by Mike Spohr
In addition to making stops for diaper changes, you’ll want to consider making occasional stops at rest stops, restaurants, and roadside attractions. These will add time to your trip, but they will give both you and your toddler a welcome respite from the car. You should know, though, that getting your toddler back into the car will take a lot of effort because once she’s out she won’t want to get back in. To avoid embarrassment as you struggle to get your bucking toddler back into the car seat, it’s important to remember you will never see the old ladies and truckers giving you side-eye at the rest stop ever again.
If people in another car notice you doing something embarrassing to entertain your toddler, slow down so they can drive ahead and out of sight.
RECORDED TODDLER DYSFUNCTION THROUGHOUT HISTORY
The logs of Christopher Jones, captain of the Mayflower on its historic trip to the New World in 1620, includes the following entry:
“THE 12TH OF AUGUST, 1620
Morale among the passengers is low. The source of this malaise is a babe of two or three years. Yesterday at daybreak he shattered the first mate’s telescope by savagely throwing it to the ground, at noon he angered the cook by overturning a plate of food (‘No carrot!’ the child is said to have uttered), and at night his wailing tormented the other passengers, one of whom shouted, ‘Lo! Silence that child up!’ The boy’s mother, meanwhile, shuffled across the deck with dazed eyes, pleading with anyone to watch the boy so that she might have but a moment of peace. Only one among us, a crewman able to summon the sound of flatulence from his armpit, was able to render the child anything but incorrigible. Even now, as I write, I can hear the terror wailing below. We cannot arrive in the New World soon enough.”
HOTELS
You likely have many positive memories of hotel stays from your pre-toddler life, full of rest, relaxation, and romance. Our best advice is to forget them.
Upon arriving you will need to immediately babyproof your room. This sounds easy, but babyproofing a hotel room goes well beyond simply covering sharp corners and electrical outlets. First, you must consider the mini bar. If it has a key, lock it, or else your toddler will pull out all of the items when you’re not looking and roll a few fourteen dollar mini-bottles of booze under the couch (something you’ll only discover upon reviewing your bill). Similarly, if there’s a basket of candies, cookies, and chips atop the minibar, you will need to distract your toddler—pointing and shouting, “Look! Elmo!” is generally effective, then hurriedly stash it out of sight on the highest shelf in the closet. Fail to do so without your toddler noticing and she will spend the entirety of your stay whining, “Cookies! Cookies! Cookies!”
You will also need to make sure that the television controller is out of your toddler’s reach. Toddlers love to push buttons and can quickly button-push their way into ordering a twenty-dollar on-demand movie (or worse—an adult movie). Explaining to the front desk that you “didn’t really mean” to order Debbie Does Dallas while also claiming that you “honestly don’t know what happened” to those mini-bottles of booze is best avoided.
Once you’ve made your hotel room hospitable to your toddler, you must go about the highly stressful task of staying in it. Why is this stressful, you ask? Let’s count the ways:
1. There’s no food for your toddler: Okay, there is food for toddlers at a hotel, but unless you’ve recently won the lottery you’re probably not going to want to spend eight dollars for a bag of chips or seventeen dollars for a grilled cheese from room service (along with a thimble-sized glass of milk for four dollars). To avoid bankruptcy you should pack (or pick up at a local market) a bunch of toddler-friendly food.
2. There’s nothing there to entertain her: While your toddler has toys to preoccupy herself at home, the most exciting “toy” in a hotel room is the “Do Not Disturb” sign. So, unless you want to work overtime to keep your toddler entertained (“Look, Honey, Mrs. Do Not Disturb Sign invited over Mr. Overpriced Water Bottle for a tea party!”), you’re better off bringing toys, books, and games to keep your toddler busy.
3. Everything is white and/or immaculate: The curtains, bedspreads, sheets, pillows, towels, and a whole lot of other pristine items in the room will not mix well with your toddler, who makes more stains before breakfast than most people make in a year. You’d be wise to befriend the housekeeper, and to remember when things get really sticky that the fraternity brothers two floors down are probably doing way worse.
