by Emma Hart
I haven’t seen Cain for hours. I don’t even know if he’s still here anymore. Was he ever here? I don’t know.
The worst part about this is that I’m not even drunk. Not in the slightest. Apparently snacking all day seriously reduces your ability to get blind drunk, which really sucks. I could definitely use the black void of that right now.
“You’re hiding.” Mom takes the seat to the left of me.
“Nope. I’m in plain sight.” I lean forward on the table as Carly takes the one to my right. “Not hiding.”
“Darlin’, you’re hiding,” Mandy says, sitting in the seat opposite me.
My sister slides into the only empty chair at the table. “You’re not doing it very well, Brooke.”
“That’s because I’m not hiding.” I offer her a wan smile and gently wave my glass from side to side. “I’m just sitting.”
“I think you’ve had enough.” Mom moves to pluck my glass away from my hand.
I move it out of her reach. “I’ve not had nearly enough. Trust me.”
“I’m sorry,” Billie says, leaning forward. She clasps her hands around her own glass and meets my gaze. “I shouldn’t have pushed you earlier. I know this whole thing is hard on you.”
“Thank you.” I finish my drink and push the empty glass into the middle of the table.
“But now we don’t care.” Carly shuffles in her seat.
I glare at her.
“Oh, come on, Brooke!” she says in a low voice. “Enough is enough. You’ve been in a foul mood all day. You need to talk to him and tell him everything.”
“No, no I don’t.” I sit back in my chair.
“Yes, you do,” Mom insists. “Honey, you’ve been dancing around this for years. Now, he’s made a move on you—”
“No, he hasn’t.”
Mandy snorts. “Brooke, darlin’, I saw him moving on you.”
I groan and slump forward onto the table, sinking my hands into my hair. “It didn’t mean anything. Stop yelling at me, please. It was nothing. It was an accident. He slipped.”
“Right,” Billie drawls. “And that’s how I got pregnant all three times. Marcus’s penis just slipped into my vagina.”
“Billie!” Mom gasps.
Carly hides her laughter.
“Happens to the best of us.” Mandy pats my sister’s hand. Then she turns to me. “Brooke, if you don’t tell him, I will.”
“Tell who what?” Cain appears out of nowhere, right behind me. He grabs both mine and Carly’s chairs and leans forward.
“Nobody nothing,” I say too quickly. “They’ve all had too much to drink.”
“Says you,” Carly mutters.
“I’m sober enough to shove your head up your ass,” I warn her.
“Eh, you’re probably more coordinated after a few drinks.”
I’m hard-pressed to disagree with her.
“Tell who what?” Cain repeats, tugging on a thick lock of my hair. “What are you hiding, B?”
“Nothing! I’m hiding nothing!”
Mandy coughs behind her hand.
“No.” I point my finger at her. “No. Stop it right now.”
“Stop what?” She smiles sweetly.
“I need a drink.” I push Cain’s arm off the back of my chair and shove it out.
Nobody says a word as I get up, and I’m glad. I don’t want anybody to say a single word. I want everybody to leave me alone.
God, why did he have to kiss me in the kitchen this morning? Why did his parents have to walk in?
Why did I ever allow myself to see him as something more than my best friend Cain?
Damn it.
I never picked up my glass. I grab a fresh one, fill it with a cocktail, and put the big jug back down. I think this is the Blow Whoa. I don’t know.
I sip.
Whoa.
Yep, this is the Blow Whoa.
“B?” Cain comes up next to me and grabs a bottle of Budweiser from the big beer tin on the table.
It’s full of ice and beers and actually, the cold is kinda nice. I kinda wanna hug it to cool down because I’m hot.
Okay. Maybe I’m a little drink.
Drunk. I mean drunk.
Shit.
I take a bigger mouthful of my drink and swallow it. Hard.
“Brooke, what’s wrong with you?” Cain gently takes hold of my arm and turns me to look at him. His green eyes capture mine. “You’ve been avoiding me all night. Did I do something wrong? Shit—is it the towel thing from this morning?”
