Heronfield

by Dorinda Balchin

  Alice wore a puzzled frown. "If you're on duty at Christmas, what are you doing here instead of visiting your family now? You're not working in Coventry, are you?"

  Tony looked a little uncomfortable and Sarah intervened.

  "Mum, I'm sure Tony doesn't want to talk about this."

  "That's all right, Sarah." Tony smiled gratefully. "To tell the truth, Mrs. Porter, I don't get on very well with my father at the moment. I think I'll probably go back to camp for Christmas. At least that way I can share it with some of my friends."

  "Don't you think you ought to make an effort with your family? After all, who knows what might happen during the next year. Nothing is safe or sure while we're at war."

  "Mum!"

  Alice smiled apologetically at Sarah. "I'm sorry love, I didn't mean to embarrass Tony. It's just that I know what it's like to lose someone in a war. I don't know what I would have done if your father and I had parted on bad terms, and never had a chance to make it up."

  Tony nodded. "That's all right. I'm sure your mother meant well, Sarah." He turned towards his hostess. "The truth is Mrs. Porter, I would love to go home and put things right with my family, but I can't see that happening with Dad so mad at me. I shall really miss Mamma this Christmas. That’s why I appreciate your generosity so much."

  Alice smiled. "Well then, let's enjoy this Christmas together." She gathered together the empty plates. "I'll just take these plates into the kitchen and fetch the pudding."

  Sarah turned an embarrassed face towards Tony.

  "I'm sorry about that. Mum can sometimes be a bit outspoken."

  Tony grinned. "Don't worry. In fact, I like her openness. You obviously get on well together."

  Sarah nodded. "I had no father, so we've always been extra close."

  Alice returned with the Christmas pudding as Sarah spoke. It was a beautiful round pudding with a sprig of holly stuck jauntily in the top, just like the traditional pre-war puddings.

  "Mm, that looks, and smells, delicious."

  "I only hope it tastes as good. It's a recipe I got from the paper. There’s a few things in it you wouldn't expect to find in a traditional Christmas pudding, but it's the best I can do with the rationing."

  "It looks wonderful, Mrs. Porter."

  And so it was. In no time at all the pudding was eaten, and the three people rose from the table.

  Tony smiled his appreciation at Alice. "I'll help you with the washing up."

  "You'll do no such thing! You're our guest! Sarah and I will do it later. Now, sit down and relax."

  Alice sat in her favourite chair by the fire as Tony seated himself on the sofa. Sarah fetched the present from beneath the tree.

  "Happy Christmas, Mum." She kissed Alice on the cheek as she handed the present over. "I hope you like it."

  "I'm sure I will, love." Alice opened the parcel carefully and gazed at the beautiful cloth. "Oh Sarah, it's lovely." She placed it on one side and stood up to hug her daughter, before taking a much smaller present from beneath the tree. "This is for you, love."

  Sarah took the present and unwrapped it, to find a pair of gold earrings in the shape of small bluebirds. Her eyes shone with delight as she carefully put them on and admired herself in the mirror.

  "They're lovely."

  "They really suit you."

  Sarah turned to Tony who smiled as he watched the two women exchanging gifts, although his happiness was tempered with sadness as he thought of the coming Christmas Day when he would be unable to share such moments with his own family. Sarah seemed to guess his thoughts and, suddenly, an image came into her mind.

  "Will you excuse me for a moment?"

  Alice and Tony exchanged a puzzled glance as Sarah hurried from the room and rushed upstairs. Once in her room she took out the small gold tie pin she had bought that morning. As she held the tiny heron in the palm of her hand she felt once again the warmth of the summer sun and Tony’s lips on hers. She felt a deep certainty that the tie pin was not meant for her. Destiny had led her to it that morning, so she could buy it for Tony. It would not compensate him for spending Christmas away from his family, but it might help. She put the golden heron back into its box and carried it downstairs. As she entered the room, Alice gave her a quizzical look then rose to her feet.

  "I'll just go and make some of that counterfeit coffee they sell now."

  She closed the door quietly behind her, leaving the two young people alone together. Sarah smiled shyly at Tony and held out the small leather box.

