Adventures with the Wife in Space

by Neil Perryman

  Whoniversity: The place where Whovians go to learn about Doctor Who

  Whomanities: Subject studied by Whovians at Whoniversity

  WHONICEF: Whovians’ charity of choice

  Whomus: Whovians’ favourite chickpea-based dip

  Whola-hoops: Whovians’ favourite starch-based snack

  Whors d’oeuvres: Warm-up act for John Levene

  Whooping cough: Crippling affliction suffered by Whovians just as they’re about to ask their favourite Doctor a probing question at a convention

  Whonicycle: When you can’t afford a Whomobile

  Whomour: Cognitive experience which provokes laughter, sense of which is sorely lacking in most Whovians

  Whonanimous: When two or more Whovians agree (very rare)

  Whotenanny: 1. Party thrown by Whovians every 23 November. 2. (slang usage) Whovian’s childminder

  WhoTube: A place where Whovians flirt with copyright law

  Whooters: The place where Whovians go to get drunk

  Whomiliation: Season 24

  Whoniqueness: The dissimilarity of Doctor Who to any other television programme (as in ‘the whonique appeal of Doctor Who’).

  Pet Shop Boys: Whovians’ favourite pop group

  Whotopia: A mythical place where brand-new episodes of Doctor Who are endlessly and continuously broadcast

  Whomanoid: Someone resembling a Whovian (but you’re not quite sure)

  Whogenot: Sixteenth-century French Protestant Whovian

  Who and cry: Historically, what Whovians raised when pursuing a thief

  Whoer: A Whovian prostitute; see also Whonisex, Whorinary infection

  Appendix 2: Sue’s Scores

  The First Doctor, William Hartnell

  ‘An Unearthly Child’: The Doctor doesn’t get a look in. He’s horrible. 7/10

  ‘10,000 BC’: Stone Age nonsense. 4/10

  ‘The Daleks’: They should have called the show Ian. 3/10

  ‘The Edge of Destruction’: It wasn’t boring. 2/10

  ‘Marco Polo’: It’s a shame it’s missing. 6/10

  ‘The Keys of Marinus’: The acting was dreadful. 4/10

  ‘The Aztecs’: Pretty good. 7/10

  ‘The Sensorites’: If that’s the worst you can throw at me we’ll be fine. 5/10

  ‘The Reign of Terror’: If I want to see a revolution, I can turn on the news. 4/10

  ‘Planet of Giants’: I like it when the story is self-contained. 7/10

  ‘The Dalek Invasion of Earth’: I’m really torn over this one. 7/10

  ‘The Rescue’: The plot was practically non-existent. 3/10

  ‘The Romans’: Definitely the best one so far. 8/10

  ‘The Web Planet’: I would have given it a 0 if it weren’t for the Spanish episode. 1/10

