Room to Grow

by Lisa Heaton

  “Can you imagine that? They were too scared to allow themselves to fully love those kids. In protecting their own hearts, they must have held their kids at arm’s length. That’s what we’ve been doing.

  “I want to embrace this baby – no more fear. Can we do that? Then if the worst happens, we have no regrets. We’ve given him life by sharing him with our friends and family. He’s part of our family always, no matter if he’s born here or not.”

  “I’m sorry I’ve been so worried. It isn’t fair to him,” she said.

  “Don’t be sorry, babe. Let’s just decide to be happy every minute we get to be his – or her – mom and dad.”

  “Josh…” she trailed off, trying to keep from crying. “I want this baby more than anything. I have fleeting moments of the greatest happiness. Then I get so scared. It’ll kill me if we lose him.”

  “It won’t kill you. I won’t let it. I’ll be here for you. You’ll be here for me.”

  He took her hand. “The night I first took you to the house, we were standing in the doorway of what we now hope will be the nursery. I said –”

  “Fear has no place in our home,” she said. “How could I forget that?”

  “It applies now more than ever.”

  “It’s what I’ve been holding on to so far, but then I get so scared.”

  He took her face in his hands. “Me too. It’s not just you. But now, starting today, no more fear, not in our home.”

  Sophie moved in and wrapped her arms around him. “I love what you said before, that we can give him life by sharing him with our friends and family.” She looked back at him. “Let’s tell anyone who’ll listen.”

  He smiled and kissed her cheek. “I want to tell my mom.”

  She nodded. “I don’t blame you. I want to tell mine, too.”

  Josh stood up and sat on her desk. “Jet,” he said as he handed her the burger.

  “What?”

  “If it’s a boy, I want to name him Joshua Edward Taylor, Edward after your dad. We can call him Jet.”

  Sophie scoffed at that. “Jet, what kind of name is that?”

  “It’s a cool boy name. He’ll be that kid with cool hair like mine and have all the girls chasing after him.”

  “Like we want girls chasing after him.” She took a bite of her now cold burger and talked with her mouth full. “And what’s wrong with naming him after you and making him a junior?”

  “I’ve always hated Franklin as my middle name.”

  “It’s a great name.”

  “Nope, I’m sticking with Jet.”

  “This may be a girl, and I’m not naming her Jet.”

  “Okay, what girl names do you like?” he said.

  “An “e” name like all of us.”

  “You mean like Sophie and Chloe?”

  She nodded. “Yeah, and Joshie.”

  “Don’t even!” He threw his head back and groaned.

  “What about Charlotte and call her Charlie?”

  Josh nodded. “I like that if we have a girl someday, but this is a boy. I just feel it.”

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  After Christmas, life went into overdrive. The baby announcement to their friends and family created as much excitement as Drake’s proposing to Chloe on Christmas Eve. He had waited until after the dreaded dinner at Grandmother Banks’s and asked her at home after Sophie and Josh had gone to bed. Chloe’s screaming yes had Sophie and Josh awake and downstairs to celebrate with them.

  What really upended life was their decision to marry on Valentine’s Day. Since Christmas, their home had been consumed by all things wedding. Karen was involved, so that took much of the pressure off of Sophie. That was the one thing Josh had insisted on since the beginning, that Sophie not be overwhelmed with responsibility.

  All was going well with Baby Jet or Charlie so far, and they had even been able to hear the heartbeat for the first time. That was a moment that took Sophie’s breath away every time she thought of it. They had both been a wreck while waiting to be called back to an exam room, knowing that a strong heartbeat was the next marker they needed to pass. Once they heard it together, something changed for them both. Since then, they had lived with unshakeable faith and peace. Neither rode the waves of fear and doubt any longer.

  Now that February had arrived, Sophie was focused more on the wedding than most anything. Once the wedding was over the following day, they would resume all things baby.

  Chloe came into Sophie’s bedroom and sailed onto the bed. “I’m freaking out.”

