Disgrace

by Kit Bladegrave

  “And?”

  “And if I may be blunt?”

  I waved for him to continue.

  He took a deep breath. “I will wed you to keep your promise to Jaspen, but I cannot promise you will have a perfect, joyful life with me. I cannot change who I am, nor do I want to. I sense, you do not wish to change, either, though it appears someone else was hoping you might?” He glanced at the dress.

  “Irina’s idea.” I sighed. “And no, I do not wish to change either. What exactly are you saying?”

  He tugged hard at his beard, seeming to have a silent argument with himself.

  “Holden?”

  “Yes, sorry. I am not one for large gatherings with anyone, including other gods or demis so if you would be agreeable to a wedding tomorrow? That way it’s done and over with.”

  Tomorrow. He wanted us to wed tomorrow, just like that. I bit the inside of my cheek so hard I tasted blood, sinking down to the edge of the fountain as my mind raced. It was true, the last thing I wanted was a fancy gathering like what my sister just had. No need to have so many gathered for it. All we truly needed was Jaspen, so he could witness the act. Was this to be my future then? Wed to a demon who I would argue with constantly, not even get along with.

  One who would never love me? Gods, I sounded pathetic, and this was not a time for wishing Holden and I could have something that may never be fated for us. It was about survival, plain and simple. And if nothing else, I always did what was required to survive another day.

  “Gabriella?”

  I jumped, at his being suddenly so much closer. That lost look was back in his eyes, but with it was a look of resolve to do this.

  “I suppose there is no point in putting it off,” I admitted.

  “No, there is not,” he agreed and held out his hand. “I will try to be civil.”

  “And I will do the same. It’s all we can hope for, yes?” I hadn’t meant the words to come out so bitter, but just once I’d hoped for something good to happen in my life. A chance at true happiness, or love. But instead, I was left with doing what was necessary to ensure this damned deal was completed. I took Holden’s hand, and he helped me to my feet. “Tomorrow then.”

  “Tomorrow,” he repeated, but did not let go of my hand.

  He glanced at them curiously, clasped together they were. I confess, I did as well. The other night when he’d grabbed my arm to catch me, I assumed the heat had merely been from how attractive he was, but the strange fluttering in my stomach hinted at something more.

  “Hmm, sorry,” he mumbled and pulled his hand back.

  “Shall we go tell the others?” I suggested.

  “Yes, we shall. And Gabriella?”

  “What is it?”

  He tugged on his beard again, a habit I found attractive to watch, as he cleared his throat and his cheeks reddened. “I like you better this way.”

  “This isn’t even all the real me, but thank you,” I said politely.

  I was surprised when he offered me his arm, and I tucked my hand into the crook of his elbow. Together, we returned to the hall to find Irina and Ezra sitting together, talking with their heads close. Holden coughed loudly, and they both straightened, staring at our linked bodies confused before they both broke out in smiles.

  “So? Have we made up?” Irina asked.

  “Ah, not exactly,” I said and removed my hand from Holden’s arm.

  He shifted closer as if on instinct than gave his head a little shake and squared his shoulders.

  “We have come to an agreement,” I added.

  “Agreement? What agreement?” Ezra asked as he stood.

  “We wish to wed tomorrow and be done with it,” Holden announced. “No big celebration, just the two of you and Jaspen. There is no point in putting it off, and we both agree to do our part in this deal and be civil.”

  “Civil, that’s it?” Irina eyed me intently, and I pleaded with my eyes for her to leave it alone.

  “If that is what you both wish to do,” Ezra said slowly, sounding disappointed, “then I respect your wishes and will send word to Father.”

  “Thank you. Do you mind if we have it here?”

  “Here? Why not in Disgrace?”

  Holden clenched his jaw as he uttered, “I will not be wed in that bloody kingdom. Understood?”

  “We could do it at my cabin,” I suggested, not wanting to have it here either. “It’s out of the way in the woods, far in the mountains.”

