by Mary Calmes
"You're always hungry."
"I am not," I snapped at him.
"Eat," he ordered, his voice leaving no room for argument.
Except from me.
"I'm not five, Sam. If I say I'm—"
"If you don't eat you're gonna be sick so just eat."
I scowled up at him.
"Don't gimme the look, J, just fuckin' eat."
"Don't swear."
"Eat and I won't."
"That's stupid," I told him.
"Then I'm stupid, just eat!" he barked at me.
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Eat!"
"No."
"Jory, if—"
"Don't tell me what to do," I cut him off.
"God," he roared, and I was vaguely aware that the tables around us quieted. "Anything to fight with me! For crissakes, baby, just eat!" he yelled at me before he stalked away.
He was exasperated but I didn't care. I opened the menu and started looking at it even though I was pretty sure I was going to kill him when he got back.
"Jory."
There was no man on the planet as annoying as him!
"Jory."
I leaned the menu forward and looked across the table at Maggie. I was startled by the expression on her face. "Are you all right?"
"No, I don't think so." Her voice was shaky. "Did he just call you 'baby'?"
"What?" I said automatically, which usually gives people the second they need to take back anything they maybe wished they hadn't said.
"Did he just call you 'baby'?" Deeper tremor in her voice the second time she asked.
"No," I assured her.
"I think he did."
"No," I repeated, with more conviction.
"Yes... yes, he did."
And my heart sank because he had. I didn't even think about it because, between us, the two of us, it was normal. I was never usually Jory. I was J, or baby, or love. It had come out of him without thought, and now Maggie was sitting across from me just stunned. "I'm sure it was an accident."
She just stared at me.
"You know how sometimes you're looking at one person but you say the name of somebody else because you were thinking about them or talking to them a second before and—"
"He called you 'baby'."
"Only because he was looking at you but talking to me."
"He wasn't looking at me."
"Yeah, but a minute ago he—"
"That would be a nice theory except that he doesn't call me anything but Maggie. Not Mags like Dominic does or Maggie May like Lily does or even doll like his brother Michael does. He has no pet names for me, but you—you he calls
'baby'." Her eyes were riveted on mine. "Why is that, Jory?"
"It just came out. It means nothing."
"I think it means everything and explains a hell of a lot."
"I—"
"I've had sex with that man one time, Jory, just one time in four months and—"
I put up my hand to stop her. "Please don't tell me about—
"
"I want him so bad it's eating me up," she cut me off, ignoring my plea. "But he just wants to hold me and cuddle and—"
"Most women like that stuff."
"I want that man to take me to bed and screw my brains out, Jory, and he won't. He just won't...." She trailed off, her eyes all over me. "And I've tried everything to... it's embarrassing what I've tried."
I had no idea what to say.
She coughed. "And now I see him with you. He watches you, he can barely keep his hands off you, and that whole scene... you guys argue like an old married couple."
"I don't think—"
"And then the name...." She trailed off, studying my face.
"How many times did you sleep with him?"
"You're way off."
"I think I'm right on target, actually." Her eyes locked on mine. "Sam's gay?"
"No."
She nodded. "Then he was what—curious?"
"You're so wrong, you have—"
"Ohmygod," her hand covered her mouth. "That's why I can't move anything or throw out any of that tea neither of us drinks... he didn't just sleep with you, he's in love with you."
I shook my head. "No."
"Jory... I'm so jealous and you... you're so lucky."
"I don't have to sit here and listen to you," I said, grabbing my coat, sliding out of the booth.
"Jory, you should stay—I'll go."
But I didn't look back because the tears had come fast, filling my eyes, slipping down my cheeks.
I took several deep breaths outside in front of the restaurant before I started hobbling toward the street to get a cab.
"What are you doing?" he growled behind me.
I made sure when he came around to face me that I turned away. "I'm going home. Go back inside and take care of Maggie. She's all—"
"'Cause I called you baby."
My head snapped up and my eyes met his.
He looked tired all of a sudden. "I didn't even realize I said it until I got back to the table and she looked like she got slapped or something."
"I told her you—"
"I know. She told me what ya said. I appreciate it."
"I—"
He took a step closer and took my chin in his hand, tilting my head up. "It doesn't matter anymore. I'm fuckin'
exhausted."
"Sam, I—"
"Let's go."
I just stood there, staring at him.
"She went home," he gestured back at the restaurant.
"Why?"
His smile was sad. "'Cause when she asked me if I was in love with you, I said yes."
All I could do was stare at him, up into his eyes.
"Actually, I think what I said was 'God, yes'."
"Sam, you don't—"
His hand closed lightly around my throat, his thumb sliding over my jaw. "Don't be an idiot. Of course I love you. How could I not?"
I stopped breathing.
His eyes were so soft as he looked down at me. "Come home with me. Let me take care of you. Please. I'm begging you."
There was no one alive strong enough to say no to that.
"Okay," I nodded and he bent and flipped me over his shoulder.
"Don't—put me down!"
"Your ankle's bad," he grumbled, slapping my ass hard.
"Shut the fuck up, the car's right there."
