by Mike Spohr
You can lessen toddler anxiety (and speed up the bedtime routine) by keeping the order of what your toddler does in the bathroom consistent night after night.
But don’t do that. The most important thing to remember is to keep your cool (or to fake it). This will be a lot harder than you think because your toddler will suddenly become incapable of doing the simplest of tasks, or if she can do them, she will only be able to do them at a sloth-like speed. If you ask her to turn on the faucet, she’ll reach for it like she’s afraid it might run away if she moves too fast.
Your toddler will also do a lot of playing. She will splash in the water, push down the soap dispenser again and again, and use her toothbrush as a magic wand, sword, baseball bat, or drumstick (because all of this is apparently a lot more fun than going to bed). Again, we must stress how crucial it is that you keep your cool. The imminent threat of bedtime will have your toddler’s emotions on edge, and if you snap at her she will likely burst into tears (and possibly flop onto the bathroom floor).
As far as a recommended order goes, if your toddler is potty trained, have her go to the bathroom. After that, have her wash her hands and face, then brush her teeth. If (or shall we say “when”) she dillydallies, gently but firmly prompt her to keep moving by saying things like, “Okay, that’s enough! Turn off the water!” or “Keep going! Don’t stop!”
Think of yourself like a bartender getting the last drunk out of the bar at the end of a long night. You’re not going to do anything that might antagonize her, but you are going to move her out so you can lock up and go home (or, in this case, move her into her bedroom so you can finally watch your shows).
THE BEDROOM ROUTINE
At this point, the only thing that separates you from freedom is the bedtime routine itself, or as it might better be described, the toddler’s last stand. Your toddler will know that once you tuck her in and turn off the light she will be expected to sleep, so she will do everything in her power to make this part of the night last as long as possible. How you respond to her stalling tactics will be the difference between getting to enjoy the rest of your night and waking up on the floor of your toddler’s bedroom at 2:00 a.m.
Above all else, you must stick to your routine and keep things moving. First, put your toddler into her pajamas, then quickly pivot to the bedtime story. If you don’t expertly stick the landing of this maneuver, she will try to distract you by begging for a piggyback ride, starting a tickle fight, or ordering you to watch her do some somersaults.
If this does happen, channel Nancy Reagan: “Just say no.” Yes, we know she was talking about drugs when she said that, but she was a mom, too, so she’d likely have agreed with us on this. If you go along with the piggyback ride/tickle fight/tumbling exhibition, you’ll not only lengthen the bedtime routine, you’ll risk riling up your toddler enough to give her a second wind. There is not much worse for bedtime than a second wind.
You will also need to have a no-nonsense, full-speed ahead attitude when it comes to the bedtime story. Don’t let your toddler strong-arm you into reading a painfully long book, don’t let her constantly stop your reading by asking a dozen questions on every page, and when you get to the end of the book, don’t be swayed by her cries of, “Again!” or “One more story!” Now is the time to close the book, plant your kisses, and move away from the bed.
Last but not least, you mustn’t allow yourself to get stuck in your toddler’s room. She will likely ask you to wait in her room until she falls asleep, or if she’s feeling really bold, request that you cuddle her to sleep. She may look adorable when she asks you to do this as she tells you a woefully sad tale about being afraid of the monsters in her closet, but you will need to shut that down. If you don’t, you will find yourself trapped in the ultimate time suck. For five, ten, fifteen, sometimes twenty minutes or more, you will do nothing but stare at your toddler searching for any sign that she might have nodded off. And if you try to tiptoe out before she’s totally asleep and get caught (“Mama? Dada? Where you goin’?”), she will force herself to stay up as long as possible afterward to make sure you don’t try to sneak out again. You will literally be held captive by your toddler.
The biggest time suck of all, though, will come if you fall asleep waiting for her to fall asleep. Will it be nice to sleep? Yes, but it will also mean saying goodbye to your kid-free evening, and that is a punishment no parent deserves.
If your toddler says she’s afraid of the dark, spritz some “Monster Repellent” in her room to calm her nerves. The repellent is really just cheap lavender body spray, but she won’t know that.
Take turns dealing with your toddler at night so neither partner gets stuck with all the sleepless nights.
YOUR TODDLER THROUGH THE NIGHT
At last! Your toddler is asleep! That means you can finally relax and enjoy yourself, right? Well, sure, as long as you have an asterisk after that statement! The reality is that when you have a toddler you’re never really off the clock. When a toddler goes down for the night, she’s rarely down for long.
There are a lot of reasons your toddler will wake up at night. She might be thirsty and want a glass of water, she might need to go to the bathroom (usually a couple hours after she’s asked for that glass of water), she might be cold and want you to pull up her covers (you know, the ones she kicked off herself), or she might have misplaced her favorite teddy bear (check under her pillow). Generally, getting your toddler back to sleep in these situations will be easy once you’ve addressed her need. The real challenge will come when your toddler has a nightmare.
