Heronfield

by Dorinda Balchin

  "Me? Why?"

  "Because, as a radio operator you’ll be on your own. You’ll live alone in digs with no contact with other groups or agents. And each time you leave to send and receive you’ll have to sneak the transmitter out, find a safe place to work and then sneak back. The tension will be intense when you’re working, and the boredom unbearable when you’re not."

  Angeline smiled. "Don't worry about me. I like to be alone. I’ll take this opportunity to read a lot of French novels I've always wanted to read but have never had the time to before!"

  As Tony replaced the map of Saint Nazaire in its drawer, he thought what a remarkable woman Lieutenant Anna Watson was. He was glad she was part of his team.

  76

  During 1941 and early 1942, the British losses to German U-boats in the Atlantic were high, causing shortages of all manner of goods in the beleaguered island kingdom. In retaliation for these losses Churchill ordered the bombing of German cities. Hitler responded with the Baedeker Raids, named after the holiday guides that Hitler used to choose his targets. Each city hit was of outstanding historical value and beauty, raids designed to hit at the very core of British morale. The raids began on 24th April at Exeter, then Bath, York, Norwich, Exeter and Norwich again. There were a number of raids on Canterbury, and finally again on Norwich towards the end of June. The raids were serious and the effects long-lasting, but they did not break Britain’s spirit as Hitler hoped. Instead they strengthened the resolve of the people to stand against the aggressor, and to turn the tide of the war.

  Tony was held up at Beaulieu, giving lectures to a new group of recruits, and did not return to Heronfield until 24th April, with just one week to go before he was due to drop into France. The excitement he felt at the prospect of returning to enemy held territory was overpowered by the thrill of knowing he would soon be seeing Sarah again. Since their visit to Bath, he now knew where his life was taking him. He could see a bright future for him with Sarah by his side, once Germany was defeated. He often found himself wondering how Sarah felt, and would have been surprised at the similarity of their emotions. While Tony was away, Sarah thought deeply about their relationship. She too dreamt of a future together in that distant time 'after the war', but she believed that she was realistic enough to see this was nothing more than a dream. She decided that she would continue to see Tony. Why deprive herself of his company while she could still enjoy it? But she would not reveal the depths of her feelings to him. She would let him dictate the pace of their relationship, whether he chose friendship or romance, she would abide by his choice, enjoy what time she could with him, and be ready to say goodbye when the freedom which wartime lent to relationship was over, and he returned to his own social class to seek a bride.

  Tony was well aware of Sarah’s habit of walking in the grounds of Heronfield House every evening, as long as her duties allowed. He made sure he was near the orchard that evening, and was rewarded with the sight of her slim figure slipping out of the back door.

  "Sarah!"

  At the sound of his voice Sarah turned and waved, a bright smile spreading across her face as she walked over to join him.

  "Tony! It's good to see you! I didn't expect you to get leave again so soon."

  Tony smiled.

  "I have to go to America to liaise for the Ministry next week, so they’ve given me a few days leave."

  "America?"

  Tony nodded. "Yes, to get the stocks of weapons moving across the Atlantic as quickly as possible. I’ll probably be away for a few months at least, so this was my last chance to visit my family...and you." He took Sarah’s hand in his. "I’ll miss you while I'm away."

  Sarah felt a knot of sorrow constricting her throat. "I...I'll miss you too Tony." She looked into his clear eyes. "You will write to me, won't you?"

  Tony’s eyes clouded and a slight frown puckered his brow. Write? He had not thought she would ask that. How would he be able to write to her from France? Sarah noticed his hesitation. She was angry with herself for trying to push him too far; he obviously did not want to write to her, she was not that important to him. Tony wished he could explain why it was so impossible for him to write. Finally, he smiled.

  "I’ll be very busy and have little time for writing, but I promise to get in touch with you whenever I can." Maybe, somehow, the SOE would be able to pass on messages for him. He squeezed her hand. "I’d much rather be with you than have to write letters. I never was much good at that."

