The Three: A Novel

by Sarah Lotz

  While Flexible gamely interacts with his geriatric fan base, I check out the displays advertising the talks, discussions and prayer groups that are scheduled back to back throughout the weekend, most sporting glossy life-size cut-outs of the celebrity preachers who are the main draw-card to the event. As well as several ‘Are You Ready For the Rapture?’ talks, there are symposiums on Creationism and a hastily tacked on addition to the line-up–a ‘get-together’ with Pastor Len Vorhees, the new kid on the End Times block. Vorhees recently caused a minor Twitter storm with his extraordinary pronouncement that the three children who survived Black Thursday’s disasters are actually three of the four horsemen out of Revelation.

  Finally, the line dries up and it’s my turn. The snippy publicist whispers something in Flexible’s ear and he fixes the beam of his smile on me. His small eyes glint like black shiny buttons.

  ‘England, huh?’ he says. ‘I was in London last year. That’s a heathen country that needs saving, am I right, son?’

  I assure him that he most certainly is.

  ‘What sort of work you into, son? Patty here says you want to do an interview, something like that?’

  I tell him the truth. That I make documentaries for television, that I’d love to chat to him and Dr Lund about their careers.

  Flexible’s button eyes bore into mine with more intensity. ‘You with the BBC?’

  I say that I have worked for the BBC, yes. It’s not really a lie. I started my career as a runner for BBC Manchester, although I was fired after two months for smoking dope in the greenroom. I decide not to mention this.

  Flexible seems to relax. ‘Hold on, son, I’ll see what I can do.’ This is much easier than I was expecting. He waves his publicist over again, who manages to smile at Flexible and scowl at me simultaneously, and they share a terse whispered exchange.

  ‘Son, Teddy’s real busy right now. Tell you what, why don’t you come up to the penthouse in a couple of hours? I’ll see what I can do about getting you two acquainted. He’s a big fan of the Cavendish Hall show you fellas have over there.’

  I’m not sure what Cavendish Hall, a saccharine period drama that’s making waves around the world, has to do with me, but it turns out that Flexible Sandy is still under the impression that I work for the BBC. I scuttle away before his publicist convinces him to change his mind.

  Rather than head back to my bijou hotel room (fortunately included in the price tag), I decide to see if I can catch one of the talks. I’m thirty minutes late for Pastor Len Vorhees’s ‘get-together’, but I mention to the usher that I’m a personal friend of Flexible Sandy’s and he lets me slip inside.

  It’s standing room only in the Starlight Auditorium, and all that’s visible of Pastor Len Vorhees is the top of his coiffed hair as he strides back and forth in front of the audience. His voice wavers every now and then, but it’s clear from the chorus of ‘Amen’s that he’s getting his message across. I’m vaguely aware that Pastor Len’s bizarre theory has provoked fierce debate in the world of End Times believers, especially from the Preterist movement, which, unlike most of the other factions, believes that the events laid out in Revelation have already occurred. And I’m learning that Revelation is most certainly the basis of Pastor Len’s wild assertions. According to the prophecy of John, the four horsemen will bring with them war, pestilence, famine and death, and Pastor Len starts to list various recent ‘signs’ that he says prove his theory. Among them are the gruesome account of the lizardy death of a paparazzo who’d allegedly broken into Bobby Small’s hospital room (animal attacks are also included in Revelation’s list of woes) and the details of the recent norovirus scourge that turned a fleet of cruise liners into vomit-filled hell ships. He manages to conclude with a frankly terrifying proclamation that war will soon ravage the African nations and bird flu will decimate the Asian population.

  Longing for a stiff drink, I slip out on the chorus of ‘Amen’s to wait for my audience with Flexible Sandy and Dr Teddy Lund.

