by Leanne Davis
“Oh.”
“Well?”
“Well what? Now? You want us to…”
“Yeah, that’s exactly what I want.”
“Aren’t we going out to dinner first? That’s why I was getting cleaned up.”
“Quite the little schedule-keeper aren’t you? No, I don’t want to go out with you. I want to stay right here with you.”
“You’ve been drinking.”
“I have. One drink, so don’t try to use your phobia about that as an excuse.”
“You’re upset. Were you thinking about Shelly? You did meet her here, right?”
Luke sighed. “No, actually I wasn’t. I was thinking about you. Sometimes it is just about you.”
“Oh,” she said secretly pleased by his answer, but still weary of his sudden mood change. It wasn’t like Luke to be chilly toward her.
“What’s the matter then?”
“Just come over here.”
She did, but left her robe firmly cinched at her waist. She wasn’t comfortable with Luke’s mood, and therefore she wasn’t doing anything sexual with him.
Then he ran his hand up her leg, starting at her knee and ending in a place she wouldn’t have dared think he’d touch with no preamble. Her legs gave out at the slightest pressure his hand exerted, and she gasped with shock and pleasure.
He hauled her around him so his one knee slipped between her legs, and put his hands up to the tie on her robe. He untied it, and then slowly parted the sides, letting the silk fall smoothly over her shoulders and drop into a puddle behind her. His hands slid over her flat stomach, up to her breasts, and then down toward the heat he’d begun to kindle. Slow and smooth his hands explored her, feeling each part of her body that his heated gaze seemed to memorize. His blue eyes went from cold to nearly sparking with lust, so blue and heated, Kelly had to look away. The feelings were all too intense, and being under his scrutiny as she experienced it overwhelmed her. It made her feel too vulnerable to him.
He slid his fingers along her panty line. Then softly, and so gently it nearly made her crazy, he dipped his fingers in her, with the softest amount of pressure. He aroused her so much, her legs were about to buckle. That and she wanted more. She wanted more pressure, now, and almost told him, but her shyness stopped her.
Then his mouth was on her stomach, kissing her navel, and trailing down, with excruciating slowness. His hands went around her and settled on her hips, dragging her closer. She tried to relax.
His breath was moist and warm over her. Then he slid her panties off and down her long legs. He was still moving with a casual slowness that was both dragging on the anticipation and driving her to near madness. He performed each movement with such precision, it was hard not to be completely aware of it, and of him. And to feel very vulnerable. There she was: naked before him, his intentions clear, and he was fully dressed and still sitting in the chair.
All of a sudden, she couldn’t do it. No matter how she tried to talk herself into it, how she tried to remind herself it was okay, it was Luke, that she was too uptight and needed this, and needed to relax, she couldn’t.
He started to kiss her again, along her thighs…up higher and higher his mouth skimmed over her. She closed her eyes. They popped open when he was hovering over her.
“Don’t!”
He jerked back and looked up to meet her eyes. He thought she was being shy. Traditional. Scared.
“It’s okay. Relax, it’ll feel good. Trust me.”
“No, it won’t.”
His eyes widened at the vehemence of her tone. She wasn’t being shy, she was standing naked and still in front of him. Did he get that?
“All right,” he said gently as he took her hand and tugged her down so she was straddling him. Face-to-face now, the shadowy light reflected off their skin, making the mood seem as serious as they were feeling with each other. He studied her face, then leaned his forehead against her, as if in defeat.
“That’s what was done to you, wasn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“You can trust me.”
“I know. I’m still here, aren’t I? I just can’t do that.”
He kissed her long and hard then. His tongue doing things to her mouth that felt as if he were stroking her entire body with it. She could feel him, hard and hot, pressing against her through his jeans. She rocked gently against the feeling that was only a fraction of what her body sought to feel, his clothing dulling the sensations that had her body nearly bursting with fire.
He pulled back as he kissed her down her neck and finally took a nipple in his mouth. He tugged and pulled, licked and kissed until she was moaning with pleasure and longing, her head thrown back, and her long hair cascading over his hands that held her torso still.
She scooted back until she found the snap on his jeans and fumbled around, trying to release him. Surprised at her own boldness she was still clumsy and inept. This part of sex she hadn’t yet grasped. How to gracefully get undressed and positioned correctly without making a mess of limbs and nearly ruining the passion of the moment. He chuckled against her mouth when she groaned in frustration.
“I warned you,” she said.
“Warned me?”
“I’m not very good at this.”
He got up then with her and walked the two steps to the bed. He lay her down first, following her as their legs intertwined and torsos touched. Once she was under him, he looked down at her, pushing her hair off her face. His tender touch almost undid her more than all the erotic foreplay he could conjure up.
“You told me before you couldn’t live up to any of the fantasies that your pictures created.”
“Yes. I warned you.”
He grinned. “You’re far better in person than any of my fantasies.”
“You don’t have fantasies.”
He laughed again as he rolled over and dragged her on top of him. “You really don’t know much about men. Now do what you were trying to over there.”
“What?”
“The pants. Take my pants off.”
“Oh.”
His body shook with another laugh. “God, you’re something else. Body of sin, mind of a nun. Go figure why I find you so desirable.”
She finally succeeded in getting his jeans off with lots of help from him. She then tugged on his boxer shorts and shirt and managed to get those off too, although his laughter at her lack of skill almost made her pinch him. But he did keep her from feeling stupid, or taking herself too seriously.
Then he just lay there. She didn’t know what happened to change his mood again. First, he’d been strangely intense, then startlingly hot, and now he was just lying there. What was he doing?
“Luke?”
“Yeah?”
“Aren’t you going to…” she trailed off, expecting him to react or take over, and continue what he’d started.
“No. I’m not. You are.”
She blanched, but he had his eyes shut as he lay there casually and expected her to…what? Pleasure him? That is not how she worked. She wasn’t very experienced at this. Nor did she have the imagination to know what to do. Plus, she didn’t want to, she liked him leading everything.
“But Luke…”
“But Kelly…”
“You’re being unreasonable. I’m going to leave right now. Then how smug will you feel? Lying here all alone, naked and unsatisfied?”
“You’re not leaving.” He didn’t open his eyes.
“Oh? And what makes you so sure?”
“Because you’re naked and unsatisfied, too. All you have to do is figure out what to do about that.”
“You’re being a jerk.”
“Punish me then.”
She groaned, still annoyed. “Why won’t you, you know, do what you usually do?”
“Because you still have issues you need to work out and you need to know you can trust me completely. I don’t care what you do or don’t do. You have the control. Some women would find that a nice cha
nge.”
“I don’t get it. I’m not afraid to have sex with you. I do trust you. I won’t do that one thing with you. Why are you pressing that?”
He laughed. “I’m not lying here waiting for that. I told you I don’t care what you do. Just do what you want to do. There are all kinds of fun things to do. I think you need to figure it out.”
“Luke, I can’t.”
“Kelly, you can.”
Feeling indignant by his sudden lack of guidance, she leaned over and kissed him, sure to keep all her body parts off his. So he wanted to make her uncomfortable, well then, she’d do the same to him. She kept kissing him, with considerable skill. She did nothing else. He would get frustrated, she was sure, and break their silent standoff. But no, he didn’t. He let her make out with him until she was pretty hot and bothered herself. What was the man made of? Ice water?
Finally she wanted to touch him. It didn’t seem as important then to prove any kind of point. She’d rather feel him against her than be right. She lay along the top of him, sighing with pleasure at the feel of him under her body. He remained relatively still and let her take the lead. She supposed this was an exercise in control, for both of them, and she assumed it was to teach her something. She ran her hands along his neck, down the muscles that formed his biceps, noticing how strong and smooth they were under her fingertips. Their very manliness was turning her on. He lifted weights several times a week, and his body showed it. She did too, but her body certainly didn’t look or feel as solid as his.
She finally worked her way down to his arousal, thick and hot under her legs. She could tell by his breathing, and the sudden sheen of sweat beading on his skin, that he was very turned on by her ministrations, chaste as they were so far. Still, he kept his eyes shut and his arms only loosely around her. She finally gave into her curiosity. She’d never really spent much time touching or even looking at the male anatomy.
He was warm and smooth, and not at all strange. She wasn’t sure what she’d expected, but liking it wasn’t one of them. Her hand finally wrapped around him, and she sighed with surprise that her pulse sped up in anticipation of this coming inside of her. Luke did more than sigh, he downright groaned with pleasure as she trailed her hand along him. There was probably some kind of technique better than her clumsy strokes, but Luke seemed to like what she was doing.
“I’m only touching you. No more.”
His eyes finally opened, they were dilated with pleasure and his skin was warm to her touch. Still, he didn’t press her for anything more.
“Touching is good. More than good.”
“Are you trying to make me less shy?”
“Yes. Is it working?”
She liked that even now, when they were like this, he could still tease her. Luke seemed to know that humor made her feel more comfortable with him, with herself, with them doing this, than all the words he could say.
She straddled him and slowly slid him inside her body. She even let him examine her body at length. Once she was comfortable, she began moving first slow, then fast, then slow again. To his credit, he still didn’t take over. He let her experiment on him like he was her biology project. A very, very, good project.
She came apart on him when he finally grabbed her hips with his hands and thrust into her as far and as hard as he could. They both seemed to come at the same moment, and fall back together on the bed, exhausted and satisfied.
****
It was different. Not better, just different and she liked that fact. She was energized where Luke seemed exhausted under her. Still, he didn’t seem to realize the breakthrough she’d just had. She was perfectly capable at sex. Not just a participant, but an actual involved, almost, knew-what-she-was-doing, lover.
“I was pretty good at that, wasn’t I?”
He chuckled and kissed her on top of her head. “Yeah, you were pretty good at that.”
“I still don’t want to do that other thing.”
“I think you’ve made that point about three times now. Noted.”
“Should I be sorry? I mean is it something that matters?”
“No, it really doesn’t matter.”
“Thank you for understanding.”
“Thank you for everything else.”
She slapped him playfully on the butt as he yanked the covers back and crawled under them. She followed him.
“How come you make everything that used to cause me such fear and anxiety seem like so much fun?”
“Because it is so much fun.”
“It wasn’t for me.”
He turned and ran a hand along her bare hip. “Is it now? Fun for you?”
“Yes. I never knew fun and sex could be the same thing.”
She lay there content and snuggled against him.
She suddenly sat straight up in bed. Birth control! They didn’t use any.
“We didn’t use anything! How could I forget that? How could you? You’re more experienced at this than I am. Oh God, I can’t believe we were so stupid.”
Luke sighed behind her. The bed shifted as he sat up and came next to her.
“It’s okay.”
“How can you say that?”
“Sit back. There’s something I have to tell you.”
“But…”
“Please, just listen to me for a minute.”
She was worked up. There was an edge to his voice.
“What I say here can’t be repeated.”
“You didn’t have to say that, isn’t it a given between us?”
“Yeah.”
“What is it?” she asked, finally ignoring her anxiety over not using birth control and noticing how tense he looked.
“I’m not Amelia’s father.”
Kelly blinked. His words didn’t process. Amelia? What was he talking about? Then it clicked Amelia, Shelly and his baby.
“Shelly cheated on you?”
“No. I’m sterile. We went through two years of infertility, then finally got a sperm donor, which took another year. It was a long grueling process we didn’t think was ever going to work. It was hard on us. On our marriage. It was hard to feel very manly or like having sex when you’re shooting blanks.”
Kelly went completely still. She was scared to say the wrong thing, and somehow ruin his trust in her, or make him feel bad.
“You never told anyone? Even John?”
“No one. It was between us and it wouldn’t matter who her biological father was. Our baby would be ours. Shelly had a hard time with it and didn’t want anyone to know.”
“And you? It had to be hard on you, too.”
“Yeah, it was.”
“What about after they died?”
“It would make everyone feel better. They’d think, ‘Oh well it wasn’t really Luke’s baby,’ and somehow they’d think it wasn’t hurting me as badly. It didn’t, nor does it matter. It was my daughter that died. Do you understand what I’m telling you?”
“You loved Shelly’s baby as your own, but Amelia not being yours biologically would make everyone feel better about your loss.”
“Yeah. So I’ve never told anyone.”
She was humbled and scared at the same time. “Why me? Why did you tell me?”
“I guess I wanted you to know. I could have made sure we used protection, but I guess this way I couldn’t back out of telling you. I can’t get you pregnant. I won’t ever be having kids. I figured after finding out I was sterile, then losing the sperm donor’s baby to a car accident, I took it as a pretty strong hint I’m not supposed to have a baby.”
“You can’t mean you think God doesn’t want you to have a baby.”
“That’s exactly what I think God wants.”
“Don’t you think maybe it was just a tragic event, and maybe not someone up there, declaring who should have what?”
“Doesn’t matter, it’s all a moot point for me. When I was still making payments to the infertility clinic, six months after my daughter’s death, I pretty much took i
t as a sign.”
“Oh Luke. Why didn’t you tell anyone this? Share this pain with someone?”
“How come you’re so big on me sharing my story with everyone around me?”
“Not everyone, just those who love you. I just can’t imagine how hard it must be on you.”
“I didn’t tell you this to make you feel sorry for me.”
Then why?
Because he was warning her. Luke wasn’t telling her this to confide in her, or use her as a sounding board for his pain. No. Luke was warning her loud and clear. He was not available for the long term.
He wasn’t looking for love, for a girlfriend, or even a date.
These were the rules of their relationship or friendship, or whatever this thing between them was, so why was he warning her that he couldn’t have kids?
Was it his way of making sure?
Sinking the final nail in their relationship coffin, and telling her they would never be more than what they were right now?
Right at this moment?
Chapter Twenty-One
“How do you do it?”
Kelly turned over in bed and had to lift an arm to shield her eyes from the morning sun that filled the hotel room as intensely as if a searchlight shone into her eyes. Groggily, Kelly sat up and noted that as usual, Luke was dressed, his hair still wet from a shower. Did the man ever linger in bed? Enjoy the fact that he had a willing woman next to him? That it was possible they could make love in the daylight? But no, Luke was already dressed and raring to go. Kelly sighed in disappointment and also smiled at the quirk. Luke was a drill sergeant in the morning.
“Do what?” she managed to ask after her brain finally processed what he’d said.
He threw a newspaper down on the bed and said in a disgusted tone, “Live your life in a fish bowl, where your every personal problem is magnified for the entire civilized world to know about and comment on.”
Kelly groaned, knowing just what awaited her in that newspaper. She threw the covers back, swung her legs to the floor and bypassed the newspaper on the way to the bathroom, proud of herself for not shying away from Luke. His gaze lingered on her before turning back to look at the paper.
It was only a matter of time before some tabloid or news show figured out what happened to her mother and ran some kind of splashy story that would twist everything all around and make her look bad. She hadn’t said a word to Luke about this aspect of her life. He had to figure it out soon enough. She took a shower, trying to shake some of the sleepiness out of her head. Yesterday had been far more emotional then she’d let on, and she was drained today.
