Saving Gavin (A Dismantling Evan Companion Novelette)

by Venessa Kimball

  Psychosis is one of those words that just sounds and looks scary, doesn’t it?

  “Psychosis”

  See what I mean?

  She tried explaining it to me but only a little made sense. I mean, how could medicine make you have seizures? If I were to stop that medication, would the seizures stop?

  She said sometimes one medication helps one thing, but causes another problem. If that happened, you needed to take another medicine to make the first medicine not give you the other problem. That one fixes the problem, but you can get an entirely different problem from the new medicine.

  She said this could have happened when I wasn't taking certain medications when money was tight at home with Dad gone.

  It's still hard to talk about it. I just say “gone” now, not the “D” word, even though I know he is.

  Anyway, I think it sucks that a medication can give you seizures.

  She said that I may never get another one or I may have them for life. It really sucked that Andy had them since he was a baby though.

  GF

  February 23

  I am going to have a roommate! Dr. Larson says I can have one. I think it's strange. Why couldn’t I have one before? Maybe because I am friends with Andy, she thinks I can handle a roommate. Dr. Larson tells me we'll talk about it tomorrow during our session.

  Mom, Evan, and Brody visited already today; earlier than usual. Mom was excited for me while Brody wasn’t too thrilled. Was he worried about me or the roommate? I wasn't brave enough to ask him, but Evan did. She told him, “It will be a good thing Brody.”

  He said he was concerned for both me and my roommate. The way he looked at me though, I think he was afraid for the roommate.

  GF

  February 24

  Turns out my room mate is Andy!

  Dr. Larson says I can move my few belongings into our new room today. The room is closer to the nurses' station, which is lame, but it is also close to the recreation center.

  GF

  February 25

  Mom came to visit on her own today. We were playing chess when I asked her where Brody was. She said he couldn’t make it, plus she'd been to the doctor’s office before coming here. Mom never goes to the doctor for anything. She said she's been having a hard time getting over a cough. Her cough did sound bad after she brought my attention to it - phlegmy and thick, while her voice was crackly and strained. I asked her why Brody didn’t take her to the doctor. It didn't seem like him to not want to help Mom. She said she didn’t tell him.

  That made me nervous for some reason. I mean, why wouldn’t she tell him about going to a simple doctor’s visit?

  I asked her that very thing, but she had no explanation. She started talking about Brody and what I thought she should get him for his birthday. I had completely lost track of his birthday so I started telling her about my ideas.

  After she left, I felt worried again.

  GF

  February 26

  Evan came by herself to visit today. It was a surprise because she never came by herself before. Brody or mom were always with her. I secretly hoped she would have brought Lia and I even asked about her. Evan said Lia was working, but planned to visit in a couple of days for Brody’s birthday. I told her I felt bad because I couldn’t go out and get anything for him. Evan seemed sad so I tried to talk about something else. I brought up Andy and how he and I really got along well. She said she wanted to meet him sometime. I really wanted her to, but Andy said he was going to be in a session with his doctor so I knew he wasn’t available. Evan nudged me as we walked down the hallway to the double doors leading to the courtyard. I noticed her camera bag and before we left the building, I asked her to wait a second and ran back to my room to grab my camera too.

  I came back with mine around my neck and the look of concern I'd seen moments before was replaced with Evan’s smile; the one that made me feel safe and happy. We took turns snapping pictures. I asked Evan about Brody - if he was doing alright.

  Her light and airy look quickly shifted to heaviness and concern.

  We stopped walking and I turned to face her while she fiddled with the camera hanging around her neck.

  She wasn’t answering and that scared me.

  She pointed her camera at me and clicked the shutter, capturing me in her lens. When she let the camera fall from her face, I saw her playful smile. I chuckled a little too loudly and nudged her shoulder with my hand. She nudged me back then smiled softly and said Brody was doing fine, he was just preoccupied with work.

  I felt sad for Evan. I knew what it was like to be alone and she looked like that.

  I'd never had a portrait done other than those crappy ones at school, so I told Evan I wanted to see the picture after she developed it. She said she would surprise me with it sometime.

  Evan is an amazing photographer. I’m sure it will have the perfect lighting and near to zero shadow. I hope I can take pictures like her someday. I hope Brody doesn’t make Evan sad or push her away. I've seen him do it with other people. He doesn’t think I notice, but I do. She is one of the good ones and I hope he doesn’t screw it up.

  GF

  February 26

  Brody just left. I was surprised to see him after what Evan said. I told him she'd just left. He got the same look that Evan had when I brought up Brody. I didn’t mean to sound so blunt, but it just came out. I told him that he'd better not be mean to her. I guess it was kind of loud since other people in the courtyard looked at me strangely.

