by Steven Pajak
Lying in bed, her blond hair flowing over her pillow, she looked like an angel. Both Sam and Kat were beautiful women, but of the two, Kat was stunning. My wife, when she was alive, joked that she was jealous of Kat and she’d do anything to keep me away from her if she had any interest in men for procreation.
At first, I thought she was asleep. Her head turned to the left, the awful scar hidden from view. When I sat beside her, she turned and a smile tweaked her face. The pale bruises would turn a dark purple in the next few hours. Above her right eye was a deep cut sewn together by Ravi’s steady hand.
Pushing her lose hair back behind her ears, Kat said, “I know I look like crap warmed over.”
“No,” I said, awkwardly. “You look beautiful.”
She tried to force her smile again. “You’re sweet.”
There was a moment of silence between us. I wasn’t sure what to say. Once again, my wife proved right. She had said I was no good at small talk. But it wasn’t just that. Only a couple of hours ago, she had been through a life-altering situation and I wasn’t sure how she would react to anything I might say. I didn’t want her to relive any part of that experience. I hoped over time, she would forget.
“We’re getting out of here, first thing in the morning,” I said. “You’re coming home.”
This time, her smile did not seem forced, but rather genuine. “That sounds good to me, boss.”
“Wesley misses you something fierce. And Sam.”
“We miss him, too. Has he grown?”
“Like a weed.”
“Is he…okay? Is he fitting in?”
“Absolutely. There’s other kids his age there and he’s taken to them. And he and Cody are inseparable.”
“And how is crotchety old Ray? He still treat Wesley like his personal butler?”
My silence was answer to her question, but I said, “He didn’t make it.”
Now it was Kat’s turn to be silent. She looked down at her hands for a moment, then back at me. “I’m sorry,” she said finally. “I know we all said things about Ray, but he was good for Wesley. How is he taking the loss?”
“It was a little hard at first, but like I said, there are kids his own age there and they helped him pull through. Kids are resilient and they bounce back, better than the adults, anyway.”
Kat reached out and took my hand. “Thank you for taking care of him. In all this time, we didn’t know what happened, whether you made it, whether you were coming back. But I knew, whatever happened, Wesley would be safe as long as he was with you.”
My breath caught as I thought about Wesley saying I couldn’t protect him from the crazies, that I couldn’t protect anyone. Under my watch, his parents had died. So had Ray. So had many, many more.
Before I could tell Kat that her faith in me had been sorely misplaced, Sam entered. She stood at the foot of the bed and said, “Am I interrupting something?”
“No,” I said. I pulled my hand out of Kat’s, perhaps a bit too abruptly. “We’re just catching up.”
“Your eyes are red,” Sam said to me. Then she looked at Kat and asked, “Is everything okay?”
“We’re all just tired, I think,” Kat said.
“I am tired,” I said. “I should get some rest. Big morning ahead of us. Where can I grab some shuteye?”
Sam looked at me for a moment longer, still sure she was missing something important. Finally, she reached into her bag and pulled out a set of keys and handed them to me. I recognized my house keys which still dangled from a keychain shaped like a house. My wife thought it was a cute way to remind me which keys were for our home.
“It’s just the way you left it,” she said.
When Providence made their deal with Randall Oaks, she and Kat were adamant that no one move into my home, and Phil had respected their wishes. For three months, my home stood empty, my memories untouched by strangers.
I pulled Sam into a hug and kissed her. “Thank you.”
“Hey, I want in on this,” Kat said.
Letting Sam go, I turned and hugged Kat.
“You guys get some rest, too,” I said. “A lot is going to happen tomorrow and I need you both at your best. Goodnight, ladies.”
“Goodnight, sweetie,” Sam said.
“Goodnight, boss,” Kat said.
I left the two lovers together—suddenly I felt a wave of loneliness sweep over me and I missed Lara something fierce—and found Brian and Tammy napping in the makeshift waiting area. The wooden chair upon which they sat looked quite uncomfortable and the tent did little to keep the cold at bay, but that had not stopped either of them from grabbing a few winks.
After leaving the interrogation trailer earlier, Brian insisted on having Tammy looked over by Ravi. Aside from the bruise on her cheek, Tammy appeared in good health. She must have bathed at some point; her hair was a lighter brown than I remembered. All of the tangles combed out, her fine hair fell softly across her shoulders. Someone had given her fresh clothes. She wore a thick, brown cable knit sweater and tan corduroy pants. She looked like a completely different woman, more like one of us than someone who belonged to a gang of blood-crazed bikers.
Watching them with their heads nodding back and forth, I considered letting them sleep, but in the end, I woke them. Honestly, there were memories in my home that I did not think I could face alone. Together, we left the medical tent and made our way up the familiar hill that led to my home.
As we passed Harper’s Knoll, I stopped a moment and looked on at the grave markers. “There’re so many of them now,” Brian said.
He held Tammy’s hand, their fingers intertwined. At first, I didn’t quite understand the relationship, or the speed at which it seemed to develop. But as I watched them together on the hill, I understood. This was a lonely world, where those we had loved were gone. And we all needed someone to survive. No one could make it alone anymore.
