by Leanne Davis
“I never said I didn’t miss you. Haven’t we fought this fight?”
“No, I don’t think we have, because you still are as raw about your life as the day you moved into this condo. You’re not dating, or any different. You’re just lonelier because you live all alone now.”
“Don’t presume to know what I am.”
“See? That’s what you can’t stand about me. I know exactly what you are, and what you feel.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Yes, I do. More than anyone else and that’s why you push me away, and not because of some stupid agreement we had to not get too involved. Too late, we already were too involved. At least, be honest with yourself about why you try so hard to get rid of me. You’re scared you might actually get better, and then what would you do? Live again? Love again? You’re too scared of the guilt to move on, and even more scared about finding a life you actually want to live because that would mean you’ve healed.”
“What are you doing? You did move on.”
“I did. You don’t have a clue what I’ve been up to the last year. And no matter how hard you try to shove me away, I’m going to care about what happens to you. Or should I say, what doesn’t happen to you?”
Kelly got up and stormed off down the stairs and to the spare bedroom where she shoved the door closed with a slam. She didn’t want to listen to more of Luke’s total denial about his life. They were past sex. They weren’t even really friends. She was the person who knew too much about him and wanted him to get better, so he’d do everything he could to stay away from her. He was determined to never let go, or heal, or even remotely grow as a person.
She was just as determined to see that he did.
And then she’d decide if he loved her or not.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Kelly was driving him nuts. For the past week, he had to live with her. Why? He hadn’t yet figured that out. She was living in his spare room and absolutely nothing went on. They barely spoke, were unfailingly polite to one another, and hadn’t so much as brushed hands while grabbing the salt and pepper.
She was making him crazy.
She was everywhere, too. She kept her room like the aftermath of a hurricane, and though it was better out in the living room and kitchen, she still made a mess and didn’t always clean it up. He kept reminding her he wasn’t her cleaning staff, and she’d smile cheekily and claim she’d get to it. Kelly insisted that a little mess made the place feel lived in, that he kept things too perfect and it made her feel like she couldn’t breathe. He reminded her it was his condo, so he could keep it any damn way he pleased. She told him his obsession for clean bordered on sterile. He told her it was just common sense.
Kelly, it seemed, was learning to cook. She was home each evening, cooking herself dinner, which she then forced on him, whether he liked it or not. And he didn’t like it sometimes. She cooked weird, foreign stuff, telling him to expand his horizons and live a little. It was just food; it wouldn’t bite him. Luke replied to her that some of what she cooked just might bite him, or at the very least, make him sick.
She was loud, and she talked all the time, even to the TV. He could hear her even when he was up in his own room. She would have entire conversations with the people on her TV shows. She sounded like a sports fan, rooting for her team, when in fact, most of what she watched were dramas or soap operas, recorded on his DVR during the day.
He didn’t know what she did all day. She hung out a lot with Sarah, and of course, went over to the house with Cassie and the kids, but other than that, he didn’t know what she was up to. Whenever he asked, she shrugged him off.
It wasn’t like she tried to be in his thoughts, either. She toned down her fashion considerably since being there. Usually, it was mostly normal jeans and shirts, sometimes heels, because she seemed unable to stop herself from wearing them. And she was gone, a lot, yet there a lot. It was so weird. How could they, Luke and Kelly of last summer, live together as polite, platonic acquaintances? How could it happen?
****
“So why was it no one would even utter your name to me while you were gone?” Luke asked Kelly as they sat together, having dinner. He surprised himself by asking her to go with him to dinner. It wasn’t a date, but he was ridiculously glad to be sitting across from her, even though it was just the local Mexican restaurant. She probably usually ate gourmet at the hippest locations in L.A., of which Luke had no idea of what those would be, but he assumed that’s what Kelly was used to. He marveled that she never shared that world. She rarely mentioned it, in fact, and never turned her nose up at the lives lived here in Seaclusion.
“I was making some changes to my profession.”
“We got over your profession last summer.”
“You did. But I changed it, and I was embarrassed for anyone to know. I was afraid I’d chicken out, or fail, and a girl doesn’t want her ex to know such things.”
“Except I’m technically not your ex, so I don’t qualify. What’s the big secret?”
“I finished up a bunch of modeling contracts.”
“What’s the secret in that? I saw some of the ads.”
“You did?”
Luke shrugged. “Sure, I had Tim find out where they’d be featured and got them.”
Kelly cocked her head at him, her expression strange. He’d said too much. “You did that to see me?”
“No, I’m just a huge fan of fashion.”
She smiled at his sarcasm.
“So what are the big changes that have left you, according to Sarah, feeling wonderful? Is it Brett?”
“No, why are you so convinced it would be a man? And that man in particular?”
“You showed up at the birth of your sister’s baby with him in tow. I know you don’t take work home, so he had to be different.”
She nodded. “I already told you exactly what he is to me, my friend.”
“Your friend?”