  ‘The Crusade’: It was very well made and it didn’t outstay its welcome. 7/10

  ‘The Space Museum’: It was too ahead of its time. 6/10

  ‘The Chase’: I’m getting a bit bored of the Daleks. 5/10

  ‘The Time Meddler’: It’s the most enjoyable story so far. 9/10

  ‘Galaxy 4’: Not very good. 2/10

  ‘Mission to the Unknown’: It reminded me of Babylon 5. 6/10

  ‘The Myth Makers’: The fans should spend more time looking for this one. 8/10

  ‘The Daleks’ Master Plan’: Some of it was rubbish and some of it was good. 5/10

  ‘The Massacre’: A confusing story with a really stupid twist. 2/10

  ‘The Ark’: The Monoids let it down; they were too silly for words. 5/10

  ‘The Celestial Toymaker’: Complete shite. 0/10

  ‘The Gunfighters’: We could watch it again! 8/10

  ‘The Savages’: For a recon, it was surprisingly engaging. 7/10

  ‘The War Machines’: It didn’t really feel like Doctor Who. 6/10

  ‘The Smugglers’: I’ll have forgotten it by next week. 5/10

  ‘The Tenth Planet’: Is that it? 3/10

  The Second Doctor, Patrick Troughton

  ‘The Power of the Daleks’: Definitely the best Dalek story so far. 8/10

  ‘The Highlanders’: I’ve seen a lot worse. 5/10

  ‘The Underwater Menace’: That was bonkers. 2/10

  ‘The Moonbase’: The Doctor needs to buck his ideas up. 6/10

  ‘The Macra Terror’: I’m not convinced it would be better if it existed. 7/10

  ‘The Faceless Ones’: I finally feel like I’m watching Doctor Who. 9/10

  ‘The Evil of the Daleks’: A game of two halves. 6/10

  ‘The Tomb of the Cybermen’: A bit racist. 4/10

  ‘The Abominable Snowmen’: I feel sorry for the Yeti. 7/10

  ‘The Ice Warriors’: Enjoyable. 7/10

  ‘The Enemy of the World’: A bit silly. 6/10

  ‘The Web of Fear’: Pretty scary. 8/10

  ‘Fury from the Deep’: Good script, good performances, and scary monsters. 8/10

  ‘The Wheel in Space’: Flabby, drawn-out rubbish. 2/10

  ‘The Dominators’: Dreadful. 1/10

  ‘The Mind Robber’: It’s the dog off The Thing! 7/10

  ‘The Invasion’: Probably the most enjoyable story so far. 9/10

  ‘The Krotons’: It was only four episodes and it moved. 6/10

  ‘The Seeds of Death’: They’ve got this ‘base under siege’ thing down pat, now. 7/10

  ‘The Space Pirates’: Well, that was shit. 1/10

  ‘The War Games’: Epic. 9/10

  The Third Doctor, Jon Pertwee

  ‘Spearhead from Space’: Wonderful. 10/10

  ‘Doctor Who and the Silurians’: Excellent. 9/10

  ‘The Ambassadors of Death’: Too long! 6/10

  ‘Inferno’: The alternative reality was fascinating. 8/10

  ‘Terror of the Autons’: Short. Colour. Nice. 8/10

  ‘The Mind of Evil’: The Master is rubbish. 5/10

  ‘The Claws of Axos’: This would definitely work today. 7/10

  ‘Colony in Space’: It went a bit mad towards the end. 6/10

  ‘The Daemons’: It didn’t know what it wanted to be. 4/10

  ‘Day of the Daleks’: What’s not to like? 9/10

  ‘The Curse of Peladon’: Peladon is a shit-hole. 4/10

  ‘The Sea Devils’: One of the better Pertwees. 7/10

  ‘The Mutants’: I enjoyed that. 7/10

  ‘The Time Monster’: A good end to the season. 8/10

  ‘The Three Doctors’: I need to watch it again. 5/10

  ‘Carnival of Monsters’: Very good indeed. 9/10

  ‘Frontier in Space’: I can’t believe it isn’t over yet. 6/10

  ‘Planet of the Daleks’: Average. 5/10

  ‘The Green Death’: Very adult in places. 9/10

  ‘The Time Warrior’: Just stick your finger in his vent! 7/10

  ‘Invasion of the Dinosaurs’: Quite edgy. 8/10

  ‘Death to the Daleks’: The music killed it. 5/10

  ‘The Monster of Peladon’: Tedious. 2/10

  ‘Planet of the Spiders’: I won’t be disappointed to see him go. 7/10

  The Fourth Doctor, Tom Baker

  ‘Robot’: The story was pants. 5/10

  ‘The Ark in Space’: Tom Baker was brilliant. 7/10

  ‘The Sontaran Experiment’: Too short. 5/10

  ‘Genesis of the Daleks’: Excellent. 9/10

  ‘Revenge of the Cybermen’: A load of old rubbish. 3/10

  ‘Terror of the Zygons’: It had a lot going for it. 7/10

  ‘Planet of Evil’: The guy who played the commander was hopeless. 5/10

  ‘Pyramids of Mars’: I’d like less gobbledegook and more drama. 7/10

  ‘The Android Invasion’: It fell apart at the end. 5/10

  ‘The Brain of Morbius’: Some of the dialogue was priceless. 8/10

  ‘The Seeds of Doom’: It can’t get any better than that. 10/10

  ‘The Masque of Mandragora’: Very accessible. 9/10

  ‘T
he Hand of Fear’: Good, very good, good, shit, really shit, then excellent. 6/10