4. You’re in close proximity to other people: This means you will spend your entire stay fretting that your toddler will start screaming in the middle of the night. If your toddler does lose it at 4:00 a.m., the frantic moments you’ll spend struggling to quiet her (as your neighbors grumble through the paper-thin walls) will sadly end up among the most memorable of your trip. In times like these it’s important to remind yourself that with a toddler you are not “vacationing,” but “traveling,” especially if the front desk calls.
If you remove the stocked items from a mini-bar, you can refrigerate milk and other healthy snacks for your toddler.
DEALING WITH THE FRONT DESK
If the front desk does call with a noise complaint at 4:00 a.m., it’s best to acknowledge the noise and apologize. It is not recommended to engage in conversations like this:
FRONT DESK: “Ma’am, we’ve received a number of noise complaints —”
YOU: “Yes, I was just about to call myself. The party is very loud.”
FRONT DESK: “Party?”
YOU: “Hmm-hmm. College kids next door.”
FRONT DESK: “Ma’am, the complaints were about a screaming child.”
YOU: “Really? I don’t hear anything like that.”
FRONT DESK: “Ma’am, I can hear the child coming over the line from your room.”
YOU: “No, that’s music from the party.
FRONT DESK: “Ma’am, I now hear the child crying, ‘Mommy! Mommy!’”
YOU: “Are you sure the hotel isn’t haunted?”
FRONT DESK: “I’m sending someone up.”
YOU: “…”
FRONT DESK: “Ma’am?”
YOU: “I’m sorry. Having a toddler is just so, so hard. We’ll keep things down.”
(click)
HOTEL POOLS
Spend enough time in the hotel room with your toddler bouncing off the walls and you will eventually find yourself saying, “Hey! Let’s take her to the pool!” Before you do that, though, make sure you’re prepared.
First, toddlers have delicate skin that burns easily, so you will need to lather yours up with an endless amount of sunscreen before you do anything else. You will spend so much time struggling to apply the stuff to your squirming toddler, in fact, that you will likely forget to apply it to yourself and wake up the next morning as red as a beet.
Next, you will need to put your toddler into a swim diaper even though no one actually knows what the purpose of a swim diaper is since it doesn’t hold or stop pee. Because of this, you should be prepared for your toddler to pee on you as you make your way to the pool.
Upon arriving at the pool it will be time to unpack the water toys you brought, but you must be prepared for your toddler to ignore them. She will, however, desperately want the toy some stranger’s kid is playing with in the vicinity.
Finally, you and your toddler will get into the pool where she will either immediately scream to get out or splash around in ecstasy. While the latter is cute, be warned: if your toddler takes to the water, she will scream bloody murder when you try to leave no matter how long you’ve stayed at the pool. To avoid embarrassment, it’s best to avoid eye contact with others as you hurry your wailing banshee out of the pool and back to your room.
VISITING RELATIVES
One of the most common reasons parents subject themselves to traveling with a toddler is to visit far-flung relatives. After all, what could be more magical than seeing the look on your great aunt’s face when she meets your toddler for the first time? Unfortunately,
these visits rarely end on such a magical note. The last look you’re likely to see on your relative’s face is one of great relief.
The main reason these visits go so poorly is simple. Before you arrive, the only image your great aunt knows of your toddler is the finely crafted one you’ve presented on Facebook. She’s seen the adorable snapshot of him smelling flowers (but not the tantrum he threw seconds later when you wouldn’t let him rip the flowers out of the ground); she’s watched the achingly sweet video of him cooing, “I love you, mommy!” (but not the part you cut out where green sludge trickled out of his nose); and she’s laughed at the funny anecdote you shared about your toddler’s love of music (but not the story you didn’t share about how he savagely snapped your original vinyl record of “Thriller” in two). This will all change, though, once you arrive and your great aunt not only sees him in the flesh, but meets him when he’s out of his element from traveling.
