14 Psmith in the City

by Unknown

  Psmith sipped meditatively.

  ‘How pleasant,’ he said, ‘after strife is rest. We shouldn’t have appreciated this simple cup of tea had our sensibilities remained unstirred this afternoon. We can now sit at our ease, like warriors after the fray, till the time comes for setting out to Comrade Waller’s once more.’

  Mike looked up.

  ‘What! You don’t mean to say you’re going to sweat out to Clapham again?’

  ‘Undoubtedly. Comrade Waller is expecting us to supper.’

  ‘What absolute rot! We can’t fag back there.’

  ‘Noblesse oblige. The cry has gone round the Waller household, “Jackson and Psmith are coming to supper,” and we cannot disappoint them now. Already the fatted blancmange has been killed, and the table creaks beneath what’s left of the midday beef. We must be there; besides, don’t you want to see how the poor man is? Probably we shall find him in the act of emitting his last breath. I expect he was lynched by the enthusiastic mob.’

  ‘Not much,’ grinned Mike. ‘They were too busy with us. All right, I’ll come if you really want me to, but it’s awful rot.’

  One of the many things Mike could never understand in Psmith was his fondness for getting into atmospheres that were not his own. He would go out of his way to do this. Mike, like most boys of his age, was never really happy and at his ease except in the presence of those of his own years and class. Psmith, on the contrary, seemed to be bored by them, and infinitely preferred talking to somebody who lived in quite another world. Mike was not a snob. He simply had not the ability to be at his ease with people in another class from his own. He did not know what to talk to them about, unless they were cricket professionals. With them he was never at a loss.

  But Psmith was different. He could get on with anyone. He seemed to have the gift of entering into their minds and seeing things from their point of view.

  As regarded Mr Waller, Mike liked him personally, and was prepared, as we have seen, to undertake considerable risks in his defence; but he loathed with all his heart and soul the idea of supper at his house. He knew that he would have nothing to say. Whereas Psmith gave him the impression of looking forward to the thing as a treat.

  The house where Mr Waller lived was one of a row of semi-detached villas on the north side of the Common. The door was opened to them by their host himself. So far from looking battered and emitting last breaths, he appeared particularly spruce. He had just returned from Church, and was still wearing his gloves and tall hat. He squeaked with surprise when he saw who were standing on the mat.

  ‘Why, dear me, dear me,’ he said. ‘Here you are! I have been wondering what had happened to you. I was afraid that you might have been seriously hurt. I was afraid those ruffians might have injured you. When last I saw you, you were being—’

  ‘Chivvied,’ interposed Psmith, with dignified melancholy. ‘Do not let us try to wrap the fact up in pleasant words. We were being chivvied. We were legging it with the infuriated mob at our heels. An ignominious position for a Shropshire Psmith, but, after all, Napoleon did the same.’

  ‘But what happened? I could not see. I only know that quite suddenly the people seemed to stop listening to me, and all gathered round you and Jackson. And then I saw that Jackson was engaged in a fight with a young man.’

  ‘Comrade Jackson, I imagine, having heard a great deal about all men being equal, was anxious to test the theory, and see whether Comrade Bill was as good a man as he was. The experiment was broken off prematurely, but I personally should be inclined to say that Comrade Jackson had a shade the better of the exchanges.’

  Mr Waller looked with interest at Mike, who shuffled and felt awkward. He was hoping that Psmith would say nothing about the reason of his engaging Bill in combat. He had an uneasy feeling that Mr Waller’s gratitude would be effusive and overpowering, and he did not wish to pose as the brave young hero. There are moments when one does not feel equal to the role.

  Fortunately, before Mr Waller had time to ask any further questions, the supper-bell sounded, and they went into the dining-room.

  Sunday supper, unless done on a large and informal scale, is probably the most depressing meal in existence. There is a chill discomfort in the round of beef, an icy severity about the open jam tart. The blancmange shivers miserably.

  Spirituous liquor helps to counteract the influence of these things, and so does exhilarating conversation. Unfortunately, at Mr Waller’s table there was neither. The cashier’s views on temperance were not merely for the platform; they extended to the home. And the company was not of the exhilarating sort. Besides Psmith and Mike and their host, there were four people present—Comrade Prebble, the orator; a young man of the name of Richards; Mr Waller’s niece, answering to the name of Ada, who was engaged to Mr Richards; and Edward.