  “It’ll be okay.”

  “This is a big deal. Everyone will be there.”

  “I know.”

  The rehearsal dinner was that night and the entire family and wedding party would be thrown together for the first time.

  “Dad’s just barely okay with this,” Chloe said.

  “He’s better than barely okay.”

  Kevin had continued to voice his concerns to Sophie in private but also admitted to liking Drake more than he had expected.

  “Grandmother Banks will be there.”

  When she sat next to Chloe, Sophie sighed a silent breath of relief that she was no longer a part of that world.

  “Chloe, it’ll be fine. If she’s nasty, you can either ignore her or tell me. I’ll ask her to leave.”

  “You would not.”

  “You better believe I would. This is your night. Tomorrow is your day. Everyone will play nice, or I’ll send them home.”

  Chloe wrapped her arms around her mom. “This is the happiest time of my life. I’m just so afraid something will steal that away from me.”

  “No one, not even your grandmother, can steal this away.”

  “I just want it over before Drake changes his mind.”

  Sophie’s eyes narrowed as she said, “He would never change his mind.”

  “What if he woke up this morning and realized he’s making the biggest mistake of his life?”

  Sophie smiled. “What if he woke up this morning and texted his best friend, telling him this was the best decision of his life?”

  Chloe’s eyes filled with tears. “Did he do that?”

  “He sure did.” Sophie winked. “Pretty nice to have some inside info, huh?”

  “Yeah.”

  For the first time, Chloe looked around. “Where’s Josh now?”

  “He’s with Drake doing best man stuff.”

  “I can hardly believe this is my life,” Chloe said.

  “If anyone can understand that, this pregnant forty-year-old woman can.”

  “Know what I keep thinking, Mom?”

  Sophie moved Chloe’s hair out of her eyes. “What, sweetie.”

  “If I had really messed things up and you went back to Daddy, none of this would even be happening. I wouldn’t have Drake or Baby Jet on the way.”

  “But you didn’t mess things up. And what’s with you siding with Josh? This might be Baby Charlie.”

  From the time she had heard the name Josh had picked, Chloe had believed with him they would have a boy. Sophie was the only one holding out for a girl.

  Josh picked Sophie up and drove her to the rehearsal since Chloe was riding with Drake.

  “Sorry I’m late,” he said as they walked to the car. “Drake wanted to find something else for Chloe as her bridal gift.”

  “Didn’t he already get her something?”

  He chuckled. “Yeah, earrings and some Mrs. stuff and a ceramic plate with their names on it and some things for the honeymoon.”

  Sophie climbed into her car and just sat looking at Josh when he got in.

  “What is it?” he said.

  “I couldn’t ask for a better man for Chloe.”

  “No, you couldn’t.” Josh paused a second. “No one could possibly love anyone as much as I love you, but I’ll admit, Drake is running a close second with Chloe.”

  “It’s pretty unbelievable, huh?” she said. “Chloe was just saying today how she wouldn’t have Drake if you
and I hadn’t gotten together.”

  “Remember what I told you the night we had dinner at my folks’, that I just knew God has a special plan for us? I said we might do something that would impact the world.” He took her hand. “We’ve done that. We’ve impacted their worlds in an irreversible way.”

  Once at the restaurant, Sophie and Josh were soon pulled in different directions. The rehearsal had gone off without a hitch, so now all that was left to do was celebrate as a group and be excited for the following day.

  “Can I say something from a lifetime ago?” Kevin said when he came to stand before Sophie.

  Sophie smiled at him. “Maybe.”

  “I remember you looked exactly like this when you were pregnant with Chloe. Your skin glowed like this, and…” He looked down at her stomach. “And that little pooch of your stomach looked like that.”

  “That really does feel like a lifetime ago, huh?”

  “A good lifetime ago.” Kevin’s eyes darted to where Josh was standing with Drake, Chloe, and Dena. “He’s the luckiest man alive, as far as I’m concerned.”

