by Mike Spohr
EXT. COLOSSEUM ARENA - DAY
Maximus stands at the end of the tunnel leading into the arena, waiting his turn to fight, as two gladiators—the hulking HERMINIOUS and overmatched RUFUS—battle.
HERMINIOUS
Hades awaits, but not for me!
Herminious swings his sword, sending Rufus stumbling backward, and the CROWD rises, YELLING. Encouraged, Herminious attacks Rufus again and again until the smaller man falls to one knee. Herminious raises his sword, ready to deliver the death blow, when the SHRILL CRY of a child rises above the din. Herminious looks into THE CROWD… where a stressed-out mother and father struggle to quiet a toddler who is having a full-blown tantrum. The other spectators glare at them, annoyed.
IN THE ARENA
…Herminious lowers his sword and scowls.
HERMINIOUS
A toddler? Here? Who would bring a toddler to
something like this? That’s just terrible parenting!
Rufus, taking advantage of the distraction, leaps up and sinks his sword into Herminious. Herminious staggers, then uses his last bit of strength to turn back toward the crowd.
HERMINIOUS
Take that toddler home! You should be ashamed of yourselves!
Herminious collapses, dead, and the crowd’s response is DEAFENING… but not so deafening that it drowns out the cries of the toddler.
THE DENTIST’S OFFICE
Compared to the hair-pulling stress of a trip to the doctor’s office, a trip to the pediatric dentist’s office is relatively easy. Of course, since we’re talking about toddlers, the emphasis here is on relatively.
Picking the right dentist is the single most important thing you can do to make sure things go smoothly. Making the right decision, though, has very little to do with whether the dentist is any good. This is because any dentist you take your toddler to will (presumably) be licensed—and besides, at this stage they do little more than count your toddler’s teeth and provide a light cleaning. No, what you will need to be on the lookout for is a fun, kid-friendly dentist. Does the office seem more like a play place than a medical office? If so, you’ve probably made the right choice. On the other hand, if the place is cold and sterile and the dentist looks like he should have retired a quarter-century ago, you probably should keep looking.
Your toddler will still be a little wary of the dentist even if the exam chair looks like it would be at home in a Toys “R” Us aisle. Toddlers are like animals, and they can smell the fear coming off of the older, more experienced kids in the office. And, despite their best efforts, dentists and hygienists can still look scary behind their masks. Luckily, dentists are used to causing yelps of fear. She may even take the opportunity to count your kid’s teeth while his mouth is in a wide-open scream.
You will also need to prepare yourself for the stress of having to be your toddler’s straightjacket during teeth cleanings. Toddlers, knowing your weakness, will often yell out, “No, mommy, no!” Or even, “Save me, daddy!” This would rattle even Captain Georg von Trapp, so to unwind the stress afterward, and to get back into the good graces of your toddler, take him out for ice cream. Just be sure to make yours a double—you’ll need it.
PLAY AREAS
Visiting a play area (or “germ factory” as you will soon come to know them) is a little like betting all of your money on red at a roulette table. If you’re lucky and the ball lands on red, you will win twenty minutes to sit on a bench and a toddler who might actually nap later! But if the ball bounces around another second and lands on black, your toddler will come down with a cold a day or two later, and that’s a fate much worse than losing your shirt in Vegas.
If it were up to your toddler, though, he would risk it every time because he won’t see the all-toddler cast of Contagion milling about—all he’ll see are the slides, plastic animals, and that sweet, sweet ball pit. So, if you don’t want to risk being up at 3:00 a.m. with a sick and whiny toddler for the next week, you’d be wise to take precautions. Not sure where the play area is in the new mall you’re visiting? You’d better find out and make plans to steer clear of it (way clear) because if your toddler gets even the most distant glimpse of those plastic animals there will be no leaving without a visit, epic tantrum, or both.
Of course, it won’t matter how many precautions you take. The odds are you will end up visiting at least a few play areas, either because someone will invite you to a play date at one of those indoor places that charge admission (basically the toddler version of a night club), your toddler will wear you down at the mall, or you will blow into a fast food restaurant without realizing (gasp!) it has a play place. In these situations, you will need plenty of wipes and you will need to be on the lookout for:
• Toddler-on-toddler combat: One second all of the toddlers will be playing well together, then the next the ball pit will be transformed into a cage match. You’ll definitely want to be ready to pull your toddler to safety at the drop of a juice box.
• Top-of-the-slide pileups: A toddler or two will often decide that, instead of going down the slide, they’re just going to hang out at the top of it! This won’t, however, stop the other toddlers from trying to go down the slide. No, they will keep climbing to the top of the slide until—like a jammed assembly line—everyone goes toppling down the chute.
• Your toddler trying to take a toy into the play area: How’s this for a nightmare scenario? You’re about to leave when your toddler yells, “I lost my Buzz Lightyear!” You then look into the play area and realize… it could be anywhere. At the bottom of the ball pit? Maybe. In one of the tunnels twenty feet in the air? Could be! Already swiped by some no-good kid? Who knows! But you will have to spend the next hour looking for it regardless. Thankfully, you can avoid this particular horror by insisting your toddler leave his stuff with you.