  Edward was Mr Waller’s son. He was ten years old, wore a very tight Eton suit, and had the peculiarly loathsome expression which a snub nose sometimes gives to the young.

  It would have been plain to the most casual observer that Mr Waller was fond and proud of his son. The cashier was a widower, and after five minutes’ acquaintance with Edward, Mike felt strongly that Mrs Waller was the lucky one. Edward sat next to Mike, and showed a tendency to concentrate his conversation on him. Psmith, at the opposite end of the table, beamed in a fatherly manner upon the pair through his eyeglass.

  Mike got on with small girls reasonably well. He preferred them at a distance, but, if cornered by them, could put up a fairly good show. Small boys, however, filled him with a sort of frozen horror. It was his view that a boy should not be exhibited publicly until he reached an age when he might be in the running for some sort of colours at a public school.

  Edward was one of those well-informed small boys. He opened on Mike with the first mouthful.

  ‘Do you know the principal exports of Marseilles?’ he inquired.

  ‘What?’ said Mike coldly.

  ‘Do you know the principal exports of Marseilles? I do.’

  ‘Oh?’ said Mike.

  ‘Yes. Do you know the capital of Madagascar?’

  Mike, as crimson as the beef he was attacking, said he did not.

  ‘I do.’

  ‘Oh?’ said Mike.

  ‘Who was the first king—’

  ‘You mustn’t worry Mr Jackson, Teddy,’ said Mr Waller, with a touch of pride in his voice, as who should say ‘There are not many boys of his age, I can tell you, who could worry you with questions like that.’

  ‘No, no, he likes it,’ said Psmith, unnecessarily. ‘He likes it. I always hold that much may be learned by casual chit-chat across the dinner-table. I owe much of my own grasp of—’

  ‘I bet you don’t know what’s the capital of Madagascar,’ interrupted Mike rudely.

  ‘I do,’ said Edward. ‘I can tell you the kings of Israel?’ he added, turning to Mike. He seemed to have no curiosity as to the extent of Psmith’s knowledge. Mike’s appeared to fascinate him.

  Mike helped himself to beetroot in moody silence.

  His mouth was full when Comrade Prebble asked him a question. Comrade Prebble, as has been pointed out in an earlier part of the narrative, was a good chap, but had no roof to his mouth.

  ‘I beg your pardon?’ said Mike.

  Comrade Prebble repeated his observation. Mike looked helplessly at Psmith, but Psmith’s eyes were on his plate.

  Mike felt he must venture on some answer.

  ‘No,’ he said decidedly.

  Comrade Prebble seemed slightly taken aback. There was an awkward pause. Then Mr Waller, for whom his fellow Socialist’s methods of conversation held no mysteries, interpreted.

  ‘The mustard, Prebble? Yes, yes. Would you mind passing Prebble the mustard, Mr Jackson?’

  ‘Oh, sorry,’ gasped Mike, and, reaching out, upset the water-jug into the open jam-tart.

  Through the black mist which rose before his eyes as he leaped to his feet and stammered apologies came the dispassionate voice
of Master Edward Waller reminding him that mustard was first introduced into Peru by Cortez.

  His host was all courtesy and consideration. He passed the matter off genially. But life can never be quite the same after you have upset a water-jug into an open jam-tart at the table of a comparative stranger. Mike’s nerve had gone. He ate on, but he was a broken man.

  At the other end of the table it became gradually apparent that things were not going on altogether as they should have done. There was a sort of bleakness in the atmosphere. Young Mr Richards was looking like a stuffed fish, and the face of Mr Waller’s niece was cold and set.

  ‘Why, come, come, Ada,’ said Mr Waller, breezily, ‘what’s the matter? You’re eating nothing. What’s George been saying to you?’ he added jocularly.

  ‘Thank you, uncle Robert,’ replied Ada precisely, ‘there’s nothing the matter. Nothing that Mr Richards can say to me can upset me.’

  ‘Mr Richards!’ echoed Mr Waller in astonishment. How was he to know that, during the walk back from church, the world had been transformed, George had become Mr Richards, and all was over?

  ‘I assure you, Ada—’ began that unfortunate young man. Ada turned a frigid shoulder towards him.

  ‘Come, come,’ said Mr Waller disturbed. ‘What’s all this? What’s all this?’

  His niece burst into tears and left the room.

  If there is anything more embarrassing to a guest than a family row, we have yet to hear of it. Mike, scarlet to the extreme edges of his ears, concentrated himself on his plate. Comrade Prebble made a great many remarks, which were probably illuminating, if they could have been understood. Mr Waller looked, astonished, at Mr Richards. Mr Richards, pink but dogged, loosened his collar, but said nothing. Psmith, leaning forward, asked Master Edward Waller his opinion on the Licensing Bill.

  ‘We happened to have a word or two,’ said Mr Richards at length, ‘on the way home from church on the subject of Women’s Suffrage.’

  ‘That fatal topic!’ murmured Psmith.

  ‘In Australia—’ began Master Edward Waller.

  ‘I was rayther—well, rayther facetious about it,’ continued Mr Richards.

  Psmith clicked his tongue sympathetically.

  ‘In Australia—’ said Edward.

  ‘I went talking on, laughing and joking, when all of a sudden she flew out at me. How was I to know she was ‘eart and soul in the movement? You never told me,’ he added accusingly to his host.

  ‘In Australia—’ said Edward.

  ‘I’ll go and try and get her round. How was I to know?’

  Mr Richards thrust back his chair and bounded from the room.

  ‘Now, iawinyaw, iear oiler—’ said Comrade Prebble judicially, but was interrupted.

  ‘How very disturbing!’ said Mr Waller. ‘I am so sorry that this should have happened. Ada is such a touchy, sensitive girl. She—’

  ‘In Australia,’ said Edward in even tones, ‘they’ve got Women’s Suffrage already. Did you know that?’ he said to Mike.

  Mike made no answer. His eyes were fixed on his plate. A bead of perspiration began to roll down his forehead. If his feelings could have been ascertained at that moment, they would have been summed up in the words, ‘Death, where is thy sting?’

  18. Psmith Makes a Discovery

  ‘Women,’ said Psmith, helping himself to trifle, and speaking with the air of one launched upon his special subject, ‘are, one must recollect, like—like—er, well, in fact, just so. Passing on lightly from that conclusion, let us turn for a moment to the Rights of Property, in connection with which Comrade Prebble and yourself had so much that was interesting to say this afternoon. Perhaps you’—he bowed in Comrade Prebble’s direction—’would resume, for the benefit of Comrade Jackson—a novice in the Cause, but earnest—your very lucid—’

  Comrade Prebble beamed, and took the floor. Mike began to realize that, till now, he had never known what boredom meant. There had been moments in his life which had been less interesting than other moments, but nothing to touch this for agony. Comrade Prebble’s address streamed on like water rushing over a weir. Every now and then there was a word or two which was recognizable, but this happened so rarely that it amounted to little. Sometimes Mr Waller would interject a remark, but not often. He seemed to be of the opinion that Comrade Prebble’s was the master mind and that to add anything to his views would be in the nature of painting the lily and gilding the refined gold. Mike himself said nothing. Psmith and Edward were equally silent. The former sat like one in a trance, thinking his own thoughts, while Edward, who, prospecting on the sideboard, had located a rich biscuit-mine, was too occupied for speech.

  After about twenty minutes, during which Mike’s discomfort changed to a dull resignation, Mr Waller suggested a move to the drawing-room, where Ada, he said, would play some hymns.

  The prospect did not dazzle Mike, but any change, he thought, must be for the better. He had sat staring at the ruin of the blancmange so long that it had begun to hypnotize him. Also, the move had the excellent result of eliminating the snub-nosed Edward, who was sent to bed. His last words were in the form of a question, addressed to Mike, on the subject of the hypotenuse and the square upon the same.

  ‘A remarkably intelligent boy,’ said Psmith. ‘You must let him come to tea at our flat one day. I may not be in myself—I have many duties which keep me away—but Comrade Jackson is sure to be there, and will be delighted to chat with him.’

  On the way upstairs Mike tried to get Psmith to himself for a moment to suggest the advisability of an early departure; but Psmith was in close conversation with his host. Mike was left to Comrade Prebble, who, apparently, had only touched the fringe of his subject in his lecture in the dining-room.

  When Mr Waller had predicted hymns in the drawing-room, he had been too sanguine (or too pessimistic). Of Ada, when they arrived, there were no signs. It seemed that she had gone straight to bed. Young Mr Richards was sitting on the sofa, moodily turning the leaves of a photograph album, which contained portraits of Master Edward Waller in geometrically progressing degrees of repulsiveness—here, in frocks, looking like a gargoyle; there, in sailor suit, looking like nothing on earth. The inspection of these was obviously deepening Mr Richards’ gloom, but he proceeded doggedly with it.

  Comrade Prebble backed the reluctant Mike into a corner, and, like the Ancient Mariner, held him with a glittering eye. Psmith and Mr Waller, in the opposite corner, were looking at something with their heads close together. Mike definitely abandoned all hope of a rescue from Psmith, and tried to buoy himself up with the reflection that this could not last for ever.

  Hours seemed to pass, and then at last he heard Psmith’s voice saying good-bye to his host.

  He sprang to his feet. Comrade Prebble was in the middle of a sentence, but this was no time for polished courtesy. He felt that he must get away, and at once. ‘I fear,’ Psmith was saying, ‘that we must tear ourselves away. We have greatly enjoyed our evening. You must look us up at our flat one day, and bring Comrade Prebble. If I am not in, Comrade Jackson is certain to be, and he will be more than delighted to hear Comrade Prebble speak further on the subject of which he is such a master.’ Comrade Prebble was understood to say that he would certainly come. Mr Waller beamed. Mr Richards, still steeped in gloom, shook hands in silence.

  Out in the road, with the front door shut behind them, Mike spoke his mind.

  ‘Look here, Smith,’ he said definitely, ‘if being your confidential secretary and adviser is going to let me in for any more of that sort of thing, you can jolly well accept my resignation.’

  ‘The orgy was not to your taste?’ said Psmith sympathetically.

  Mike laughed. One of those short, hollow, bitter laughs.

  ‘I am at a loss, Comrade Jackson,’ said Psmith, ‘to understand your attitude. You fed sumptuously. You had fun with the crockery—that knockabout act of yours with the water-jug was alone worth the money—and you had the advantage of listeni
ng to the views of a master of his subject. What more do you want?’

  ‘What on earth did you land me with that man Prebble for?’

  ‘Land you! Why, you courted his society. I had practically to drag you away from him. When I got up to say good-bye, you were listening to him with bulging eyes. I never saw such a picture of rapt attention. Do you mean to tell me, Comrade Jackson, that your appearance belied you, that you were not interested? Well, well. How we misread our fellow creatures.’

  ‘I think you might have come and lent a hand with Prebble. It was a bit thick.’

  ‘I was too absorbed with Comrade Waller. We were talking of things of vital moment. However, the night is yet young. We will take this cab, wend our way to the West, seek a cafe, and cheer ourselves with light refreshments.’

  Arrived at a cafe whose window appeared to be a sort of museum of every kind of German sausage, they took possession of a vacant table and ordered coffee. Mike soon found himself soothed by his bright surroundings, and gradually his impressions of blancmange, Edward, and Comrade Prebble faded from his mind. Psmith, meanwhile, was preserving an unusual silence, being deep in a large square book of the sort in which Press cuttings are pasted. As Psmith scanned its contents a curious smile lit up his face. His reflections seemed to be of an agreeable nature.

  ‘Hullo,’ said Mike, ‘what have you got hold of there? Where did you get that?’

  ‘Comrade Waller very kindly lent it to me. He showed it to me after supper, knowing how enthusiastically I was attached to the Cause. Had you been less tensely wrapped up in Comrade Prebble’s conversation, I would have desired you to step across and join us. However, you now have your opportunity.’

  ‘But what is it?’ asked Mike.

  ‘It is the record of the meetings of the Tulse Hill Parliament,’ said Psmith impressively. ‘A faithful record of all they said, all the votes of confidence they passed in the Government, and also all the nasty knocks they gave it from time to time.’