“No it’s not the towel thing.” My voice comes out much snappier that I’d intended.
He winces a little.
“I didn’t—I’m sorry.” I cover my eyes with my hand and take a deep breath. “Look,” I add, dropping my hand. “I just…I didn’t mean to…” I sigh.
“B, tell me what’s up.” Cain’s voice is soft, and he runs his hand down my arm. His fingers tickle my wrist before ghosting across my fingers and dropping away. “I know you and I know something’s wrong.”
Oh god. I’m gonna have to do this. I am, aren’t I?
I take another big mouthful of alcohol and swallow it. “Can we go inside? I need to…I need to talk to you about something.”
Cain pauses. His eyebrows draw together into a frown. “I…Yeah, sure. Come on.” He cups my elbow and guides me across the yard toward the house.
I can feel the eyes of my mom, sister, best friend, and Mandy on me, but I ignore them and go where Cain drags me. They can all kiss my ass. They all got me into this. They can all suck a donut while I have to get myself out of it.
But not before I bury myself alive, obviously.
Hi, my name is Brooke Barker, and I’m about to go dig the hole I’ll surely bury myself into, because I might be about to tell my best friend that I’m hopelessly in love with him.
“Did you mean the house or my apartment?” Cain pauses at the door to the kitchen.
“Uh, where are we less likely to be eavesdropped on?”
“My apartment it is.” He pushes me in the direction of his apartment.
Without a word, I follow him. I think my heart is about to throw up. Seriously.
It’s my heart or me.
I’d put fifty bucks on both me and my heart vomiting.
Hundred.
I’d put a hundred.
I could do with some more alcohol.
Now. Right now.
“All right.” Cain opens the door to his apartment and stands to the side to let me in.
I walk through, passing him. I’m almost disappointed that I’m barefoot because I’d find real satisfaction in kicking off a pair of shoes right now. The clunk as they hit the floor, the freedom…
And this is me putting my drink down now.
I set it on the coffee table and perch on the edge of the sofa. My stomach sinks as Cain takes the seat next to me.
He’s too close.
God, this is stifling. I don’t…I don’t want to have this conversation. I’d rather ignore it and go on with stupid questions spinning crazily inside my head.
“Brooke. Talk to me.” Cain shifts so he’s looking at me. “What did I do?”
I look at him out of the corner of my eye. “Why do you think you did something?”
“Because the last time you ignored me this deliberately, you were buying your senior prom dress and I told you that yes, your ass looked big in the dress you liked because I was fed up of shopping.”
Yeah…I remember that.
“Well, you were a dick that day.” I smile slightly.
“I’m a dick every day. You should know that.” He nudges me. “Seriously, what did I do?”
“I…you…ack!” I bury my face in my hands, slumping right forward. I’m a mess. Literally this time.
Cain shuffles across the sofa to me and rests his hand on my back. “It’s the towel, isn’t it?”
“No, it’s not the freaking towel!” I slap my hands down against the sofa cushion
and propel myself to standing. “If I cared for a damn second about the towel I’d have taken it off there and then and whipped you with it. It’s not the towel.” I press my hand against my forehead and rest the other hand on my hip.
“Then what is it? Jesus, B. Tell me what I did.”
“You kissed me!” I clap my hand over my mouth.
Slowly, he frowns, confusion clouding his green eyes. “I…yeah, I…shit.” He leans forward and rubs his hand over his mouth. “Fuck, I screwed up, didn’t I?”
Oh look, there’s the hole I just dug myself.
This could not be more awkward.
“Why?” I pause. “Why did you do it? And don’t tell me it’s because you wanted to. That’s the worst excuse ever.”
He takes a deep breath. “It’s the only one I have.”
“Well, it’s terrible!”
Cain sighs heavily. He stands and comes toward me. “Come here.” He pulls me over to the sofa, sitting me exactly where I just was. He sits down next to me and runs his hands through his hair. “Can you listen to me for just a minute?”