  Sarah smiled though, deep in her heart, she felt saddened. She had obviously misread Tony’s feelings for her, and had now made an utter fool of herself. She turned from him slightly.

  "Come on, let's go for a walk."

  Tony fell in step beside her as they walked down towards the river. The estate was now coming to life beneath the magic touch of spring. Trees were clothed in mantles of fresh green, whilst the grass under foot was studded with spring flowers. Tony took Sarah’s hand in his and, slowly, the closeness they had felt in Bath enveloped them once more.

  The river was high, rushing between its banks, swollen with the previous day’s rain. The weak afternoon sun reflected from the water in glittering rays, and the willow trees were covered in bud.

  "It's so beautiful here." Sarah sighed. "People who live in cities don't know how much they're missing."

  Tony watched her radiant face, and he felt his heart filling with love. He reached out a hand and gently touched her cheek.

  "The city breeds beauty of its own."

  Sarah saw the tenderness in his eyes. Surely that could not be false? She smiled and leant her head to one side so his hand was caught between her shoulder and her cheek. The warmth of his fingers brought life to her cold cheek, and to her aching heart. Slowly she reached up and traced the fading scar on his forehead with a gentle fingertip. Tony smiled as he leant forward and kissed her, warm lips gentle, exploring. Sarah found herself responding to his kiss, and slipped a hand behind his head to hold him close. Tony’s lips became more insistent with the encouragement. His arms slid close about her, holding her slender body tightly to his chest. At last the moment was over and he drew away, smiling.

  He could hardly believe the look of love which flooded her eyes. Could she really care so much for him at last?

  "I'm so glad I met you, Sarah."

  "And I'm glad we met too."

  Sarah buried her head against his shoulder. The strong arms around her made her feel safe and secure. She felt wanted and loved for the first time since Joe. She found that she could think of him now without tears and, somehow, she felt he would wish her well and tell her to take any chance of happiness. He would want her to be happy with Tony. As she snuggled up closer, a heron rose from the reeds with a whirring of wings, rising like a phoenix from the flames. It seemed to symbolise a new love rising from the pain of the old. Feeling Tony’s arm tighten around her and seeing the smile on his face as he watched the heron in flight, she realised he could feel the new beginning too. Sarah smiled as she felt the ghost of her previous love for Joe buried at last, and a whole bright new future spreading out before her.

  The final few days of Tony’s leave passed in a dream for Sarah. The hours she was on duty seemed to drag, while her off duty hours spent with Tony flew by. They spent hours walking together, indulging their shared love for the countryside; and pleasant evenings in the local pubs Tony had known all his life and now delighted in showing Sarah. Sarah’s happiness was not confined inside but shone from her eyes, and was there in the constant smile on her lips. It was inevitable this change in her would be noticed. It was Jane who brought it out into the open.

  “You’re looking happy, Sarah.”

  Sarah smiled as her roommate sat down beside her upon the bed. "Yes, I suppose I am."

  "And you seem to be spending a lot of time with Tony."

  Sarah blushed slightly. "What of it?"

  "I thought you said you weren't interested in him?"

  "That was when Joe was still ali
ve, and Tony and I were just good friends. But after Joe’s death Tony was very supportive. I suppose he knew how I was feeling, because he'd lost his brother. I'm not sure how our friendship changed, it just grew over the months until we went to Bath a few weeks ago."

  "And?"

  Sarah glanced across at Jane and smiled at the inquisitive look in her friend’s eyes.

  "And what if I don't tell you anymore?"

  Jane looked crestfallen and Sarah laughed.

  "All right, I'll tell you. After all, I think you've probably guessed already." Her eyes took on a dreamy, faraway look. "While we were in Bath I realised that, over the months, Tony had worked his way into my heart. I love him."

  "And what about him? How does he feel?"

  Sarah shrugged. "I'm not sure. When we’re together we seem so right for each other, and he seems so happy and in love with me. But he hasn't said so yet."