  "I bought this this morning, and I'd like you to have it. Happy Christmas, Tony."

  Tony took the box and opened it carefully. He sat silently for a few moments lost in his thoughts.

  Sarah frowned.

  "Don't you like it?"

  Tony fought to control his emotions as he looked up. "Like it? It's beautiful Sarah. It reminds me of home, and the times we shared together there."

  Sarah felt an overwhelming desire to hold him,. Tony’s thoughts were so like her own. She felt so close to him, and she wished this could last forever. Tony saw her emotions reflected in her eyes, and slowly stood up. He placed the small leather box on the arm of the sofa and reached out to touch her cheek. This time Sarah did not pull away. She stood, frozen, not knowing what to do. At this moment she wanted to be with Tony, the Tony she loved. But who knew what he would be like next time they met? Should she give way to her feelings and leave herself open to hurt once more? Or should she play safe and stay with Bobby? Tony leant forward and gently brushed her lips with his. For a moment Sarah responded, but then caution won over the feelings of her heart and she pulled away.

  “No, Tony." Her voice was little more than a whisper as she compared his lips with Bobby’s. She knew which she preferred.

  Tony frowned. "Are you thinking of Bobby?"

  Sarah nodded, unable to speak. If she did, she would tell Tony that Bobby could not compete with him in her thoughts or her heart. Tony stood silently for a moment, remembering the feel of her lips beneath his and the way she began to respond. Then he smiled. She had responded, and earlier that day she had promised not to commit herself to Bobby until the end of the war. Why spoil a pleasant day by trying to rush things? Sarah relaxed as she saw Tony’s smile, though she was puzzled as to why he should smile at her rejection. Tony turned and picked up the small golden heron and looked at it once more.

  "It's so beautiful, Sarah, almost as beautiful as you are." He looked up at her. His eyes held hers so that she could not turn away. "I’ll keep this with me, and whenever I look at it I’ll think of home. But more importantly, I shall think of you. As long as I have this with me, I'll feel I have a part of you with me too."

  Sarah smiled and sat down on the sofa, and Tony sat beside her. They gazed at the small decorated tree and watched the tinsel throw back the reflected light of the fire. As Alice opened the door and entered with the coffee, they were both thinking this was a Christmas they would never forget.

  133

  “Hi, Sarah. Are you coming to the dance tomorrow night?”

  “I’m sorry Bobby, but I’m on duty tomorrow evening, and on Christmas afternoon.”

  “But it’s Christmas Eve tomorrow. I want to see you.”

  Sarah laughed at the sound of his voice on the end of the telephone. “You sound like a little boy who can’t get his way!”

  The sound of Bobby’s laughter reached her.

  “Sorry. But I was so looking forward to spending Christmas with you, and now I shall have to ditch all my plans.”

  “Perhaps we could meet for lunch tomorrow?” suggested Sarah.

  “Sure! Anything! As long as I get to see you!”

  “OK, lunch it is then.” Sarah smiled. “Our first Christmas together.”

  “I like the sound of that. Does it mean we can look forward to lots more?”

  “Who knows. No one can make plans until this war is over.”

  “Sure we can, if we want to.”

  Sarah smi
led. “Well, maybe.”

  “No maybe, Sarah. I’m making plans already “Bobby’s laughter echoed down the telephone again.

  “OK then, see you tomorrow.”

  “You’re on.”

  Sarah walked into the pub. Bobby’s present was wrapped in gay paper, tucked safely under her arm. The pub which seemed so dim at their first meeting was bright and full of life. Christmas decorations hung across the low ceiling. Bobby was already waiting for her, and rose eagerly to his feet, smiling broadly.

  "Over here, Sarah!"

  Sarah smiled and waved as she made her way through the crowd to join him at the table. She sat down gratefully.

  "I got you a sherry. Is that OK?"

  Sarah nodded. "Yes, lovely."

  She sipped the drink, then settled back in her seat. "Sorry I can't make it to the dance tonight."

  "That's OK. I’m sorry I made a fuss yesterday. The boys at the hospital need to enjoy their Christmas too. I'm sure I'd appreciate you being at my bedside, if I had to be in hospital for Christmas."