  I’m gobsmacked when I’m let into the suite by Dr Lund himself, who greets me with a dazzling grin that shows off his state-of-theart dental work. ‘Good to meet you, son,’ he says, gripping my hand between two of his. His skin has a slightly artificial glow, as if he’s an irradiated fruit. ‘Can I get you a beverage? You Brits like your tea, don’t you?’ I burble something along the lines of ‘Indeed we do,’ and allow him to lead me over to where Flexible and a slick-suited man in his early fifties are sitting in extravagantly upholstered armchairs. It takes me a second to realise that the fiftyish man is actually Pastor Len Vorhees. He’s clearly not as at ease as the other two men; I get the impression of a child on his best behaviour.

  Introductions are made and I allow myself to be swallowed up by the couch opposite. They all beam at me; none of their smiles meet their eyes.

  ‘Flexible tells me you work for the BBC,’ Dr Lund begins. ‘I tell you, son, I’m not one for television, but I like that Cavendish Hall show. They knew how to behave in those days, didn’t they? Had their morals straight. And you’re out here wanting to do a documentary, something like that?’

  Before I can get a word in, he continues, ‘We get a lot of fellas wanting to do interviews. From all over the world. But I tell you, now might be the right time to get the message into England.’

  I’m about to respond when two women appear through the door that leads to one of the suite’s bedrooms. I recognise the taller of the two as Dr Lund’s wife, Sherry–she’s as coiffed and air-brushed as the photograph on the back of her latest cookbook. The woman hovering behind her couldn’t be more of a contrast. She’s as thin as a broom, her lined mouth is lipstick-free, and a white miniature poodle of some sort lolls in her arms.

  I get to my feet but Dr Lund waves me back down. He introduces Sherry, and the other woman as Pastor Len’s wife, Kendra. Kendra barely glances in my direction and Sherry beams at me for a nanosecond before turning to her husband. ‘Don’t forget that Mitch is on his way to see you, Teddy.’ She blasts me with another practised smile. ‘We’re just going to take Snookie for some air.’ Then she sweeps Kendra and the dog out of the suite.

  ‘Let’s get down to business,’ Dr Lund says to me. ‘What exactly do you have in mind, son? What sort of documentary are you planning on doing?’

  ‘Well…’ I say. And suddenly, for absolutely no reason, my carefully practised pitch dries up and my mind goes blank. In desperation I fix on Pastor Len Vorhees. ‘Perhaps I could start… I caught your talk, Pastor Vorhees… it was, um, interesting. May I ask you about your theory?’

  ‘Ain’t a theory, son,’ Flexible growls, while managing to keep his smile in place. ‘It’s the truth.’

  I have no idea why these three men are making me feel so nervous. Maybe it’s the force of their collective convictions and personalities–you don’t get to be a Fortune 500 preacher by being uncharismatic. I manage to get myself under control. ‘But… if you’re saying the first four seals have just been opened, doesn’t this contradict what you believe? That the church will be raptured before the horsemen bring devastation to the earth?’ Eschatology–the study of End Times prophecy–gets complicated very fast. From my research, I’ve been led to believe that Dr Lund and Flexible are followers of Pre-Tribulation Rapture theory, where the Rapture of the church will take place just before the seven year tribulation period (i.e. before the Antichrist takes over and makes life miserable for the rest of us). Pastor Len’s beliefs fall within the Post-Tribulation Rapture theory, whereby reborn Christians will remain on the earth as witnesses during the fire and brimstone stage, which, according to him, has just begun.

  Pastor Len’s handsome features ripple and he picks at his lapel, but Flexible and Dr Lund chuckle in unison as if I’m a child who’s said something inappropriate but amusing. ‘There’s no contradiction here, son,’ Flexible says. ‘We know from Matthew twenty-four, “Ethnic group will rise against ethnic group. And government against government. There will be famines and e
arthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of birth pains.” ’

  Dr Lund chips in. ‘This is happening all over. Right now. And we know that these birth pains signal the opening of the first four seals. We also know from both Revelation and Zechariah that the four harbingers are then sent throughout the world. White to the west, red to the east, black to the north and the pale horse to the south. Now that the seals have been opened, punishment will be exacted upon Asia, America, Europe and Africa.’

