Let Me Hold You

by Alexandria House

  “Don’t start that again. I want to work here.”

  “Yeah, I know.” He sighed into the phone. “So you’re really not coming to my games? For real, Mama? What you got to do besides that job that’s so important?”

  There’s this man that I’m crazy in love with and I like spending every waking hour with him and I want to go to his games and cheer him on even if I have to wear a wig and shades to do it because he’s just that important to me. “Nothing, I…I’m gonna try to make as many as I can. I’ll definitely be at the one here in St. Louis.”

  “Good. That’s next week. Hey, let’s go out to eat afterwards.”

  “Okay, that’d be great! You know I’ve been missing you.”

  “You could at least come visit me sometimes, Ma. You know?”

  “I know, and I will. Love you, Boogie.”

  “Love you, too, Mama.”

  After I ended the call, I sat back in my chair and blew out a breath, I loved my son, but I’d spent years up until that point centering my world and my every action around him. He was used to that, so it made sense that he expected the status quo—me following him around, watching him play even after I moved back to St. Louis—to stand. But I didn’t want that anymore. Things had changed, unbeknownst to him. He was still important to me, but he wasn’t my world anymore. I was focused on my own happiness for once, and an integral part of that was Leland. The responsible thing to do would be to tell Armand the truth, that I was in a new relationship with a wonderful man whom I adored and that I wanted to spend time building on that, but fear obscured my view of what was right, what needed to happen.

  I sat there for a few more minutes, mulling over everything in my life and wondering if being with Leland was the right decision to make, experiencing those old familiar feelings of doubt again. I mean, anything I felt I needed to keep a secret couldn’t be right, could it?’

  It’s the secrecy that’s wrong, not the love.

  That thought made me shake my head at myself. My life had been so ridiculously messed up that I had a skewed view of what was good and appropriate. Of course being in love with Leland wasn’t wrong. Being afraid of my son’s reaction to it was. But shit, I couldn’t help it. I just…couldn’t, and to be honest, not only did I know I was frustrating Leland, I was frustrating the hell out of myself.

  As my phone chimed with a text, I closed my eyes and sighed. Soon. I’ll tell Armand soon.

  Letting my eyes fall to my phone, I read the text from Leland: U have no idea how much I love u.

  As I typed out, I love you more, I decided I’d tell Armand about me and Leland when he was in town the next week, over dinner.

  Or at least I’d try.

  *****

  The night of the Cyclones vs. Heat game, I found myself faced with a dilemma. Armand had sent me tickets for seats located on the visitor’s side—third row from the floor, right behind the team’s bench, which, of course, wasn’t really a bench. Leland had given me and Zabrina season tickets right behind the Cyclones’ team seats. Leland’s tickets were better, but it would look really strange to my son for me to sit there instead of using the tickets he’d sent me. Plus, he sent three, including one for Zabrina’s man. It just made more sense to use those. I could only hope Leland would understand that and not be insulted that I wasn’t sitting where he expected me to, because my coward ass didn’t tell him I’d be using Armand’s seats. Hell, he didn’t even know he’d sent tickets to me.

  Yeah, I was fucking things up and I knew it.

  Anyway, we arrived early, grabbed some food from concessions, and settled in our seats in time to watch the players warm up. My eyes darted from one end of the court to the other, taking in the awesome athleticism and skill of both my son with his low-cut fade and my man with his thick hair pulled up in a messy ponytail. Like always, I couldn’t believe I created a person who was as talented as my Armand and wondered where in the world he got it from. I would say his father, but I honestly wasn’t sure. We weren’t together long enough for me to learn much of anything about him. Malcolm Daniels was older, twenty-five or twenty-six to my fifteen, a neighborhood drug dealer who showered me with gifts in exchange for me not asking him any questions about…anything, but who had no time or need for kids. So he quickly dismissed me when he found out I was carrying his child but came back around from time to time during the first few years of Armand’s life, even gave him his last name. We had a very volatile on-again-off-again relationship until Armand was about five when I finally came to my senses and got tired of him kicking my ass when the mood hit him. Then I moved from him to Shawn, a local radio disc jockey old enough to be my father who drank like a fish and kicked my ass on the side. After him was Dre—the man Armand had to peel off me.

  “Damn, Armand looks good out there!” Garner, Zabrina’s man, declared.

  I peered over at him sitting on the other side of Zabrina and smiled. “He always does. He’s just got it, you know? Always has.”

  “Yeah, he’s been a star since he was a little boy,” Zabrina said.

  “True,” I agreed.

  “And Leland? Damn. This is gonna be some game,” she added under her breath. I guess I was supposed to believe Garner didn’t know about me and Leland. Yeah, right.

  My response was to nod. Leland was definitely talented, too. So yeah, this was going to be an awesome game.

  While on the floor, Armand did a quick search of the area where we were seated and then grinned, giving me a salute and making me feel like he was back in high school when I wouldn’t dare miss a game and happily sat amongst the other parents with my chest puffed out with pride. I was proud of my boy, always would be, and seeing that smile on his face gave me confirmation that I’d made the right seating decision. Then my eyes slid to the opposite end of the court where I could see Leland doing the same thing, peering into the area where I would have sat if I’d used the tickets he’d gifted to me. My heart sank as he stared for so long a team member had to tap him on the shoulder to get his attention.

  I sighed, returning my attention to the Heat’s warm-up until both teams left the floor.

  “I’ma go get some more beer. Y’all want anything?” Garner offered.

  Zabrina and I gave him our requests, and after he left, my cousin turned and looked me dead in the eye, then pulled me into a hug. “Girl, I am so proud of you!”

  With a slight frown, I asked, “For what? Armand? Girl, you know I didn’t give him those skills.”

  “No, for bagging Leland McClain. Seeing him out there in action? Damn! Just how fine can one man be?”

  “Do you know how many times you’ve told me that Leland is fine, Z?”

  “Shit, do you know how fine he is?”

  “Uh, yeah. I see him naked all the time.”

  “Got damn.”

  “Child…”

  “It’s just wrong for him to look like he looks. Hey, you know what? Y’all need to come have dinner with me and Garner sometimes!”

  “First of all, Garner knows about us?”

  In response, she gave me a sheepish look and a shrug.

  “Second, I’m not bringing him to your house so you can thirst for him in my face. I love you, Z, but you already know I will kick your ass over my man.”

  “Damn, what you think I’ma do? Rape him?”

  “Uh, yeah!”

  We stared at each other for a second and then both burst into laughter. We were an odd pair who shared a sick sense of humor, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

  “Well, you could at least bring him to one of my shows. I got that residency at Plush that I auditioned for.”

  “You did?! That’s great, Z!”

  “Yeah, so you gonna bring him?”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  As Zabrina went about the business of snapping an obligatory “I’m at an NBA game and I got a good seat” selfie, I pulled my own phone out with the intentions of quickly browsing Instagram and found a text from Leland. Dang, was he
texting me from the locker room or something? Wasn’t he supposed to be paying attention to the coach or whatever?

  It read: Where u at?

  I swallowed and typed out my reply: In the arena, sitting with Z and her man.

  DLS: Where? I didn’t see u.

  Me: On the visitor’s side in the seats Armand got us.

  DLS: Why u ain’t tell me u were gonna sit over there? I was looking for u.

  Me: I forgot.

  I was ashamed at how quickly I typed that lie out.

  There was a pause before he sent: U still coming over after u have dinner with ur son, right?

  Me: Yeah. I’ll call you when I’m on my way.

  DLS: Ok. Love u.

  Me: Love you too. Good luck.

  DLS: I’m texting my luck right now. See u later, baby.

  Well, that text had me grinning like a fool, so much so that I didn’t hear Z talking to me, so she leaned in close and read the text.

