Awakenings - SF1

by Meagher, Susan X

  Charles Sloan Evans had been an Episcopal priest for nearly 40 years. He and his wife had reared a son and a 2 daughters. The eldest being Jamie's father. Jamie had always known where her father got his sense of humor and his generally easy going nature. But as much as she loved her father, her grandfather was Jamie's ideal of what a man should be. He was kind, warm, empathetic and very funny. Jamie spent many an hour in his study just talking about life. He seemed to understand her in a way that she doubted anyone else ever would. Her grandmother had died before Jamie was born, but her grandfather never seemed lonely. He was very dedicated to his calling and genuinely loved helping people through the trying times of their lives. Jamie knew that her grandfather was a bit disappointed in his only son. Rev. Evans felt that his son had not found his true soul mate and he was dismayed at the lack of time that he spent with his family. He felt that Jim had been lured by the money and power that his wife's family promised. But Jim had produced this most perfect of granddaughters and for that he was eternally grateful.

  After the reading of the gospel, Rev. Evans climbed to the pulpit. His deep, clear voice warmed Jamie's heart. Few things made her happier than hearing her grandfather impart his wisdom on his congregation. His sermon spoke of love, one of his favorite themes. Jamie could not imagine attending a church where the message was sin and retribution. But even though his message was usually happy, her grandfather had a way of making even difficult topics seem uplifting and hopeful.

  He spoke of love being God's greatest gift to man and the most visible sign of His presence among us. Through love for another, humans acknowledged this gift of love from God and expressed it in concrete form. In no other way could we feel His love for us as completely. This manifestation was a gift to be cherished-not taken frivolously. Through the loving pairing of two people God dwells among them.

  Jamie was thoughtful through the rest of the service. Is that how I feel?" she thought. Do my feelings for Jack reflect that peak experience? Is this the height of my expression of God's love?

  As they filed out of the church, hand in hand, Jack turned to Jamie and said, "Wasn't that a great sermon?"

  "Yes," agreed Jamie, "it really gave me something to think about."

  "Your grandfather just expressed exactly how I feel about you Jamie," he said with a beautiful smile on his face. Jamie felt her heart break at the look of love on Jack's face.

  She pasted a similar smile on her own face and said, "I'm very happy that you told me that Jack." She stretched on her tiptoes as she reached up with tears in her eyes and gave him a chaste kiss. He beamed down at her and remarked, "We are two lucky people, Jamie."

  "We are that, Jack," she agreed with a tear in her eyes.

  Jack enthusiastically shook Rev. Evans hand as they exited the church. Jamie gave her grandfather a big hug that was returned with gusto. "You hit another home run, Poppa," she teased.

  "Well, when I have such an attentive audience it inspires me to swing for the fences," he agreed. After a few minutes of banter, the couple excused themselves and made their way to the Club for brunch.

  The Olympic Club was the scene of the majority of Jamie's Sundays since she was a small child. Her parents dutifully took her to church and Sunday school but when she was old enough to drive herself, they began to find excuses for the religious part of the day. But both of her parents loved to while away the afternoon at the Club. Her father played golf while her mother chatted with her friends or sometimes played tennis. They nearly always enjoyed brunch together as a family, though. As they sat at their table overlooking the 18th green Jamie regarded them all with an appraising eye. This is exactly where I will be in 20 years, she thought. Jack and I will be with our children at a table just like this one. We will be eating the same food from the same china. Some of the waiters will still be here. We will be having the same topical conversation with the other members about our golf games and our families and our busy lives. He and I will love each other but we will not share much other than the children. His real love will be his career. Is this what I want? But if not, what do I want?

  She was jolted from her musings by the crisply uniformed waiter saying, "Miss Jamie, what would you like to drink?"

  "Oh, I'm sorry Harold, lemonade would be great, thank you."

  "Jamie, you seem a thousand miles away this morning," said Jack. "Is anything wrong?"

  "No, of course not," she replied lightly. "I'm just thinking about school starting tomorrow. I guess I'm just preoccupied."

  "Do you have your pencils sharpened and a new Star Wars lunchbox?" he teased.

