Numb

by Arissa Alexston

  I let Nadia mull over my words. I often hated sharing that stupid-ass story. People were often taken aback by the source of my name because of its link to the actor Clark Gable and the movie's other character, Ashley Wilkes. Most thought it cool or cute. However, they didn't know my mom was a struggling addict that had gotten pregnant one too many times than planned. She couldn't care less what impromptu names she gave my siblings and me. It was fucked up that she didn't care enough to put thought into our names.

  "Come on." She took my hand and led me closer to the water's edge. The moon was bright enough for me to see her wide hips as we moved closer to the embankment. "This is beautiful tonight. Too lovely to stay up here and not enjoy it closer to the water. Do you dance?" She snapped her fingers and did a little move that drew my gaze down her body.

  "There's no goddamn music." She might be a little insane. I glanced back at the few cars parked beside mine. "And there might be fucking people watching."

  "So, who cares? They're getting it on in the backset anyway. Look at those foggy windows. Let's dance to an unheard rhythm." She turned to face me and placed a hand on my chest, then grabbed my left hand with her right. In that instant, in that fucking moment, when she stared up at me under the moonlight with playfulness in her gaze, I felt something shift between us. Definitely in me, I wasn't sure about her, but Nadia was full of vivacity. She was life, and like a moth, I'd been drawn to the light inside her. The pull seemed just as powerful as any drug I craved.

  As I drew her close, my body's own chemicals swirled, and I felt a soft haze of elation cloud my mind. I accepted that she would be something monumental in my life whether I wanted her to be or not. Whether our time together was as long or as short as a mouse's breath, it would mean something to me. Her breathing deepened as my hand spanned across her lower back. I could tell my closeness caused her to be uneasy since she had a slight tremble in her grip. She held firm to my hand, and her arm around my waist didn't waver, so I didn't feel as though I was overstepping boundaries.

  I could hear a slow and intimate melody in my head, and I stepped in sync with her as we gazed at each other and moved under the stars. I spun her, loving the refreshed grin filling her face over something so simple. Her happiness was contagious, and I soon found myself laughing along with her as I dipped her low. My large hand fit perfectly in the hollow in her lower back. Even though the shadows hid a lot of her soft features, I could see her. I saw her strong inner and radiant outer beauty blended together so well it became hard to distinguish where one ended and the other began. Nadia was a solid person, good-natured, and I wanted her for myself, even if I wasn't good for her.

  I rose her up from the dip and broke away from her at that sobering thought. A guy like me would hurt her, badly. Her smile faltered and she stepped closer, probably trying to bring me back to the moment. "I'm no good for anyone, Nadia."

  "Gable, stop worrying about how little you think you're worth." She laced her fingers in mine again and gave me a quick peck on my cheek. "You deserve love and fun, like everyone else. No matter what you may think." Love? That had been the first time anyone ever mentioned that word to me without it being attached to money or drugs. Would I even be capable of such a foreign thing? Could anyone be able to feel that way about me?

  Noticing she probably stunted me with the four-letter word, she seemed embarrassed. Nadia turned to walk back to the car, but when she reached the end of my grip I held on tight to her hand without moving. She turned back to look at me in question. I stepped up, with more confidence than I felt, and kissed her deep, taking us both by surprise at my zealous movements. I softly cradled the back of her skull as my tongue danced along her soft lips. I probably seemed like I'd been starving for some type of attention, and fuck, maybe I was. I spent years rejecting any true form of affection. Feeling the innocence of what we shared untainted by chemicals other than what our bodies produced had been the most enriching sense of companionship I ever felt.

  I pulled her to me, relishing in the feel of her thick curves against my body. Her tongue hesitantly slipped out to grace mine, and lusty thoughts of claiming her bombarded my mind. I told myself before that she wasn't my type, and I had never been turned on by thick hips and cocoa curves before. Now, all that changed, I wanted her so damn bad, and it took everything in me not to come off strong as a man with no self-control. I pressed my hips against her pelvis so she could feel how rock hard she made my cock. Nadia pulled back and gazed into my eyes. Too fast, calm down. I could barely see hers under the moonlight, but it didn't dull the connection I thought had been growing between us. She beamed and tickled my beard with her fingers. "Come on, Romeo. We better get home before Celeste wakes up and worries when we aren’t there. You know she rises early."