“That’s exactly what I want to do,” I say quietly.
“Okay.” He cups his hands over his nose and mouth for a moment before dropping them. His gaze finds mine easily and just like that, I’m lost. “Brooke, I kissed you because I wanted to. Both times. I don’t have another reason for it and I’m not going to try to find one. I just did it.”
“That’s not a reason!” I slide back from him. “Damn it. That’s like me saying I ate an entire pizza by myself because I wanted to and not because I was hungry.”
“That’s usually the reason you eat an entire pizza by yourself.”
I snap my fingers in front of his face. “Cain. Focus.”
He laughs quietly, hand in his hair again. “I don’t know what you want me to tell you. I’m sorry, okay? I made it awkward. I shouldn’t have kissed you.”
“I’m not…” Why can’t I talk properly tonight? “I’m not mad at you,” I say softly. “You don’t have to be sorry. It’s awkward, but that’s because I’m making it awkward.”
His soft pink lips curve into a smile. “No, it’s straight up awkward.”
“Yep, totally.” I smooth my hair back behind my ear and look down at my bare feet on the rug. “How do we make it not awkward again?”
“We stop talking about it.”
“But that doesn’t stop it up here.” I tap my finger to my temple. “And that’s where I really need it to stop, because it’s on loop in my head going over and over and over and over and it’s driving me crazy!”
“Brooke—”
“No, don’t Brooke me!” I stand up again and dive my hands into my hair. I run them right through as I pace toward the window and look out at the yard.
The party is still in full swing, and the sky is almost completely black now. As much as I want to put this off and never do it, I know I have to.
Mostly because nobody will set fireworks off without me. They know hell would break loose. I love fireworks.
In fact, it’s the only thing I like about this stupid holiday.
“You can’t Brooke me because you just don’t get it.” I let my hands fall away from my hair and spin to meet his gaze. “Okay? You just don’t get it.”
“That’s because you’re not explaining anything to me.”
“Just—ooh! I’m done. I can’t do this.” I throw my arms out to my sides and storm through the room.
“Brooke! Shit.”
I throw the front door open. My eyes are stinging, but I’m not going to give in to the urge to let the tears break through. I won’t do it. I’m not going to fall apart like that.
Not here, anyway.
“No.” Cain grabs me at the top of the stairs and yanks me back into his apartment.
I protest the entire time, but he ignores me. He slams the front door shut and shoves the bolt across. My heart skips a beat as he throws me back against the door and stares at me.
“No,” he repeats, his voice low. “No, B. You’re not running away from me. There’s never been a thing we couldn’t tell each other, and we’re not going to start now.”
That’s what you think, buster.
“Let me go,” I whisper.
He grabs me by the chin and forces me to look him in the eye. “Why did I kiss you? I kissed you because I wanted to. Because I had to. Because I knew that, even if you hated me after, I would regret it if I didn’t. If I walked away without kissing you on the beach and in the kitchen when I had the chance to, I’d regret it for longer than I want to think about. So there, B. There. I kissed you because I couldn’t fucking not.”
My heart is in my mouth. My ears are ringing and I can’t think or breathe or—
“What about now?” I swallow hard. “Do you feel that way now?”
“Do I want to kiss you right now?”
I nod. Barely.
“Yes. But I can’t. I won’t. Because it’s just going to make this worse and you’re going to hate me.”
I drop my eyes, turning my face so he has to let go of my chin. “You’re right. It will just make this worse, but not because I’ll hate you. I could never hate you, Cain. That’s the part you don’t understand.”
“Then tell me.” His voice cracks halfway through. “God, you’re the most important person in my life. I want to understand what the hell is going on in your crazy little head.”
A strangled sound escapes my throat. I push around him and walk into the middle of the room. Laughter and shouts come from outside, over the sound of the music which is louder than before. They’re getting their grooves on while I’m…
Well, I’m up here. And I’m rubbing my heart up and down a cheese grater for all intents and purposes.
