by Leanne Davis
It was Luke’s choice. He wanted to be left alone, so everyone left him alone. He wanted to be here, but not really part of anything. His grief always made him separate. No matter how little he talked about it, or even showed what he felt, it was the wall that isolated him from everyone else. A wall much like the one she herself hid behind.
But she understood Luke. His eyes took in everything. His face smiled and reacted to all that was said to him, but his heart wasn’t really engaged. He wasn’t really there.
Maybe it was time he was.
That struck Kelly. Everyone let him off the hook. And maybe he deserved that at first, but now? It was nearly four years since the death of his wife and baby. No one expected him to get over it, but at some point, he’d have to move on. He needed to move on before his sanity left him, or before he got back to a place where he didn’t want to live anymore. Maybe it was time someone tried to make him move forward, move somewhere.
She left last summer without even trying to change Luke’s mind. He drove her away, and she left. She believed everything he said, without questioning if he wasn’t protesting a little too much. Wasn’t there a slim chance that, if given some time, he could adjust to wanting a real life again, a real future? And wanting her in that future?
She heeded his adamant warnings to not love him, that he was no good for her, that he could not love again, or have a relationship. The whole boyfriend and relationship thing was so new to her that she didn’t have the confidence to fight back. To risk herself or give herself credit that she could be the one to heal Luke. But someone had to.
Or at least to try.
Obviously he was pissed off at her about bringing Brett to the hospital. Then he got even more annoyed when she tried to make peace with him and to make it less awkward between them. He definitely didn’t like her thanking him for the sex training.
But Luke understood and “got” her like no one else. The hospital suffocated her. Luke was the only person who understood that. So if Luke really thought of her as a summer fling and didn’t have the potential to love her, then why did her presence upset his usual balance so much? Why did her presence make him react so dramatically, and in un-Luke-like ways? It was simple: he may not be in love with her right now, but the potential was there. She suspected that last summer, but now she was sure of it.
And maybe this time, she was confident enough in her knowledge and herself to try and fight for him, for them, and for a future.
Luke was lost in his own life, and more than anything, she wanted to make Luke better. Maybe so he’d give her a chance, and maybe just so he wasn’t so sad. Her motives were partly selfish, and partly for his greater good. Why love Luke if she wasn’t going to at least try and have a life with him? Or at the very least, make him at all better than when she first met him. Didn’t she owe Luke and herself the chance to see this thing through? To see how far their feelings went when given adequate time and space?
Chapter Twenty-Eight
“Can I stay with you?”
Luke stopped dead in his tracks and turned slowly toward Kelly as if recovering from a stun gun. He’d been on his way out to the parking garage in the hospital. After seeing him leave, she had quickly grabbed her purse and coat and dashed after him, not an easy feat in four-inch heels, but she finally caught up to him.
“Did you just ask to stay with me?”
Kelly nodded. “Yes.”
“We decided when you came back to town we weren’t picking up where we left off.”
“Oh, of course not. I don’t want to sleep with you. I want to borrow your spare room.” She made sure to look him directly in the eyes and act as if it was no big deal to her, when in fact, her insides were shaking with nerves.
“Don’t you stay with your sister?”
“Usually, but the new baby really changes things, doesn’t it? I mean my old room is the nursery, and of course, there’s your old room, but it might be nice for John and Cassie to have their privacy. And I’m not ready to leave town yet. I’d like to spend time with Nate and Tim. So could I borrow your spare room?”
Kelly waited for Luke to point out the obvious: first, that she was loaded and could certainly afford a hotel room, or at the very least, stay with Sarah, or the Everharts or even Luke’s own parents. There was absolutely no reason why she should stay at his condo. But here she was asking.
“You want to sleep at my place? And your boyfriend? Where does he fit in? I’m not providing the bedroom for you and Brett Carlton.”
She waved her hand in the air. “Oh that. Brett’s not staying in town, so it’s not a problem. Can I have the room then?”
“You’re not kidding?”
“No. I think it would be good for us. We could establish how it’s going to be in the future, so that the next visit will be no big deal. I can’t avoid this place forever, you know.”
He stared into her forehead as if she’d grown a horn between her eyes. Still, he didn’t point out the obvious, that there was no earthly reason why she would have to stay at Luke’s place.
“Fine. Take the bedroom. But this time, we stay out of each other’s lives.”
“Of course. We’re past each other.”
“Great. Yeah. As long as you’re so okay with it.”
“I am.”
He scowled at her, turned and headed for his truck. She watched him leave, grinning and suddenly light-hearted. First, her sister gave birth to a healthy baby with a man who loved and cherished her. And now, she’d managed to weasel her way into Luke’s life again, and he wasn’t stopping her. He thought she was crazy and acting erratic again, but he’d let her. Didn’t that say something, too? Like he secretly wanted her? He just couldn’t admit it to himself.
****
“You’re what?” Cassie exclaimed.
“I’m staying with Luke.”
“Oh, no. I wanted you to help smooth over me having a baby, not put yourself back in the line of heartbreak.”
“I’m going to be fine. It’s not my heart that’s broken, it’s Luke’s.”
“You can’t save him.”
“I can try. He has no clue that’s what I’m doing. Besides, no one else has had much luck at it, have they?”
“I don’t want you to do this at the expense of yourself.”
“I’m not. Luke needs me, and I’m going to make him see that.”
“What if he never sees that? Or won’t take the risk even if he sees it?”
“It’s a chance I have to take, isn’t it? I’ve run from everything my entire life. I’ve never taken a chance on anyone, ever. I’ve been so busy being scared and distrustful, that I’ve never put myself out there. I don’t want to be that person, so safe and sane, that I don’t take a chance at happiness. You told me you wanted me to start living life, not just surviving it. In my mind, I’ve been surviving just fine, and I can and will continue to, with or without Luke. But I want happiness. I’ve changed a lot in the last year, for the better, and I don’t want that to stop.”
“I know, it’s just…”
“Someone has to take a chance, right? Maybe if I do, then so will Luke. If you hadn’t taken a chance telling John how you felt, then you wouldn’t have ended up where you are, right now, today. I want my chance.”
“It could hurt. Luke has baggage that nothing can heal.”
“You’re right, it could hurt. But I’m not giving up this time without a fight.”
“I just hate thinking of you getting hurt.”
“I know, that’s why I love you so much.”
They quit talking when John walked into the living room, carrying the baby whom he promptly handed to Kelly. Soon, the rest of the family joined them. Kelly sighed at the sheer pleasure of the soft, light bundle now in her arms. She had little experience with babies. Just Tim. And now Tim’s brother. She stared at Nate, feeling the peace and contentment that she supposed was the reason most couples had kids.
John and Cassie had come home that morning, and Nanc
y made dinner. The family had all congregated at the house. Cassie seemed glad for the company and help. John was uncharacteristically talkative and smiley. Babies did strange things to people. Good things, but still, it was amusing to her.
Except Luke. He was there, of course. Luke showed up everywhere he was supposed to. He just kept himself an arm’s length away from it all.
Luke walked past her to the kitchen, and then came back a few moments later. Wasn’t it time he entered the land of the living?
“Luke, here, why don’t you hold Nate?”
Luke paused in front of Kelly looking down at her with surprise. “Oh, that’s all right, he’s comfortable in your arms.”
“No, really, I think you should hold him.”
“No, I don’t want to wake him.”
“It won’t wake him. He wants warm arms, yours will do nicely.”
“No, it’s okay.”
“No, it’s not okay. Hold the baby,” Kelly kept her tone low and even, but forceful. By then, all eyes in the room were on them. And the sudden chill in the room wasn’t Kelly’s imagination. No one liked what she was doing. But it was necessary.
“I don’t want to hold the baby.”
“Of course, you don’t. You just need to.”
“I don’t need to do anything. Leave it.”
“He’s your nephew, hold the baby.”
“Kelly,” Cassie said softly, the warning clear in her voice.
“Leave him be,” Nancy added.
“Like everyone else?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Nancy asked.
“It means Luke should hold the baby.”
Luke stood frozen in the middle of the room. His jaw was clenched, and the pulse in his temple throbbed. She took a step back. The look in his eyes was murderous. She gulped and stood up straighter.
“He doesn’t have to do anything he’s not comfortable doing.”
“Of course, he has to, all people do, it’s called being alive. Tell me something, at what point are you even going to try and feel marginally better?”
Nancy gasped at Kelly’s cruelty.
Cassie looked at Kelly with shock and disdain.
“Quit looking at me like that. All I did was suggest you could take minor steps to not feel so bad. Why not take a sleeping pill every now and then to get a night’s rest? Why not talk to someone? Anyone? About your wife, you, your life? Why not even try?”
“Try, as in you? Is that what this is? You’re pissed at what I did to you? You think you were the answer to my problems? Well, you’re not.”
“Of course, I’m not the answer to your problems. But I think you deserve more out of life than for yours to be over, too.”
“What are you doing?”
“Being honest. Something everyone is too afraid to do with you for fear of dredging up the pain you brandish no matter if it’s talked about or not. So why not talk about it?”
“I don’t need it to be talked about. I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine. You probably shouldn’t be fine. But ignoring it sure as hell hasn’t helped you.”
“And you’re going to help me? Is that it? How? By pressuring me into holding a baby that isn’t even mine?”
“That’s just it, isn’t it? It’s not your baby. It’s your nephew.”
“Why are you doing this? Why are you pressing this?”
“Just trust me and hold the baby.”
Kelly was standing up by then, and she thrust the sleeping bundle at Luke, nearly letting go. Luke didn’t have a choice, but to awkwardly grab Nate, and then he was holding him. They looked at each other, stunned. She was shocked at shoving the baby at him, and Luke was stunned he grabbed him.
“See? It feels nice, doesn’t it?” she whispered, after a long drawn-out silence.