Instead of trying to keep up the charade that your toddler is a perfect angel (and greatly stressing yourself out in the process), it’s best to simply accept upfront that your aunt’s image of your toddler is going to be epically shattered, and that, upon returning home, you will hear whisperings through the family grapevine that your kid is “a handful.”
Another problem you will experience when visiting relatives is that very few of their homes are babyproofed. This means that as you discuss your great aunt’s recent knee surgery, you will need to hover over your toddler so he doesn’t run into a sharp corner or break the antique vase your aunt has displayed at toddler-eye level. To avoid potential disasters, it’s a good idea to bring a travel babyproofing kit to cover up the most dangerous corners, and to ask if you can move any fragile items out of your toddler’s reach. Don’t be shy—these are your relatives, after all, and they don’t want your kid to break their stuff either.
The last problem you must be prepared for comes from the relatives themselves. All relatives (especially grandparents) enjoy spoiling toddlers, often with candies and treats. To avoid returning to your hotel with a sugar-crazed toddler intent on loudly melting down throughout the night, you will need to play the villain and say things like, “Sorry, pal, grandpa didn’t mean to give you that third chocolate bar. You’ve had enough.” Your toddler will lose it, of course, but better now than later, at your hotel room.
AMUSEMENT PARKS
When planning a family vacation with a toddler, an amusement park seems like the perfect destination. After all, it checks off all of the toddler-friendly boxes: fun rides, delicious food, and costumed characters. Unfortunately, these are the very things that will have your toddler crying in front of thousands of people shortly after entering the gates.
In order to survive an amusement park, you would be wise to think of it not as a place designed to entertain your toddler, but to antagonize her. Don’t believe it? Consider the things your toddler will come across:
1. Loud music, flashing lights, and costumed characters: This sensory overload will immediately greet your toddler upon entering and throw her off her game. And if a guy in a seven-foot-tall Shrek costume sneaks up and startles her, you might as well turn around and go home right then. Game, set, match to the amusement park.
2. Sugary food: Virtually every food sold inside is drenched in sugar, so unless you refuse to buy your toddler any treats (a decision she will not take well) she will spend her entire visit riding one sugar high and crash after the next.
3. Long lines: There are exasperatingly long lines for everything, and you’ll have to work overtime to keep your instant gratification–craving toddler from melting down as you snake your way through them.
4. The hordes of hucksters: Every ten feet your toddler will pass someone hawking a shiny object or treat. A toddler can only handle so much of this temptation before she dissolves into a “WANT! WANT! WANT!” meltdown.
The best way to protect yourself against this onslaught of agitation is to postpone your visit until your kid has transitioned out of toddlerhood. But if you absolutely must go now, it’s wise to have the lowest of expectations, and the understanding that even those are unlikely to be met. You may have a dream of getting an adorable snapshot of your toddler with, say, Mickey Mouse, but if she’s freaked out by an adult-sized mouse walking around you will have to forget about that photo opp. Similarly, you should be prepared to wait an hour for a ride only to have your toddler freak out at the last minute and refuse to get on it. Maddening? Only if your expectations are more than an inch off the ground.
You will also need to be prepared for your toddler to not only be afraid of the stuff you expect, but the stuff you’d never think of, like the innocent, toddler-friendly boat ride through a sparkling musical wonderland. So, instead of forcing your toddler to do the things you want her to do, let her find the things she’s comfortable with. If she loves the carousel and wants to ride it over and over, let her. You brought her so that she could enjoy herself, right? This, of course, means that anything you, the adult, might personally want to do is almost definitely out of the question. Sure, you can go on a thrill ride by yourself, but that means leaving your partner alone with your sugar-crazed toddler, which is tantamount to cruel and unusual punishment. For the sake of your relationship, it’s best to save the adult fun for future visits.