• Your toddler getting “lost in space”: This is especially problematic at fast food play areas where toddlers crawl/climb to the top of the structure, then freak out upon realizing how high they are and refuse to come down. You can coo, “It’s okay, buddy! Come on down!” as much as you want, but you will more than likely have to go up there after him. Trying to squeeze your way to the top with a burger, jumbo fries, and shake in your belly is no one’s idea of a good time—and the closest you will come to re-experiencing your own birth.
Oh, and know that your kid will lose it when you say it’s time to go no matter how long you’ve been there. So be prepared to carry a screaming toddler to the exit. The other parents may stare, but take heart: their time will come very, very soon.
THE SUPERMARKET
In the month or two before your kid becomes a full-fledged toddler you will likely find going to the supermarket relatively easy. Just strap your kid into the cart, hand him a toy, and get shopping! Sure, he might have the occasional crying jag or inopportune dirty diaper, but at this stage you won’t have to bite back tears at the mere thought of bringing him with you. That, however, will all change once you have a toddler.
The most frustrating thing about trying to shop with a toddler is that he will most likely refuse to stay in the (insert expletive of choice) shopping cart. In fact, you might not be able to even get him in the cart since many toddlers kick, scream, and arch their backs the moment you lift them in the air. When this happens you will have two options. You can give up and set your toddler down (and deal with the consequences when you get inside), or you can fight to strap your toddler in while trying not to get clocked by his flailing arms and feet—all in front of the watchful eyes of cookie-selling Girls Scouts and judgmental shoppers.
Be sure to learn where the candy, cookies, and toys are located at your local supermarket so you can plan to take the least tantrum-inducing route possible.
It should be mentioned that even if you do manage to get your toddler into the cart, he will likely whine to be let out almost immediately upon getting inside the store. And why wouldn’t he? The supermarket is full of balloons, candy, cookies, ice cream, and to
ys. It’s basically a toddler paradise, and no toddler wants to watch it all pass by while stuck in the cart. With that said, you can (and should) attempt to keep your little monster content with being in the cart by engaging him with a song, giving him a toy, or even ripping open a can of Pringles and letting him go to town (just ignore the side-eye from the stock boy). If you’re really desperate you can give him your phone, but this isn’t recommended because when your toddler is worked up he will be able to toss it an Olympic-record distance.
If you’re unable to stop your toddler from whining to get out, you can make the game-time decision to ignore his pleas and simply go about your shopping. If you do this, though, you should know that he will scream louder every second he is confined to the cart. Most parents break and let their toddler down after a minute of shrieking, or when glass bottles start rattling on the shelves—whichever comes first.
While letting your toddler down will stop him from screaming, it will also put you in an even worse situation—shopping with an unrestrained toddler! When you’re not struggling to keep your toddler from running out of sight, you’ll be making him put back candy and cookies or whispering for him to stop staring at the awkward college kid perusing the ramen noodles.
One thing you can do to keep your free-range toddler in check is to make him your “helper.” Try asking him to bring you easy-to-carry items like paper towels (but not eggs or cartons of milk), and let him “help” you push the cart. Just don’t let him push it by himself or you will definitely hear, “Cleanup on aisle three!”
The best way to prepare for shopping with a toddler is by realizing these trips will be chaotic, stressful, and potentially embarrassing, and be okay with it. That’s because when your kid is being especially maddening (say, after shattering a glass of juice and screaming “WANT CANDY!” repeatedly) you will be tempted to scoop him up and make a break for the exit. Doing that, though, means you will have to come back again later, most likely with your toddler. Forget that. Instead of putting off the misery for later, stay calm and continue shopping with your little maniac. Other shoppers may shoot you looks, but who cares? If dealing with a few sideways glances means you’re able to get everything you need (plus the wine you’re going to drink that night while watching some hard-earned TV), so be it.
CHAPTER 7
VACATIONING WITH A TODDLER
When you think vacation you might picture sandy beaches. You can see it now: you and your partner soaking up the sun, relaxing, with a rum drink in hand. Was that fun? I hope so, because that little daydream is as close as you’re going to get to the picture-perfect vacation. Toddlers change everything, no matter the location. You may get poolside. You may visit with friends or family. But the truth is that we just can’t recommend vacationing with a toddler—at least not if you plan to think of it as a typical vacation.
Just look at the numbers. Parents who vacation with a toddler are up to thirty-seven times more likely to suffer a toddler-induced breakdown than parents who remain at home with their toddlers. (This number nearly doubles among those who vacation at an amusement park, but more on that later.) If you absolutely must vacation with a toddler, it is better to think of it as “traveling” instead of “vacationing” because it will afford you little joy or relaxation. Ready? Strap yourself and your toddler in. Here we go!
FLYING
The classic airline slogan may invite you to “come fly the friendly skies,” but when you have a toddler you must be prepared to fly the unfriendly skies instead. No, parents of toddlers don’t sit back, relax, and enjoy their flight; they spend every second paranoid that their kid will lose it while trapped in a confined space. Thankfully, there are measures you can take to limit your chances of receiving an epic stink-eye in baggage claim upon landing.