“Are those your people?” Tammy asked.
“Most of them,” Brian said.
To me, Tammy asked, “Is your family there?”
I shook my head. Brian must have told her about what happened to my wife and children. I was suddenly angry with my brother. What happened to my family was my own personal hell; it was not his to share, certainly not with a stranger.
Sensing my change in mood, Tammy said, “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s not my business.”
After a brief pause, I said, “Some of them were like family to me.” There was no harm in her question, after all. She did not deserve my anger. Besides, she’d been through her own personal hell, too.
“My wife is buried in the rose garden at the house. My kids…I buried them in front of the church where they attended school.”
We were all silent again, pretending to look at the markers. Some of the dead from the earlier attack lay wrapped in blankets or sheets along the road, waiting to be laid to rest. This place may not have been their home before the outbreak, but it had been their home for the last three months, and they had died defending it.
Brian put an arm around my shoulder. “Come on, dude. Let’s go home. We have lots to do tomorrow before we leave and I’m beat.”
The house was cool and dark, but I knew my way around, even if I closed my eyes. Up the stairs, twelve of them, carpeted. To my right, the living room. The chair and a half on my right, sofa, leather table in the center. I felt for the matches, found them where I imagined them, and lit the two candles.
The fireplace was cold, covered in soot from my last fire, which seemed like an eternity ago now. Several books strewn on the floor. My blankets still folded on the sofa, my pillows neatly set on top.
Without conversation, Brian took the second candle, and then he and Tammy retreated to the lower level family room, where Brian had once made his home. I suddenly realized how quiet it was. None of the normal noises, like humming appliances, ticking clocks, or clicks and clanks of mechanical equipment.
Candle in hand, I walked part wa
y down the hall and stopped at the threshold of my children’s room. Mark and Katy had shared a room, although Katy had complained that she was getting too old to have a roommate. The dim light of the candle revealed the two twin beds, both made up with their colorful quilts and bed linens. Atop Katy’s dresser, a slew of My Little Pony figures lined up, like sentinels, guarding her tween secrets from the prying eyes of little brothers.
Mark’s desk, busy with stuff, but neat in spite of the clutter. His tablet lay among his collection of Disney’s Car’s, still plugged into the wall where he’d left it to charge so he could play when he returned home from school. His baseball glove, perched atop one of the bedposts, seemed to waive at me.
Turning away, starting to feel the crush of the weight of those memories, I continued down the hall, to my bedroom. The door stood closed, as I had left it. After my wife died, I could no longer bear to sleep in there. Now I turned the knob and pushed the door open, listening to the sweep of the bottom of the doorframe against the carpet. For a moment, I stood outside, looking in, not entirely sure I could cross the threshold.
On the wall beside me, Alyssa smiled back at me from one of our wedding photos. She looked flawless in her wedding gown. We posed, cheek to cheek, faces turned to the camera. I could still smell her perfume if I thought about it. I closed my eyes, imagining her scent. I opened my eyes, and saw Mark and Katy on an amusement park ride. It was some sort of kiddie coaster. The picture captured them just before the ride dipped. Their arms raised above their heads, smiles stretched ear to ear.
I touched the cool glass, the tips of my fingers outlining their small faces. Without warning, I saw Katy and Mark in their classroom, their small hands clenched together, their flesh torn, dead eyes looking up at me. They were just so young. Just babies. They had not yet lived life; there was so much they had not yet experienced. But they were gone. Resting beneath cold soil outside St. John’s Church.
I entered the room and stopped just inside. The light of the candle revealed the hole in the carpet and the bare wood beneath. It was the spot where my wife lay dying after my brother shot her in the head. An act of mercy before she could become one of the creatures.
Getting down on one knee, I touched the bare wood, irrationally afraid that my fingers would come to rest in a sticky pool of blood. Instead, it was just cold wood. Alyssa’s body was resting outside; buried beneath the rose garden of which she had been so fond. She did not haunt this room, although she still haunted my memories.
Standing, I placed the candle on the dresser to my left and blew out the flame before I could glimpse myself in the ornate mirror that hung above. I went to the right side of the bed, my side, and sat at the edge. Slowly, I lay my head against the cool pillow and pulled my feet up onto the bed. I stared blankly into the darkness of the open bathroom.
Earlier today, Tammy said that we all needed people to survive in this world and I never felt as alone as I did right now. I missed my wife and children so much. I missed Lara, too. At that moment, my heart ached for companionship. I closed my eyes, wanting to escape into sleep, and I did.
But there were nightmares.
* * *
I woke early from my disturbed sleep. My head and neck were sore and I was exhausted, but I could no longer stay in bed. The house was still so quiet and I felt unnerved. I couldn’t shake the deserted feeling. Brian and Tammy were still asleep when I left and headed over to check in on Kat again and to make sure things were off to a good start this morning.
In the tent, I found Ravi stretched out on a sleeping bag, only the top of her head was visible. It was a cold morning, but not the stinging cold we experienced just months ago. Kneeling beside her, I gently touched her shoulder.
She woke immediately, struggling for a moment to get free from the confines of the zippered bag.