  "I was partial to Malibu Barbie myself," she retorted.

  "I'm sure this will be a great year for you," he reassured her as he squeezed her hand. "And for us," he added with a confident grin.

  Jamie made her way back to the home she shared with her roommates. She plodded along the 101 in her yellow Porsche Boxster fighting the heavy traffic. Why does every living soul have to leave the City for the weekend?" she mused. She hoped that her good friend Mia would be home. She really enjoyed spending time with her old high school buddy. Maybe she will be able to help me out of this funk, Jamie thought. But I guess I need to be sure what it is about, before anyone can help me get out of it. She just felt so---restless. Yes, she was restless...but for what? She truly did not know. She just felt unsettled. She really thought that her engagement to Jack would settle her feelings. She had thought that once this part of her life was secured, she would feel more at peace. In reality, it had made things more uncomfortable. But no matter how much thought she devoted to the problem she did not know how to rectify it. There was nothing wrong with Jack, of that she was sure. Nine tenths of the women in America would give their right arm to be with a man like him, she thought. The problem seemed to be with her. There was just something missing. There was a feeling of peace that she craved but just could not conjure up when they were together. But if she was honest with herself the peaceful feeling was not something that she experienced very often, with Jack or alone. Oh, well, I'm only 20 years old. Maybe I'm supposed to feel unsettled, she thought as she drove on through the night.

  When Jamie announced her decision to attend Berkeley her parents had very reluctantly agreed, with the proviso that she not live on campus. They wanted her in an atmosphere closer to that of a real home and they were helped in this quest by some of Jamie's classmates. Mia Christopher was the daughter of Adam and Anna Lisa Christopher. Adam was a partner at another prestigious law firm in San Francisco and a Stanford classmate of Jamie's father, Jim. The families were cordial to one another but the girls mothers were not particularly close. Anna Lisa was a fiery first generation American whose family hailed from Italy, but Jamie's mother Catherine was from a very old very wealthy W.A.S.P. lineage. The women liked one another well enough but they were far too different to feel really comfortable with one another.

  Another prep school classmate, Cassie Martin also enrolled at Cal. The situation with Cassie was just the opposite from Mia. Jamie's mother and Cassie's mother, Laura were very good friends, but their husbands had never hit it off. Likewise, Jamie liked Cassie well enough but she had never felt particularly close to Cassie, nor had she ever truly trusted her. But their mother's close relationship forced the girls together frequently and Jamie did not feel strongly enough to fight the situation so she went along and made the best of it.

  All 3 sets of parents agreed that if the girls were to attend Cal it would be best if they lived together in a suitable home. So the three mothers got together and swept through Berkeley like a tsunami. They interviewed real estate agents and found an acceptable house within walking distance of campus. It was a large craftsman style bungalow, built in the early 1920's. It had originally contained 3 bedrooms and one bath but through the years additions had enhanced the original layout to create more generous bedrooms and add 1 1/2 baths. All of the bedrooms and two baths were on the 2nd floor. The first floor contained a very large, airy kitchen with a powder ro
om and a door to a small, shaded back yard, a formal dining room, a spacious parlor and a small oak paneled library. The house was truly beautiful with its generous deep front porch, original leaded glass windows and beautifully restored redwood moldings throughout. Jamie loved the house from the moment she saw it, which was lucky since neither she nor her friends were consulted on the decision. Catherine Evans had made the actual purchase of the house since she could make a purchase of that size without even noticing the dent in her bank balance. The others paid a reasonable amount of rent, and all shared utilities.

  The girls' mothers had furnished the home in a very attractive, if not luxurious style. Jamie's mother had purchased all of the kitchen utensils since the other girls had no interest in cooking. Jamie put her hours of observing their family cook, Marta, to good use in cooking for herself and anyone else who was willing to help clean up afterward.