  ‘The Deadly Assassin’: The first three episodes were perfect. 8/10

  ‘The Face of Evil’: Something was missing … 4/10

  ‘The Robots of Death’: It didn’t make any sense. 5/10

  ‘The Talons of Weng-Chiang’: I’ll knock some marks off for the casual racism. 8/10

  ‘Horror of Fang Rock’: I really enjoyed that. 9/10

  ‘The Invisible Enemy’: A terrible mess. 4/10

  ‘Image of the Fendahl’: I’ve forgotten it already. 2/10

  ‘The Sun Makers’: The script was very witty. 6/10

  ‘Underworld’: Am I allowed to give negative scores? 1/10

  ‘The Invasion of Time’: Oh dear. 0/10

  ‘The Ribos Operation’: It’s not perfect, but it’s pretty close. 9/10

  ‘The Pirate Planet’: An imaginative mess. 6/10

  ‘The Stones of Blood’: I really enjoyed that. 8/10

  ‘The Androids of Tara’: I don’t think there was a bad performance. 9/10

  ‘The Power of Kroll’: If K9 had been in it I might have given it an eight. 7/10

  ‘The Armageddon Factor’: They had months to get that right … 4/10

  ‘Destiny of the Daleks’: I hated that. 2/10

  ‘City of Death’: That was faultless. 10/10

  ‘The Creature from the Pit’: Killed by a giant cock and balls … 2/10

  ‘Nightmare of Eden’: The premise was great and it kept me guessing. 7/10

  ‘The Horns of Nimon’: I think they all need a good lie down. 5/10

  ‘The Leisure Hive’: Too much style and not enough substance. 6/10

  ‘Meglos’: Well, that was shit. 2/10

  ‘Full Circle’: I like Adric. So there. 7/10

  ‘State of Decay’: I loved the set design. 7/10

  ‘Warriors Gate’: I didn’t understand it, but I don’t care. 8/10

  ‘The Keeper of Traken’: Tedious. 3/10

  ‘Logopolis’: Disappointing. 4/10

  The Fifth Doctor, Peter Davison

  ‘Castrovalva’: Quite profound in places. 8/10

  ‘Four to Doomsday’: Tedious bollocks. 1/10

  ‘Kinda’: I liked it but I didn’t understand it. 7/10

  ‘The Visitation’: That was crap. 3/10

  ‘Black Orchid’: Rubbish. 2/10

  ‘Earthshock’: Excellent. 9/10

  ‘Time-Flight’: I’d like to give the captain one. 1/10

  ‘Arc of Infinity’: I can’t forgive the chicken but I’ve seen worse. 7/10

  ‘Snakedance’: Nothing special. 5/10

  ‘Mawdryn Undead’: Very, very good. 9/10

  ‘Terminus’: A shambles. 3/10

  ‘Enlightenment’: Hire more women. 9/10

  ‘The King’s Demons’: Rushed. 5/10

  ‘The Five Doctors’: That was fun. 7/10

  ‘Warriors of the Deep’: It pulled itself together at the end. 4/10

  ‘The Awakening’: The plot wasn’t good enough. 3/10

  ‘Frontios’: They were trying to do something different. 7/10

  ‘Resurrection of the Daleks’: Needlessly complex but fun. 8/10

  ‘Planet of Fire’: One of the better Master stories. 7/10

  ‘The Caves of Androzani’: Fabulous. 9/10

  The Sixth Doctor, Colin Baker