“I didn’t mean to startle you,” I said.
“Oh my goodness, I was having such horrible dreams,” Ravi said, finally sloughing out of the blanket. She hugged me fiercely, pulling me down to the cold ground with her.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” I said. When she released me from her hug, I sat crossed legged beside her.
“I was dreaming that something bad happened to you. That you never came back to us.”
“I had the same nightmare about what might have happened to you all here. I imagined so many bad things, but imagine my real surprise when we arrived only to find Providence moved in.”
Ravi laughed. “I’m sure that threw you for a loop. Trust me, when Kat first suggested the arrangement, we thought she was crazy. But it worked out for the best. I’m not sure we would have made it through the winter without them.”
“Where is everyone? I’ve only seen you, Kat and Sam since I’ve been back.”
She was silent for a moment. Ravi did not like to talk about those we lost or those she could not save.
“We lost Paul two months ago. Without dialysis, he suffered end stage renal failure. He was in so much pain but he hung on for as long as he could.”
“He was good man,” I said. “Our lives would have been so much more difficult without his ingenuity.”
Ravi nodded. “Robert and Kara’s baby took ill with pneumonia and whooping cough. I could do nothing without the proper medicine. The baby died after three nights. The following night, Robert took Kara’s life and then his own.”
“Oh my God.”
“That really hit everyone hard,” Ravi said. “Without Reverend Reggie, I don’t know if we would have kept our sanity. He helped us keep our faith.”
“Where are Reggie and the rest of them?”
Silence again, as Ravi gathered herself.
“We lost the others, in one fight or another, one time or another. We lost two more just yesterday when those maniacs attacked us.” She looked away now, perhaps not wanting to see the hurt in my eyes. “Reggie stays in the old CP. He’s in a bad place. Somewhere in helping us keep our faith during the winter, he lost his. I don’t know how to reach him; my religion is science. I wouldn’t know what to say to him.”
I shook my head but had nothing to offer. Sometimes in life we find that in our worst times, we can only help ourselves. Perhaps leaving this place, reuniting with those who were once his flock, would be all the strength he would need.
“What about Albert and his family?” I asked, changing the subject. “Did they make it back here?”
Ravi tilted her head and looked confused. “What do you mean back here? They were with your group.”
I told Ravi about how Chandra was killed and that Brian blamed Sanchez and how they left during the night. “They didn’t leave a note or anything. When I woke, they were gone. We just assumed they would head back here.”
“They may have, but they never made it,” Ravi said. She put her cold hand over mine. Her dark skin was covered with Mehndi drawings from her knuckles to her wrist where they disappeared beneath her sleeves. “Whatever happened is not your fault, that’s on them.”
I said nothing but simply nodded my head. Although it was not my fault, I would still carry the weight of guilt. I was the leader, all the bad was on me.
Before I started down that dark road of pity and self-doubt, I said, “I need to know you’re with me on this, Ravi. Some of these folks, they’re just not going to make it. They’re dying now, they’ll die on the road, they’ll die no matter what we try to do. We can’t take them with us.”
“I know,” she said. “I’m not the same woman I was six months ago. This world has made me hard. I don’t like the woman I have become, but it is who I am and I know what needs to be done. I will live with the consequences as you live with them. I am with you.”
“Thank you,” I said. I stood, then reached out a hand to Ravi and helped her up. “We don’t have much time. I need to you to mark everyone who can move on his or her own with a green tag and those who need transport with yellow tags. The ones that won’t make it mark them with red.”
“I’ll need some assist
ance,” she said.
“Get whoever you need to get it done,” I said and left the tent. The morning sun was bright, much too bright for the frigid snap of the morning cold. I found Phil and Crystal, the woman from the post, standing around a metal trash bin, warming beside the fire that burned within.
“Good morning,” I greeted them as I approached.
“Morning,” Phil said.
“Good morning,” Crystal said. She cupped her hands to her mouth and blew on them, then splayed them out in front of the fire again. “Did you bring us some coffee?”
I smiled and said, “That should be my question. I’m the guest here.”
“Hardly a guest,” Phil said.
“That was some good work out there yesterday,” Crystal said. “I watched you from my tower and I was quite impressed. You certainly know how to handle yourself.”
I shrugged, finding it difficult, as usual, to accept a compliment. “We all could have done better. We lost some folks out there.”
“We would have lost more if you weren’t here,” Crystal said. “Trust me.”
To change the subject, I asked, “How are things coming? Will we be ready to move out in a couple of hours?”
Phil nodded his head, although Crystal responded. “They’ll be ready. We’re already making good time.”
Nodding, I said, “Thank you.” To Phil, I said, “Can you bring Sam to my place in about a half hour? I need to talk to you both before we move out.
“I’ll see you then,” he said. I could feel both of their eyes on me as I walked back up the hill toward my house. For some reason, I felt naked and awkward.
* * *
Brian and I sat across from each other at the dining room table. Although it was cold, the sun was strong and poured in through the open windows. A thin layer of dust filmed all of the furniture in my absence. Using his index finger, my brother was finishing his drawing of a map out on the wood surface.