  They got along well all through freshman year. But during that summer both Cassie and Mia obtained steady boyfriends. Mia's new love Jason went to UCLA, but Cassie's boyfriend Chris went to Cal. This changed the dynamic between the women and upset the balance they had created. While they did not really argue, Jamie and Mia began to grow more distant from Cassie and spend less and less time together. Even though Jack was just down the freeway at Stanford the fact that she did not often see him during the week allowed Jamie and Mia to still spend quite a bit of time together. Jamie had always liked Mia, but during this past year they had grown particularly close. Neither of them had a sister and they had begun to share the intimate secrets of their lives, creating a deep bond. Mia liked Jack and constantly teased Jamie about him. Jamie also liked Mia's boyfriend Jason, but she saw very little of him because he was in L.A. and did not often come to the Bay Area for visits.

  As Jamie pulled up to the drive she saw that Mia's car was at home. She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw that Cassie's car was absent. In a way it was silly for them to have 3 cars in Berkeley. They did not drive to school or use the cars much, but they came in handy for driving to the Peninsula for the occasional weekend at home.

  "Hey Mia, are you here?" Jamie asked hopefully.

  "Yeah, I'm upstairs," came the reply.

  "You want anything from the kitchen?" Jamie shouted back up the stairs.

  "Yeah, bring me a diet anything," Mia shouted back.

  After making her brief stop in the kitchen Jamie lugged her overnight bag and two diet Sprites up the wide oak staircase. Mia was lying on her bed, her room a total mess as usual. She was inattentively watching television with a CD playing in the background. She stood in the doorway and watched her friend for a moment, looking at her usually sunny, slightly cherubic face that was now resting in a bored grimace. "Couldn't decide?" Jamie asked, pointing at the TV and the CD player in sequence.

  "I'm bored," Mia moaned, shaking her curly mid-length medium brown hair. "I'm so glad you're home early James," she said as her dark brown eyes twinkled up at her friend. Jamie smiled at the nickname that Mia had bestowed on her during high school. Mia stretched languidly, pulling her 5'4" frame to its full length. Her friend's body resembled her own in both size and weight. Both women were quite thin, almost painfully so at times, but there was a sturdy athleticism lurking within both that had never really been tapped.

  "I'm glad I'm back too, I missed you, buddy."

  "You did? Why?" Mia asked suspiciously. "Did the perfect couple have a fight?"

  "No, of course not. You know we don't fight. I just wanted to spend some time with you and get some girl talk in," Jamie admitted a little shyly.

  "What's up James? You do look a little down," Mia agreed.

  "I don't know, Mia. That's my problem. I just feel restless, like I want something to happen, but I don't know what."

  "Are things any better between the sheets with old Jack?" Mia asked with a devilish grin.

  "Mia, don't tease me," Jamie said with a hint of irritation in her voice. She knew she should not be irritable with Mia, but she was a little unhappy about her sex life and she really didn't like discussing it. She would never have broached the topic with Mia at all, but her friend had been sexually active since 16 and was very open and cavalier about the topic. This generally relaxed Jamie enough so that she could talk about it, something they had been doing more and more of lately.

  "Hey, James, I didn't mean to offend you. Are you okay?" she asked with real concern in her voice.

  "Yeah, I'm sorry Mia. Things aren't any better and I'm getting kind of frustrated," she finally admitted.

  "You know, Jamie, I didn't start really enjoying sex for 3 years after I started. And it's only been since Jason that I really love it."

  "Really?" Jamie asked, rather astounded.

  "Well," she admitted as she tossed her head. "There were parts that I always liked but I didn't really like intercourse until Jason."

  "But that's what is so frustrating, Mia. Before we actually had sex it was great with Jack. We would kiss and touch each other for hours. I felt so close to him. I would go home some nights and just feel like I was on fire. But since we started to, well, you know," she blushed, "it feels so mechanical."

  "James I hate to break this to you but you are experiencing what every woman goes through when you go from teasing a guy to really doing it," she laughed.

  "I don't know what you mean."

  "When a guy can't go all the way he has to spend all of his time doing what he thinks you want. For most women that means kissing and holding each other and touching each other. He keeps doing that until you figure, 'This guy will really know how to make love to me.' You finally give in and then he has all the cards. He finally gets to do what he wants and it's payback time, baby! As little foreplay as possible, check for moisture content and then it's time for the main event!"

  Jamie looked at her with a completely shocked expression on her face.