  Jane frowned. "I don't want to be a wet blanket, Sarah, but can you be sure of his feelings? I know I've joked about you two having a relationship before, but that was while Joe was still alive and I knew it wouldn't really happen. I'm sure Tony is very fond of you, it's obvious from the way he looks at you, but there is a wide gulf between your life and his. I don't want to be cruel, but do you think he would want to marry someone of your social background?"

  Sarah nodded, her face suddenly solemn. "You're not being cruel Jane. I've thought of all these things myself. I don't think he will marry me, but I don't see why that should stop me spending time with him now. As long as he’s honest with me about his feelings, I shall continue to see him and just take it one day at a time."

  Jane sighed. "I suppose you're right, but it's going to be difficult."

  A grim smile played on Sarah lips. "I know. You don't have to tell me that."

  77

  Sarah was subdued as she pulled the thick woollen pullover over her head before making her way down to the river. It all seemed so quiet and peaceful; it would be so easy to forget the war here at Heronfield, where life continued as it had for countless centuries. Yet people could not cut themselves off from what was happening in the outside world. The radio was on constantly so that no news bulletins would be missed, and it was this that had so depressed Sarah. It had become a habit with her to go into the staff common room to listen to the news when she came off duty, and today she had been shocked to hear of the raid on Bath. At first she did not want to believe it, but as the truth sank in she felt numbed by what the Germans had done. She hardly saw her surroundings as she made her way down the path. Instead her mind saw again the beautiful old houses of the city which she had so recently visited with Tony, and the ancient Roman baths which had given the city its name and which she remembered with such fondness. Wondering how much damage had been done, she found herself hating the Germans more than ever for this senseless destruction. However much she detested it, she could understand the bombing of industrial centres that were contributing to the war effort. But places like Bath had no military value, and bombing them would not bring Germany’s war aims closer to fruition. It was a case of destruction for the sake of it, an assault not only on Britain’s heritage but upon the heart and will of the British people as well. She found her hatred of the German action strengthening her resolve, and hoped that all the British people felt the same as they contemplated the news of the Baedeker raids. Yet she could not fail to take the bombings personally. The city of Bath held a special place in her heart after her visit with Tony, and, although the wanton destruction could not destroy her memories, this attack touched her soul in a way that no other news of the war had done since the bombing of Coventry.

  Sarah found herself standing beneath the spreading branches of the old willow tree which leant over the bank of the river as though attempting to reach out and touch the gently flowing water. She sighed wearily and sat down, back against the textured surface of the tree trunk, leaning her head back to glance up through the gently swaying branches. It all seemed so peaceful here. Why could men not live in peace and harmony as demonstrated by nature? Sarah closed her eyes, picturing the city of Bath as it had been when she walked the streets with Tony. In the peace and tranquility of the countryside she drifted slowly into sleep.

  A tender smile lit Tony’s face when he found her there half an hour later. She looked so peaceful, so beautiful, and he felt his heart swell with love for her. Tony leant down and kissed her gently on the lips, then watched as the touch brought her slowly awake. Sarah stretched languorously then slowly opened her eyes.

  "Tony!"

  The young man smiled as he sat down beside her.

  "Sorry I'm a little late, Sarah." He leant over and kissed her again, still finding it hard to believe that she would want to kiss him. "You look beautiful when you're asleep."

  Sarah blushed, feeling vulnerable after being found like that, as though Tony had been able to see all of her hidden fears and emotions. Tony seemed to sense her unease and smiled.

  "I'm sorry I was late, but I had to take a telephone call just before leaving the lodge." He was quiet for a moment, recalling the voice which had told him that conditions over the next couple of days would be perfect for a drop into France so he must return immediately to prepare for his mission. His feelings at the news were mixed. He wanted desperately to get back to France and to continue the fight against the Germans, but at the same time he wanted to remain with Sarah. Now that their relationship was developing, he wished he could have just a little more time with her to be sure of her feelings. He frowned slightly. "I have to return to base tonight, and leave for America in the next day or so." He turned to face Sarah, his emotions plainly visible on his face. "I'm going to miss you, Sarah."

