by Mike Spohr
OTHER TODDLERS
Introducing your toddler to other toddlers seems like a fabulous idea in theory. After all, toddlers share a lot in common, like their size, lack of communication skills, and the ability to frustrate yet charm every adult around them. However, before you waste too much time day dreaming about all of adorable things your toddler will do with her little toddler friends, you should know that toddler interactions are a whole lot weirder than they are cute.
The playing rituals of toddlers can be especially weird. Toddlers will often circle each other, refusing to look in the other’s direction or to even acknowledge their existence. You might be tempted to force them to interact, but if you do, it will only make them avoid each other even more. When you see your toddler acting like this you might think, “This is horrible. I’ve given birth to a rude little a-hole!” but the good news is your toddler isn’t being rude, she simply hasn’t reached the stage where she’s able to connect with another child her age. Yes, it looks weird, but it’s normal.
Later, when your toddler is able to play with other toddlers, you’ll probably find yourself longing for the days when she couldn’t. This is because toddlers aren’t exactly known for their stellar sharing skills, and there’s no one in the world they want to share with less than another toddler. That action figure your toddler has barely glanced at all day? It will suddenly become her most prized possession the second her playmate touches it. Toddlers will even fight over a stick like it’s made out of gold and not, in fact, wood that was recently peed on by someone’s dog. When this happens, it’s a good time to step in to teach your child about sharing. (It’s also a good time to invest in earplugs to protect your eardrums against all the high-pitched shrieking that will inevitably ensue.)
As if that weren’t bad enough, some toddlers will become physical when they’re angry or frustrated. This can be especially true of toddlers with older siblings, many of whom have learned out of necessity to throw punches like a boxer. If your toddler gets into a physical altercation, you must be prepared to pick up the pieces (hopefully not literally) and encourage her to use her words instead of her fists. (Or if she doesn’t have any words, her points and grunts.)
With all of that said, you should still welcome play dates because it’s important for your toddler to spend time around and to learn from kids her own age. And let’s be honest, it’s also important for you, the parent, to be around people your age too. Find a toddler who has a parent you like and your play dates will be that much more enjoyable.
Compare battle notes, console each other, and stuff your faces with candy while the toddlers are distracted. You’ve earned it.
RANDOM STRANGERS
Taking a toddler into public is always a dicey proposition, and few moments are dicier than when a stranger (even a kindly one) tries to strike up a conversation with your kid. In most instances this isn’t because you’re worried about what the stranger will do, but because you’re worried about what your incredibly unpredictable, quick-to-tantrum toddler will do.
Don’t immediately answer for your toddler when she’s asked something. This will send the message that she doesn’t have to answer and stop her from becoming comfortable talking to others.
Whenever possible, you should avoid getting into these encounters. One way to do this is by scanning your surroundings for those who are most likely to want to chat up your toddler: sweet-looking old people and overly cheerful young adults. While scanning, it’s important to remember that not all old people are potential conversation starters. If you see, for example, a cantankerous old man or an old woman who liberally swings her cane at people in her way, you should feel at ease. Similarly, not all young adults should make you sweat. You can feel confident that those who are dressed like hipsters will act like your toddler doesn’t exist. In both instances, it is the happy ones you must be wary of. Do you see old people who look like they might play Mr. and Mrs. Claus at the mall in the winter? Or smiling young adults who look like they’ve never had their hearts broken? If so, those are the ones you need to hurry past like nature is calling.
The good news is that if an interaction with a stranger becomes unavoidable your toddler will get a chance to become more comfortable talking to non-family members. Just be warned: it may be painfully awkward. Because of this, you should be very conservative in your expectations of your toddler. Do not expect her to answer a lot of questions or to give elaborate, funny, or charming answers (regardless of how verbose, funny, or charming she is at home). Instead, focus on getting her to be comfortable saying “Hi,” “Thank you,” and her name. And don’t sweat it if your toddler acts shy and hides behind your leg. Pushing her to do more than she’s comfortable with will only make her future encounters with Mr. and Mrs. Claus types more difficult.
On the flip side, it’s also possible that your toddler will act incredibly familiar with strangers and totally overstep her bounds. She could hug the stranger, eat the stranger’s food, even pull the stranger’s hair! If this happens you will, of course, need to teach your toddler what is and isn’t appropriate—and fast.
TEN EXCUSES TO USE WHEN YOUR TODDLER WON’T RESPOND TO A STRANGER
It’s awkward when someone says, “Hi, Cutie!” “What’s your name?” or “How old are you?” and your toddler only stares back blankly. Thankfully, these handy excuses can break the silence:
“Sorry, she only speaks Bulgarian.”
“It’s not you. She sees dead people and there’s a ghost standing over your shoulder.”
“She actually did say hello back, but telepathically.”
“It’s a tough time right now. She just found out her favorite show was taken off Netflix.”
“She’s holding her tongue because she has bad breath and doesn’t want to offend you.”
“She’s practicing for a movie role. She was just cast in the next Matt Damon flick as ‘Shy Toddler Number Two.’”
