Awakenings - SF1

by Meagher, Susan X

  "I feel like I want her like I normally want women. I'm used to having sex, Jamie. A lot of sex!" she said. "I think Tracy is beautiful, and very sweet. She's smart and quick and funny. And if she makes love as good as she kisses, I bet she is tremendous in bed," she intoned solemnly.

  "And those are bad things?" Jamie asked, thoroughly confused.

  "No, those are good things. But I have a hard time imagining that she is the last woman in my life. I don't know if I'm in love with her," she said thoughtfully. "And since I made this pledge to her and to myself, I don't feel right about breaking it."

  "I can't tell you how much I admire your self control, Ryan," she said with conviction. "I know how hard this is for you."

  "I guess you probably do know, given how long you waited to be sexual with Jack," she admitted. "How did you deal with the frustration?" she moaned as she shook her dark head slowly.

  "Well, besides the obvious ways of releasing pressure," she grinned, "I just knew it was the right thing for me. And to be honest, I enjoyed those days a lot more than I enjoyed actually having sex," she admitted.

  Ryan stopped dead in her tracks, mouth gaping open. "You did?" she squeaked out.

  "Yeah, I did," she replied as she looked down at the pavement. "I guess that should have been a clue that things weren't going well in the relationship, huh?"

  "That must have been awful for you, Jamie," she said sincerely. "What do you think changed?"

  "Mia tells me that this is what to expect from a lot of guys," she said with disgust. "She says that they like kissing and touching but that once you will have sex, they focus on that instead of foreplay."

  "Conor always teases me that lesbian sex is all foreplay," Ryan laughed. "Obviously it's not, but I'm not sure if it would bother me that much if it was," she said thoughtfully. "There is nothing on earth that I enjoy more than kissing a woman," she closed her eyes in pleasure and Jamie felt her own close as well. "I guess that having a penis just changes the focus of sex," she ventured.

  "From my limited experience I would tend to agree," Jamie said, her voice straining a bit as they climbed the aptly named Hill St. "With Jack, sex was all about intercourse and orgasm," she said. "I would just be getting into it and he'd be done."

  "Ouch," said Ryan as she visibly grimaced. "You've told me about him not liking oral sex after intercourse but I guess I didn't realize how pervasive the problem was," she admitted. "Were things ever good?"

  "Yes, sometimes we'd be on the same wavelength. But usually I just felt like I had to have an orgasm by the time he did or it wouldn't happen. It made me feel under pressure to finish and that just doesn't work for me."

  "I don't know anyone who can finish if they're under pressure to do so," Ryan agreed. "I know it doesn't seem like it now, but maybe it's best that Jack broke it off," she said. "If you were really in love with him don't you think sex would have been great?" she asked.

  "I always thought so," Jamie replied. "I've just assumed there was just something wrong with me, that I wasn't responsive enough or something."

  "I rather doubt that," Ryan said with a grin. "I bet you'd be a little firecracker with the right person," she said as she slid her arm around her shoulders again.

  And you're the one I want to light my fuse, she silently replied.

  Ryan finally turned to her and asked, "What do you think I should I do about Tracy?"

  Don't ask me that, please! she pleaded. I want you to drop her like a hot rock and kiss me until I pass out! But she stoically quieted her inner conflict and responded thoughtfully, "Tell me how you feel about her."

  "I like her a lot," she replied confidently. "She's got all the attributes that I want in a woman. But there is one thing that really bothers me," she said.

  "What's that?" Jamie inquired.

  "I don't think she likes my family much," she said thoughtfully.

  "How could that be?" Jamie asked in true surprise. "You've got the nicest family on earth!"

  "Obviously, she's always been complimentary, but she has very good manners, so I would expect that. She's from a wealthy family in Los Angeles." After a beat she added, "No offense," with a little grin.

  "None taken," Jamie replied with a smile.

  "She doesn't speak badly about her own family, she just wouldn't do that. But I don't sense any real love there. She doesn't like to visit them and she never mentions talking to them on the phone." She shook her head, "I just can't imagine that."