The good news is that (if you keep your ears open and move quickly) you will often be able to stop a bad dream before it turns into a full-fledged nightmare. Hear some quiet whimpers coming from your toddler’s room? If so, put down your wine and hustle back to your toddler’s room! With a little luck, you’ll be able to settle her with a few gentle rubs on the back. What you don’t want to do is try to drown out her whimpers by turning up the sound on the TV. Do that, and you’ll likely end up watching a new show called The Walking Dead—Toddler Edition, and that’s a show that can last well over an hour.
Some nights, though, there will be no stopping your toddler from waking up after a nightmare. When this happens, what should you do? This quiz should help you figure it out.
QUIZ: HOW TO GET YOUR TODDLER BACK TO SLEEP
A) Comfort your toddler and then encourage independent sleeping by saying, “I will stand here in the doorway until you fall back to sleep.”
B) Lie down with your toddler and let her fall back to sleep in your arms.
C) Bring your toddler into your bed to help her get back to sleep.
Ask parents which option is best, and most will say “A,” but far fewer will actually do it in the middle of the night. Lying down with your kid is much easier, after all. But if you do that, she will expect you to lie down with her every time she has a nightmare. She may even start to pull the “I had a nightmare” con on a nightly basis to get those sweet, middle-of-the night cuddles.
The benefit of “C” is that it will allow your toddler to fall asleep quickly, which means that you will be able to fall asleep quickly too. The downside, though, is that you will be in bed with a toddler whose flying feet and flailing arms will do a number on you. Oh, and she will want to sleep with you again the next night. So, if you want your toddler to learn how to sleep on her own, you should limit how often you do this (or at least try). We realize it’s easier said than done.
POTTY TRAINING SIGNS
Everyone will tell you that your toddler will show signs of “readiness” when she’s ready to potty train. While that might seem ridiculous, it’s actually true. You will need to keep an eye out for any signs that your toddler is ready to cooperate, because if you don’t, you might find yourself slowly sliding down the bathroom wall, holding a diaper and crying, “I can’t do it anymore!”
• Often the earliest sign is when your toddler starts to complain about being u
ncomfortable the second she uses her diaper. Instead of shouting, “Again?!” remind your toddler that a good way to not be uncomfortable is by letting you know before she uses her diaper. Start helping her identify the signals her body is sending.
• Your toddler will start wanting to watch you go to the bathroom. You might worry that your little one is showing the early signs of being a voyeur, but expressing an interest in other people’s bodily functions is actually a totally normal sign that your toddler is moving toward being able to use the toilet.
• Toddlers who show flashes of “I do it myself!” independence are good potty training candidates. One of the ways toddlers express their autonomy is by removing their diapers. In typical toddler fashion, they do this partly because they can, and partly because they find it hilarious to watch their parents run around like chickens with their heads cut off, desperate to get them back into another diaper. Don’t get frustrated. Use their initiative to your advantage!
• If your toddler wakes up dry every morning, or goes for long, multi-hour stretches without needing a new diaper, her bladder muscles are likely getting stronger. Start keeping track of how many times your toddler wakes up dry (from overnight sleeping and naps). If she can string together several days in a row, she’s definitely showing a sign she’s ready to potty train.
In closing, the best way to know if your toddler is ready for potty training is by asking yourself if she’s bribable. If she is, it’s probably time. Toddlers, you see, don’t really care about doing something for their own good—they want to do it for the candy (or the toy cars and stickers). Figure out your child’s currency and then stock up. You’ll want to be able to reward your toddler every single time she uses the toilet, so make sure to find something easy and cheap that will appeal to your toddler and not, say, a brand-new Barbie for every tinkle in the toilet.
METHODS OF POTTY TRAINING
The second you say the words “potty train,” just about everyone you know (and some people you don’t) will offer advice on which method you should use, solicited or not. Sure, Great Aunt Edna might have a suggestion, but it will require a chamber pot and access to a barn. Luckily, there are a variety of modern methods to potty train a toddler, and we’ve broken down the most popular ones so you can best determine what will work for your family.
The “Wait and Pee” Method: You place a kiddie potty in the bathroom, but never pressure your toddler to use it. You watch for signs that she needs to use the toilet, but never, you know, tell her to use it—you just hope she chooses to do it on her own.
PROS: There are fewer fights and fewer accidents. Your toddler will decide that going in the potty is her idea, which is especially good if she’s headstrong and wants to do everything herself (this is 99 percent of all toddlers).
CONS: You will need to be the mellowest person on Earth because otherwise you might blow a gasket waiting for your toddler to “choose” to use the potty. Really, how long can you watch your toddler ignore the potty before you scream? It will be especially frustrating when you see your toddler take an interest in every single thing in your home except the freaking kiddie potty.
Training Pants Method: Disposable training diapers (which pull on and off like underwear, but are absorbent like diapers) can be used as you start potty training to help with the transition between diapers and underwear. You can even use “wet sensation” trainers that make the training pants especially uncomfortable when a child pees in them.