“Yes. He’s one of the few real friends I have in L.A., whom I trust and I know would never sell me out. I’ve known him for eight years, and after he got over trying to sleep with me, he became one of my dearest and most loyal friends. Which, as you’ve witnessed, I’m dearly lacking in. So that’s why it was okay for him to show up at the hospital. I knew he wouldn’t mention it to anyone.”
“Oh. So I read that wrong and made a complete jerk of myself.”
“You did. Why did you?”
Luke shrugged. “You deserve better.”
“Thank you.”
“Well, how could I know that? I only know the rumors and I know you. Forgive me if I didn’t want to think about you being taken advantage of.”
“I don’t get taken advantage of.”
Luke smiled a lopsided grin at her. “I know that. I was temporarily an ass that day.”
Kelly smiled back. “Yes, you were, and you don’t have to tell me why, but have you admitted to yourself why you were?”
“I know why,” he said. He dared not enlighten her that part of it was due to the unfairness of his brother having his son born, and the other part was Kelly. It wasn’t fair to tell her that because he wasn’t prepared to act on it. “Are you ever going to tell me what you’ve been up to?”
“Fine. I started college,” she said, her eyes nearly glowing with pride. She promptly lowered them, as if embarrassed. “It’s taken me two quarters, most of which were bridge classes to get me to the level where I could even take first-year classes. I didn’t score real well on the placement tests, so it’s taken me this long to get caught up to most freshmen’s first quarter.”
“You’re serious?”
“Yes, why do you look like I just told you I started a porn studio? Is it really that shocking?”
“No, not to me. I’m proud of you.”
“You should see the looks I got when I started there. When I walked around campus, I felt like there was a five-foot no walking zone around me. People seemed to give me space like I was a bomb, about
to detonate. At first, it was big news, and even made the media, but eventually, it became boring and even the kids quit looking at me funny. I hated it at first, but once the attention died down, you were right, it is interesting.”
“What made you decide to do it?”
“You. What you said about five years would pass whether I went or not. Why not go? Cassie told me I needed to get a life, and I started there.”
“You went for it because of what I said last summer?”
“Yes. Don’t let it go to your head though,” she said grinning.
“That’s what Sarah meant by I was good for you?”
“Is that what she said?”
“Yeah. I thought she meant…”
“What?”
“Something else.” He shook his head, not ready to admit he’d been egotistical enough to think she was referring to Kelly’s sex life, not the motivation for her to follow a dream.
“And I went into business with Sarah.”
“Sarah? How so?”
“We started another branch of her store in L.A. I set most of it up, and she stocked it and made sure it had her unique appeal. It’s done okay so far for a new shop. We’re planning on making a real chain of it. I obviously have the money to back it, and Sarah has the experience. Plus, I do all the advertising for it. I’m the face and it feels good to work for myself.”
“You’ve been busy.”
She nodded and he could see the satisfaction and pride she was filled with, something that was completely lacking last summer. He was glad for her, and yet, oddly, left out. He’d done nothing different since she left. Another year of his life had gone by, and he had nothing new to show for it. Everything was the same with him. The only time he’d been different was with Kelly.
Kelly started a business she evidently meant to build into an empire, with herself as its advertiser. She had started college and was following a dream. And he was small enough, petty enough, to nearly be mad at her because she was sleeping with some actor. Ultimately, Kelly was re-inventing herself and liking herself more than before. He was a complete and total heel. And left out. Completely. He was completely left out of her life.
She tacitly told him that she’d fallen in love with him last summer. But he prodded her away, shoved her so far, she made sure no one even mentioned her name to him. He left her last year on that beach without even a second glance. He was so sure his actions were best for her, that he had to deny how bad it had felt to him.
Kelly, on the other hand, took his rejection of her and did nothing but succeed. Changed her life. And instead of being proud of her and glad for her, he felt left out. It was a juvenile and totally inappropriate response. First, he lashed out at her like a jealous teenager, and now, he felt left out, like she’d moved on while he sat dejectedly in the same, old rut.
Only his was more than a rut. It was a mile-deep abyss, and he didn’t even know how to take the first step out, which he’d proven by what he’d done with Kelly.
“And modeling? That fits in how?”
“Other than for the store, I’m pretty much retiring. Besides, I’m getting too old anyway. It was past time. I just didn’t know how to do anything else, and I was terrified to try. I know I’m pretty, I really didn’t know if I was smart enough to actually do anything productive for myself.”
“Of course, you are.”
“Well, I didn’t know that.”
“Do you now?”
“No, but I’m getting there.”
He laid his hand over hers. She looked up, startled, and he looked at her blinking in surprise. “I’m sorry.”
She didn’t ask for what. She shook her head at him. “Don’t be. I’m not.”
He was. He was sorry. He was sorry he couldn’t be with her. He was sorry he might love her, but at the same time, he couldn’t love her. And damn her! Instead of being mad or even sad, she seemed to understand perfectly. In ways no one else seemed able to. Kelly understood he was broken, and no one could fix him.
Instead of trying, she fixed herself.
Last summer was a changing point in her life. And what had he succeeded in doing? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
“It’s okay, really it is. I don’t want anything from you. I only want something for you.”
“What do you want for me?”
“Life. I want you to find life again.”