  ‘The Twin Dilemma’: What were they thinking? 1/10

  ‘Attack of the Cybermen’: All over the place. 6/10

  ‘Vengeance on Varos’: A nice change of pace. 8/10

  ‘Mark of the Rani’: A boring mess. 3/10

  ‘The Two Doctors’: Very funny. 7/10

  ‘Timelash’: Horrendous. 2/10

  ‘Revelation of the Daleks’: The Doctor did bugger all. 4/10

  ‘Trial of a Time Lord – The Mysterious Planet’: I’ve seen it all before. 6/10

  ‘Trial of a Time Lord – Mindwarp’: Shocking. 8/10

  ‘Trial of a Time Lord – Terror of the Vervoids’: Mel was great. 7/10

  ‘Trial of a Time Lord – The Ultimate Foe’: I don’t get it. 5/10

  The Seventh Doctor, Sylvester McCoy

  ‘Time and the Rani’: Irredeemable. −1/10

  ‘Paradise Towers’: The concept was better than the execution. 6/10

  ‘Delta and the Bannermen’: It got on my tits. 2/10

  ‘Dragonfire’: Cheap. 3/10

  ‘Remembrance of the Daleks’: I’d happily watch that again. 9/10

  ‘The Happiness Patrol’: That was very profound. 7/10

  ‘Silver Nemesis’: Worse than dreadful. 0/10

  ‘The Greatest Show in the Galaxy’: I can see what they were trying to do. 8/10

  ‘Battlefield’: Shame. 4/10

  ‘Ghost Light’: Very clever. 8/10

  ‘The Curse of Fenric’: Exciting. 8/10

  ‘Survival’: Almost perfect. 9/10

  The Eighth Doctor, Paul McGann

  The TV Movie: Brilliant. 9/10

  Appendix 3: Statistics

  Appendix 4: Sue’s Best and Worst

  The following stories all scored at least 9/10:

  ‘The Time Meddler’ (William Hartnell)

  ‘The Faceless Ones’ (Patrick Troughton)

  ‘The Invasion’ (Patrick Troughton)

  ‘The War Games’ (Patrick Troughton)

  ‘Spearhead from Space’ (Jon Pertwee)

  ‘Doctor Who and the Silurians’ (Jon Pertwee)

  ‘Day of the Daleks’ (Jon Pertwee)

  ‘Carnival of Monsters’ (Jon Pertwee)

  ‘The Green Death’ (Jon Pertwee)

  ‘Genesis of the Daleks’ (Tom Baker)

  ‘The Seeds of Doom’ (Tom Baker)

  ‘The Masque of Mandragora’ (Tom Baker)

  ‘Horror of Fang Rock’ (Tom Baker)

  ‘The Ribos Operation’ (Tom Baker)

  ‘The Androids of Tara’ (Tom Baker)

  ‘City of Death’ (Tom Baker)

  ‘Earthshock’ (Peter Davison)

  ‘Enlightenment’ (Peter Davison)

  ‘The Caves of Androzani’ (Peter Davison)

  ‘Remembrance of the Daleks’ (Sylvester McCoy)

  ‘Survival’ (Sylvester McCoy)

  The following stories all scored 2/10 or less:

  ‘The Edge of Destruction’ (William Hartnell)

  ‘The Web Planet’ (William Hartnell)

  ‘Galaxy 4’ (William Hartnell)

  ‘The Massacre’ (William Hartnell)

  ‘The Celestial Toymaker’ (William Hartnell)

  ‘The Underwater Menace’ (Patrick Troughton)

  ‘The Dominators’ (Patrick Troughton)

  ‘The Wheel in Space’ (Patrick Troughton)

  ‘The Space Pirates’ (Patrick Troughton)

  ‘The Monster of Peladon’ (Jon Pertwee)

  ‘Image of the Fendahl’ (Tom Baker)