“She’s just lost in thought. I just asked her why Daniel Tiger and his dad don’t wear pants but everyone else they know does.”
“I think she’s scared because you’re a dead ringer for the villain in her favorite TV show!”
“It’s my bad. I just gave her the ‘don’t talk to strangers talk’ and did a freaking amazing job.”
“She has to pee.”
YOUNGER SIBLINGS
Adding to your family when you have a toddler, to paraphrase Jim Gaffigan, is kind of like being handed a baby when you’re already drowning. To be fair, Gaffigan was talking about what it’s like to have a fourth child when he used that analogy, but make no bones about it—parenting a toddler and a baby at the same time will regularly approach four-kid levels of stress.
We realize, of course, that avoiding this situation may not be possible for many of you, so we’ve decided to go ahead and discuss the strategies that can make it a little more endurable. Keep in mind, though, that no strategy beats waiting to add to your family until after your toddler grows out of the phase where she’s acting like a thirty-pound version of Gary Busey in a bad mood.
Before your baby arrives, your toddler will likely be excited about the prospect of having a younger sibling. If you’re lucky, her excitement will last for days or even weeks after the baby has come home. It’s even possible that she will be among the very small percentage of toddlers whose excitement lasts months! (Those good-tempered toddlers are currently being studied by toddlerologists who believe they may hold the key to finding a cure for the modern toddler.) In the end, though, just about all toddlers will grow weary of sharing the spotlight with their family’s latest star, which spells bad news for you.
Reading a book like You’re Getting a Baby Brother/Sister! to your toddler before the baby arrives is important, but it’s just as important to reread it once the baby arrives to help her understand what she is going through.
Jealousy, more than anything else, is what will cause your toddler to act up. She’ll have gone from being the headliner to the opening act
, and she won’t like it. What she really won’t like, though, is all of the time the baby will take from her. This means that in order to get your attention she will misbehave by throwing tantrums, breaking things, and throwing food. Toddlers, you see, definitely believe in the old adage, “There’s no such thing as bad press.” Most infuriatingly, she will decide she desperately needs your attention the second you start doing something for the baby. Breastfeeding? That’s when your toddler will need you to get her a toy out of the closet she hasn’t thought about for months. Changing a diaper? That’s when your toddler will absolutely need you to watch her reenact a scene from Wreck-It Ralph.
You may also notice your toddler regressing after the baby has come home. While getting to watch a real-life version of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button might be sort of interesting for a few minutes, you will quickly grow tired of seeing your formerly upright toddler crawl around on the floor and babble like a baby.
The fun doesn’t stop there, though! Once your baby is old enough to grab your toddler’s toys, there will be war. Soon your kids will each be screaming so loudly that you’ll wonder if they’re having a competition to see who can break glass first.
So, what can you do to cope (besides breaking down while eating raw cookie dough at two in the morning)? First, you can make your toddler feel more involved in things by finding ways to let her help care for the baby. You can ask for her advice (“Do you think we should change his diaper since it smells like the New York subway in the summer? You do? Me too.”) or give her a task, like bringing over the boppy during feedings. Another way to help your toddler bond with the baby is by making her believe she alone has a special power to make the baby stop crying. Invite her over when the baby starts crying, then, when the baby calms down, tell her it was because of her. This will help her connect with the baby even if in reality she does far more to make the baby cry than to calm her.
Making an effort to spend some one-on-one time with your toddler each day is a good idea too. Even just fifteen minutes of play will go a long way toward making her feel more secure (and less likely to throw a tantrum that’ll have your neighbors calling in a noise complaint).
OLDER SIBLINGS
Here’s the good news: If you were forced to play a real-life version of the game “Would You Rather?” and your options were A) have a toddler and an older kid, or B) have a toddler and a baby, you can and should pick “A” every time. Older kids can be incredibly helpful in raising a toddler, but (full disclosure) they can also turbo charge a toddler’s bad behavior like no one else. In fact, if you’re not careful, option “A” can cause you to cry-eat cookie dough at 2:00 a.m. every bit as much as option “B.”
One of the greatest benefits of having older kids is that they will make your toddler fight tooth and nail for almost everything: snacks, toys, TV shows, even your attention. This will make her scrappy and resilient, and by the time she gets to preschool she’ll be ready to run the place.
Your toddler will also learn how to socialize with other kids on the rare occasion that your older kids get bored enough to play with her. These play sessions will be a boon for you, too, because you will actually be able to sit down and relax for a moment.
Another great thing about having older kids is that they will likely be within those prime tattle-telling years of five to twelve. So, whether it’s “Mom! She’s drinking your mommy juice!” or “Dad! She’s trying to cut the dog’s hair,” you will have advance warning and be able to stop your toddler from getting too deep into trouble most of the time.
After reading all of that, you’re probably thinking life sounds grand. But in addition to the good stuff, your older kids will also be the cause of a lot of unwanted toddler-related drama.
RECORDED TODDLER DYSFUNCTION THROUGHOUT HISTORY
On August 19, 2003, ninety-three-year-old Aubrey (née Vanderbilt) Pennington passed away surrounded by her children, Chet, Todd, and Brittany. That night, Chet and Brittany found the following note among her personal documents:
“Dear Chet, Todd, and Brittany,
If you are reading this it means I have passed away, and so the time has come to reveal my most closely held secret: I was not, in fact, born with the name Aubrey Vanderbilt. I was born Shoshana Moskovitz to Ukrainian immigrants in Brooklyn, and through them—in August of 1931—I was able to take a position as sitter to a toddler named Milli. Upon beginning my first day I was shocked to learn that Milli’s father was none other than Benjamin “Bugsy” Siegel! Mr. Siegel gave me one order and one order only—to keep Milli quiet as he met with his associates. I thought this would be easy, but to my horror Milli was a nightmare. If I couldn’t find her blanket, she would scream. If I didn’t know the words to the song she requested, she would wail. And if I refused to give her candy, she would shriek! Sweat poured off my forehead as Mr. Siegel barreled into the room and sternly warned me that if I knew what was good for me I would shut Milli up. When he left, his cook sheepishly told me I was Milli’s seventh babysitter. When I asked what happened to sitters one through six, he said they wore cement shoes at the bottom of the Hudson. I immediately dumped the tantruming toddler into the cook’s arms and fled not just Mr. Siegel’s home, but the city and state, and then changed my identity. Every day henceforth I lived in fear of being ‘done in’—all because of one terribly behaved toddler.”
Most annoyingly, your toddler will imitate everything your older kid does. So, if your older kid flips out and throws a fit, you can bet your toddler will too. And if your older kid uses a bad word, your toddler will start saying it almost immediately. This will greatly amuse your older kid or kids, who will then teach your toddler every bad word and inappropriate song they know. You can always tell which toddler at the park has older siblings—she’s the one teaching the others a new “F-word.”
Your older kids will teach your toddler other ways to misbehave too. Do your older kids know how to sneak candy out of the candy drawer? If so, you can bet your toddler will learn soon enough. For a toddler, having an older sibling is like having a personal Mr. Miyagi, but for mischief instead of karate.
If all of that weren’t bad enough, there will also be lots of screaming, yelling, and crying. When your toddler breaks one of your older kid’s things (which will happen regularly) your older kid will have a meltdown in spectacular fashion. This, of course, will cause your toddler to melt down too. At other times your older kid will be the one causing the tears, especially when she decides to lock your toddler out of her room. To survive these moments you will need to have a calming mantra, such as “Keep it together, keep it together.”
Thankfully, older kids can be reasoned with, or failing that, threatened effectively. The more you can inspire your older kid to be a good role model, either through positive reinforcement or by threatening to toss their Xbox into the ocean, the more (relatively) peaceful your home will be.
FUR SIBLINGS
Dogs and cats may not be people, technically speaking, but if you have one in the home you almost definitely think of yours as family. In fact, you may even refer to your pet as your “fur baby” (and not just after you’ve had a few too many cocktails). If you do have a dog or cat, your toddler will be interacting with her “fur sibling” on a daily basis, and like her dealings with her actual siblings, things are going to be bad before they get better.
In the early days of toddlerhood, your kid probably won’t pay too much attention to your pet, but one day that will suddenly change in a major way. Your formerly inattentive toddler will dole out atomic hugs (that will feel like MMA chokeholds to your pet), pull on tails, wipe pancake syrup into fur, offer up less than pet-friendly fruit snacks to be eaten, and dress your pet like a Disney princess. If you have a small pet, your toddler will awkwardly carry your pet around until she drops your furry friend (or your pet leaps to safety like a Depression-era hobo jumping off a train). If you have a large pet, your toddler will use your pet for a seat or try to ride your pet like a horse. Your pet (who was ac
customed to dozing lazily near your toddler) will now constantly be on edge and nap as far away from her as possible. If the sound of approaching toddler feet is heard, your pet will frantically seek higher ground (a.k.a. the couch). Basically, if your pet and your toddler were in a relationship, your pet would say, “I need some space,” and your toddler would respond, “But I love you!”
Always model proper pet care in front of your toddler. How you treat your pet will play a large role in how your toddler treats your pet.
If this sounds like a nightmare for you and your pet, that’s because it is. The good news is there are things you can do to transition your toddler from a pet’s worst nightmare into a slightly annoying but tolerable housemate. First, teach your toddler early on how to gently touch your pet, and say “Nice pet!” or “Gentle!” whenever she starts to get a little too rough. If your toddler does something to hurt your pet, make a show of comforting your pet in front of her, and calmly but firmly do your best to ensure that your toddler understands her actions hurt your pet. You should also take care not to leave your toddler and pet alone together until your toddler better understands how to interact with an animal. Even the most tolerant pet, when pushed too far, can scratch or nip.
Last, you must think twice before leaving your toddler within close proximity of your pet’s food and water bowls. To your toddler’s eyes, the water bowl isn’t a water bowl, but a new toy! And your pet’s food bowl, well, let’s just say things only go downhill from there. So, do the safe thing and put your pet’s food out of reach when you’re out of the room.