  "God Ryan, I just cannot imagine not loving your family. I miss them when I haven't seen them for a few days!" she laughed. "Maybe she just hasn't had enough time with them."

  "No, that's not it. I've had her over for dinner at least 6 times. After it became clear that I was trying to get close to her Da encouraged me to have her over more often. She always says she's had a nice time, but she always seems to prefer getting me alone."

  "I can see that would concern you, but maybe she wants to spend her time getting to know you. Maybe she thinks you'll have time later for the extended family," Jamie offered.

  "You may be right," she said slowly. "But I suggested that we take the baby for the day and she was decidedly unenthusiastic."

  "Well, that seems very odd. Caitlin is the most precious thing on earth. But again, maybe she just wants to be alone with you."

  "Maybe," Ryan mused. "But when I talk about my desire to have children she always changes the subject or tries to distract me. The other day I asked her flat out if she wanted children and she just laughed and said she hadn't spent much time thinking about it."

  "Well, she is young," Jamie reminded her. "Lots of women don't make up their minds about that until they're in their 30's."

  "True. And if you both agree that's just fine. But I don't want to wait that long. Having kids is one of the biggest reasons that I want to be in a stable relationship. And I want to have them before I get terribly involved in my career. If Tracy and I are to be a couple she has to be enthusiastic about having kids in the next couple of years. And I sure don't get the idea she's on that same wavelength."

  "I guess you have to be more blunt with her, Ryan. Tell her what your plans are and see if she is willing to share them. She might surprise you," she offered.

  "Well, there is one other thing," Ryan added somberly. "And it's one thing that could be the deal breaker."

  "What's that?" Jamie asked.

  "She doesn't believe in God," she said quietly.

  "Do you mean she's agnostic?" she inquired.

  "Nope. She's a card carrying atheist," she replied. "I don't think I ever considered that I would require a girlfriend to have some spiritual belief, but I think I do." She added thoughtfully, "It wouldn't even bother me if she was agnostic, you know, like she didn't believe in God, but she allowed that there was a possibility of a God. But we've talked about this several times. She believes in nothing. No God, no creator, no karma, no afterlife. She thinks we're here by some cosmic accident and she thinks every bit of our energy dies and is put in a box. She has actually referred to spirituality as a 'fairy tale'."

  They were approaching the crest of the hill that led them back to the Noe Valley and Jamie had to concentrate just to keep her breathing even. But the pause let her collect her thoughts for a moment. "I think I know what you mean, Ryan. My faith is so much a part of my life that I would hate to not be able to share it with someone I loved."

  "Exactly!" Ryan replied. "I mean it's clear that I have issues, big issues with the Catholic Church. I go back and forth between being really connected and really disconnected. I'm in a disconnected period right now, as a matter of fact. But my belief in God as the source of love and goodness and peace is unwavering. I just don't know if I can love someone who doesn't believe in what I trust to be source of love," she said with conviction.

  "I get it, Ryan, I really do. I mean, I love to go to church. It's often the highlight of my week. And I could love someone who didn't go. I could love someone with an entirely different view of t
he world, like a Buddhist or a Hindu. But I would hate to have my lover think I was wasting my time, or doing something foolish."

  "That is precisely the problem with Tracy. It's not just that she doesn't believe, I think she equates my faith with believing in the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus. She seems to think it's kind of a cute little phase that I'll grow out of when I mature. I mean, I like her so much, but if I'm going to be committed to her we have to have a similar moral framework. My faith and my family are so integral to me, it's almost like she can't know me if she can't understand and respect that."

  "It sounds to me like you've already made up your mind, Ryan," she observed.

  "Yeah," she glumly replied as she let out a breath. "I suppose I have. I've just been trying to convince myself that it can work. I mean, it's hard to find everything you want in one person, and she seems so close," she said emphatically as she held her hand up and spread her thumb and index finger just a tiny bit apart.

  "What will you do?"