Luke was quiet as what he was doing finally registered. He looked down at the sleeping infant and finally nodded.
“That’s it. I just wanted you to know you could do it. You can hold a baby and survive,” she said in a near whisper.
The room was silent. Kelly turned and left. Her heart was hammering painfully in her chest. She’d nearly taunted Luke with his grief, but he needed to hold that baby. He needed to see he wouldn’t break into a thousand pieces because of a baby. He needed to feel alive again, and the only way to do that was to show him life.
****
Luke walked into his condo and stared at her silently. Kelly was sitting on the couch trying to concentrate on the TV show she’d absently turned on. Her nerves were frayed, waiting for Luke to come back from John and Cassie’s. She couldn’t predict what his reaction to what she’d done was going to be.
“I know you’re probably mad at me. But sometimes, a person needs a push to do what’s best for them,” she said finally when he didn’t talk to her.
He just stood there, arms crossed, legs planted wide and looked at her. “And that’s what that was? A push?”
“Of course, it was. And for the best.”
“How would you know what’s best for me?”
“Well, I figured what everyone has done with you so far hasn’t worked, so why not try a different approach? And I’m not afraid of your anger, even if everyone else is.”
“Why is it I need to change anything?”
“Because you’re not fine and we both know it. I’m not making this about us. This is about facts. The fact is you still would rather be dead most days than alive. And you’d rather be alone because it hurts you less.”
“It’s my prerogative, isn’t it? My family died. Don’t you think that entitles me to deal with it however I see fit?”
“Yeah, maybe if you actually dealt with it. But we both know, you don’t.”
“So you pushed it along?”
“Yes. And wasn’t it better to get the baby-holding over with than to keep avoiding it? You know, meet the grief head on.”
“Did it ever occur to you I would have gotten around to it when I was comfortable?”
“No, it didn’t. I think you would keep ignoring the baby, and everyone would let you. Just like everyone lets you wallow.”
“I don’t wallow. I just don’t want what you want.”
“Let’s get something straight here, I don’t want anything with you. That ship has sailed. I’m perfectly content with us being friends. Or at least friendly.”
“Yeah, you were real friendly today.”
“Maybe not, but maybe that’s just what you need. Someone who isn’t trying to be your friend or make you feel better. Maybe you should start with feeling something.”
“Are you going to keep this up the entire time you’re in town?”
“Maybe.”
“Is that why you’re staying here?”
“Yes. That and you were being an ass to me so I wanted to irritate you.”
“Yes, I was being an ass to you, and you succeeded in irritating me.”
“But you’re not sorry.”
“And neither are you.”
“Why were you being an ass to me? And what made you get over it?”
“I was an ass because you thanked me for having sex with you.”
“No, I thanked you for getting me over my hang-ups. And that was after you were a jerk when I was only concerned how you were holding up.”
“I was holding up fine until you pranced in there with your boyfriend.”
“I don’t prance, and he’s not my boyfriend.”
“What you said to Tim when he believed John didn’t want him as a son was perfect. You handle him well.”
“That’s what made you get over being mad at me?”
“It reminded me of what you’re really like, when you’re not being fake-Kelly.”
“I’m not fake. You just take me wrong sometimes. And why don’t you just admit the birth and new baby was excruciating for you, and you took out your anger on me because no one else will let you?”
“You think I do that?”
“I do. You don’t kn
ow you do it?”
“No, I was mad because you showed up with a Hollywood actor.”
“Why would you be mad over that? You practically trained me for dating, remember? You were quite emphatic about it, in fact.”
“Why did you bring him? It isn’t like you to transport that world here.”
“He was shooting a movie in Canada and passing through close to here to visit his family. I figured why not hook up? We rarely see each other because of our schedules, and without tabloids.”
“I don’t want to know about you two hooking up.”
“Why not? It doesn’t matter to you, remember?”
“Come on, it’s weird. And by the way, do you know what he goes around saying about you?”
“What?”
“How beautiful and gorgeous you are. Why is a guy you’re involved with talking like that about you?”
“I guess he thinks that about me.”
“Sure. Everyone does. That’s the point. He doesn’t know that you hate it? Come on, why would you be involved with someone like that? Why would you let him talk that way?”
She shrugged and smiled. “Because I don’t see him enough to care.”
“You’re going to make me ask it, aren’t you?”
“Ask what?”
“Are you sleeping with him?”
“That’s not your business now. And if it bothers you, maybe you should reevaluate yourself.”
“So we’re going to do this?”
“Do what?”
“Act like exes?”
“No. We are not. We’re not discussing my sex life. But we are going to be friendly.”
“Friendly? Like what you did today? You can’t go around pushing me, it isn’t going to work.”
“It worked today.”
He sighed. “Don’t.”
“Why not? I haven’t seen you in nearly a year, and you’re no better than you were the last time I saw you. And for that matter, why didn’t you miss me more? What kind of robot are you that could be involved with someone like we were and turn it off just as quickly?”