  "That look on your face says I've hit the penis on the head," Mia teased.

  "But Mia, why would women ever want to make love if that's all it was?" Jamie practically cried in frustration.

  "Well, girlfriend, that's not all it ever is. If you find a guy who really loves to make love, it's all that and then some," she said encouragingly.

  "But Mia, Jack tries soooo hard. It really bothers him if I don't come. He attacks me like a legal brief. He believes if he works harder and smarter it'll be great. I've tried to get him to relax. I have even considered faking an orgasm, but he watches me so closely I know he would know I was faking and that would really hurt him."

  "Have you tried to, ah, lend him a hand, so to speak?" Mia asked with a playful tone.

  "Yes," Jamie said as she blushed again. "But he seems to regard that as a failure on his part. I've tried to tell him that I'm just helping a little, but it's hardly worth it when I see the hurt look on his face."

  "I feel for you, hon," Mia said. "I have engaged in more bad sex acts than I can count, but it must be hard when it's with a man you love."

  "That's what really scares me, Mia. I'm going to spend the rest of my life with Jack. If we don't enjoy sex now, I have no reason to believe it will be better in the future. Honestly Mia, at times I just hope he comes to bed and doesn't want to do it," she said sadly. "I mean, shouldn't we just be tearing each others clothes off this early in our relationship?"

  "Well, I would think so, judging from my limited experience in doing it with guys I love," she agreed. "But don't worry so much, James. You have a great relationship and Jack is a fantastic guy. Maybe he's right and more hard work will help everything to work out," she said hopefully.

  "Yeah, you're probably right," agreed Jamie. "I mean we have only been doing it for 3 months. Maybe we just have to get used to each other a little bit more. Thanks for talking this over with me, Mia. You're the only one I trust enough to talk about this with."

  "You're welcome, sweetie. I hope you know you can tell me anything."

  As Jamie got ready for bed she thought over what Mia had said. Well, I'
ve got the rest of my life to work on this; I guess I don't have to be in that much of a hurry. Mia's right. There is no reason to think this will not all work out in the end. I mean, I do have the rest of my life to make some progress on this.

  As the class settled noisily into their seats, Professor Linda Levy scanned their faces. Not bad, she thought. At least there are 3 men.

  "May I have your attention, please?" 20 mildly expectant faces gazed at her. "Welcome to Psychology 197-The Psychology of the Lesbian Experience. My name is Linda Levy. I'd like to get some housekeeping matters out of the way and then I'll give you an overview of the class. If we have time I would like each of you to introduce yourselves. I should warn you though, that this class is very interactive. If you're looking for a quiet place where you can sleep in the back row for 3 hours a week, you've come to the wrong place!"

  Jamie closely regarded the professor. She was a small woman, about Jamie's height-5'4" or so. She was fit and trim and wore chinos with an attractive print silk blouse in shades of tan and brown. She had a warm smile and lively twinkling eyes. Her wavy chin length hair was parted on the side, and there was a sprinkling of gray in it. Jamie guessed her to be somewhere in her 40's although she had to admit that she was not terribly good at guessing ages.

  Linda walked from row to row and handed out 3x5 cards. "I would like you to give me a little personal information on these cards," she stated. A number of giggles hit some of the women. "It's not necessary to give me that information unless you think it is relevant," she replied with a laugh of her own. "I suppose we should tackle that little issue right away," she said as she perched on the end of the large wooden desk situated at the front of the room.

  "I am now, and I have always been a practicing lesbian," she said with another twinkle in her eyes. "However, lesbianism is not a pre-req for this course. I'm sure that will relieve you guys," she said as she pointed at the 3 men sitting near one another. "This class deals with the psychological issues that may be encountered by a group of people who have in many ways been marginalized by society. We will be undertaking this survey with the eyes of scholars-...not participants. This is not a 'How to be a lesbian' course. You do not need to declare your sexual orientation to the rest of the class. The class usually turns out to be predominantly lesbian, but I not only welcome heterosexuals, I really encourage straight people to take the class. It is the people who are not part of the peer group who can have the biggest impact on changing societal perceptions," she stated with conviction.