  I’m struggling to follow this logic, but I manage to pick up on the last bit. ‘And Australia? Antarctica?’

  Flexible chuckles again and shakes his head at my denseness. ‘They aren’t part of the global moral decline, son. But they’ll get their turn. The world’s governments and the UN will all gather together to make the many-horned beast.’

  Now that I haven’t been taken by the seat of my pants and booted out, I’m feeling slightly more confident. I point out that the NTSB is indicating that the causes of the crashes are down to fully explainable events–pilot error, a possible bird strike, mechanical failure–and not supernatural interference (somehow I manage to phrase this without sounding like I’m talking about aliens or the devil).

  Pastor Len opens his mouth to comment but Dr Lund jumps in. ‘I’ll answer this, Len. You think God wouldn’t have the power to make these events look like accidents? He wants to test our faith, root out the believer from the heathen. We have heeded his call. But we’re in the business of saving souls, son, and when the fourth horseman is found, even the most reluctant will be called to his fold.’

  I feel my mouth lolling open. ‘The fourth horseman?’

  ‘That’s correct, son.’

  ‘But there were no survivors of the crash in Africa.’

  Pastor Len and Dr Lund exchange glances, and Dr Lund gives the tiniest nod.

  ‘We believe there is,’ Pastor Len says.

  I stutter that according to the NTSB and the agencies in Africa, there is no chance that anyone on the Dalu Air flight could have survived.

  Dr Lund smiles humourlessly. ‘That’s what they said about the other three incidents, and look what the Lord chose to show us.’ He pauses. Then he asks the question I know has been coming. ‘Have you been saved, son?’

  Flexible Sandy’s peculiar button eyes bore into mine and I’m suddenly back at school, standing in front of the headmaster. I’m overwhelmed with the desire to lie and claim that yes, I am one of them, among the saved. But it passes and I tell them the truth. ‘I’m Jewish.’

  Dr Lund nods in approval. Flexible Sandy’s grin doesn’t falter. ‘We need the Jews,’ Dr Lund says. ‘You’re an important part of the coming events.’

  I know what he’s talking about. After the Rapture and the Antichrist’s rule, Jesus will return to vanquish the infidels and power-drive the Antichrist off his throne. This battle is pipped to take place in Israel, and Dr Lund, like many prophecy believers, is vociferously pro-Israel. He believes, as it says in the Bible, that Israel belongs to the Jews and the Jews alone, and he is adamant that land swapping and peace accords with Palestine should be forcefully opposed. It’s rumoured that during President ‘Billy-Bob’ Blake’s tenure in the White House, Dr Lund was a regular visitor. I really want to question him about the elephant in the room–why someone who truly believes the end of the world is imminent would bother to meddle in politics–but Dr Lund stands up before I can think how to phrase it.

  ‘Go well, son,’ he says. ‘Get hold of my publicist, she’ll help you out.’ With another round of handshakes, I’m dismissed. (A few days later I do as he suggests, but receive only a curt ‘Dr Lund is unavailable’ response, and a flat silence to my other stabs at communication with Flexible Sandy.)

  As I leave the conference, my fly-fisherman’s Bible and my Gone books tucked under my arm, I pass a phalanx of huge bodyguards surrounding a man in an even more expensively cut suit than Dr Lund’s. I recognise him immediately. It’s Mitch Reynard, former governor of Texas, who announced his intention to run for the Republican presidential nomination just a couple of weeks ago.

  The following is an extract from rapturesacoming.com, Felix ‘Flexible’ Sandy’s website.

  A personal message from me today, believers. Our brothers Dr Theodore Lund (who needs no introduction!) and Pastor Len Vorhees of Sannah County have shown us the Truth, irrefutable proof that the first four seals as laid out in Revelation have been opened, and the horsemen are set loose upon the world to punish the ungodly with Famine, Plague, War, Pestilence and Death. Some of you may be saying, but Flexible, weren’t the seals broken a long time ago? The world has been in moral decline for generations, hasn’t it? I say that may be, but God in His wisdom has now shown us the truth. And if you think about it, believers, it’s going to play out just like it did in Thief in the Night, the ninth in the Gone series, which I don’t need to tell you is available to order from this very site.

