him in his more casual jeans and sweaters.

  “Thank you very much for the warm response,” Dan was saying as he began his address. “You have made me feel very welcome today and I especially want to thank Dr. Richards for putting th
is conference together and inviting me.” The white-haired man who’d introduced Daniel and now sat at the end of the platform, stood and gave a slight bow of acknowledgement to the applauding crowd.

  Dan smiled warmly at Jenni, leaving her weak. He seemed so determined, so different somehow, that Jenni found herself trying to figure out why his eyes held a glint of something mysterious in them.

  “When I was first asked to speak here, I wasn’t inclined to accept. Now, before you prejudge my reasons, I want to share with you exactly why I felt that way. Many of you don’t realize this, but I’m only twenty-five. I’ve been published and lauded as a meritable mystery writer since the age of eighteen. Now I share this with you for two reasons. One, I’m laying the foundation for the real meat of my speech here today, and secondly, I want to encourage everyone here that age is no factor when you have something to say.”

  Jenni noticed there were some good-natured comments made amongst the older people in the crowd, as well as genuine looks of encouragement on the faces of the younger writer-hopefuls.

  “Most of you have believed me to be anywhere from twenty-eight to thirty-eight. This was a ploy by my agent to make me more appealing to a broader range of readers. At the time, it seemed like a good idea to me. After all, who would want to read the works of a child?”

  Dan paused for a moment and then continued, “When you asked me to speak, I was given a list of questions I should address during my speech. This very list nearly turned me away from accepting.” There was a murmuring amongst the auditorium crowd, and Jenni knew how difficult this moment was for Dan.

  “The reason,” Dan said with a firm and clear voice, “was that one question I could not come and speak honestly about. This question had to do with what I attribute my success to.”

  Jenni felt herself nearly holding her breath as Dan continued. “You see, I attributed my success to Someone very dear and special to me. Someone who has seen me through the worst times, as well as the best ones. However, my publisher had convinced me for over seven years to remain silent about this. The reason has been concern that I would lose my reader market, and public interest would wane if people realized that I accredited Jesus Christ with my success.”

  Jenni noticed that dead silence fell across the room. “You see,” Dan continued, “when I was a young man of seven, I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Savior – and just like Robert Frost’s two roads, it has made all the difference.”

  Dan stepped from behind the podium, taking the microphone with him, and walked down the stage steps until he was level with the auditorium crowd. “I’m not talking about getting religious or church or anything that sounds as undesirable as all that. I’m speaking of a day by day walk with the best Friend a person could ever have. I’m taking about a young boy who needed that Friend desperately because his father had walked out and left his mother with four young children to care for. A boy who needed to believe that not all fathers were bad and that not all those who loved you would leave you.”

  Jenni felt her eyes well up with tears as she listened to Dan’s story. “My mother was unskilled and unable to provide for her children. When my father left, we were plunged further into poverty, as well as a filthy, crime-filled neighborhood. Drugs were important to nearly every neighbor and prostitution ran rampant. I know that without Jesus, I would have been bitter and angry. Two days before my mother died, my only brother took his life because he couldn’t deal with the anger he felt towards God.”

  At this Jenni heard several gasps, including her own. How awful to lose so many people that you loved.

  “I was seventeen at the time and my brother was fifteen. He hadn’t found peace as I had and he refused to listen to me when I tried so desperately to share the Gospel with him. Now, lest you think that this is a sermon, it’s not. I simply needed to explain to you that my walk with Christ is much more than a religious experience. Jesus Christ is my life.”

  Jenni wanted to cheer and clap, but somehow found a way to restrain herself. Dan was standing less than ten feet away and she wished very much that she could let him know how much she cared.

  “I can’t address you people today without sharing with you that without Jesus I’d be nothing. Oh, I might still write the occasional book, I might even be as popular a writer as I am at this point in my career – but none of it would matter because no matter how much money I made or how many books I sold, the emptiness would smother me if I had to live without my heavenly Father’s love.”

  Jenni found herself clapping and suddenly the entire room joined her. The applause was loud and long, and Dan fairly beamed from the acknowledgement that the crowd approved his right to be a Christian and to speak out for the God he loved.

  After several more comments, Jenni found herself suddenly looking face to face with Dan. “I have to share with you,” he was saying as he walked closer to Jenni, “a very important person in my life. A person I believe God has sent my way to spend the rest of my life with.” He was no reaching out for Jenni, but her trembling hand could barely reach up to his.