  ‘Underworld’ (Tom Baker)

  ‘The Invasion of Time’ (Tom Baker)

  ‘Destiny of the Daleks’ (Tom Baker)

  ‘The Creature from the Pit’ (Tom Baker)

  ‘Meglos’ (Tom Baker)

  ‘Four to Doomsday’ (Peter Davison)

  ‘Black Orchid’ (Peter Davison)

  ‘Time-Flight’ (Peter Davison)

  ‘The Twin Dilemma’ (Colin Baker)

  ‘Timelash’ (Colin Baker)

  ‘Time and the Rani’ (Sylvester McCoy)

  ‘Delta and the Bannermen’ (Sylvester McCoy)

  ‘Silver Nemesis’ (Sylvester McCoy)

  Acknowledgements

  Thanks to my editor, confidant and mentor, the incredible Mr Andy Miller. Not only did he get this book off the ground, he safely landed it again after I plunged it into a nosedive. His skill, generosity, wit and friendship are the only reasons it didn’t explode in mid-air, killing everyone instantly. For that, and for everything else he did for me on this unforgettable journey, I am deeply grateful.

  Thanks to Hannah Gr
iffiths, Julian Loose, John Grindrod, Kate Burton, Anne Owen, James Rose, Trevor Horwood and everyone at Faber and Faber for believing in this book, and for being patient with me when the deadline went a bit timey-wimey.

  Special thanks to ‘The Three Johns’: John Williams, Jonathan Grove and John Paul Green. Splendid chaps. All of them.

  Thanks to Toby Hadoke and Rob Shearman for inspiring me to watch Doctor Who from the very beginning, and to Steven Schapansky for showing me when to stop.

  Thanks to Glen Allen for his brilliant trailers; Ian Berriman for his tireless tweets; Simon Harries for his acts of kindness; Bob Fischer for his Frazer Hines B-sides; Gary Thompson for being such a good sport; Michael Ferrier for his bar graphs; and John Callaghan, Alison Eales, Alexander Kershaw, Peter Lack, Dave Sanders, Ben Swithen and Andrew Torrance for their songs.

  I would also like to thank the following people for their support and encouragement: George Alabaster, Mark Ayres, Louis Barfe, Matthew Bartley, Daniel Blythe, Joe Carter, Lewis Christian, Joanne Clayton, Jenny Colgan, Frank Collins, Nathan Cooke, Paul Cornell, Paul Darrow, Kevin Jon Davies, Robert Dick, Nev Fountain, Siobhan Gallichan, Richard Garlick, Gary Gillatt, Ian Greaves, Derek Handley (both of them), Lynne Hardy, Andrew Harrison, Iain Hepburn, Matt Hills, Paul Jones, A. L. Kennedy, Graham Kibble-White, Paul Kirkley, Stephen La Rivière, Joe Lidster, Steven Moffat, Angela Morris, Jonathan Morris, my mum, Steve O’Brien, Andrew Orton, Dave Owen, Damon Querry, Radio Free Skaro, Rob Ritchie, Gareth Roberts, Steve Roberts, Royston Robertson, Dave Rolinson, Philip Sandifer, Jim Sangster, Matthew Sawyer, Paul Scoones, Andrew T. Smith, Matthew Sweet, Shirley Tindle, Mr Treacle, Phil Ware, Matt West, Auntie Celia Weston, Alex Wilcock, Roobarb’s forum, and everyone who has contributed to the Wife in Space blog. Yes, even perfidious Steve (real name: Graham).

  And last, but definitely not least, I dedicate this book to Sue and Nicol. You were both fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. And do you know what? So were the cats.

  About the Author

  Neil Perryman fell in love with Doctor Who when he was 3 years old and 40 years later, he still can’t stop thinking about it. Neil has also been responsible for a number of popular websites over the last 10 years, including ‘Tachyon TV’ and ‘Behind the Sofa’. He lives in County Durham with Sue and her daughter, Nicol.