I take a deep breath. Right now, it feels like the only thing I can control. In and out. In and out. In and out.
“I heard you. With Carly.” I run my fingers through my hair. “Talking about me.”
“Okay,” he says slowly, apparently unfazed by this. “What about it?”
I’m going to vomit. Right now.
“You were right when you asked her if there’s another reason why I hate Nina. There is.” I wrap my arms around my stomach as if it’ll hold in my urge to vomit. My gaze drops from his briefly before coming back up. “A big one actually.”
He doesn’t react for a moment. My heart is in my throat as I watch him stand and look at me until he opens his mouth to speak.
“Please don’t make me say it,” I whisper.
EIGHTEEN
LIFE TIP #18: Be honest. Always. Sometimes the reactions are surprising. Unless you killed your sister’s cat. Don’t be honest about that.
“Brooke.” Cain doesn’t move, but he keeps his gaze locked on mine. “Are you saying—”
“No, okay? I’m not saying anything. That’s the point. I don’t want to. I’ve never wanted to.”
He pauses with his lips slightly parted. I swallow hard and shuffle on the spot, letting the super-soft rug tickle the soles of my feet. We’re saved from awkward silence by the party outside, and I’m thankful for that. I don’t know if I’d be able to cope with this situation without the backing noise.
Cain rubs his hand down his face and looks up to the ceiling. “Shit,” he mutters into his hand.
I tighten my arms around myself. “I’m—I’m going to go, okay? I’ll…I’ll call you tomorrow. Or never. Whatever.” I duck my head and walk toward him standing in front of the door, but he doesn’t move out of the way for me. So I look up and into his eyes. “Can you let me pass? Please?”
He says nothing. He simply stares at me, a storm in his eyes. I can actually see the silent battle waging inside in his head thanks to his eyes, and it makes my throat go dry.
“Cain. Move.” I reach out to push him out of my path.
He doesn’t.
He wraps one hand around the back of my neck. He sinks his fingers into my hair and grips it at the base of my skull.<
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Then he pulls me against him.
And he kisses me.
The ferocity both shocks me and sends tingles down my spine. This is nothing like the other kisses—this isn’t gentle or unsure or testing. This is hard and deep and, damn it, it’s soul-consuming.
Cain wraps his other arm around my body, and all the instincts to flee leave my body in one exhale. I lean into him, into his kiss, and for the first time all day, I relax. He pulls me even closer, and I rest my hands at his side.
I don’t know how long he kisses me. I do know that I feel it everywhere. In every hair standing on end, in every beat of my heart, in every short, sharp breath I take.
“Don’t leave right now,” Cain whispers, pulling away from me. Just slightly. His arm is still around my back and his hand is still in my hair. “Stay. Please?”
I take a deep breath and slowly let it back out. “I don’t know.” I blink, focusing on his face. “It might not be a good idea. I’ll probably say something stupid.”
His lips slowly curve. “As opposed to your usual, intelligent conversations.”
I try to glare at him, but it doesn’t work because I smile. “Shut up. You’re an idiot.”
“I know.” His smile widens briefly before dropping. “Don’t run away from this—from me. All right, B? I think we have to talk about this.”
“I don’t want to talk about it. I’ve successfully avoided it for a number of years.”
His eyebrows shoot up, and he leans back. “Years?”
“And there was the something stupid.” Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.
“Then we definitely have to talk about this.” He relaxes his hold on my hair until he releases it entirely and his hand rests on my shoulders. His fingers tickle the back of my neck. “Now.”
“Really? I can think of tons of other things that would be better than talking about something I don’t want to talk about. Like watching Harry Potter. Ordering pizza. Going back to the party. Digging a grave so I can bury myself alive.”
His body vibrates with his deep laugh. “The first three I agree with, but I like you alive. And unburied.”
“Then you’ve officially lost your mind.”
“You are the authority on crazy.”
“I’m really starting to dislike you, Cain Elliott.”