  Sarah reached out and took his hand in hers. "How long do you think you'll be away?"

  Tony shrugged. "I don't know. At least three or four months, I suppose, maybe even longer. It all depends on how things go."

  Sarah felt saddened at the prospect of not seeing him again for months, but at least it would give him time to think about their relationship. She felt that by the time he came back she would know, one way or the other, if their relationship had any chance of lasting.

  "Will you write?"

  Tony felt uneasy about the question. He had thought about that a lot over the last week but still had not come up with a way to keep in touch with Sarah while he was in France. His voice was halting as he spoke.

  "I’ll try to keep in touch, but I can't promise anything. I'm going to be very busy for the next few months."

  Sarah frowned. It did not sound too encouraging.

  "Will I be able to write to you?"

  "I'm not sure where I'll be. I'll be moving around a lot, you know."

  Sarah felt crestfallen. It sounded as if he didn't want to write to her, and neither did he want to receive letters from her while he was away. Tony saw the sadness in her eyes and felt helpless as to how to explain the situation to her without giving too much away.

  "I tell you what," he said at last, with a forced cheerfulness. "I'll give you the address I told you about in London. You can write to me there, and they’ll forward the letters.”

  Sarah smiled. "All right." She supposed it was better than nothing, and she determined not to let it spoil her last few hours with Tony. As she leant her head against his shoulder, Tony slipped an arm around her, holding her close. It felt so good to have her in his arms. He knew that through the long lonely moments he would endure during the next few months it would be a treasured memory that he could take out and enjoy once more. His arm tightened around Sarah’s shoulders, as he thought about the possibility that he might not come back at all. This could be the last time that he would ever hold her.

  At the pressure from his arms, Sarah looked up. She felt her breath taken away by the look of longing in his eyes. There was no need for words as Tony leant down and kissed her, softly at first but then more insistently. As Sarah responded to the warming pleasure of his lips, he reached a hand b
ehind her head, softly stroking her hair. His lips became more insistent, pressing harder against hers as his fingers tangled roughly in her hair. Slowly, his hand slid down her back to her waist then, of its own volition, under the thick woollen sweater. Sarah caught her breath and pulled away slightly, breaking the contact of their lips as his fingers stroked the bare skin of her back.

  "I'm sorry, Sarah." Tony’s voice was husky with desire. "I care for you so much. I just wanted to touch you, to hold you, before I leave. I shouldn't have pushed you. We’ll have all the time in the world for that in the future."

  Sarah was in emotional turmoil. Her skin burned where his fingers had stroked, crying out to be touched again. Yet she also felt uneasy, not quite sure if she was ready for this change in their relationship. But at Tony’s words, her muddled thoughts cleared. Once before a man had touched her and she had stopped him, saying that they had all the time in the world. But time had run out and she had never been able to indulge her love for him. Now Tony’s touch excited her in such a way that she did not want him to stop. She longed to feel his hands exploring her body, to feel his naked flesh beneath her fingers. Yet she had pulled away, just has she had done with Joe. She would not make the same mistake again.

  Taking Tony’s hand in hers, she looked at his long, beautifully shaped fingers, wondering at their softness, wondering how they would feel against the hidden depths of her flesh. Looking up into his eyes, she raised his hand and placed it gently on her breast.

  A loan moan escaped Tony’s lips. "Are you sure about this, Sarah?"

  She nodded, and his hand began to knead her breast through the sweater. Tony’s mind was on fire. She felt so soft, so yielding beneath his touch, yet he wanted more. As he kissed her, his hand slipped lower until it was inside the sweater, then it was upon the soft skin of her breast. Sarah gasped at his touch. Tongues of fire coursed through her veins and she pressed herself closer to him. She could not let him go without allowing him to share more of himself with her, without touching more of him herself. Her hand slipped inside his shirt and stroked the strong, hard muscles of his back. Slowly, gasping for breath, Tony pulled away.