  "I guess I could tell her I'm not interested in a committed relationship and see if she just wants to play around," she replied with a leer. "Or I could just tell her I'm not ready to go any further, and stop seeing her." She gave a little scowl. "I don't like option number two, but that's probably what I'll do."

  "I think you'll feel better about yourself if you do that, Ryan. Although you could tell her the total truth and see if she's open to changing her opinions," she replied.

  "I think the Spanish Inquisition showed that you can't force faith on someone, Jamie," she teased.

  "I don't mean that, Goofy. I mean, tell her the whole truth and see if she wants to just fool around for a while."

  "I'm not certain what I'll do. But I guess she deserves total honesty for putting up with me for almost 4 months."

  "That is a lot for one poor woman to bear," she laughed in response. "Gosh, we're home already!" she said as she looked up and noticed they had turned onto Noe. "That went fast."

  "Yeah, it did," Ryan agreed. "But time always flies when I'm with you."

  Jamie looked over at her grinning friend's guileless face and gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "You can say that again, Pal."

  Ryan let her smaller friend precede her as they climbed the short flight of stairs up to the front door. When they were nearly at the top she leaned in close and whispered, "Just for the record I've been on both ends of artificial penises. As Martha Stewart would say, 'It's a good thing!' "

  When they went back downstairs, Jamie had to admit that she felt a lot better about her breakup but now she had a whole new topic setting her teeth on edge. Both ends?? What in the hell does she mean by that? she mused, unable to get the images of Ryan and artificial penises out of her mind.

  Ryan walked over to her bookshelf and pulled out a neatly labeled photo album. Idly turning the pages she found the photo she was looking for and called Jamie over. Turning the book and handing it to her she pointed at the photo in the center of the page without comment. Jamie barked out a laugh, slapping her hand over her mouth and staring up at Ryan in shock. There, memorialized for all to see, was the little street urchin that Ryan had described earlier in the evening. "My God!" she finally got out, now able to control her laughter. "Is this really you?"

  Ryan walked around to stand next to her friend. Taking the book in her hands she smiled fondly at the image of her young self and nodded briefly. The photo showed 5 little ragamuffins, all of a similar age. They were posing on Maeve's front steps, and each child tried to appear older and tougher for the camera. The other 4 were boys but they were all dressed nearly identically. Ryan was in the front, standing on the ground in front of the stairs. She was so extraordinarily tall that she was the same height as the two boys standing on the stair behind her. Jamie guessed that she was rail thin but it was very difficult to tell for sure because of her laughingly large clothes.

  She had on a canvas barn jacket, tan in color, with a darker brown corduroy collar. The hood of a dark green sweatshirt peeked out past the collar but the jacket was so huge she could have easily fit another sweatshirt on and still have had room. Stiff looking dark blue jeans covered her long legs, the cuffs rolled up at least 5 inches. The pants were so large it was impossible to see where one leg started and the other stopped...it just looked like a big mass of fabric. She also sported flat, black, thick soled tennis shoes that looked to be about size 8. A black baseball cap rested on her long black hair in its usual backwards position. Her trusty skateboard was resting on its tail, held upright by her long, slender fingers.

  Every child bore a scowl with varying degrees of success. Ryan was probably the least successful of all, her dancing blue eyes and microscopic smile giving her away.

  Jamie stared at the picture for so long that her eyes became dry. "I don't think I've ever seen anything more precious," she finally said, looking up into Ryan's bemused eyes.

  "Precious?" she squawked. "I look like a...I don't even know what I look like!"

  "You look just like a tiny little seed of who you have become," she said with a voice full of wonder. "Look at yourself!" she urged excitedly. "You look so confident and strong! Those boys weren't leading that little group...you were! That's completely obvious," she announced. "And even though you were trying to look tough you still have that terribly gentle spirit, just oozing out of those blue eyes. See it?" she demanded.

  Ryan gazed at the picture and then turned back to her friend. "Are we looking at the same picture? I just look like a little hoodlum!"