  I watched the swish of her ass and knew for certain this woman would cause me to fucking lose my shit, or rather, get my shit together.

  Chapter Six

  I sat at the table after my morning run, drank my orange juice and responded to Vashton and Rysten's group text. I seemed in better spirits this morning, and it had a lot to do with me wanting to catch a glimpse of Nadia before the day began. After those few hours with her in the early morning, I didn't want to part, but I'd reluctantly let her go to bed after she told me of her full day to come. I'd spent the following hours fantasizing about her and all the tantalizing positions I wanted to put her in. After some time, I couldn't staunch the throbbing erection my racy visions had caused. I'd had to fucking rub one out before I did something stupid, like pace the hallway outside her door.

  I was surprised I had energy to run when the sun broke the horizon. However, I wanted to stick to routine and keep myself focused on my recovery and the true reason I came to Macon. Aunt Celeste stood at my back, cooking bacon, eggs, and biscuits against my protests. She definitely missed cooking for a houseful of teenage boys. For a passionate cook, gaining full custody of the hungry Duke Brothers had to have made her jovial. Now, with all of us living separate lives and barely visiting, her pastime seemed to have kicked into full force with my vast appetite.

  She chattered away about local church functions and how some people from the congregation were not doing their Christian duty about this or that. Nadia blazed in wearing a vibrant, soft-green sweater and crazy print mini-skirt. More leg had been visible than I'd ever seen on her and I had to shift myself to adjust my hardened cock. She looked like some modest but sexy Suzy Homemaker out of an old magazine, and the darkness inside me craved to take a good girl and introduce her chest to the kitchen tabletop as I rammed into her from behind. I'd fuck this old-fashioned girl into the current decade.

  My body temperature rose as my fantasies once again emerged. I smiled at her, hoping it didn't come across too predatory, but she returned a shy smirk when our eyes met. Aunt Celeste acknowledged her, and Nadia juggled three giant books in her arms as she swung the refrigerator open. She bent over to grab a cup of yogurt and…holy fuck! Her pert ass was up in the air, begging for me to step up and drive my cock in her slit. The skirt hiking up another foot exposed more of her back thighs and pulled a low growl from my throat. I gnawed on my bottom lip. She met my eyes over the top of the fridge door when she must've felt me watching. Goddamn, she was fucking teasing me.

  "You guys don't burn the house down," my aunt said nonchalantly over the sizzle of hot grease.

  Nadia stood abruptly, and I cringed, thinking we were caught eye-fucking and flirting. When I looked over my shoulder at Aunt Celeste, she still had her back to me while working the stove. I cleared my throat. "What, Aunt Celeste?"

  She huffed and turned back around and gave me an irritated look. "Have you not been listening to me at all? I have an unexpected church function out of state for three days, and I know you haven't been too particular on Nadia, but try not to kill each other and burn my house down." She glanced at Nadia before turning back to continue pushing the bacon around in the skillet.

  I met Nadia's laughing gaze and winked at her. She
shook her head and turned away to hide her full-blown smile. "Well, I'm off to class. Bye, Celeste! Safe travels, and see you when you get back." She stuck her tongue out at me in good humor, and I couldn't help but chuckle, nearly choking on my next sip of juice.

  "Bye, Nadia," my aunt called out. At the sound of the front door closing, Aunt Celeste made a scrapping noise which alerted me to her removing the bacon from the skillet. "Be nice to that girl. She has enough on her plate already with school and working at Mike's Barbeque Shack. She doesn't need your hateful nature putting more pressure on her." My aunt poked my shoulder to drive in her teasing point, all the while bringing a smile from my lips.

  "All right. Yes, ma'am. I'll be good." I sat my phone down and let my thoughts wonder. As good as I could be, but there were no promises. I wanted to put "pressure" on Nadia all right, and not in the way my aunt thought.