  “OMG, he is so sweet! Damn, I hate you, Kim!”

  Rolling my eyes, I said, “He’s all right, I guess.”

  The game was nuts! It hadn’t been that long since I’d attended an NBA game because I attended virtually all of Armand’s the previous year, but it was still easy to forget how electrifying it was to sit in an arena and watch these giants at their athletic peak as they squared off against each other. Half the time, I didn’t know where to look. Both Leland and Armand were equally impressive, but while Armand excelled at getting the ball through the hoop, Leland’s speed was truly something to behold. For a man that size to move that fast? It’s just something everyone should see at least once in their lifetime. Watching it on TV does not compare.

  From the moment the starting line-ups were announced and the players engaged in their ridiculous handshake rituals, to the second the buzzer sounded indicating the end of the game, I found myself standing or screaming or smiling. I was both hoarse and exhausted by the time we were ready to leave, having cheered almost nonstop for both sides, garnering some odd looks, but I didn’t care. If it was possible, I wanted both teams to win, but that night, the victory went to the home team. The Cyclones won by four points. Yeah, it was one hell of a game!

  After I said goodbye to Zabrina and her teddy bear of a fiancé—he finally gave her a ring so she was now claiming him—I rushed home to freshen up and wait for Armand to pick me up as planned. We had decided to check out a new ramen shop that stayed open late, and I couldn’t wait to spend time with him although I knew he wouldn’t be in the best of moods after losing the game. But I was used to that, and bad attitude or not, he was still my only child.

  This Thursday-night, seasoning-opening game ended at close to 10:00 PM. Having to fight the traffic around the arena, it took me nearly thirty minutes to make it home, so I knew it would be a minute before Armand arrived with all the post-game interviews and stuff he was obligated to do. So I settled down on my sofa, sent a congratulatory text to Leland, and then went to his Instagram page where he had posted a sweaty picture of himself wearing a big smile on his face, still in uniform. The caption read: Thanks to my good luck charm, we got that W, baby! #FastlaneMcClain #Number12 #CycloneFever #IStan4LittleKim

  Again, I found myself grinning like a fool. Leland had absolutely no sense.

  And the most ridiculous thing was that Lil’ Kim had actually commented on the post saying she wanted to meet him.

  An hour passed, then another, then another. I had texted and tried to call Armand several times to no avail and was beginning to get worried. Had he gotten into some trouble because of the loss? Gotten into a fight or something that landed him in jail or worse, the hospital? There was truly no telling with him having the anger issues that had plagued him since he was young. A little after 1:00 AM, Leland texted me, asking when I was coming over. Before I responded to him, I tried to text Armand again. While waiting for him to answer, I checked his Instagram page to find a video he’d just posted. I mean, it was posted like a minute earlier. I watched him in a club, a strip club, with some girl dancing on him. I didn’t care about that. Hell, he was a grown man. What pissed me off was that he had me sitting up in my place waiting for nothing. I was just about to text that to him when a call from him popped up on the screen of my phone.

  “Hello?” I answered through a sigh. “Where are you? I been waiting for hours!”

  “My bad, Mama. I forgot I was supposed to pick you up, ran into Scotty after the game and he kidnapped my ass.” That was followed by laughter from a whole group of guys.

  “Well, you could’ve called me and let me know you changed your mind.”

  “I forgot! I just said that. Dang! But I’m on my way now. You still hungry?”

  “Yeah…but it’s too late to go out to eat now. Just bring me some Taco Bell or something.”

  “Okay, I got you. Be there in like twenty minutes.”

  “Okay.”

  No sooner than I’d hung up with Armand, there was a knock at my door. I smiled, thinking he was already here the whole time we were on the phone and was just messing with me. I’d heard music in the background, but more like car music than club music.

  Swinging the door open, I said, “Hey! I thought you said twenty min—” I cut myself off when I realized it was Leland and not Armand who’d knocked.

  “You thought who said what?” he asked, before leaning in to kiss me.