  “This is Jennifer Campbell,” Dan said as he pulled Jenni to his side, “the woman I hope will one day be my wife.”

  Jenni’s head snapped up in surprise. “What?” she whispered against the thunderous applause of the auditorium.

  Dan’s mischievous grin was very close as he leaned toward her. “Well?” he murmured against her ear.

  Jenni felt her knees begin to wobble. Her chest felt tight and her mind raced a million miles a minute. Dan James had just proposed in front of over two hundred people.

  With tears blurring her eyes, Jenni knew she had to get out of the room. Dan had returned to the front of the room to finish his speech and take questions. As soon as people began to raise their hands, Jenni slipped out the side aisle and ran for the seclusion of her car.

  EIGHTEEN

  Jenni drove back to O’Reilly’s in a stupor. Wasn’t this what she’d wanted? Hadn’t she been dreaming that Dan would one day propose to her? Yet here it had happened, and she only felt frustration and confusion.

  As she pulled into her customary parking place, she turned off the engine and began to pray. “I need You so much, Father. I need You to show me what the right decision is. Now that Daniel has proposed, I’m more perplexed than ever. Just when I think my feelings are clear, Brian’s image fills my head. What should I do, Lord?”

  Suddenly, Jenni thought of several verses from I John 3:10. She found herself whispering them aloud to remind herself of their wisdom in her situation. “This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: Anyone who does not do what is right is not a child of God; neither is anyone who does not love his brother.”

  Jenni thought for several moments before continuing her prayer. “But, Father, both men claim to be Your children. Both claim to have given their lives over to You by accepting Jesus as their Savior.” Her eyes filled with tears from the frustration of the moment. “I don’t know what to do!”

  A tap on the window so startled Jenni that she jumped. When she turned her head, she was relieved to find Kelly at the door. Jenni opened the car door and stepped into Kelly’s open arms. As she sobbed, Kelly offered her consolation.

  “You aren’t going to believe this, but Dan asked me to marry him,” Jenni sobbed.

  “That’s good, isn’t it?” Kelly questioned with a smile.

  “Oh, Kelly, I want it to be. I thought it was all I wanted, but since Brian asked me too, I just don’t know what to think.”

  “Do you love Brian?” Kelly asked.

  “I don’t know. I can’t really figure out what it is I feel for Brian. I feel happy that he’s found the Lord. It pleases me that he’s a part of God’s family. I also have some good memories with Brian that make me feel good. I don’t think I completely trust him, though. I care about him, but I’m not sure I care for him. There is a difference, isn’t there?” Jenni questioned.

  “I think so,” Kelly co
nfirmed. “What about Dan? Do you love him?”

  “Yes, I’m fairly certain that I love him,” Jenni said, shaking her head.

  “Fairly certain? What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Well, I think I love him in the right way. You know, in more than just a physical way. It’s just that the physical attraction between us tends to cloud my thinking.” Jenni frowned and then continued, “Anyway, I think the love I feel for him is genuine. I don’t feel it out of obligation and I don’t feel intimidated by him. I’m just not sure. I feel so confused by my physical reaction to him.”

  “But you do feel intimidated by Brian?” Kelly questioned.

  Jenni had never really thought those words before, but she had to acknowledge that they were true. “Yes, I suppose I do.”

  “Look,” Kelly said as she took hold of Jenni’s hand. “I’m going to pray with you and then I think the best thing for everyone is for you to go on home. Go back to Topeka today. Why wait until tomorrow? I can manage just fine here and this way you can leave without having to see or talk to either Daniel or Brian.”

  “Do you think it would help?” Jenni questioned.

  “I think it would give you over six hundred miles to pray in solitude,” Kelly said and squeezed Jenni’s hand. “And you know that can’t hurt.”

  ❧

  Interstate 70 stretched out before her, a long gray ribbon leading to the horizon. Once Denver was well behind her, the land became flat and desolate. She passed an occasional small town, but nothing of any major proportion until Limon, Colorado, where Jenni spent the night.

  The next morning, Jenni rose early and after a light breakfast hurried to get back to the highway. She drove ever closer to Topeka, while a light snow fell.

  When she was only two hours from home, she decided to stop in Abilene for dinner. Spotting a steak house, she pulled into the parking lot and went inside. She freshened up in the rest room, then allowed the hostess to seat her in the dining room. Jenni couldn’t suppress a yawn as the waitress placed a glass of water on the table and offered her a menu.