  ****

  I dropped Aunt Celeste off at the church later that afternoon, hugged her while promising I would take care of myself. Her serious gaze had been full of worry as she watched me load her luggage in the passenger bus's undercarriage. I wanted to prove I wasn't some fragile bird that would die as soon as she left the nest. I was a man, albeit a man in recovery, but I could take care of myself without someone breathing down my neck. I wanted to stay sober, I did. She almost seemed to rethink her trip on my behalf in fear I would relapse. I had to promise her that there weren't any triggers in Macon to get her to consider going again. I was truly on the mend with my life, and I meant that—even if I still struggled mentally. After a few of her warnings to call if I needed to talk, I finally convinced her to get on the bus.

  I drove back to the house and watched cooking TV shows for a few hours until my hunger got the best of me. With Georgia's greatest cook out saving souls, if I wanted to eat I had to get my ass motivated to fix it myself or buy it. I glanced at the clock; it was well past the dinner rush and trailed close to closing time for a lot of places on a weeknight. However, I knew I would be well taken care of if I went to the best barbeque joint in Macon. I hopped into my car and drove the familiar streets toward Mike's Barbeque Shack and pulled into the parking lot, a few slots away from Nadia's blue Honda. A minute later, I opened the wooden front door, flinching at the annoying cowbells tied to the handle. My gaze scanned over the familiar rustic establishment, while my nose took in the smell of smoked meat and secret barbeque spices.

  I met the stare of the blonde hostess and she smiled brightly, batted her eyes at me, and grabbed a menu. "Just one?"

  "Yeah, can I have Nadia's section?"

  The hostess's smile faded a bit. "Sure, right this way." I followed her to the left side of the restaurant, and she placed me in a booth and set the menu in front of me. "She'll be right with you." The pert waitress walked off as I focused on the menu to see if Mike's went through a food change since I'd last been there. When I noticed things were still the same, I pushed the menu to the side and sat back to wait for Nadia.

  She appeared a moment later and greeted me with a dazzling smile. With her looking at me that way, I felt like I amounted to someone for the first time in my life. I took a minute to observe and take her all in. Even though she wore Mike's customary, drab, navy polo and black slacks, she found some way to weave color into her attire. Her vintage glasses were a bright pink to compliment her rainbow head band that kept her ebony hair up and out of her face. Her neutral tone lipstick didn't distract me from staring at her full and kissable lips that were curled up in inviting way.

  "Hey you," she said, pen poised over her pad.

  Her silky voice pulled some big wave of happiness from some unknown place deep inside of me. A small fissure of light seemed to split the darkness, and I dreamed about having a life full of happiness and acceptance. Nadia started to chip away at something encasing my heart that I thought had hardened into a shell of despair. Everything in me screamed to run from her, but I craved her like a new hit. I feared denying myself this new high might cause me to really break.

  "Hey, I'll have water, the half-rack of the Secret Smoked Bourbon Ribs, grilled corn, and a twice-baked potato."

  She didn't bother to write it down, but nodded at me as she slipped the notepad in her pocket. "You got it." She reached for the menu, and I touched her small hand because I needed to caress her soft skin. She met my gaze and we were entranced in the moment, my eyes locked with hers. I tumbled head-first into her because she seemed like she wouldn't judge me or make me feel any less than a man. A million thoughts raced through my head about what this meant for me. I wanted to be her man and the one person she could depend on because I wanted her in my life. The fact that Nadia wanted to be an anchor for me in a moment when I was ready to throw sobriety away had carved a permanent spot for her in my heart. The hell with anyone else and the negative shit, I wanted to be better for her.

  Someone dropped a cup in the kitchen and broke our moment. Nadia took the menu, my hand slipping away gently. The abrupt noise cleared my off-kilter thoughts, and for that I was grateful. Those spelled moments scared me more than anything. Is that what falling for someone felt like?

  "You plan to get off any time soon?" My unexpected question took her off guard, and she stammered on her answer before I realized my question seemed a bit sexually suggestive. I found it cute that I caused her to blush. The wholly masculine side of me wanted to explore that a whole lot more.