  "Not at all!" Jamie cried. "I would have killed to be able to hang out with you for just a day! I bet you guys had more fun in an afternoon than I did in a year! This is what being a kid should be, Ryan," she cried. "Testing your own capabilities; learning to interact with other kids; trying to look outrageous! That's the essence of youth!"

  "I guess I see your point," she said slowly. "Da let me test myself constantly when I was little. I don't think I ever got in trouble for trying something stupid. He only got mad when I did something that could hurt someone else, like taking over those handicapped ramps. He really let me be who I was even though I'm sure he was constantly worried about me. That really was a gift," she reflected somberly. "I hope I can do the same for my kids."

  Jamie wrapped her arm around her friend's sturdy waist. "You'll probably be completely overprotective," she teased.

  "Hmm, maybe," she allowed reflectively. "But I don't think so. I want my kids to experience the freedom that I had. It's what allowed me to dream," she added with a small smile.

  As she closed the book and replaced it on the shelf she turned to her friend and announced, "Now it's time for you to dream, Pal. To bed with 'ya."

  The walk, or the climb, as she referred to it, had really relaxed Jamie and she felt ready to sleep. She went to the bathroom to put on her pajamas and when she returned she was pleasantly surprised to see a grinning Ryan, sitting on the bed, holding the bottle of massage lotion.

  Jamie flung herself onto the bed, pulling her shirt up as she fell.

  "I don't want to force you...." Ryan teased.

  As the strong, cool hands began to work their magic, Jamie closed her eyes and silently wished that one day those hands would know her completely.

  The next few days were not pleasant ones for Jamie. Cassie and Mia were shocked at the breakup and had both insisted on a long recitation of the events leading up to it. Jamie was tired of talking about it, but after the whole story was out, Mia was very supportive. Cassie was less so, but Jamie had a feeling that even she felt a little guilty about the role she played in the scenario.

  She decided to tell her parents in person. On Tuesday afternoon she drove down to the Peninsula, arriving just after her father had returned home. She had never come down on a weekday and when she thought about it, she had never come down unannounced. Her parents were obviously quite surprised to see her and they both seemed a little anxious so she immediately launched in to the reason for her visit. She told them most of th
e story, omitting, of course, the role that Ryan had played. She talked more about the difficulty of being apart during the week, of Jack's intense schedule, and of her own doubts about her commitment.

  To her amazement, her parents were completely sympathetic. It was obvious that her father was saddened by the news since he had grown quite fond of Jack. But she had tried her best to remove any animus towards Jack when she described the reasons for the breakup. They both seemed to agree that even though he was a wonderful young man, Jamie was probably not really ready to make a permanent commitment. Catherine in particular, seemed relieved that Jamie would not be tied down at so young an age.

  As she was leaving, her father walked her to the car. "Was part of this because of your friend, Jamie?" he inquired with a touch of hesitation.

  "Yes, Daddy, it was partly that," she admitted.

  "It seems odd to me that Jack would be so bothered by that, but maybe that was just a sign that he wasn't ready either," he reflected.

  "I am so happy that you and mother are so supportive of me, Daddy. I can't thank you enough," she said sincerely.

  "I love you very much, Jamie. I've always been proud of you and the way you've handled this makes me that much prouder," he said with a smile.

  "I want you to promise me that you won't treat Jack any differently, Daddy. I don't want this to interfere with his job opportunities."

  "I don't mix business with emotions, Honey. Jack will be a good lawyer and we'll be lucky to land him. Don't worry about that," he said as he kissed her cheek.

  On Wednesday morning Jamie sat in a long hallway waiting for Linda Levy's office hours to begin. The professor came strolling down the hall and waved a friendly greeting. "Hi Jamie," she said. "Sorry I couldn't see you earlier in the week. Come on in and tell me what's on your mind."

  "I need a referral for a therapist, and I thought you might be able to refer me to someone good," she related, a bit hesitantly.

  "Sure, I know a lot of therapists in the area. Would you feel comfortable telling me what types of issues you need to deal with?" she asked.