  My eyes rolled around the area outside my door. He’d said twenty minutes, but still…

  “Hey! What are you doing here?” I asked, giving him the best smile I could manage.

  “You didn’t answer my text.”

  “You didn’t give me a chance to.”

  “If you say so. Can I come in?”

  “Uh, Armand is on his way over. So…”

  “He’s coming back? Spending the night?”

  “Uh, he’s just now coming. He said he forgot we were supposed to be going to dinner, but he’s gonna bring me something to eat now.”

  Leland frowned down at me. “You ain’t ate yet? You been waiting for him all this time?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, like I said, he forgot.”

  “And you still waiting for him?”

  “Well, yeah. I’d like to see him, and I just talked to him. He’s on his way.”

  “Where he been?”

  “Why does that matter?” Now, I was getting irritated. Time was running out. Leland needed to go home before some mess popped off.

  “I just wanna know what would make someone forget their mother.”

  “He didn’t forget me, he just forgot he was supposed to come pick me up.”

  “That’s the same thing, Kim.”

  “Well, he remembered and he’s on his way now.”

  “You already told me that a couple of times.”

  “I know.”

  We both stood there and looked at each other.

  “Well?” I said.

  “Well, what? You dismissing me so your son can come bring you some food at damn near two in the morning? What kind of shit is that? He ain’t got no respect for you to do you like that.”

  “He’s my son, Leland.”

  “So? That means he should have the utmost respect for you! What kind of son does this kind of shit to his mother?”

  “Look, you don’t know anything about him, and I’m not dismissing you, I just…can we talk in the morning? He’ll be here any minute.”

  He shook his head. “Look at you, all nervous about your son finding me here. You know what, Kim? I’m over this shit…like, for real.”

  As he turned to leave, my heart fell to the floor. “Wait!”

  “What? You gonna call your son and tell him never mind, not to come so late?”

  “N-no. I just wanna ask you…what do you mean you’re over it.”

  “What do you think I mean, Kim?” he asked, and then he left and I backed into my living room, shutting the door and resting my head against it.

  Despite several calls and texts from me, Armand n
ever showed up that night.

  23

  I missed Leland.

  He’d been on the road doing his job for the past two weeks, two weeks during which he’d ignored my phone calls, texts, emails, and DMs. He’d left the day after Armand stood me up without so much as a goodbye. So had Armand, but add to that, that he also gave no explanation for not showing up that night. I guess now I knew how Leland felt when I ignored his calls in the past—like shit. The only difference was that I deserved to be ignored. I honestly deserved the loneliness I felt without him, but that didn’t make it any easier to cope with.

  I couldn’t sleep, barely ate, and was about a second from losing my entire mind. I loved Leland, but more than that, he loved me, and I needed that. I needed to feel loved by him.

  But he wouldn’t talk to me.

  Sighing, I let my eyes roam my desk—paperwork, a half-eaten sandwich, two bottles of water, and my dormant cell phone. I wished I was anywhere besides the four walls of my office. No, I wished I was somewhere, anywhere laid up under my man, or ex-man since he had broken contact with me. But more than that, I wished I’d handled things with Leland better, not put so much weight on keeping things a secret, and most of all, I wished I wasn’t so afraid to tell Armand about us and that I had the courage to deal with his inevitably bad reaction to the news.

  But I just couldn’t, and now I was alone.

  All alone.

  When a knock came at my office door, I had no idea how long I’d been sitting there staring at my desk but sat up straight and adjusted my blouse before yelling, “Come in!”

  Peaches, who I still hadn’t fired, peeked her head in the door and gave me a wide-eyed look. “Um, I’m getting ready to head out, Ms. Kim. Remember, I told you I have a doctor’s appointment and need to leave early?”

  I stared at her for a moment because, no, I didn’t remember that, but in my current state of mind, I might have tuned the information out, so I finally nodded. “Okay, See you tomorrow.”