  She rubbed the back of her neck and licked her lips. "I'm done in an hour."

  "Good, I'll wait and follow you home." What the hell? Since when did I follow girls home from work? When did I care enough about someone else's wellbeing that I wanted to? Why had I been trying to convince myself I needed to change who I was for her?

  I mulled everything over in my head, sat and thought on why I let some whimsical woman detour me from making important life altering decisions. I hadn't even thought about my bar, if I wanted to sell or expand. I hadn't figured out about leasing the condo I'd shared with Amy and what to do with all our joint shit sitting there collecting dust. And if I wanted to work things out with a woman I had history with instead of someone new shifting the very groundwork I deemed familiar territory. Hell, I had to make sure I didn't fall off the wagon again and really give this sobriety shit a chance. I needed to focus and stay on track, there wasn't any doubt I could fall for a girl like Nadia.

  As someone who knew nothing about love or what the fuck it entailed, I didn't want to get caught up and live to regret the choices I made either for my sake or hers. I could seriously fuck up and could be two breaths away from using again or being that guy who didn't give a shit about someone else's feelings. Shit, I had been close to using the night her date's predatory words triggered my trauma. Where would that leave a new sober-based relationship? Living a carefree life had been what got me in trouble in the first place. I needed structure, and I don't think I would get it fucking around with Nadia.

  I hardly recalled her bringing my meal, asking me if I needed anything, or how the food tasted. I'd shut the door on her again, flipped the switch to cold and let her realize that the Gable she'd sneaked a peek at was now no longer emotionally available. I sat back with a full belly and realized I'd eaten my entire meal in stony silence as my thoughts once again robbed me of happiness. The more I felt like changing for her, the more it scared the shit out of me.

  I knew exactly what I was doing, and while a part of me felt bad for shutting her out. I'd be potentially turning down the one I wanted more than any other woman, any drug, or bottle of vodka. She was a new life, a change in course, a way of breaking free of these chains. I looked for her and saw her standing behind the bar, chatting with another female waitress as they cleaned the wood top. Nadia glanced my way, but I broke eye contact first. Fuck, I didn't even have a label for what she stirred in me. After last night, and that world-altering kiss, she'd been receptive, and the ball was in my court. I sighed in defeat. I couldn't get serious with her, not when my first plan had been to wait until Amy was re
ady to see me and start over. Nadia wasn't a part of my future plans. Then why are you still looking at her?

  Angry at my lack of self-control, I rose up, and dropped bills on the table. Without looking in her direction, I exited the smokehouse, got in my car, and started the engine. I planned to blow off my escort promise, but first I needed to reaffirm the foundation for the original plan.

  Amy.

  I fished my phone out my pocket and shot another text to Amy. It had been days since I sent her any messages, but I had to convince myself she was the end goal. Even if I didn't believe it anymore. I typed out the text quickly and read over it before hitting send.

  Please just answer me. I'm confused where we stand and need to get my life together for our future.

  She owed me a simple conversation at least. I'd reached out to her initially because she was familiar territory and predictable. All this unknown emotional terrain with Nadia made me question myself. What could I possibly offer her in the way of a healthy relationship?

  A soft tap on my window caused me to look up and tuck my phone out of sight. Nadia stood outside my window bundled in a windbreaker. Shifting from foot to foot, her stoic face offered a frown, and she had been waiting for me to speak. After a slight pause, I rolled the window down but held my tongue.

  "I'm off." She rocked on her heels and chewed her bottom lip as she gazed at me.

  "All right."

  She stood there for a minute, glaring at me, before turning and walking toward her car. I looked away, refusing to watch her ass, which usually captivated my attention. Even if the pants showed a lot more than her eccentric dresses did. My end goal in life couldn't be her, not even a fleeting fuck was a good idea. Nadia gave clear signals she wasn't that type of girl. I'd mentally fuck her up, and I didn't want that over my head. Not her, she couldn't be like everything else I soured in my life.