  Her heart felt warm and she smiled when she glanced over at Josh. At just that moment he burst into laughter at whatever Chloe had said. “I’m the lucky one,” she said.

  “You deserve this, Sophie. You always deserved to be this happy. I’m sorry I didn’t see it back then.”

  “You deserve to be happy, too, Kev. I want this for you.”

  He held his hands out. “Yet here I am solo.”

  “I’m sorry about Jamie.”

  “Don’t be. It was for the best. I knew all along I didn’t love her. Staying with her wasn’t fair of me.”

  “Chloe tells me good things, that you’re going to church and working on a whole new Kevin.”

  He nodded. “Yeah, I kinda am. I know this wise woman who once placed a Bible in my hand and told me I needed to pursue God.”

  “And you’re doing that now?”

  “I’m still trying to get my bearings.”

  “I’m just glad you’re willing to try.”

  “I wish more than anything I would have been willing years ago. I’m sorry I let you down. I’m sorry for how I hurt you.” He looked around at their daughter. “And Chloe.”

  “I’ve never said this before,” she said. “But I’ve felt it for a long time. I forgive you.”

  He nodded. “Thanks for saying it.” With another sideways glance at Josh, Kevin looked back at her. “For the record I always loved you. I didn’t love you well, that’s for sure, but I’ll never love anyone the way I still love you.”

  Josh approached, so Kevin shook his hand. “I didn’t get a chance to say it at the rehearsal, but congrats on the baby.”

  “Thanks,” Josh said.

  Kevin walked away, and Sophie was careful not to show any reaction to Kevin’s last words to her. Josh was no longer jealous of Kevin, but if he knew that Kevin had professed his love for her with Josh just feet away, they might have tangled.

  “See,” Josh said. “It’s all gone well. Chloe was worried for nothing.”

  “It’s gone really well.”

  They took their seats and it just so happened that Kevin sat directly across from her and Josh. When he raised his water glass, his smile was sad and his words were soft, “To our kid.”

  Sophie nodded and lifted hers. “To our kid.”

  March first was ushered in by a startling wake up at midnight. Josh stood over her clapping his hands. “Out of bed, Soph!”

  “Why,” she said, “I’m sleeping.”

  “Not anymore, you’re not.” He took her hand and drug her across the hall.

  “We’ve waited until March first; that’s close enough. So now it’s time to think about the nursery.”

  “We won’t know until tomorrow, I mean today, if it’s a boy or girl – if we even find out.” They had begged for that date so that they might know the gender of the baby on their first day of spring.

  “It’s a boy.” Josh went to stand in the middle of the room. “What about an aviation theme, like, with clouds and planes?” He scanned the walls. “I can draw it all.”

  Sophie yawned and smiled.

  “I’m thinking while he’s young, we can have old timey planes rather than jets. Then when he gets older we will see what he likes and make this a room that reflects who he is.” He paused. “I promise I won’t do that thing where I force what I want on him.”

  She knew what he meant by that, so she walked to where he was standing and rested her head on his chest. He still hadn’t talked to his dad after almost a year.

  “That all sounds good.”

  Josh took her by the arms and held her out. “You’re okay with planes?”

  “I’m more than okay with planes.”

  Over time she had become as convinced as Josh that it would be a boy and had given up her hopes that she would have a second girl. She had no idea how to raise a boy, but now that she had seen all the Star Wars movies, she felt better equipped for Baby Jet.

  “What are you smiling at?” he said.

  “You. Everything.”

  Josh wrapped his arms around her and gave a little squeeze. “I’m so stinkin’ happy.”

  “I am too.” She closed her eyes and squeezed him back.

  “Will you be happier if I take you back to bed?”

  “So much happier.”

  His voice boomed, “Happy spring, Sophie Taylor!”

  “Happy spring, Josh,” she said in a sleepy whisper.