  Holden bowed his head. “That will do.”

  “Sunset?”

  “I will see you there,” Holden said simply.

  “Perfect.” With nothing more to discuss, I turned on my heel and hurried from the hall. Irina followed me this time but said nothing as we walked through the castle and back to my chamber. The moment the door closed, I sagged against it, shaking my head. “I’m getting married tomorrow.”

  “Why are you agreeing to this?” she demanded, and I spun around, shocked to find her angry.

  “Why not?”

  “You should give yourselves time, a chance to see who the other is! You never know—”

  “Know what?” I cut her off. “He is not like Ezra, and I am not you. We’re both far better off alone, and we know that. We accept it. But if this is what’s necessary, then I’ll do it.”

  “Now who’s the one blinded by her sense of duty?”

  “Not duty, survival,” I argued hotly. “That’s all I’ve ever known in this world is how to survive! You never have, so do not stand there and lecture me on what I should or should not give a chance. You and Ezra are lucky to have found love, and I’m thrilled for you, I am, but that may not be what’s in my future with Holden.”

  “So you’re just going to be miserable for all eternity with each other?”

  “We each will have our lives, that’s what matters, and we’ll be wed in the eyes of the gods, also what matters. Everything else, we don’t need it to get by.”

  Irina, sweet Irina, looked ready to throttle me. “You don’t know what you’re saying.”

  “I know perfectly well what I’m saying! You grew up loved, Irina! You grew up with a family. I grew up with nothing and no one to give me that love. For all I know, I can’t love. The ability was torn away from me when I was abandoned. So please, let it go and leave me be.”

  “Everyone can love,” she insisted.

  “Prove it,” I snapped. “Father certainly did not and my mother… it doesn’t matter. I will marry Holden and continue to live my life as I am now, just with an extra attachment of sorts.”

  “That is not how marriage should work.”

  “It’s better than what I’ve seen up close. Perhaps it’s all I deserve, the barbaric demi from the northern mountains.”

  Her face shattered, and she hung her head. “Gabby, please, I just—I’m sorry.”

  I ran my hands through my hair, wanting my braids back. And my furs, too. “No, I am. I know you mean well. You will be there tomorrow, yes?”

  “Yes, I’ll help you get ready, as you did me.”

  “I’m not wearing one of your dresses. If I’m doing this, I’m doing it my way.”

  She cringed, glancing at my furs draped over the changing screen. “It’s your wedding, you should be comfortable if nothing else.”

  I walked to the door and yanked it open for her to leave. I heard steps quickly retreating and poked my head out, but the corridor was empty. Irina bade me good night then left. I shut and locked the door behind her, turning to face the room a second time that night, wondering what my new home would be like. At least I could return to my cabin any time I wished, for it was not in the god realm. One loophole to celebrate. I stormed to the mirror and glared at the dress, hating it all over again.

  By tomorrow night, I would be a married woman.

  And all I knew about my soon-to-be husband was he might be more unsure of who he was than I was of myself. I changed out of the dress and back into my furs, not wanting to stay the night here. I
had many things to pack and prepare for and doubted I would sleep anyway. I would make use of my time doing something worthwhile.

  And at least if I wasn’t sleeping, I would not see Tori stalking me in my dreams.

  4

  Holden

  I stayed in the room Ezra let me have, not wanting to run into Gabriella again until tomorrow at sundown. After she stormed out of the hall, I made to follow, wanting to ensure there was nothing else she wished to have for our impromptu ceremony. Outside her room, I heard the argument inside and told myself to walk away, but the force of her words dragged me in, and I’d pressed my ear closer to the door.

  What she said astounded me. She didn’t think she deserved to be loved? Why?

  I understood why I didn’t, but she was not a bastard, and yet from what I heard, Alric and her mother did not want her. I walked around my room, running over everything I’d heard Gabriella and Irina argue about. The first was right, we would be wed, and that was all that mattered to this deal. What happened afterward, if we were happy or not, that was our business and no one else’s. She had her life, and I had mine.

  So why did her words bother me so much? I considered going back to her room but talked myself out of it and eventually collapsed on my bed. Our wedding was tomorrow, and I was far from ready to be a husband. Why had I even suggested it? I’d been planning on digging my feet in and finding a way, any possible way, to get out of it. Seeing her in the garden without her hair done up and with her face cleaned off showed me she was truly as far from any goddesses I’d had the unhappy pleasure of meeting. She had freckles. I hadn’t even noticed them the first time we met, not in the dim lighting. They made her already strong features just a bit softer. If only I managed to get a smile from her. I wanted to know what one would like on her face.

  Usually, I did not care, but she’d been so sad and defeated.

  And when our eyes met, I’d been shocked to see she had the same look I usually hid away from the rest of the world.

  “Doesn’t matter,” I muttered to myself. “You will wed and then go back to your life. No questions asked.”

  I failed to believe my own words, doubting anything about my life was going to stay the same. When I took her hand tonight, a heat filled me I never experienced before. She was a rare beauty, I did not deny that, but could see no way we would ever have a true, meaningful relationship. I was too rough around the edges, and she deserved someone far better than me.

  “For this being your wedding day, you should at least attempt a smile,” Ezra suggested.

  We exited Gabriella’s temple in the kingdom of Channon. I ran my hands over the leather and linen clothes I wore, the dressiest items I had on hand. Ezra had frowned when he saw my attire, but said nothing about my choice. Black was what I always wore, along with my dark brown leather boots and overcoat. If my agreement with Gabriella was to be civil with each other and not expect the other to change, there was no reason to hide who I was away from sneaky dinners set up by my brother.

  “Or you could continue to brood. Brooding works,” he mumbled as I led the way out of the temple and into the village.

  Channon was covered in a fresh layer of snow, the sky overcast, but the people laughed and carried on their daily chores as if the cold air did not bite at them. I had to give them credit, and Gabriella, too, for living in this harsh climate. I took my time, observing the cabin style homes and the clothing worn by all, as well as the braided hair of the women filled with beads. Last night, Gabriella mentioned I was only seeing part of the real her. Curiosity over what she considered all the real her had me walking faster, off the main road and into the trees.

  We were barely within their shadows when I heard rustling. I slowed, catching glimpses of white fur darting in and out of the dark trunks.

  “What’s out there?” Ezra mused.

  “Wolves.”

  “Are they stalking us?”

  “Appear to be. Don’t tell me you’re scared, brother?” I winked.

  “Hardly, just find it interesting, is all.”

  “What is?”

  “You have your hounds, and from what Irina told me, the wolves here answer to Gabriella.”

  I paused, realizing that was most likely the reason why Gabriella showed no sign of fear around the hounds. These wolves were as large as my hounds and could be just as vicious. They were simply easier to kill. We continued toward the cabin, moving higher up into the mountain, following the trail laid before us. The crackling of fire reached my ears, and I spotted one burning brightly outside a humble cabin in a clearing. There was a garden to the right, currently vacant of any vegetation. A drying rack stood beyond it with what appeared to be a work table. Pelts and furs covered another rack, and antlers decorated the overhang on the front porch.

  I could easily see myself living here and nodded in approval of the location for a wedding.

  “My sons,” Jaspen said, and Ezra went to him first, embracing his father. “Holden.”

  I took his hand and shook it firmly. “I trust we did not pull you away from anything too important.”

  “No, not at all. I am surprised you have agreed to wed so quickly.”

  “There seemed no point in waiting,” I replied.

  “I see, and you two are getting along then?” His gaze darted to Ezra.

  My brother shrugged as I frowned.

  I took the bait. “Well enough, considering I would much rather be left alone.”

  “You know you have time,” Jaspen stated. “No reason to rush the wedding.”

  “This is what we agreed to do, so we are doing it. I will not be the reason this deal fails and Gabriella is punished for it. Are we ready to begin?” I said quickly, wanting Jaspen to stop trying to convince me to wait. Waiting would change nothing.

  Jaspen took my arm and guided me away from Ezra and the warmth of the fire. “I understand there is a bit of a deadline here, but I am not doing this to my sons lightly, or out of spite.”

  “I know, but it’s a duty you have asked of me, and I will always do as you ask, Jaspen.”

  His face crumpled a bit at the edges, but he inclined his head. “As you wish then. But remember, though you two may not like each other now, that may change in the future, if you’re both willing to work at it.”

  “I have no doubts we’ll get along just fine.” I managed a smile, lasting long enough for Jaspen to leave me be.

  He walked to the cabin, and I turned my back, staring out into the woods. Several pairs of glowing, yellow eyes glared back at me. I narrowed my gaze, but they did not look away. Her wolves seemed as loyal to her as my hounds were to me. That, in itself, told me much more about Gabriella. I admitted how wrong I was about her the first night we met. She was far from a spoiled goddess princess.

  “Yollen is performing your ceremony,” Ezra told me, standing by my side.

  “Nice and quick, then,” I said, knowing this particular god of love was not one for rambling on. Straight to the point. Perfect.

  The white-haired god in question joined us next, shaking my hand and Ezra’s. “Are you ready to begin?”

  “Yes.” I adjusted my overcoat one final time and turned to face the fire before the cabin.

  “If the bride would present herself to be wed,” Yollen called, and the door to the cabin opened.

  My stomach was suddenly in knots, and I found it hard to breathe as I listened to footsteps exit the cabin and crunch through the snow that had not melted from the fire yet.

  Slowly, I lifted my head, and the air was stolen from my lungs.

  The woman walking toward me was certainly in her element and could not be for me.

  She wore not a dress, but a cloak of pure white fur that dragged behind her as she walked. The fur and leather top dipped low, showing creamy skin decorated with tattoos and markings I had not noticed during our first meeting. It tucked in fittingly at the waist, then draped down in jagged lashes of more reddish-brown fur mixed with braided leather and beads. More ma
rkings in black and red highlighted her cheekbones and smooth jaw.

  I wanted to suddenly hold her face between my hands. Her brown eyes shone fiercely back at me as she walked, head held high. And those braids, so intricately woven with more beads and stones that glimmered in the firelight, I would’ve sworn she’d come straight from some carving.

  Gabriella. This was who she truly was.

  And at that moment, my whole body went numb, hating that she would now be stuck with me for all eternity, the husband who would never be able to fulfill her dreams or make her happy.

  Gabriella came to a stop, standing opposite me, and I spotted Irina hurrying to take her place beside Ezra and Jaspen. My bride held no bouquet in her hands, but there was something I couldn’t quite make out.

  “We have come here on this day at sunset to bind Gabriella and Holden together,” Yollen began. “This bond will be eternal, created out of the care they share for one another.”

  Gabriella stiffened at the words, but didn’t interrupt.

  “Do you have the cords?”

  I turned to Ezra, and he handed the simple black cord to me, and I passed it to Yollen. Irina then handed a red one to Gabriella who also let Yollen take it. He held them both firmly in his grasp, whispering words of blessings, then held out his right hand.

  “If you would both rest your right hands in mine.”

  I placed mine there first, and this time Gabriella did hesitate before she clasped mine. The same warmth flooded through my body, and her eyes narrowed in confusion before she looked at me. At least I wasn’t the only one feeling this strange sensation. Yollen took the cords and braided them together, then he wrapped them around our hands. He placed his on ours again and smiled.

  “May these cords remind you both of your sworn promises to care for the other, look after your spouse, and be true to them for all time. May they remind you that life and love are never easy, but with hard work and patience, you will endure, together.”