  Brody said there were some things that I couldn't understand. I told him to explain them to me, but he just shook his head and kicked at the pebbles beneath his feet with the tip of his work boots. He said he would someday, which should have satisfied me, but it only irritated me. What irritated me the most was him saying I couldn’t understand, like I was incapable. He'd always done that to me. I counted to ten, twice like Dr. Larson showed me, to calm down. It didn’t work so I did it a third time and that one seemed to settle me enough. Brody leaned against the wall, looking out into the open courtyard. He was thinking deeply, intently. For that moment, he looked like Dad and I had to capture it. The snap of the shutter, drew him from his thoughts and he grinned before shoving off the wall casually and putting his arm around my shoulder. We walked around for a bit, just listening to the songbirds, the crickets and cicadas, like we used to do on the back porch.

  I miss that.

  GF

  February 27

  It was the middle of the night and Andy just had a seizure. He woke me up, growling and thrashing. He'd fallen off of the bed, so I ran to him as I yelled for help and tried to keep him from hurting himself. The doctor and nurses, pulled me away, picked him up, and carried him out in their arms. One of the nurses gave me something that made me dizzy and tired.

  GF

  February 28

  Andy is back in the room. I can’t imagine what it was like for him as a baby to have seizures. Did he growl and thrash like that in his little crib? His mom and dad must have been so scared.

  I tell him mine come from medication; tell him how it works, just like Dr. Larson did. He thinks it's weird that medicine could do that. I tell him I think the growling and thrashing he has is weird too. I ask him if they gave him something to help after they took him away. He says they gave him medicine that made him tired. I tell him they gave me something too.

  GF

  March 1

  It's Brody’s birthday today. Mom, Lia, Evan, and Brody are coming to visit. They're bringing cake. I want Andy to meet everyone, but he says he has a session with his doctor during their visit.

  I made a piece of art in our creative session time yesterday. It wasn’t anything really, just a clay bowl. It had to dry overnight before I could paint it. I carved Brody’s name on the bottom of it together with my initials.

  Dr. Larson and I had a session yesterday. She said something that I didn’t remember about the auditorium. Said that Brody saved me.

&n
bsp; I asked how and she said that he tackled me on the stage of the auditorium.

  I didn’t remember that at all. I couldn’t remember anything after walking up on the stage with the gun in my hand.

  I must have murmured what I was thinking (which was, “You won’t believe me,”) because she answered that she did. Seizures with psychosis could have easily made me “check out”. Yeah, that is what she said. I didn’t get what she meant by checking out so she had to explain that it meant my mind could have blocked the events. I told her that was really messed up.

  She agreed. I asked her if the memories would ever return. She said they might with time.

  Last night after saying good night to Andy, I stayed up and thought about Brody. How he must have felt watching me do the things I did. Things I can’t remember clearly. I thought about how sullen he'd looked a few days ago when I took his picture. Was he thinking of the good times we had at home or was he thinking of the day he had to tackle me to the ground in the auditorium?

  GF

  March 6

  Mom, Brody, Lia, and Evan surprised me. They brought Nikki and Asher. God, I missed them so much. They didn’t get to meet Andy again, but they were okay with it. After we sang Happy Birthday to Brody, Evan told me she was sure that Andy was a good person if he was hanging out with me. Brody asked if we were getting along okay. I told him we were.

  I gave Brody the clay bowl. The painting job turned out fair. I did mess up a little on the lip of the bowl and almost threw it away, but the counselor said it gave it character. I told Brody the story and he agreed. He said he loved it.

  I told him I was sorry. He was confused at first, so I explained why I was saying sorry. I told him he was my hero; he always has been. I thanked him for saving me that day and every day before that. It sounded strange when I said it and I wasn’t sure he was going to understand, until he pulled me into him and hugged me.

  His voice sounded funny when he said, “Any time brother. Any time.” Then he said something I had never heard him say; “I love you Gavin.” I told him I loved him too. The brother kind, not the Lia kind; that would just be weird. I felt the vibration of his chuckle as he continued to hug me; I let him.

  The cake was chocolate fudge with this stuff called Ganache. Funny word - Ganache. It was really good though. Lia baked it. She did a great job and I made sure to tell her. Her smile was so big. When she covered it with her hand, I told her to not hide it, ever. I don’t know what made me say that. Thinking now, it probably seemed bossy, but I didn’t mean it like that. Whatever made me say it, it got her to take her hand away from her mouth and let me see her smile.

  Today was one of those days I didn’t want them to leave.

  Dr. Larson says only three more months. That seems like forever.

  GF

  March 8

  “Ask and you shall receive.” Don’t know who said that, but they were right.

  I might start quoting again. Maybe.

  I'd been begging Dr. Larson at every afternoon appointment to allow me to develop the film and all of the pictures I'd taken with my camera. I had five rolls including the one inside my camera when Evan brought it to me. I guess I didn’t finish that roll. I told her, “What is the damn point of having a camera if I can’t see the pictures? Andy's taking pictures now as well and he wants to see how they look. Don’t you want to see them?” I said damn and I really shouldn’t have. I felt terrible.

  I’m not sure if it was my saying damn or my last question that made her curious. She said she would see what she could do. That afternoon she came to Andy and my lunch table. Dr. Larson told me to give her the film and she would have it developed.

  It was great news. I asked her who would develop them. I mean, I didn’t want some complete stranger developing my pictures. She said she'd spoken with Evan and she had agreed to develop them.

  I can’t wait to see how our pictures turn out.

  GF

  March 10

  Evan brought the pictures today!

  She said some of them didn’t turn out, but the ones that did were exceptional. She said that word - exceptional! She said she saw a growing talent in Andy’s too and asked where he was. He was in with his doctor so I told her I would tell him when I saw him.

  I took them back to my room and started going through them on the floor. When Andy got back, we spread them out and looked at the images. I saw a few that I didn’t remember taking, followed by pictures of Evan in the woods behind the house. They were similar to the picture I took of Evan looking down at her fidgeting hands. She was wearing the same sweater. I guess I switched film rolls when I was taking pictures in the woods that day.

  The photos after that day seemed strange and foreign. An origami crane, a dandelion blown away in the wind, tennis shoes hanging on a power line, Asher’s house, a picture of the shattered window. Did I take them the night before I went to the school? Did I break the window? Evan hadn't mentioned those photos or their strangeness. Seeing them made me anxious since I couldn’t remember taking them.

  I showed them to Dr. Larson. She said that I probably took them during a seizure,.

  I don’t like the feeling of not being in control. I’m happy the medicines they are giving me has stopped the seizures. Will the medicine be enough when I leave Pembroke Center in June?

  I’m not sure.

  Lunch is in ten minutes.

  March 13

  My dad has passed away.

  Not the “D” word. Dr. Larson and I just discussed this. She said I needed to accept certain truths even if they hurt or made me sad or angry at myself or the world. We talked about compromise with my brain. It made sense to compromise, since my brain didn’t work like other brains.

  So, I compromised a truth with myself and settled with one I could accept for my dad. It was still painful but not as much.

  We talked about another truth - Brody being a hero. He really was. Everything he did for Mom, me. He saved my life and my mind that day in the auditorium. He'd protected me since Dad left for Afghanistan. He was a protector of everyone.

  I worry about him. Heroes save others, but what if the hero needs saving? Who will be there to do it? I can’t be there right now. What if he needs saving, just like I did?

  There's a library at Pembroke. I check out a book once a day. YES, I read fast.

  Hamlet has been checked out by me and only me since January. I share a few passages every night with Andy before we go to sleep. I think he likes it as much as me. Never thought I'd find another person that likes Hamlet like I do.

  GF

  March 14

  Lia and Evan came to visit today. I wanted them to meet Andy, but remembered that he was feeling under the weather and I didn’t want to disturb him. Plus, they didn’t ask about him so I didn’t say anything. Lia gave me a hug and I felt a tingling on my arms and legs... and other places. It didn't feel bad. It felt really good actually. I hugged her a little longer because of how it felt and I think that took her by surprise. When we pulled apart, I noticed her cheeks had reddened a little. I hope I didn't make her feel weird.

  Evan brought me the portrait she took of me. She even framed it. My hair was windblown, but I guess it looked okay. I wasn’t smiling, but wasn’t sulking either. I was looking intently at the camera, at Evan. Intently like Brody, actually. The way I looked reminded me of his seriousness. I remembered I'd been asking Evan about Brody at the time she took the picture. Brody held the same expression when I'd taken his picture, leaning against the courtyard wall. I thought, at the time, he resembled our father. I guess there were parts of me I shared with Brody and my dad that I'd never seen before.

  Lia spoke up and said she had Evan make her a copy too. I couldn’t believe she would want a picture of me, but it made me feel really good none the less. Maybe she felt the same about me as I did about her, after all.

  Evan said she made a copy for Mom and Brody as well, which made me think of Mom and how she was doing. She hadn’t come by in
the last few days since Brody’s birthday celebration. Even though she said she was all right, just getting over a cough, I worried.

  When I asked how Mom was, neither Lia or Evan answered right away, but Evan told me Brody had taken her back to the doctor for more tests. I wanted to ask more questions about what the doctor said, but I was afraid. What could I do? Nothing! Just worry and be scared. I was distracted and quiet for the rest of their visit, so they left pretty quickly. I was mad at myself for making them feel uncomfortable. If I could rewind time, I'd go back and tell them I was just scared of what was happening out there with my mom, Brody, Evan... all of them. Time was not returnable, refundable, rewindable. And, time in here felt stale on days like this.

  GF

  March 15

  When I woke this morning Andy was gone. Did he have a seizure in the night without waking me? I didn’t know where they'd taken him. No one would give me answers! They looked at me blankly and told me that I could discuss it with Dr. Larson when I saw her. I didn’t take that for an answer and Hank had to hold me down so they could give me something to sleep, the kind of heavy sleep I didn’t like. The kind that made me feel like I had cotton in my head and made my feet feel heavy like lead.