  "I hope that never happens."

  "What ? You hope you're never in a position to help me if I'm hurt?"

  Sarah laughed. "Don't be silly. What I meant is that I hope you are never in hospital, needing my help."

  Bobby looked thoughtful. "Who knows who will be in need of help next year. I'm sure the Second Front must come soon. I like to think that if I'm hurt, there'll be people like you to help me."

  Sarah felt a shiver run down her spine.

  "Don't talk like that, Bobby, I don't want you to tempt fate." She picked up the present. "We're here to celebrate Christmas, not to be morbid. Here, this is for you."

  Bobby smiled warmly as he reached out and took it. He felt the gift carefully, like a little boy, and Sarah could not help laughing.

  "Aren't you going to open it?"

  "I guess I shall have to, if I'm to find out what it is."

  He eagerly opened the present, and smiled as the book was revealed.

  “Gee, Sarah, this is great. I need this to help me learn more about your beautiful country. I’ll be sorry to leave when this war is over. But I can't wait to get home." He looked quizzically across the table. "What are you going to do after the war?"

  Sarah smiled. "That's easy. I'm going to train to be a proper nurse. I love my work."

  Bobby nodded. "That doesn't surprise me. Have you decided where you're going to study?"

  Sarah shook her head. "No. There’ll be plenty of time to think about that when we're at peace again."

  "We have a lot of good hospitals in America. You could always do your training over there." Bobby’s voice was hesitant, as though he was not sure he should have made the suggestion. Sarah felt uncomfortably nervous and shook her head.

  "Why should I want to do that?"

  "Perhaps you might like to be near me?"

  Sarah did not know what to say. She sat silently as Bobby took a small leather box from his pocket. He held it out nervously.

  "What I'm trying to say is that I love you, Sarah. I’d like you to be my wife."

  He opened the box, and Sarah gazed at the beautiful sapphire ring in its nest of white satin. She dared not raise her eyes to Bobby’s in case he saw her confusion. If he had asked her to marry him a few days previously, she would probably have said yes, choosing the safety and security he offered. But now that answer was impossible. She had seen Tony again and promised not to make a commitment to Bobby or anyone else until hostilities had ceased, when he felt that he would, in some mysterious way, be in a position to put their relationship back to where it had been before he had been changed so much by the war. If she was honest with herself however, she knew that, even without the promise, her answer would have been the same. After spending time alone with Tony, relaxing, sharing their thoughts, a brief tentative kiss, she knew she loved Tony with all her heart. She could not agree to marry anyone else. Now she was going to have to hurt Bobby, a man who had never done anything to hurt her. She sighed sadly.

  "What is it, Sarah? Why don't you answer?" Bobby’s eyes were pleading, full of love and fear. "You'll still be able to nurse if you marry me. I promise I'll never stand in the way of anything you want to do. I love you too much to do that. I only want to make you happy."

  At last Sarah raised her eyes to his, and Bobby’s heart sank. She did not have to say anything. He knew what her answer would be. But he was determined not to let her go without a fight.

  "Do you love someone else?" Bobby was thinking of Tony Kemshall. He remembered how he had looked when he found out that Sarah was seeing the American. The sick feeling he felt then returned once more as he awaited Sarah’s answer.

  "Yes...No... Oh it's difficult to explain." Sarah said in answer to his question. Bobby closed the box and put the ring carefully back into his pocket.

  "Take as much time as you like, Sarah. But I must know why."

  Sarah closed her eyes and took a deep breath. It seemed the time had arrived for her to tell Bobby everything she had kept from him. She opened her eyes. It was going to be hard, but it had to be done.

  "It all started long before the war,” Sarah began, her eyes looking into the distance and seeing not Bobby, but the man whose features so closely resembled his. "I fell in love with Joe. He lived in Coventry like me. We were so close, we knew each other so well." Her eyes filled with tears, but she did not notice them. "When war broke out I came down to Heronfield. Joe joined the Home Guard because he was found unfit for active service." She smiled a soft sad smile which tore at Bobby’s heart, but he did not interrupt her as she continued. "Joe and I were engaged, but before the wedding Joe was killed in an air raid." Now the tears began to flow but Sarah still did not seem to notice. "I loved him so much. It broke my heart to lose him, and I thought I would never love again. Joe left a hole in my life which took a long time to fill."

