I didn't want to live any more. I walked to the door and opened it, then looked back at her. "I love you, Holly."
She smiled, and her eyes welled up.
#
I stopped at the liquor store on the way back to base and bought a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of Jack Daniel's. Once back in the room, I lit up and poured myself a large one. The whiskey burned as it slid down my throat, but it was a small step in the healing process. I'd never get over Holly. She'd be taking my kid somewhere and I'd probably never see it. But she had the money to look after it.
It felt like a hand had reached inside me and pulled my guts out. Pure emptiness harbored beneath my skeleton. I wished God would strike me down to relieve the pain. Hell seemed a better option than living with this kind of misery. I took another burning drink.
Mark came in and sat at the table with me, pouring himself a drink.
"You okay?" he asked. "Lori told me what happened. Man, that's tough."
"What do you think? Life as I know it is over. No mom, wife, girlfriend, baby and no point." I eyed my whiskey, then looked at Mark. "I really fucked this up. I'm never getting involved with another woman ever again."
"Hey, if you're turning gay, I'm moving out." He smiled.
An unexpected laugh came out. "No, probably not. But I'm never, ever going to vest emotions in a woman again."
Mark and I talked over how to best handle the situation. He offered me encouragement. We finished the whiskey and I went to bed, knowing what I had to do Monday morning.
#
I asked Petty Officer Watkins for permission to see Lieutenant Johnson on Monday. He made the phone call and my request was granted. On the way over to his office I wondered what I'd say to Holly. Probably nothing.
Walking into her office, relief swept over me when I discovered she wasn't at her desk. I knocked on Lieutenant Johnson's door.
"Enter," his voice called out.
I went in and stood in front of his desk. "Thank you for seeing me, Lieutenant. I'd like to request a transfer, sir."
He remained seated. "And why's that?"
"Well, sir, I have another six months left here, but the place is haunting me. As you know, I sat here when you told me my mom died. Now, my girlfriend who lived on the island just committed suicide. This place reeks of death for me. Sir, I respectfully request to be transferred to a ship. One that's going to sea for a very, very long time. I don't care if I ever see land again." I looked him in the eyes. "Please, sir. This place holds so many bad memories for me. I'm afraid I'll go loony if I have to stay here."
He rubbed the corners of his mouth with his thumb and forefinger, and stared at me for several moments. "It's unusual to grant early transfers, but I think you're an exceptional case. I've always thought you'd be better suited as a sea-going sailor. Leave it with me, Chambers. I'll see what I can do."
"Thank you, sir. I would be forever indebted."
I looked at Holly's vacant desk as I left. Tears pooled in my eyes as I walked past and sadness stabbed my heart. I wondered what the baby would look like. Boy or girl? Would I ever see a picture? A vision of me walking into our log cabin in Oregon flashed through my mind-Holly standing at the stove making spaghetti and asking about my day. I really did love her.
#
Three weeks later, I stood at the bottom of the gangplank of the USS Expectation; a seabag with all my worldly possessions on my back and orders to report aboard in my hand. I would still be home-ported in Pearl Harbor, but wouldn't be spending much time there. Within a week, my new ship and I would be on a six-month deployment to the Western Pacific.
I couldn't wait.
Trouble Triangle (Tyler's Trouble Trilogy) Page 29