When he dumped me into the seat, slamming the door shut, I sat for a moment as he got in.
"What? What now?"
I rolled my head to look at him. "It's just gonna end badly.
It always does."
"Nope," he grunted, starting the car. "Not this time."
"Why not?" I sounded weary.
"'Cause everybody's gonna know about you. I already told my folks, so—"
"What?" I gasped.
"Hah!" he barked at me. "Didn't see that coming, did ya, you cocky piece of shit... always think you know everything...
and put on your goddamn seat belt!"
I put it on in a daze, staring at his profile.
After a few minutes of silence I asked him to explain what he'd said.
"About telling my folks about you, ya mean?"
"Don't be a jerk. Just tell me."
"Yeah, so I told my mom all about us—all about you—and she said she was glad I told her but that she already knew."
Quick exhale. "And I asked her how she knew and she said I was another person when you were around. She said that you bring out the very best in me." He turned to look at my face.
"What more can you ask for?"
I was stunned and speechless. His mother was okay with me, with him, with him and me?
"And my dad said that as long as you were what I wanted—he was happy. He says he likes you and he likes me better when you're around." He smiled suddenly and glanced over at me, his eyes back on the road seconds later "Man, I must be a real prick when you're not with me."
>
I finally breathed.
"My dad told me that Maggie's a nice girl and she deserves better than a man that's in love with somebody else." He gave me a longer look the second time. "I would have to agree."
I could barely control my excitement.
"So my family is okay, Rachel loved you and you know Jen is crazy about you too, so... they're good and even Michael was cool... I was scared the most about them, but...." He was quiet for a minute and I could only imagine what was going through his mind. "I... it's gonna be okay."
"But Dominic and—"
"Yeah, well, that's probably gonna be gone but I can't—I mean, I tried it their way. I tried to have the girl and be one of the guys and have everything be like I always wanted it but... it's no good."
I reached out for his hand and he took it instantly, lacing his fingers into mine, holding tight. We drove in silence, heading for his place, and I was happy just sitting there beside him. Content to just be with him however he wanted or would let me.
"I slept with Maggie and it was just bad," he said, his voice jarring after the long minutes of quiet. "She was into it and I could tell she was, and I just... I wasn't there. I thought I'd try... to make sure... I'm sure now," he finished, squeezing my hand before he let it go.
"But—"
"And I know I was wrong," he said, pulling over to the curb, parking the SUV in front of his building, in his spot that no one else ever parked in. He was a police officer after all.
"And I know I don't deserve another shot," he told me, unbuckling his seat belt, turning in his seat to face me. "But you gotta give me one. You know you're supposed to belong to me."
I stared into his face and there was no realization or epiphany or anything else. It was simply the truth and I knew it because it hadn't changed. I was stuck on him. I couldn't move forward to someone else because he had my heart. No amount of logic or time or distance would change the fact that I was madly in love with Detective Sam Kage.
"If you send me away I'll just keep coming back. I want you with me all the time."
"And when were you gonna tell me all this? When was I gonna see you if I—"
"Tonight—tomorrow—I don't know, J. I would've come as soon as I got up my nerve to talk to you. It's scary to think you're gonna hear no and you're so stubborn that—"
I raked my hands through my hair. "How could it ever be no, Sam? I—"
He slipped his hand around the back of my neck and pulled me forward into the kiss. My lips parted as he slanted his mouth over mine. He held me tight; his hand fisted in my hair, and he devoured my lips, biting, sucking, and hungry for me. I trembled in his arms and I heard the rumble of satisfaction as his hands ran all over me—my back, my ass, down my legs that he drew forward and wrapped around him.
When he touched my ankle, the pain shot through me and I gasped.
"Oh-oh baby, I'm sorry," he soothed me, kissing me again, his hand on my throat. "Lemme get you inside and we'll get this iced up."
"Kiss me again," I begged him, whimpering, leaning forward.
"Jesus, you should see your eyes and your mouth.... " He trailed off, staring at me. "My beautiful baby... God, I could just look at you all night."
"How 'bout you put me in your bed?"
"That too," he promised. "And I will never let you go." He leaned sideways and kissed me again, this time gently, slowly, like he had all the time in the world. "Oh yeah, you're mine." He smiled wide before he pulled me forward and hugged me tight. "I missed you."
I couldn't speak around the lump in my throat. I just laid my head on his shoulder, hugged him back, and cried. The tears just rolled from my eyes.
"Aww, babe, don't cry." He sighed, pulled back, wiping at my eyes with his fingers. "Don't move."
I watched as he got out, walked around the front of the car, and opened my door to look up at me. I couldn't take my eyes off him.
His long exhale of breath. "I'm sorry I slept with Maggie.
So sorry... please forgive me."
I nodded, reaching for him, and he lifted me down to stand in front of him.
"Did you... was there anybody—"
"No," I cut him off, my voice barely there.
"No one in your bed since me?"
"No."
The look on his face that he couldn't hide, the relief, made me smile. "C'mon, let's go inside."
He basically tucked me next to him and supported my weight, keeping me from putting any pressure on my ankle.