“It’s not gone so well.”
“I know. But if you’re not dead, you’re alive, and you should do something with that. Isn’t that what you pretty much told me?”
“I suck at life nowadays.”
“Do you want to change that?”
“Sometimes.”
“Well, that seems like progress. I’m pretty sure last year the answer was no; you didn’t want to change that. I believe you can.”
“I think you’re the only one who does.”
****
Luke looked up when Kelly suddenly flopped something in front of him. She’d been busy snooping through his kitchen cabinets when she came over to the table, throwing the calendar she found at him.
“What’s this?” she demanded.
“Your calendar.”
“Why do you have it? I had no idea you had one.”
“I slept with you, obviously I like how you look. Why wouldn’t I buy your calendar? How many men can say they’ve done that with a girl who has her own calendar?”
“So it’s an ego thing with you?”
“Sure, I’m a guy. Even if you try to pretend we all don’t have the same urges. Besides, it’s a good calendar.”
She put her hands on her hips. “Then why is it hidden away under your phone book?”
“It annoyed me to look at it.”
“It annoyed you? Why in heavens would pictures of me, taken by Carl Simmins, one of the top fashion photographers in the world, by the way, annoy you? I think it’s one of my best calendars.”
“And it was like you were looking at me every damn day, judging me. I felt bad when I looked at you, and worse still that I wasn’t calling you. I got tired of feeling guilty, so I took it down.”
“You have a real problem with pictures, you know that? First Shelly and now me? You’re the last person who should have dated a model. You have no appreciation for still pictures. They can be quite an art form, you know.”
“Yeah, well, art isn’t on my mind when I’m looking at you.”
“So I still get to you then? You’re not hiding this because you’re ashamed of me?”
“I’m not ashamed of you.”
“Good. Then I think we should put me back up.”
He groaned. “Why would I want to do that?”
“So you learn that pictures are supposed to be good things that remind you of good times. You need to quit avoiding them.”
“More life lessons by Kelly Reeves?”
“Something like that.” She smiled her breathtaking smile, then turned her calendar to May and tacked it to the wall.
“Modest, aren’t you?”
“We’ve established I’m not. But I am practical. And there is no reason to waste a perfectly usable calendar.”
“Why don’t you ever talk about it?”
“Talk about what? I talk all the time.”
“Yeah, about nothing that directly involves us. Is that my punishment?”
“I’m not punishing you. I’m being practical.”
“Again? How’s that?”
“By not becoming involved in any way, we avoid complicating a situation that we’ve finally gotten back under control. We’re friendly, but not involved.”
“Ah, I see. Friendly, but not involved.”
“On that note, I’ve got to go.”
As usual, she skipped out before he could say anything more. She was frustrating him to no end. Why wouldn’t she answer any of his questions? Why did she treat him like he knew nothing about her? She seemed comfortable enough with him but still wouldn’t answer the most generic of questions.
Chapter Thirty
Kelly was exhausted. Keeping things light and uncomplicated with Luke was far harder than being involved. She yearned to tell him so much of what she’d accomplished the last year, and what she was planning. She wanted to know everything about him. But she bit her tongue to keep from asking, or from telling. She came and went a lot, trying to minimize her contact with Luke, or being alone too long with him, that’s how trouble would start. Still, it frustrated her, trying to balance protecting herself and hiding from Luke, what her heart longed for.
“I’m leaving tomorrow.”
Luke looked up from his morning paper.
“So you’ll get your peace and quiet back,” she added.
“Oh.”
“Well, then good, at least you know.” Kelly turned toward the fridge to hide her face, so he couldn’t see how he’d upset her. He didn’t really care she was leaving. What did she expect? There was no changing Luke’s mind. He made it crystal clear he wanted nothing from her. And now he’d get back to being alone and miserable.
And not in love with her.
She tried to feel him out, see if there was any melting to his frigid, frozen grief, but as far as she could tell, there was none. So he acknowledged to her he was sorry he couldn’t love her. That was nice, it was closure. It was definitely not an overture that he wanted anything from her, but a friendly, polite acquaintanceship. She was sure he’d sleep with her in a heartbeat if she gave out that signal. What he wouldn’t do, or be to her, was anything remotely resembling a boyfriend. So she was going to leave, and let him be, and let more time go by, and come back in a few months and try again, and again, and again, until at some point, sometime in the future, she’d wear him down, put a fracture in his frozen heart.
Or until he gave into his lust and slept with her, whichever came first. But for now, she was following her plan. Go, come back, go, come back, make him realize he was more miserable when she was gone, than when she was here, and wouldn’t that be something?
Still, leaving made her terribly sad. She was still in love with him and preferred being with him, even like this, far more than she liked being alone. And she didn’t want to leave. She wanted to see his smile of good morning, and his annoyed looks at her dishes left out, and his mouth tightening in disapproval as he once again straightened up her pile of magazines on his usually bare coffee table. She liked the thump of his movements in the condo, the clank of keys as he came home. The way he offered her first servings of any meal, before he ever took anything himself. The way he tilted his head as he tried to figure her out.