  And that’s not all, you’ll see that the signs are hotting up fast, with major incidents coming thick and fast this week. Good news for all of us waiting to be taken up to Jesus’ side!

  Flexible

  The full list can be found under the headings if you CLICK on them, but here are our top choices:

  PLAGUE (rapturesacoming probability rating: 74%)

  The vomiting bug that started on those cruise liners has taken hold throughout the US:

  www.news-agency.info/2012/february/norovirus-spreads-to-US-East-Coast

  (Thanks to Isla Smith of North Carolina for sending this one through! Flexible appreciates your faith, Isla!)

  WAR (rapturesacoming probability rating: 81%)

  Well, what can I say? War is always a strong indicator and it’s not letting us down today! The holy War on Terror still rages in Afghanistan and check out this link below:

  www.atlantic-mag.com/worldnews/north-korea-nuclear-threat-could-be-a-reality

  FAMINE (rapturesacoming probability rating: 81%)

  That foot and mouth disease looks like it’s finding a foothold in the rest of Europe. Check out this headline: ‘New Strain of Foot and Mouth Could Have Massive Impact on Farming, UK govt warns.’

  (source: www.euronewscorp.co.uk/footandmouth/)

  DEATH (rapturesacoming probability rating: 91%)

  And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given to them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth. (Revelation 6:8)

  There’s been a spate of animal attacks recently, just like it says in verses 6:8. Check out these links:

  ‘American tourist slain in Botswana rogue hyena attack’ (www.bizarredeaths.net)

  ‘Inquest on LA photographer eaten alive by pet lizards postponed’ (www.latimesweekly.com)

  A Flexible note: This one is of particular interest, as the photographer had ties to Bobby Small, which makes this a nine on the scale! Not since 9/11 have we been this close!

  Lola Cando.

  I hadn’t seen Lenny for a while, not since he told me about Pamela May Donald’s message. Then he called me up, asked me to meet him at one of our motels. Lucky for him I had a cancellation. One of my regulars, ex-marine–a sweet fella–was feeling blue and wanted to postpone.

  Anyhow, that day, Lenny burst into the room, snatched the drink I poured for him and started pacing up and down. Told me he’d just got back from a conference in Houston. He looked just like a little kid who’d been to Disneyland for the first time. He must have talked non-stop for half-an-hour at least. He was saying how he’d been hanging out with Dr Lund, who’d invited him to appear on his Sunday show. Said he’d even had dinner with Flexible Sandy–the fella who wrote those books I never got around to reading. Went on about how the room where he’d given his talk had been packed to the rafters with the faithful.

  ‘And guess who else was there, Lo?’ he asked while he pulled off his tie. I didn’t know wh
at to say, wouldn’t have been surprised if he’d said Jesus himself, way he was talking about those guys with all that awe in his voice. ‘Mitch Reynard,’ he said. ‘Mitch Reynard! Dr Lund has given him his backing.’

  I’m not one for politics, but even I knew who this fella was. Caught him on a couple of the news segments Denisha likes to watch. Smooth guy, ex-preacher, looked a bit like Bill Clinton, always had the right answers, used to be a member of that Tea Party contingent. He was never out of the news when it turned out he was running for the Republican presidential nomination. Got a lot of criticism from the liberals for what he was saying about feminism and how gay marriage was an abomination.

  Lenny started getting carried away, talking about how this could even be his ticket to getting into politics himself. ‘Anything is possible, Lo. Dr Lund says we must do everything in our power to sway the vote, make sure the country gets back to a good moral footing.’

  Talking about morals, far as I was aware, Lenny never saw anything hypocritical about paying for my services. Maybe he didn’t even see it as adultery. He didn’t talk about his wife often, but I got the impression they hadn’t been intimate for a while. Course, last couple of times I saw him, there wasn’t much adultery going on; he was too busy unloading on me.