Takeoff can be especially painful on a toddler’s ears, so as you ascend you should give your toddler milk, juice, or water to drink. Unfortunately, because you can’t bring liquid through security, you will have to buy these drinks in the terminal at movie theater prices. The investment is worth it, though, as a drink will help alleviate your toddler’s pain and stop crotchety (or already drunk passengers) from shouting, “Shut that kid up!”
To keep your toddler content once you’re in the air, you will want to bring a backpack (it can be your toddler’s carry-on) full of things like a security blanket, tablet, child-friendly headphones, and small toys. Surprising your toddler with a few new trinkets bought in the dollar section will buy you precious tantrum-free time, as will DIYing some crafts you’ve found on Pinterest. A handmade toy made out of pipe cleaners may seem silly in the comfort of your own home, but when your toddler is melting down at thirty-thousand feet you’ll soon be thinking why didn’t I make that stupid toy out of pipe cleaners?!
Snacks are another thing that can keep your toddler busy for a surprisingly long time, but you will want to bring these from home and not rely on what is on the flight. If you think airline food is unappetizing, just imagine what a picky toddler will think.
Of course, the real challenge is the balancing act of keeping your toddler happy while making sure she doesn’t bother other passengers by kicking the seat in front her, making loud noises, or staring horror film–style through the seats at the people behind her. Be warned, though: you must check your toddler carefully because each rebuke increases the odds of a meltdown.
If someone yells “Shut that kid up!” use the opportunity to win the sympathy of your fellow passengers by acting hurt instead of angry—if possible, summon tears.
In the likely event that your toddler does melt down after you’ve done everything you possibly can to keep her calm, there are a few last-ditch strategies you can employ, like feigning shock at how your toddler is acting. Try theatrically saying things like, “She’s never like this!” or “It must be the altitude. That’s the only possible explanation!”
It’s also helpful to make a show of continuing to do everything you can to calm your toddler even though you know she’s well past the point of no return. Will it make a difference? No. But if you don’t do your best Meryl Streep in the role of “The Tireless, Overwhelmed Parent” the people around you will hate you—and you’ve still got three hours before you land. You may have given up in your heart, but you can’t show it on the outside.
If the flight attendant isn’t avoiding you, you can try asking him to bring you some extra milk, cookies, or anything else that might possibly placate your toddler. If he says he can’t help you, try to slip him a twenty like he’s a maître d’ at a fancy restaurant.
If all else fails, you can become the sad sack parent who endlessly walks your toddler up and down the aisles. This should only be done out of desperation, though, because once your toddler knows she can get out of her seat she will never want to get back in.
Once you master all that, prepare to join the Mile High Club for parents. This is very different from the Mile High Club the honeymooners a few aisles ahead might join. To join the parent’s club, you must successfully change a diaper in the tiny airplane bathroom. This is quite the challenge, but you can make the experience less miserable by pretending that you and your toddler are giants forced to live among humans. Just don’t mention this to anyone else—it’s best kept a secret.
CHANGE A DIAPER AT 36,000 FEET
ROAD TRIPS
After thinking about the travails of air travel, the idea of simply packing your toddler into the car and hitting the road may seem like a no-brainer. However, when you find yourself three hundred miles from your destination and your toddler is still shrieking because you didn’t stop at a McDonald’s, you will realize that road trips come with their own set of sanity-testing challenges, not the least of which is that they tend to take three to four times longer than a flight to the same location. If you’re not careful, your drive can very easily drive you nuts.
The most difficult part of any road trip will undoubtedly be keeping your toddler happy. Since toddlers aren’t impressed by scenery or
the back of their parents’ heads, the parent in the passenger seat will likely need to spend the majority of the trip turned around, playing the role of activities director. (“That concludes our juice box portion of the drive. Next up… an iPad presentation of Elmo’s World!”) The good news is that many of the strategies discussed in the previous section, like having a backpack full of toys and lots of snacks on hand, will help to keep your toddler busy on a road trip too. You will also have one major advantage over those who fly: you’ll be in the privacy of your own car. This means you can do things to entertain your toddler that you wouldn’t dare do in front of another human being. Improvised songs about butts? Sure! Woefully inept impressions of Mickey Mouse? Knock yourself out! Fake fart noises? Of course! You should feel free to do all of these things and more without worrying about what other people would think. Your only concern should be whether they entertain your toddler.
Another trying part of road trips is that your toddler will repeatedly drop things she can’t pick up while strapped into his car seat. Since these will be things she absolutely must have right now, you will either need to pull over to get them (losing precious time) or reach into the back “go-go gadget” style to pick them up. While the latter is preferable because it saves time, you want to make sure you don’t pull a muscle, or pull right off the road, in the process.
It’s possible to pull a muscle while changing your toddler’s diapers, because most diaper changes on road trips (such as the almost impossible “standing change” in a nasty, changing table–free gas station bathroom) are firmly in the high difficulty range. To escape these situations with as little trauma as possible, you will want to bring a travel-changing pad or kit and antibacterial hand sanitizer (plus plenty of diapers and wipes, of course).
