Without Words

by Stewart, Delancey

  “God,” I breathed, my mind spinning. Nan had lost so much more than I’d ever imagined. Her husband, my mother. I’d never seen her as anything but strong, capable, and full of love. I’d never considered what she might have had to overcome to get there.

  A loud crash came from inside the shop and I shot to my feet, spinning for the door. Tony stood inside, shrugging apologetically through the window with a stupid grin on his face. A pile of wood lay at his feet in a heap.

  “Crap, I have to go,” I said.

  “Danielle,” Britta said, her voice strong again. “You should know that Nan’s life became whole again when she found you and your sister. And I’d never seen her happier than she was when you girls went to live with her. It was like the two of you filled every void left by the rest of the people in her life. She loved you with everything that she was.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut. I could not cry in front of Tony, but everything that had happened in the last few days had left me feeling raw and exposed. I took a deep breath. “Thank you, Britta. I’ll come see you soon.”

  “Goodbye, darling girl.”

  I shoved my phone into my jeans pocket and went back inside.

  “Little accident,” Tony said, pulling planks back up from the floor. “Not a big deal.”

  I helped move the fallen wood, and was horrified to see that one of the tiles under the pile had cracked.

  “Shitty job laying the tile,” Tony said, pointing at it. “Should never crack like that. Not a stable base. Amateurs.” Tony grinned and I fought the twin urges to scream at him and punch him. Maybe we’d done a shitty job laying the tile, but I doubted it.

  “I’m pretty sure anything will break when you let a hundred pounds of wood smash into it,” I said, trying to control my temper. “Tony, you’ve been here for six hours now, and there has been no progress at all. I’m getting very nervous about the timeline.”

  “Already told you there’s no way in hell we can meet that. Let’s just aim to get it done when it’s done, okay babe?”

  Fury clouded my vision and I wanted to repeat Rob’s actions and pull the ladder down and hurl it at Tony. But Rob had an excuse—kind of—for that sort of out of control behavior. I did not.

  Instead, I took a deep breath and said, “Tony, we need to meet the schedule. How can I help make that happen?”

  He stared at me, one side of his mouth turned up in an incredulous smile.

  …

  Tony spent the next two days alternately smoking, being difficult about the schedule, and questioning my intelligence. And that was only once he announced he’d be charging me double for working the weekend. By the time my sister arrived on Sunday afternoon, Trent smiling behind her, I was at my wit’s end.

  “So…” Amy said, grinning dubiously. “What have you been up to?”

  I’d told Amy of my doubts about Tony, and now she walked around the shop investigating his lack of progress and nodding at me. Trent stood in the middle of the space, arms crossed, waiting for Amy to make some kind of determination.

  “What is this?” Tony asked, turning from his hammering. “Are these the judges? Are they gonna hold up cards soon with numbers?”

  Amy lifted an eyebrow at him and ran a hand over the counter he’d built where the register would sit. “Dani,” she said softly. “Talk? In the back?”

  I followed her into the kitchen.

  “Have you noticed that the counter isn’t quite level?”

  “What?” I asked. “No, I hadn’t noticed. I’ve been too busy trying to keep that chain-smoker on track.”

  “Just a little slope,” she said, shrugging. “Maybe you just don’t sell anything round, you know. Nothing that might roll?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Like wine bottles? Shit.” Earlier in the day Tony had accidentally dragged the end of a two-by-four across the top of one of the counters at the edge of the shelving that Rob had built. I’d watched the raw, exposed scratch develop over the smooth surface of the wood and felt as if it were being torn across the surface of my heart instead. It was symbolic, watching this klutz destroy the simple elegance Rob had created. It was as if the last vestige of whatever had been between us was scratched out with his carelessness. It made me realize how much I missed having Rob here, having his quiet confidence at my side and his huge furry dog nearby. Both Sampson and Rob emanated a simple security that I had taken for granted, and the world felt different without them near. Colder, less certain.

  I stared at my sister. “What am I going to do?”

  “What are we going to do,” Amy corrected. “And we’ll figure it out,” she said. She strode out into the shop again, and stood on her tiptoes, whispering into Trent’s ear.

  I got the sense that even after just a week of dating my sister, Trent was utterly smitten. His smile spread as soon as Amy was near him, and when she put her hands on his shoulders to whisper in his ear, he looked like he’d won the lottery. He nodded slightly, and turned to leave the shop.

  “How would you feel about a little help, Tony?” My sister asked as I watched from the doorway.

  Tony turned from where he was drilling into the wall and stared at her. “What the hell does that mean?”

  I took a couple of steps out to stand next to my sister. “This isn’t going well, Tony,” I said. I had no idea what my sister had planned, but it felt wonderful to finally call Tony on his crappy work. “This work has to be done before the deadline, and you keep telling me it’s impossible.”

  Amy opened her palms toward the sky and shrugged, as if we had no other choice. “I’m bringing in some help for you. You can stay, or we’ll pay you for what you’ve done and you can leave.”

  Tony’s face wrinkled up and reddened, and he seemed unsure about what was expected from him. He glanced from Amy to me quickly, and then laughed in a thin uncomfortable voice. “If that’s what you want,” he said. He sounded nonchalant, but there was an edge of relief behind his irritation.

  “Trent will be back in a bit,” Amy said, mostly to me. “With help.”

  Tony went out to take an abnormally long smoke break, somewhere out of sight. I didn’t think he’d left, since his shiny truck was still parked at the curb, but it didn’t really seem to matter. He wasn’t making progress anyway. I just hoped that whatever Trent had in mind would work out. It was a Hail Mary at this point—I was beginning to lose hope that the place might open on time. I’d spent hundreds of dollars getting the word out, and Amy had been dropping flyers at doctor’s offices all over town as she made her sales calls. It would all be a waste. I imagined people lining up outside the doors next Friday evening, just to find them locked and the little shop dark and empty.

  Amy threw an arm around my shoulder as the two of us stood in the empty half-built space. “Have you started baking yet?”

  I stared at her. “No.”

  “You’d better get going. I thought you wanted the freezer stocked so you’d have tons of stuff ready to go when you open?”

  “Amy, I haven’t even been sure I will open. Tony isn’t exactly self-sufficient out here, and honestly…” I didn’t even want to say what was bothering me.

  Amy’s eyebrow went up.

  I shook my head. “I don’t know. I just…the place doesn’t feel like something special anymore. I was so excited, and now…”

  “Sis, you don’t get to change your mind about this. You’ve invested thousands of dollars. This is your future.” Amy’s face smoothed as she spoke, her fear that I was about to quit making her speak slowly. This was her logical present-the-evidence voice.

  My hand found hers, and I smiled. “I’m not getting ready to quit,” I promised. But my heart felt heavy and wounded. This had been my dream. And while Rob was here, it had begun to take shape and I could almost feel what it would be. His hands made the things inside my head become real, and he never questioned my vision for the shop. He just made it happen. And now Tony…Tony made me feel like a child with some unrealistic expectation that wasn’t
even possible. “I’m not quitting,” I said again. “I guess the dream has just lost a little of its shine.”

  My sister put an arm around my shoulders and pulled me close to her long, tall side. “We’ll polish it up. Just wait.”

  As she spoke, a UPS truck pulled up, double-parking behind the cars parked at the curb outside. A light-haired man in brown shorts with a little device came to the door, poking his head in. “Danielle Hodge here?”

  I stepped forward. “I’m Danielle.”

  “I’ve got a ton of wine here for you.”

  I couldn’t help the way my hands clapped in front of me, or the little bounce that sprang out of my toes at the news. I signed the little machine and then followed him out to the back of the truck, where he opened the door to reveal twelve cases of wine. My first stock had arrived.

  “I’ve got a couple of other boxes, too,” he said, puffing as he put the last case of wine inside the shop. “Heavy suckers.” Despite the work, the man whistled as he wheeled in the other boxes, and smiled as he wiped his brow beneath the curly hair. “That’s it for today. You ladies have a good one.” He climbed back into the truck and disappeared.

  “What’s in those?” Amy pointed at the big flat boxes that didn’t contain wine.

  “Books,” I said, my voice floaty and high with excitement.

  Tony came back inside then, staring around at the boxes piled around the shop. “Oh, this is great,” he said, his voice heavy with sarcasm. “This’ll make things way easier.” He shook his head and busied himself in the corner where he’d been working.

  Amy and I pushed the boxes to the far corner of the shop as we exchanged a glance. We got them out of the way, and were just finishing up as Trent reappeared. He wasn’t alone. Four men followed him into the small shop, the size of them suddenly making the place feel tiny and close. Each of the guys was big, tan, and muscled. It was like having a collection of calendar models lined up in front of me. I tried to stop the silly smile from spreading across my face.

  My glee wasn’t due only to the squad of handsome men who had suddenly appeared. It was more attributable to the big furry face that was lingering in the doorway. Sampson. I smiled at the big dog, and then looked up again, expecting to see Rob, but he didn’t appear.

  “Ladies,” Trent said. “These are some of the guys from the station. Andy, Chad, Oliver, and Zeek. And you know Sampson.” Trent must have seen the question in my eyes because he inclined his head slightly and added, “I’m watching him for Rob while he handles some stuff.”

  I deflated, not even realizing how much I’d wanted to see Rob. I tried to hide the disappointment by greeting the line of gorgeous firemen Trent had brought along. So Rob had gone, just as I’d known he would. He’d had to.

  And even as Trent organized the guys, directing them here and there and involving Tony in the process, too, my heart sank a little. San Diego was suddenly a little bit lonelier now that I knew for sure Rob had gone.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Rob

  I was leaving my therapist’s office Monday when Trent texted, asking if I could meet him at Dani’s shop. I’d been home six days, but he’d been out almost that whole time, and I had figured he was working a shift. I’d talked my lead therapist into arranging double appointments for me, and the days had been filled with speech appointments, tests, and evaluations. The brain mapping had revealed more growth than they’d expected in the injured area, and the therapist who had led my rehab had ideas for working on some of the emotional issues I was still having.

  In addition to the appointments with my therapy team, I’d met with a real estate agent and had signed a lease on a small cottage not far from Trent’s place. It wouldn’t be glass-walled elegance, but it would be home. My own home. I just wasn’t sure I was prepared to see Dani again so soon.

  What’s going on at Dani’s? I texted back.

  She needs help.

  That was all he had to say. Though I would have felt more certain about going if Dani had asked me herself, just hearing she needed help was enough. I went straight there from therapy, and was surprised to find half the guys from the station already inside, working on finishing the shelves and counter I’d started. Dani was nowhere to be seen, and there was another guy I didn’t recognize helping, too. As I talked to Trent, figuring out where I could lend a hand, I learned that the stranger was the contractor Dani had hired, one with questionable skills.

  They were using my plans to finish the work, and I was happy to see that Trent had managed to be a good crew chief, leading the guys as well as he did for the Department. Zeek and Andy were staining the wall of completed shelves, and Oliver and Chad were building the big double-sided bookcase that would stand in the center of the other side of the shop. Tony and Trent were arguing about the counter, which seemed to be leaning slightly to one side.

  “Rob,” Trent said. “This is the part we could really use your help with. Tony here doesn’t seem to think the counter needs leveling.”

  “It’s a couple degrees off,” the guy said, shrugging.

  A fire lit behind my eyes, but I took a deep breath before I spoke slowly. “It needs to be level.”

  “And I need a vacation house in Bora Bora,” Tony muttered as I waved him off and began disassembling his crappy work.

  I spent the rest of the day in the shop, anxious every time I heard the door open, hoping it was Dani. She never showed up. In a way, I was relieved—I knew I owed her an apology, and those had never come especially easy for me. But that didn’t stop me from wishing she’d appear, from watching the door for her bouncy step, her glowing eyes, and perfect curves.