  Later that morning, they sat and waited to be called back for the ultrasound. Something about the flipping of the calendar page had removed her fears once and for all. Some of the best things had happened to her on March first, so she had to believe this would be no different.

  She had tried to prepare Josh that if the baby wasn’t positioned right, they wouldn’t know the gender that day. He had only waved her off since to him this was all a mere formality.

  That morning he had sat at the kitchen table eating Cap’n Crunch and sketching out planes he wanted to draw on the wall. Chloe had sent him a link to all kinds of aviation nursery photos once he texted her his idea. He had his tablet open and used the photos she sent for inspiration.

  Now, at the memory of his excitement that morning, Sophie considered his middle-of-the-night words, that he was so stinkin’ happy. That’s exactly what she felt, so stinkin’ happy.

  “Sophie Taylor.”

  Josh squeezed her hand and smiled. “Here we go.”

  “Yeah, here we go.”

  Josh sat and looked around the room while Sophie undressed. “Things for girls are so much more complicated.”

  “You have no idea,” she said as she moved to sit on the table.

  He stood and walked around the room, looking at gadgets and touching buttons, his nervous energy obviously getting the better of him.

  When the technician entered, Josh went to stand next to Sophie and held her hand. His expression was one of excitement mixed with what may be a little anxiety. Until their baby was born, they would both likely experience ups and downs in their battle with fear. All expectant parents did.

  “I’m Gemma,” she said and began to prep Sophie with a squirt of warm goop on her belly.

  Sophie wasn’t sure what excited her more, the anticipation of seeing her baby or watching Josh’s face as he never took his eyes off the screen.

  Gemma didn’t say much at first as she took measurements and typed notes. Finally, she reached for a knob and waited. “Ready to hear the heartbeat?”

  “Yes,” they said at the same time.

  This was different than the muffled heartbeat they had heard in her doctor’s office. Their baby’s heart beat strong and steady. In unison again, they both began to cry.

  Josh wiped his eyes and pulled Sophie’s hand to his lips. “This is an absolute miracle.”

  Gemma said, “Do you want to know the gender?”

  They both nodded as Josh said, “It’s a boy.
”

  “It is a boy,” Gemma said.

  At that, Josh dropped his head on Sophie’s shoulder and they cried together.

  “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “For ever saying I didn’t want this. I love him so much.”

  All things baby became an understatement as their home erupted in nursery plans. Sophie hardly had a say in the design as Chloe and Josh plowed ahead with their ideas. Sophie got to pick the crib and dresser, but other than that, she stood back and allowed them to dream big. She didn’t mind at all.

  When she had been pregnant with Chloe, only her mother had shared in her excitement over decorating a nursery. This time, watching her husband and daughter pour so much of themselves into the room made Sophie’s heart nearly burst at the seams.

  The room was done and ready for Jet’s arrival. With light gray walls filled with clouds and vintage planes, it was definitely a boy’s room. The crib and other furniture were dark gray, and Jet’s name was painted in deep red over the changing table.

  “Do you like it?” Josh said from the doorway.

  “I love it.”

  Sophie was sitting in the glider in the nursery, taking it all in. Her favorite part was what Josh had written above the crib in the midst of a cloud. It said, “Let your dreams soar.”

  That was Josh’s reminder to allow their son to be who he was and dream his own dreams.

  He never mentioned his dad and if Sophie asked, Josh said very little, but she knew he was bothered more than he would admit over the rift between them. Many times Sophie had suggested that he call his dad. Josh refused, saying they would all be better off without his dad’s presence in their lives.

  She disagreed but respected his feelings. At least Kim was excited over the baby’s impending arrival. She called Sophie at least once a week and texted even more often. She was just waiting on the call to drive to Nashville. Nothing was ever mentioned about Bruce, and Sophie had never asked.

  “He’ll be here before we know it,” Josh said when he came to sit on the footstool of the glider.

  “I know, and I don’t want to wish any of this away.” She took the hand he offered. “I won’t let that happen with Jet.”