Lastly, you can make it a lot easier to get through your visit by bribing. Upon arriving, tell your toddler she can buy a souvenir—but at the end of your visit. That way, you won’t have to schlep an oddly-shaped souvenir around all day and you’ll avoid the drama of your toddler discovering something she wants more later in the day. Plus, the promise of a souvenir at the end of the visit is a highly effective good behavior motivator.
Always bring a stroller—even if your toddler won’t sit in it—because you can use it to wheel around your stuff. And with a toddler, you will have stuff.
CHAPTER 8
SURVIVING BEDTIME AND POTTY TRAINING
When you’re an adult, you love sleeping and can’t get enough of it. And (if we’re speaking frankly) you also probably enjoy a trip to the bathroom. But do toddlers enjoy these things? No, they do not. Tell a toddler it’s bedtime, or suggest that she start to use the potty like a big kid, and the little weirdo will almost certainly burst into tears like you’ve just tossed her favorite stuffed animal into the blender and hit “puree.”
By now, though, it should come as no surprise that toddlers are strange and irrational. It should also come as no surprise that it will be your job to: A) establish a bedtime routine for your toddler, and B) potty train her, even as she fights you every step of the way. Will it be easy? Not even remotely! Will it be fun? Gosh, no! But it has to be done. And try to log a few memories for comparison; in ten years, your kid will sleep in until eleven and spend thirty minutes in the bathroom at a time.
ANNOUNCING IT’S BEDTIME
At the end of a long day, you will want nothing more than to get your kid down for the night so you can enjoy a little toddler-free relaxation. That’s perfectly understandable, but you mustn’t put the horse before the cart. Getting your toddler to sleep is a process, and you must commit to it. If you don’t—if you cut corners or race through the steps—you will likely find yourself crying at 11:00 p.m. as your wide-awake toddler acts out the last verse of “Five Little Monkeys.”
The first step of the process is so important we’re giving it its own entry in this book. You absolutely must announce that it’s bedtime. Think of yourself as the town crier with news you must share early and often.
That doesn’t mean the sole citizen of Toddler Town will like the news you’re spreading. To keep your toddler from totally losing it, try letting her know ahead of time that bedtime is coming by saying, “Bedtime in twenty minutes, sweetie!” After you’ve made this first announcement, try to wind things down by transitioning to quieter activities. Put away that drum kit your sister-in-law gave her (why, oh why did you even keep it?!) and turn off any loud cartoons. As your toddler settles down, re
mind her every five minutes that bedtime is coming until it finally arrives. Your toddler probably won’t waltz off to bed whistling a happy tune, but the odds are she will put up less of a fight if she can see what’s around the bend, especially if you do this every night at the same time.
Your toddler’s main strategy for fighting the news that it’s bedtime will be to put on a one-toddler rendition of the “good cop/bad cop” routine. First, she will play the good toddler, and stall by batting her eyes adorably and asking for more cuddles. (“No bedtime, mama. More cuddles pwease.”) Alternatively, she might look up at you with doleful eyes and say, “I’m hungry, daddy.” Since you did feed her dinner, don’t fall for this. If you do, you’ll be stuck watching her nurse a handful of fishies for the next forty-five minutes.
If the good toddler doesn’t sway you, she will quickly switch over to bad toddler. The bad toddler will cry, scream, attack, hide, and create any mischief that might make you throw up your hands and say, “Fine! Five more minutes!” But don’t fall for this. Instead, stay strong and know that there will be nights when you have to take your toddler screaming and crying to the next step towards bed. Repeat your routine long enough, though, and those nights will become fewer and fewer. (Probably.)
THE BATHROOM ROUTINE
Once you’ve sufficiently warned your toddler about bedtime, it’s time to usher her to the bathroom. Just getting her there might make you think, “Mission accomplished!” That, however, would be a major mistake because your toddler has not yet accepted defeat. In fact, she will continue to do absolutely everything in her power to derail the bedtime routine and make you scream, “I JUST WANT TO WATCH SOME TELEVISION WHERE PEOPLE SWEAR AND MAKE QUESTIONABLE DECISIONS! IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?”