  Bobby reached out and took Sarah’s hand in his. The warmth of his touch brought Sarah back to the present. She looked down at his hand enfolding hers.

  "I can try to make you forget him, Sarah, if you give me a chance."

  Sarah carefully removed her hand from his and searched her handbag for a handkerchief. After wiping her eyes, she took a deep breath and looked at Bobby. He looked so full of sorrow at her loss that she did not want to continue with her story. But she knew she must. She shook her head sadly.

  “No, Bobby, I can't say yes. Do you remember Tony Kemshall?"

  Bobby nodded. How could he forget him?

  "Well, he helped me to get over Joe. For a time we went out together. We were happy; I thought we were in love, but somehow Tony doesn't seem able to cope with the war. One minute he’s a kind, generous, heroic man whom I can love. The next he’s thoughtless and seems to be a coward. I couldn't take the contradictions in his character. I didn't want to be hurt anymore, so I said I wouldn't see him again."

  "Then you met me?"

  Sarah nodded. "Yes. I don't think I would have stayed for that first drink if you hadn't looked so much like Joe.'

  "I look like Joe?" Bobby was feeling confused. Sarah had obviously been badly hurt emotionally, first by the loss of her fiancé and then by Tony Kemshall. He had hoped to be the one to help her get over that. But now it seemed that she only went out with him because he reminded her of Joe. What about all the good times they had shared together? Had she spent all her time with him wishing that he were someone else? It seemed that Sarah had read his thoughts, for she smiled sadly.

  "You look like Joe, but apart from that you’re nothing like him. You're kind and warm and fun to be with in your own way. You make me happy, and you make me feel safe."

  "Then why not marry me?"

  "Because it's not enough. I need to love the man I marry."

  "Surely love could grow? I'm willing to give it a chance." Bobby frowned. "Do you still feel more for Tony Kemshall than you do for me?"

  Sarah nodded sadly. "I saw him while I was on leave in Coventry. He was his o
ld self again, the one who helped me to get over Joe. He asked me to wait until after the war before making plans. He said he hoped we might have another chance together then."

  "And are you going to wait for him?"

  Sarah shrugged. "I promised to wait until after the war before making any commitments. I didn't promise that any commitment I made would be to him."

  "But you would like it to be?"

  Sarah nodded sadly. She kept her eyes on the table, unable to meet Bobby’s gaze and the pain that she would see.

  “Sarah, look at me."

  Reluctantly she lifted her eyes. To her surprise she saw that he was smiling. It was a sad smile which tugged at her heart, and made her wonder if she was doing the right thing.

  "I'm glad you told me all of this. It helps me to understand you better. If Kemshall is willing to leave you here with me until after the war, and then let you make your choice, then I'm willing to accept that too. But let me warn you, Sarah, I won't let you go without a fight. I’ll do my best between now and the end of the war to make you fall in love with me. Do you understand?"

  Sarah nodded. “Yes, but..."

  "No buts. I don't want to hear them. I know Kemshall has a head start on me, but while you’re single I can live in hope. All I ask is that you’ll continue to see me until I'm shipped out."

  "You still want to see me, after all I've said?"

  "Of course I do. I love you. I'm prepared to do whatever's necessary to make you fall in love with me too." Bobby smiled sadly. “Now, let's put all of this behind us and get on with what we came here for." He lifted his glass in salute. "Happy Christmas, Sarah."

  Sarah smiled too as she raised her glass. "Happy Christmas, Bobby. And thank you."

  Although he smiled, the happiness had gone from Bobby’s Christmas, but he would not let her see that. He vowed that, no matter what it took, Tony Kemshall would not be the one to marry the beautiful girl opposite him. The Englishman had his chance, and he had blown it. Now Bobby knew what he was up against he could fight back. He was determined he was the one who would spend the rest of his life with Sarah.