  “They went to some discount furniture mart up in Los Angeles,” Trent told me after a couple of hours.

  I nodded. I hadn’t asked, but he must’ve seen me watching the door.

  “She misses you, man,” he added, under his breath. “She’s pretending she doesn’t care, but Amy says she’s been really down.”

  “She’s probably just scared I’ll come back and throw something else.” I kept my hands moving, using the work to keep my mind from wandering to darker places.

  “Nah,” Trent said. “She hates how you guys left it.”

  I stopped for a minute and raised an eyebrow at him. I hated it, too. And he probably knew more about what Dani felt than I did if he’d been spending time with Amy.

  Despite my eagerness to see Dani again, I was relieved when we decided to wrap up the day’s work before she’d come back. I took Sampson’s leash after saying goodbye to the crew, and ran him by the beach on the way back to Trent’s. I hadn’t moved into my new place yet—I wanted to finish Dani’s gift in the garage before I did.

  Once Sampson was settled, I opened the garage door and spent the rest of the night putting the finishing touches on the table and chairs I’d made for Dani from the wine barrels. I’d drive them over the next day and hope that, combined with an apology, it might be enough to make her want to talk to me again.

  …

  I took Sampson for a run along the beach the next day, working hard to clear my mind as I puffed through the dense, humid air. It was rarely hot enough to brave the frigid water, but today was balmy and still, the air close and stifling. I took off my running shoes and shirt, and ran into the breaking surf, determined to keep moving before I had second thoughts.

  I shivered in the bracing water, dunking my head under and pushing off to swim a few strokes as Sampson danced on the sand, watching me. I thought about what an irony San Diego was. Here was this oceanfront city that had a reputation for being the ultimate beach destination. And yet, having spent much of my life on the shoreline, I knew most summer days started gray and foggy, and the water in this part of the Pacific never quite got warm enough to be really inviting. There were plenty of folks who braved it without seeming to mind, but the ocean held a chill that made me think of deep, murky water and big cold-blooded fish lurking in the depths—not of frolicking in the waves and splashing aro
und for long.

  I stumbled out of the breaking waves, not hot anymore, enjoying the single-minded clarity that came from freezing my ass off. My teeth chattered as I reattached Sampson’s leash and led him back to Trent’s.

  A little later, showered and warm again, I loaded the high table and chairs into the back of the truck, a nervous flutter in my gut as I considered what Dani might say when she saw them. When she saw me.

  I added a few other things to the truck, stuff I’d move into my new place after dropping the furniture off at Dani’s. I realized as I packed my things up that I didn’t have much to move. My life amounted to a couple of duffel bags full of clothes, a big Bluetooth speaker and an old chest I’d brought up from Mexico a long time ago. My life seemed small in the back of my truck.

  Sampson and I pulled into one of the diagonal spots just in front of the shop. Oliver and Andy were on the sidewalk, painting the freestanding bookcase with a coat of stain. Dani was standing near them, talking animatedly, her hands dancing around her head as she talked.

  God, I loved watching her. She communicated with her entire body, her weight shifting from foot to foot, bouncing up and down and even jumping sometimes as she made a point. She was life, embodied in one small, blazing package—vibrant, exuberant, and exciting. I could have watched her for hours, but Oliver had turned his head toward my truck and Dani’s gaze followed. She spotted me, and her body noticeably tensed. One hand came up in an awkward wave, and she smiled, but it wasn’t the free, happy grin I loved. It was tentative and uncertain. And I wasn’t surprised.

  “Let’s go,” I said to Sampson, opening my door. Normally he waited until I’d come around to his side to let him out, but he actually leapt across me, his huge body springing from the car and dashing onto the sidewalk where Dani stood. He jumped up at her feet, landing on four paws and dancing in a circle that might have fit a much smaller dog, but was completely comical when Sampson did it.