He kissed me in the elevator, in front of his door, and grabbed me once we were inside his apartment. His hands on my face, he was smiling down at me as I stood there.
"You're very happy," I observed because it was obvious.
"I feel good," he confessed, scooping me up and putting me down gently on the couch. "Lemme get you taken care of here."
I sat there and watched him drag out a machine that he filled with ice and water. There were tubes that led to a wrap that he put around my ankle. He talked while he moved around, explaining how he'd torn his meniscus tendon as well as his ACL while he was chasing some guy down an alley.
He'd gotten twisted up in a fence, having the guy's partner push him back while his foot was planted. It sounded painful, and he smiled in agreement. When I was reclined on the couch, my foot elevated on pillows, the wrap pulsing ice water around my ankle, staring at the fire he'd made, I felt really content. I had directed him in the process of making the tea and he was in the kitchen when the thundering knocking came from the front door. I thought I was going to jump right out of my skin.
"Calm down, it's all right," he soothed me, having come out of the kitchen to put both hands on my shoulders. "It's probably Dom."
And as soon as he opened the front door, Dominic shoved past him and crossed the room to me. He looked furious.
"Goddamnit, Sam, what the fuck is going on?" he roared, pointing at me.
"How'dya mean?" Sam asked, smiling at him, closing the door gently behind him.
"Don't fuck with me!"
Sam nodded, walked over, and took my hand. I couldn't stop staring at him.
"I'm keeping him, Dom. I got no choice."
"Why?"
"I—"
"No wait, don't tell me, just—are you kidding with this shit? Sammy." He was desperate suddenly and I heard it in his voice. "You can't be a cop like this. There's no way that you're gonna give it all up for a fuckin' piece of faggot ass?"
Sam dropped my hand and charged over to his friend. He grabbed his jacket tight, his knuckles white. "You don't get to say that shit in front of Jory. You wanna be gone, go—but you don't get to be here in my house and fuckin' insult him. That's not gonna happen."
They stared holes in each other before Sam shoved him back.
"You're not gay, Sam. I would've known that. There's no way I wouldn't know that."
He sighed heavily, raked his fingers through his hair.
"Listen... I tried it with you and my family and the guys and Maggie and everybody else and no Jory. It was fucked-up and I felt like shit every single day. I can't do that anymore, Dom—I can't do it just because it'll make everybody else comfortable. I can't."
He looked at Sam and then me and back to Sam. "And I can't be your partner anymore, Sammy. Not like this. I can't watch you throw away your career over some fuckin' faggot you picked up and—"
"Get out!"
"You better put in for a change of partner tomorrow, Sam!
Tomorrow!"
"Get out!"
Dominic stormed out the front door, throwing it open, letting it slam against the wall and vibrate to a half close. I watched Sam walk over and close it gently, click the dead bolt, and then turn off the light so that only the fire and the light above the stove illuminated the room.
"I'm so sorry," I said softly. "I can—"
He walked to me, dropping to his knees beside the couch, letting me reach for him, pull him close, rest my chin in his hair.
"Sam, maybe I should—
"
"It's like I thought it would be, J." He sighed deeply, clutching me tight, lifting his head to kiss my throat. "There are no surprises with him. My family was a surprise, they've been amazing. I can't expect anymore... it's enough how it is."
"But—"
He chuckled, kissed my jaw, my chin, and then my lips.
"Baby, if what I do in bed is something he cares that much about—I don't know what I can do. Would I throw away our history if the roles were reversed?" He thought a moment. "I dunno... I would hope not, but who knows? I'm not gonna sit here and pass judgment on him, be a hypocrite, 'cause it's something I might have done. I'm just gonna let him go."
"Maggie must've called him like seconds after you left her."
"Probably."
"You're not mad at her?"
"What's to be mad at? It was gonna come out sometime, it's just faster than I thought."
"And tomorrow? What happens when Dominic tells everybody about us?"
He leaned back and looked at me like I was nuts. "Are you kidding? He's not gonna tell anybody. He's just gonna let me request a partner change and leave it at that. Me being gay isn't as bad as him not knowing and being my partner all this time. It's gonna stay quiet until I say something. He'd never say I was gay. People would think he was too."
My relief made me shiver. "Oh thank God. I can—"
"J," he said, cupping my face in his hands, smiling at me.
"I hafta tell my captain, and we'll see what happens after that. For right now, I just wanna be here with you and not think about it."
I nodded.
"Can I sit with you?"
I lost it. The tears came in a flood.
"Oh baby." His voice was like honey as he lifted me up and settled me back down so I was leaning against his chest. He draped his arm over my shoulder, gently rubbing circles over my abdomen. The other hand stroked through my hair, petting me, both movements meant to calm and soothe me.
"Don't cry, everything's gonna be okay."
"You should be losing your mind."
"Why?"
"One day you're straight and the next you're gay.... Jesus, Sam, most guys would be flippin' out. You seriously should be just freaking out."
"I've had time to work through it," he chuckled and I felt the laughter more than I heard it as he kissed my temple, at the same time running his hand over my throat, down under the collar of my sweater to touch my bare skin. "I've bounced back and forth with you enough times to know that, with you around, I'm good."
