Squared Away

by Annabeth Albert

  “It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.”

  “I get that. Now. But you gotta understand where I’m coming from here. I’ve never had a partnership. Not really. I loved my parents, but they had their lives and we kids had ours. And their marriage was hardly a blueprint for a functional partnership. Ditto Cal and Danielle. She and I were friends, once upon a time, but then she discovered her crowd in junior high school, left me far behind.”

  Creak. The box where Isaiah had hidden his heart cracked open, a sliver of light coming in, as he ached for the kid that Mark had been. They’d been so much alike when it came down to it, learning to be self-reliant, not let others in.

  Mark continued, “My swim buddy rang out second week of BUD/S. I’ve trusted my teammates, but we’ve never been partners. So then there’s you. For whom I’m Mark, not Wizard, no myth to hide behind. And you tell me you want me to trust you. And I just...couldn’t. Couldn’t give up that control. Couldn’t make myself vulnerable like that.”

  “But I need you to.” Isaiah gave voice to the thoughts that he’d carried around all week. “If you respect me, you have to trust me. And maybe I’m a control freak too. I didn’t want to trust you back. Didn’t want to have to rely on you.”

  “Maybe we needed each other.” Mark gave him a lopsided smile. “Maybe we needed each other to learn to trust. But maybe you figured that out a little faster than me.”

  “Not sure about that,” Isaiah admitted. “I told you we should work together, but I was still insistent that it had to be me in control. Sharing that control is some scary shit. I wasn’t exactly open to trust or compromise either.”

  “Here.” Mark dug in his pocket and came up with two folded pieces of paper. He handed one to Isaiah. “This is what I wanted to give you. It’s an email I just sent to my lawyer.”

  Isaiah opened it with shaking hands, having to read it twice with blurry eyes. “You’re dropping the motion to intervene? Why?”

  “Because this is the best way to show you that I do trust you and respect you. I trust you to do a good job. I trust you to let me stay in their lives. But it’s more than that. I want it to be you. Because it should be you. You’re the one who’s doing the real work, raising the kids, with them day in and day out. The court wants to find the person in the best interests of the kids. And that’s you. I believe that now.”

  “You do?” Isaiah’s lungs burned like he’d done one of the swim torture exercises Mark had told him about.

  “But I also believe we’re better together. We’re a good team, you and I. And that’s why I did this.” He handed Isaiah a second email, this one to Tom Yates, the lawyer who’d handled the wills.

  “You want to give up your claim to the house? Put it in trust for the kids? And you want me named trustee? Mark, that’s a ton of money. And you’re giving it up, why?”

  “I talked with Tom tonight. It’s going to be complicated, but we think we can satisfy the debts with other assets, come out of probate without selling the house. Not gonna lie, it’s going to be very tricky. And the court could still come out as finding me the sole owner. But I want them to grow up here. I want you here with them. Annual taxes and maintenance are going to be a sticking—”

  “Back it up. Screw taxes. You want to give the kids this house? Isn’t that more protector crap?”

  “Maybe a little.” Mark’s cheeks flushed. “But it’s also selfish. I like you guys here. I like knowing a family is here again. My family. I like you guys so close to base. Even if I have to move back to barracks, let you have...your life, I like the idea of being able visit easily. And I love the idea of the kids deciding to keep the house. One or more of them spending their whole lives here. I didn’t want to sell. Not yet. This way I don’t have to.”

  “Your uncle is going to shit a brick with you giving up the house for the kids and suggesting I be the trustee. He’s going to contest both the physical and legal custody, even if you withdraw.”

  “I have a few ideas about that. If you’d hear me out. I thought about talking to him myself, but then I figured you’d like it better if I talked to you first, got your thoughts on what the best course of action is.”

  “You figured right.” Isaiah did like being consulted. And he still couldn’t believe that Mark was dropping his case. Because he believed in Isaiah. He was having to work very hard to not get emotional over Mark’s declaration. “So, options?”

  “Okay, so option one is that I talk to my uncle. Get him to drop out. I have a strong feeling that if I personally give up some voting shares or something—”

  “Absolutely not. You are not buying your way out of this. You’re not giving up even more money.” Isaiah shook his head. No way was he letting Mark go through with the house plan. “There’s an option two?”

  “Yeah. I write a letter to the court, throw my full support behind you for physical and financial guardian. And then we cross our fingers and hope the court doesn’t listen to my uncle.”

  “That sounds more reasonable than you giving up money. I think I’ve got a shot. Even with you trying to tilt things by giving up the house, I’ve got my family behind me. My dad says the kids and I can stay with him as long as we need, and I’ve filled my client book into the fall. Adding jobs every day this week.”

  “That’s great. You and your dad came to an understanding?”

  “Of sorts.” Isaiah shrugged like standing up to his dad hadn’t been a minor miracle. And wonder of wonders, it had worked. He was still in shock over that. “Option two sounds like the best course of action. You on our side will help—”

  “Wait.” Mark sounded wounded, face falling. “You don’t even want to hear option three?”

  “Okay, okay. Tell me about option three?”

  “We get married.” Mark might have said more words but Isaiah’s brain imploded, right there on the sofa. Done. Goo. No more neurons.

  “Whaaa?” It was the only sound he could force out.

  “I said, we could get married. You and me.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Mark’s heart clattered like he’d taken an intracardiac injection of adrenaline—a freaky, frantic beat like he was finally back to life after being a goner, but his body had yet to figure out how to behave.

  “Excuse me? You want to what?” Isaiah’s eyes were bugging out, which was pretty much as Mark had expected. “This is even crazier than your plan with the house. I’ll be fine. My dad’s house is pretty big. It’s time it was a home again too. And all I really need from you is that letter. We’ll be fine.”

  Yeah, well, I won’t be. Mark made a frustrated noise. “This isn’t me wanting to be the protector.”

  “Oh?” Isaiah didn’t sound like he believed him at all.

  “It’s about wanting to be a team. A partnership. A family. If the court looks at us and sees that, sees a family here, there’s no way they’re not siding with us. We’re stronger together.”

  “So what? This is a marriage of convenience? For the sake of the kids and the court case?” Isaiah scoffed. Crap. Mark really had his work cut out for him. He’d thought Isaiah might agree with him about stronger together, but instead he did all but roll his eyes. “Sorry. Not interested. Dude. You do realize that you can’t tell people you’re only doing this as a thing of convenience, right? People are going to assume we’re a couple. Like a real couple.”

  “I know.”

  “Your team would know. The military’s not going to let you go and get married without a shit ton of paperwork, I’m sure. Our mutual friends aren’t going to keep quiet about it either. And as you’ve already seen, strangers peg us as a same-sex family. You slap a ring on it, that’s only getting worse. I get you wanting to go all white knight and save the day, but honestly, Mark, and no offense to your considerable tactical skills, but you haven’t thought this through.”

  “I have too.” Now
Mark was mildly insulted. “I want them to read us as a couple. Bring on the friends. I’ll deal with my team. I want us to be a couple. A real couple. I want us to try.”

  After he’d left Bacon and driven home, he’d thought and thought about what he really wanted in life, what taking his shot would really mean. What it would mean to leave no chips on the table. But Isaiah was still shaking his head.

  “There’s a huge leap between ‘we should try again’ and ‘hey let’s get married.’ I’m supposed to be the reckless, spontaneous one, not you.”

  “So. Be reckless with me.” Even though his heart hadn’t slowed down one bit, Mark gave him his best shot at a smile.

  “No.” Isaiah scooted away. “I can’t. I’m sorry. You fucking hurt me when you pushed me away. When you denied us being anything. When you told me to wait while you figured out whether we were anything of value, anything worth keeping. That hurt. I was ready to be all in then, and you put the brakes on. More than once. How am I supposed to believe that won’t happen again?”

  “It won’t. I promise—”

  “Not good enough. How am I supposed to believe that you won’t push me away when things get hard? That you won’t go into protector mode again? You tell me you’ve got trust issues, well me too, buddy. Me too. Take a number. How am I supposed to trust you when you cracked my heart in two and acted like you couldn’t give a shit?”

  “I hurt you. I know. I was having a hard time finding courage—”

  “You’re a fucking SEAL, not the cowardly lion. Maybe you didn’t want to look for your courage. Maybe you didn’t want me enough. And that’s okay. That’s your right. Maybe I’m just not the one for you. Go forth and find that person. But when I get married, I’m going to be enough for someone. I’m going to be everything for them. They’ll put me first, because I deserve that. They’ll treat me like an equal. And they sure as hell won’t suggest getting married as a legal convenience.”

  “You are enough. And actually, you deserve better than me.” He paused, but Isaiah only nodded and crossed his arms, so Mark scrambled to keep going. “You’re the one. The one for me. I told Bacon about us tonight. Told him that you’re my person.”

  “You came out to Bacon?” Isaiah’s arms uncrossed, but he didn’t look any closer to a yes.

  “I did. And I’ll tell the rest of our friends too. I want to tell the world you’re my person. I want to do this, not because it will impress the court or because it’s a convenience, but because it’s reckless and impulsive and I love you and you’re it for me. The one. I knew you might be the one six years ago, but you were eight-fucking-teen and I told that part of my brain to zip it, but I’ve never felt like this about anyone else. No one. I don’t want to find someone else. You’re it.”

  Isaiah licked his lips. “Back that up a second. That’s a lot of words.”

  “I know. I kind of got going—”

  “I noticed.” Isaiah gave a dry laugh. “But let me catch up for a second. It’s reckless and impulsive and you...”

  “I love you.”

  “Really? Since when?”

  “I wish I could tell you when it happened. Might have been when I took you along to the tux shop and you were so damn excited about college and I wanted to harness all your energy and enthusiasm, have a little for me. Might have been when you asked me to teach you to dance, so brash. Or maybe it was later. Maybe it was my first morning here when you made me coffee without asking, and I saw you wearing the baby in the pack and I just...my heart knew.”

  “It did, huh?” Isaiah was maddeningly vague, face still unreadable, so Mark plowed ahead.

  “I wish I had some romantic story for you about the moment our eyes met. But that’s not how I work. We connected all those years ago, and my heart never dropped that connection, and then I went through this thing with you. We went to war with grief together. That... I don’t know...bonded us. Same as me and my teammates with a hard mission, but different because it was you, and my heart was involved in new ways.”

  “As far as romantic stories go, that’s not terrible.” Isaiah gave him the barest hint of a smile.

  “I’m not sure at what point in the whole thing I fell in love, just that I was, and it was like I always had been. And it terrified me. The control thing. I couldn’t be sure I wouldn’t lose you. So I tried to deny my feelings.”

  “How’d that work out for you?”

  “Terrible. And I hurt you. I was afraid to lose you, and then I lost you anyway. I was so afraid you’d move on, leave me behind, that I wouldn’t be enough for you, but in the end it was me who pushed you away, me who wasn’t enough.”

  “You would have been enough. You, Mark. Not Wizard. Not some perfect boyfriend you seem to think I want. Or need. All I ever really needed was you. You to love me. You to put me first. You to believe me when I say I care too.”

  “Do you? Care too, I mean.”

  It took centuries for Isaiah to nod. “You broke my heart. I loved you, and that love wasn’t enough.”

  “I... I didn’t know.”

  “I guess I could have told you, but you weren’t exactly making it easy to confess my feelings. And then you blindsided me with the court filings.”

  “I should have told you. I could have done a way better job communicating.”

  “A simple ‘hey, Isaiah, I’m kinda freaked out at what I’m feeling’ would have gone a long way. And add a ‘oh by the way I talked to a lawyer guy’ and we would have been in business.”

  “I’m sorry. I fucked up. And I hurt you, which I never want to do again. But if I love you and you love me, don’t you think we owe it to the universe to try again? People don’t get what we found with each other every day. And we know better than most people how damn short life is. You don’t get infinite chances in this life, and I want to spend mine with you. I mean it, Ike. You’re my one.”

  “It’s not just us. I want a family for the kids. I don’t want them yanked around, you change your mind, decide you don’t want the hassle—”

  “You’re not a hassle. I’m sorry I made you feel like you were. I want a family more than anything. I want it with you. That’s why I want to get married now. I want to go into the court meeting as partners. No ‘Mark won’ or ‘Isaiah gets them’ but a real statement that we’re in this together. Forever. The five of us. It may have taken me a while to get my head out of my ass—”

  “Not gonna argue with that.” Isaiah’s laugh this time was more genuine.

  “But I’m in this now. When Bacon asked me if you were my person, I just...knew. Same as that day when I knew I was supposed to be a SEAL medic. You’re it for me. Forever. I can see us together, here if possible, raising the kids. I can see us after they grow up too. You’re just...my person. You’re always going to be, even if the answer here’s a no. You’ll still be my family. And I want you to be happy, whatever that means. I just hope that maybe it could be with me.”

  Isaiah slid closer, and Mark’s heart lurched into his throat. He shut up, finally done with his verbal spew, not wanting to drive him away by saying the wrong words.

  “It could be with you,” Isaiah whispered. “I want it to be with you. I want a family together. But I’m also working hard on being more pragmatic with my big dreams—”

  “Dream with me. Please.”

  * * *

  Mark wanted him to dream but Isaiah simply wasn’t sure he remembered how. This was a huge risk, with everything on the line. And part of him wanted to leap headlong into the unknown, throw himself at Mark with an unequivocal yes. But the other part, the part that had spent the past few weeks alone and uncertain, held back.

  “And if I say I need more time, that I just can’t give you an answer right this second, what then?”

  Watching Mark’s face transform from unabashed hope to droopy resignation was one of the hardest things Isaiah had done.

/>   “That’s reasonable. And fair. I’ll write the letter,” Mark said at last. “I mean it. I believe you’re best for the kids whether you want me in your life romantically or not. So I’ll wait. And try to show you that I won’t make the same mistakes twice. Try to show you that I’m worthy of a second chance.”

  It was the right answer. The best answer. And the reluctant part of Isaiah softened a bit more.

  “I’m not saying no.” Isaiah gave in to the urge to grab Mark’s hands, squeeze them. “But I need to think on this whole proposal thing.”

  “So maybe we go slow?” Some of the hope returned to Mark’s eyes. “You went slow for me. I can do that for you. As long as it takes.”

  “I can handle slow.” Isaiah ghosted a kiss across Mark’s cheek. “You taught me to love going slow. Before I was always speeding through life, one milepost to the next, missing all sorts of sights along the way.”

  “Then let’s drive the slow lane together.” Mark pulled him into a tight hug. “I missed you. I missed you so much.”

  “Me too.” Isaiah bit his lip, uncertain what they were supposed to do now. “It’s late. And you’ve got work early tomorrow.”

  “Yeah.” Mark didn’t seem like he knew any more than Isaiah how to go forward.

  “Do you...” He swallowed hard. “Do you want to sleep upstairs?”

  “Yeah. Please.” Mark nodded.

  Isaiah liked how with Mark he could say “sleep” and that was what would probably happen—Mark wasn’t going to read the offer as an open invitation to sex. But after this emotional, draining talk, one they’d both poured so much into, he needed to simply hold Mark for a while, let some of his anger and frustration drain away, replay the pretty things Mark had said, bask in the knowledge that Mark believed in him, believed in them. He loves me. He really loves me.