PROS: This is an in-between method that teaches your child how to pull her pants up and down and helps her avoid the trauma of peeing in her underwear. Accidents are much easier to clean up as well.
CONS: You’re basically switching from one diaper to another, which means your toddler won’t learn the full consequences of peeing in her pants. Even the wet sensation trainers might not be enough motivation to get your kid out of diapers and into underwear—after all, she’s spent her entire life in diapers, so this won’t be anything new.
Run Around Naked Method: You have your toddler run around the house naked for a few days, so that when she needs to pee there’s no chance of her getting tangled up in her clothes. It will also make it easier for you to see the physical signs that she needs to use the toilet.
PROS: You won’t have a mountain of underwear to wash, and getting your toddler onto the toilet when it’s time to go will be much easier without clothes getting in the way.
CONS: Your child will be running around naked in your house, which means there’s nothing containing any accident. Think about that for a second. So, yeah, you might not have a mountain of underwear to wash, but do you like shampooing rugs? Also, it’s important that your toddler learns how to go to the bathroom with clothes on. Pulling down underwear is an important step in the potty training process.
Toilet in Front of the TV Method: You place a kiddie potty in front of the TV or in the family room where everyone hangs out. You then encourage your toddler to sit on the toilet for most of the day, making the toilet more familiar and comfortable.
PROS: This will show your toddler that the toilet isn’t something to be afraid of (it’s a surprisingly common fear). It will also reduce accidents because your kid will be sitting on the toilet for hours on end.
CONS: Sure, pooping in front of a TV is a dream for many, but it’s best not to give your toddler unrealistic expectations about what being potty trained will be like. Plus, your living room will smell like crap, literally.
Three-Day Method: This is potty training boot camp. For three straight days, everyone stays home and focuses 100 percent on your toddler and her bathroom needs. Your kid will wear underwear and a shirt, and you must say, “Let me know when you have to go potty,” every five minutes to signal to your toddler that she is the one in charge of her body.
PROS: If you’re intense and do it right, you will (most likely) potty train your kid in three days. Your toddler will also learn how to read the signs her body is sending, so she will let you know when she needs to go without needing to be asked or reminded.
CONS: These three days will be some of the longest of your life. After two days of doing nothing but staring at your toddler’s crotch, poised to race her into the bathroom, you might decide diapers are the lesser of two evils.
PUBLIC RESTROOMS
Just when you think you’ve survived the stress of potty training, you’ll realize something terrifying—you’re going to have to take your freshly potty-trained toddler out into the real world. Leaving the protective bubble of your home without the security of diapers will be very stressful, so much so that you may be the one with the urge to pee yourself! Yet as usual your toddler will be able to smell your fear. Since the last thing you want is for her to get nervous and forget everything she’s learned, you must remain calm.
Start by putting some thought into your first trips out of the house with your potty-trained toddler. The goal should be short excursions, like walking over to the neighbor’s house or a short drive to drop off dry cleaning. You’ll want to make sure your child uses the bathroom before you go, and praise her like crazy if she stays dry on your entire trip out of the house. Anything you can do to help your child gain potty training confidence is a good thing.
In these early days, knowing where public restrooms are at all times is of the utmost importance as well. The last thing you want is to have to run through the aisles of the grocery store looking for the bathroom sign. A newly potty-trained toddler won’t be able to hold her bladder for very long, and you don’t want your kid to be responsible for a cleanup on aisle five. Instead, ask where the bathroom is as soon as you enter any building. Even if your toddler doesn’t use the bathroom on that first trip, you never know when that information might come in handy.
Keep in mind that using a public toilet can be hard for a toddler. Public toilets are usually bigger (and look much different) than your toilets at home, and that can definitely intimidate or confuse the newly potty-trained. Stay positive and encouraging (e
ven as your suddenly frantic toddler screams, “Nooooo!”), and help her maneuver this strange, new toilet. Bringing along a folding potty seat can be a big help in public restrooms too. (It may sound less than practical, but they often fold up small enough to fit into a purse or backpack.) Automatic flushing toilets are another hazard that can scare the literal crap out of your toddler. If the toilet has a sensor, make sure you cover it with your hand, toilet paper, or Post-it notes—anything that will keep it from triggering the toilet to flush.
Most of all, accept that your kid will probably have an accident in public and prepare for it. This means letting go of your dreams of leaving behind your diaper bag (for the time being at least). Stock it with extra clothes, wipes, paper towels, and other cleaning supplies. It’s also smart to bring along a re-sealable plastic bag to stash wet clothes in. Once you’re prepared for an accident, you’ll be much more relaxed and ready to handle the inevitable.
Little boys who stand to pee might not be tall enough to do this with a public toilet, but if you let him stand on your shoes he might be able to reach.
POTTY TRAINING PITFALLS
After you’ve made it through the worst parts of potty training, the last thing you’ll want is for your toddler to regress. Yet parents are often the reason a potty-trained toddler backslides. Here are some pointers for lasting success:
