by Mike Spohr
CHAPTER 6
VENTURING INTO PUBLIC
During a state of emergency you’re often advised to return to your home and take shelter there until further notice. Since having a toddler is more than a little like a state of emergency, staying at home until further notice (or until your kid is no longer a toddler) is a pretty good idea. However, there are times when you will need to venture into public with your toddler. This isn’t for the faint of heart.
There will be tantrums. There will be potty accidents. There will be things that get broken. And then there will be all of the things that happen after you reach your destination. Ready for the really bad news? Every place you go—from the mall to the beach to the doctor’s office—will come with its own set of problems you will have to deftly navigate to keep your toddler from ruining your day (and possibly week, month, and year). Ready to step outside? Let’s go!
RESTAURANTS
Look, we get it. You want to eat out. You’ve been cooped up in your home listening to the Elmo song on repeat and subsisting on your toddler’s leftover mac and cheese, and you need a break. But eating out with a toddler isn’t anything like eating out without one. If you’re hoping to relax, enjoy good conversation, and savor delicious food, you’re going to be disappointed.
If, however, you’re hoping to leave the restaurant even more stressed out than you were before you went in, then eating out with a toddler is definitely for you! The first thing you will have to deal with are all of the eyes. The eyes will belong to the other customers (and much of the wait staff) and they will silently warn you and your toddler not to ruin their night as you make the long, uncomfortable walk past them to your table.
Once you arrive at your table, you will need to immediately make it toddler friendly. If there are jam packets, for example, you will have to quickly hide them from your toddler. If you don’t, and he spots them, you will find yourself in another kind of jam! You will also need to move any glasses of water out of his reach as well as any utensils (so he doesn’t stab you with a fork or butter knife when he spots you hiding the jam).
Now under normal circumstances you might like to sit and unwind for a moment, leisurely perusing the menu. You absolutely cannot do this with a toddler. Instead, you must order immediately because a toddler at a restaurant is a ticking time bomb. It’s not a matter of if he’ll go off, but when. Many a regretful parent has staggered out of a restaurant mumbling, “The appetizer. We never should have ordered the appetizer!”
Always bring cash so that if your toddler totally loses it you can drop a few bills onto the table and leave in a hurry.
You can also improve your chances of experiencing a moderately satisfying meal out by bringing toys, games, coloring books, and other diversions for your toddler. The more you engage your toddler, the less likely he will be to get out of hand. You should plan for your dinner conversation to be as much about Lightning McQueen and Cars as anything you and your partner actually want to discuss.
If you’re thinking, “Pfft. I got this,” you should know there are many other stressful things you will have to deal with—far more than we can go into here. For example, you may have to physically restrain your toddler for the entire meal because he’s desperate to explore the restaurant. Or maybe he’ll just want to explore under the table where he’ll find and eat someone’s two-day-old chicken finger. Will it make him seriously sick? Probably not. But you’ll be up that night worrying about it anyway.
With all of this stress, it’s easy to get into an argument with your partner, especially over who has to take your unruly toddler to walk around the parking lot and who gets to stay and enjoy their meal in glorious peace. Working out a fair trade (“I’ll take this tantrum, you get the next!”) is the best way to go, and this is far preferable to having a screaming match on the drive home.
In the end, while it is possible to enjoy eating out with your toddler under the right circumstances, it’s also important to remember there’s always takeout.
PARKS
If you absolutely must venture into public with your toddler, you could do a lot worse than the park. After all, it costs nothing to visit and will almost definitely tire out your toddler. He might even nap when you get back home, giving you the rare opportunity to use the bathroom in private or to finally watch that show everyone keeps talking about. Sounds good, right? Well, before you decide to make the park your home away from home, you should know that visiting one with a toddler is often not quite a “day at the park.”
Parks tend to be wide-open spaces, which are great for dogs and soccer games, but not so great for your toddler. Why? Because at a park just about anything will make a toddler take off running. A butterfly? Sure! An ice cream truck? You betcha! An imaginary friend? Probably! Because of this, you must be poised to run and grab your toddler—who will suddenly move like a thirty-pound Usain Bolt—at all times.
When your toddler isn’t darting off, he will probably be trying to climb the park’s most dangerous jungle gym or slide. Basically, the more dangerous and inappropriate something is for your toddler, the more he will want to play on it. If you can, try to re-direct his attention to the swing. The swing may be monotonous to push, but it will contain your toddler and allow you to stare blankly into the distance without having to worry about what mischief he might be getting into. Sandboxes are also toddler-appropriate. If you bring sand toys like scoops, buckets, and dump trucks, your toddler will be more likely to stay put and play.
More than anything, though, you need to be wary of other people. Older kids, for example, will tear around the park with absolutely no regard for your toddler’s safety. This will put him at risk of becoming the victim of a run-by knock-down. If your toddler blocks entry to a slide, he will be pushed aside, or worse—“nudged” down whether he’s ready or not. You must also be sure he doesn’t stray too close to the swings without you. If he does, your toddler might end up with a first grader’s foot imprinted on his back.
The kids may be difficult, but their parents will be even worse. They will judge you if your toddler is too rough with the other kids, but also if he’s a pushover. They will judge you if the snacks you feed him are unhealthy, but also if they’re too healthy. And they’ll judge you if you’re on your phone too much, but also if you helicopter over your toddler. In short, you will feel like you are in high school again, and on most days you won’t be able to wait for the bell to ring.
When you leave the park, make sure to blast your kid’s favorite music on the way home so he doesn’t fall asleep. The last thing you want is for him to sleep in the car and dash any chance of his napping at home. After all you endured at the park, your kid is going to nap at home (while you enjoy a well-deserved break) or nowhere at all.
THE BEACH
When you think about taking your toddler to the beach, do you imagine that classic Coppertone baby ad? Do you picture a strikingly blue ocean, palm trees swaying in the breeze, and your toddler reacting adorably when something surprising happens (like having his swim bottoms pulled down by a puppy)? If so, stop right now. That was an ad, and like most ads it was lying to you. The reality of taking a toddler to the beach is very different, and if a dog pulls down your toddler’s swim shorts he won’t react with good-natured bemusement, he’ll shriek and need twenty minutes of consoling.
The first drama you’ll have to deal with will be packing all of the stuff you’ll need… which is a lot. Veteran parents may advise, “Be sure you don’t overpack!” but if you notice they always follow that up with, “Of course, you’ll need to bring a large beach bag, bug spray, hand sanitizer, a toddler-sized beach chair, a waffle iron, two snow globes…” The best plan is neither here nor there. You don’t want to pack so much that you feel like you’ve turned into a one-person moving company, but you really don’t want to get stuck out there without something that could keep your toddler from losing it. Sand toys, a cooler for snacks and drinks, and an umbrella are a few things you should consider as essential
s.
If your toddler is newly potty trained, be sure to go to a beach that has a public bathroom and set up camp near it.
WHAT YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR WHEN OUT AND ABOUT
1. “WHERE’S MY BLANKET?”
…as you’re pushing the stroller out of Disneyland after eight hours at the park.
2. “WHY IS THAT MAN SO OLD?”
…after the man complimented you on your beautiful child.
3. “I WANT TO GO!”
…as you sit in your seats for the Sesame Street Live! show you dropped eighty bucks on.
4. “LOOK WHAT I GOT!”
…when you get back to the car and realize your toddler shoplifted a candy bar at the checkout.
5. “I’M HUNGRY!”
…after you threw away the food court quesadilla he sat in front of for thirty minutes without touching.
6. “YOU’RE MAKING STINKY POOPOO!”
…when you’re in a stall in a crowded bathroom.
7. “OWWWW! YOU HURTING ME!”
…when you’re trying to lead your kid out of a play area, trying not look like an early nominee for “Worst Parent of the Year.”
8. “PICK ME UP!”
…when you’re carrying three bags of groceries.
9. “UH-OH. BROKE IT.”
…after you reluctantly let him use your phone.
10. “MY PANTS ARE WET!”
…anytime.
Next, after schlepping all of your gear onto the sand, you will have to deal with the Battle of the Sunscreen. Toddlers hate being slathered in the stuff and will do just about anything to stop you from applying it, but since their sensitive skin means they’ll burn faster than Conan O’Brien covered in tanning oil, you’ll need to apply it thoroughly despite your toddler’s squirming, flying elbows, and pleas of “ALL DONE!”
After that, you’ll finally be able to relax, right? Not so fast. You will need to be hyperaware of how your toddler responds to the ocean because he might run straight into it without any sense of self-preservation (meaning you will need to be hot on his tail). Most toddlers, however, are terrified of the ocean and don’t want to go anywhere near it. If your toddler is one of them, be cool with it. There’s really no upside to forcing him to “enjoy” the water, and having him play in the sand next to your blanket will seriously lower your stress levels.
At this point you will be able to relax (yay!) at least until your toddler starts complaining. If your toddler complains about being too hot, let him hang in the shade (thank you, umbrella), and if he complains about being too cold, put a sweatshirt on him (oh, yeah, you’ll need to bring that too). There will also be lots of complaining about the sand. Your toddler may love playing in it, but he won’t love getting it in his mouth, ears, eyes, and swimsuit. Thankfully, baby powder works wonders for getting sand off, so you’ll definitely want to pack a travel-sized bottle.
The greatest antidote for complaining is food (and drinks, too, since the sun can be dehydrating). The odd thing is that toddlers are almost transcendently bad at eating at the beach. The average toddler will drop anywhere from one to five of his snacks onto the sand. To avoid suffering through a scene straight out of The Birds, have your toddler eat over a clean towel instead. You can even try putting your toddler’s hands in disposable plastic bags or gloves when he’s eating to limit the chances of him getting sand on his food.
When you’re ready to pack up and go home, it’s a good idea to have towels and a change of clothes waiting in the car so your toddler can freshen up. This will save you from having to listen to your toddler whine, “FEEL DOY-TOY! FEEL WET! WAH!” all the way home from your “relaxing” day at the beach.
MOVIE THEATERS
A few months into your kid’s toddlerhood, an animated movie will come out about, say, an anthropomorphized ceiling fan, and you’ll think, “How fun! I need to take the kid to see that!”
First, some things to consider. Movies are screened in the dark; toddlers tend to be afraid of the dark. Moviegoers need to sit still; toddlers act like every chair they sit on is on fire. Moviegoers are expected to be quiet; toddlers are, well… ! But you’re brave, right? You’re doing this! So, let’s plan for success.
To start, you’ll definitely want to plan to get into your seats as close to the start of the movie as possible. This is generally ten to fifteen minutes after the time printed on your ticket because of all the previews. I know, I know. You like to watch the previews. But you will only have so much time before your toddler loses interest (or flat-out loses it), so it’s best to keep your trip to the movie theater as brief as possible.
Many theaters offer “Mommy and Me” screenings where the house lights are left on during the screening and it’s perfectly acceptable for your toddler to make a little noise. These are ideal for a toddler’s first movie experience.
Once you arrive you will need to understand that, to your toddler’s eyes, the movie theater is a never-before seen, incredibly cool-looking wonderland. His first instinct will be to explore it, not sit on his butt. He will want to crawl under the theater’s seats, run up and down the aisles, even stand in front of the audience and shake his booty. Alternatively, he might whine to return to the lobby, in order to check it out some more (especially if he saw it had video games). Unless you want to spend the entire second act of the talking ceiling fan movie trailing after your toddler in the lobby, you should avoid drawing your toddler’s attention to the cool stuff on your way in.
From here, keeping your toddler in his seat will be key, and the best way to do this is by plying him with treats, either purchased at a king’s ransom at the concession stand or by smuggling them inside in your biggest purse. Popcorn and healthy snacks are good because they aren’t packed with sugar (and won’t give your toddler a sugar rush thirty minutes before the end of the movie), but candy will work in a pinch.
Picking a screening time when your kid will be the least hyper (for instance, a little before he regularly naps) is smart. You can also help matters by bringing a small, quiet toy for your kid to hold.
Most importantly, keep your expectations low. Remind yourself going in that this will be the first of many movie experiences you’ll have with your kid, and if this one doesn’t work out, there will be better ones ahead. If things go south fast, you can always carry your screaming toddler back to the ticket booth for a refund. They should be able to take one look at the situation and gladly give you one.
THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE
The only thing worse than going to the doctor for yourself is having to take your toddler for a checkup. In fact, a recent poll found that nearly nine out of ten parents would rather suffer through a physical than take their toddler to the doctor. Unfortunately, there’s no getting around these visits, but if you play your cards right you can survive with a portion of your sanity intact.
The first drama you’ll have to deal with will involve the toys in the waiting room, which will most definitely be germ-infested. Your toddler will want to play with them, so you’ll be forced to make one of those not-fun-at-all parenting choices: let him play with the toys and expose him to a who’s who of cold and flu viruses (but keep him calm and happy), or forbid him from touching them, thereby avoiding the germs but almost definitely guaranteeing a meltdown long before you see the doctor. This is a great reason to include wipes and hand sanitizer in your supply bag (and don’t forget to remind your kid to avoid touching his face while he plays). Another potential solution is to bring small toys from home to keep him busy with instead of the radioactive ones.
When the nurse finally calls you back there’s a very strong chance your toddler will freak out, especially if he’s been there before. This is because your toddler’s selective memory will be on glorious display at the doctor’s office. That shot, blood draw, or uncomfortable exam he received at his last visit? He’ll remember it like it happened five minutes ago. But the toy or lollipop he received at the end of that visit? That’s long forgotten. To soothe your to
ddler’s nerves, it’s a good idea to be ready to whip out prized toys or other distractions when you hear the words, “The doctor is ready to see you now.”
The exam room also comes with its own host of problems. There’s no shortage of cabinets and drawers for your toddler to get into, the scale and the blood pressure cuffs will fascinate him, and if he sees the tongue depressors you’ll have to hear him whine for a popsicle. On the plus side, if there’s one item that mesmerizes every toddler, it’s the exam table paper. Toddlers love the way it sounds, the way it crinkles, and the way it rips. Ask the nurse if it’s okay for your toddler to draw on the paper with crayons—this will keep him too distracted to be destructive.
The best time to schedule appointments is right after meals so your toddler isn’t hungry and cranky.
Lastly, toddlers often suffer from White Coat Syndrome—when they see the pediatrician, they immediately lose it and clam up. Watching your normally boisterous and talkative toddler sit there in silence can be incredibly frustrating, and force you to weakly claim, “He talks so much at home, I swear!” If there’s something your toddler is doing that you specifically want the doc to see, film it at home on your cell phone as opposed to expecting him to do it on command at the doctor’s office.
RECORDED TODDLER DYSFUNCTION THROUGHOUT HISTORY
In 2000, Gladiator, a historical drama set in 180 AD about the gladiatorial battles of Rome, won Best Picture at the Academy Awards and grossed nearly $500 million worldwide. The original draft of the screenplay, however, featured many scenes that failed to make it into the final film. One of these scenes—a dramatization of a passage the film’s historian found in a little-known history book written in 187 AD—is reproduced below:
