“Go to bed, little one. I’ll just stay a little longer.”
“I’m fine here,” she’d whisper in a sleepy voice and suppress a yawn.
I’d smile and put her on my lap to kiss her tenderly.
“I know, pet, but I want you to be well-rested.” I ran my fingers through her soft tresses. “I’ll give you a special surprise tomorrow if you’re a good girl.”
Usually, Kat wasn’t too thrilled but she obeyed. She hated sleeping alone. That would give me an incentive to be done faster with my task.
The moment I slipped under the covers next to her was always so warm and intimate. Especially when she rolled over onto her side and cuddled against me, whispering how much she missed me.
I’d probably survive my exams even without Kat. Somehow, though, she made this time easier and helped me not to lose my sanity with stress. The longer I spent with her, the more I was shredding my old insecurities and fears.
Again, how did I ever get so lucky?
Sadly, I was too much of a realist to keep the pink tinted vision for too long. Kat made me happy and at peace with myself. I hoped I was doing something for her, too. That didn’t mean our relationship was perfect. The first signs of trouble were rearing their ugly heads.
Kat was a beautiful person, smart, artistic, funny and a fury in bed. She was also a total mess. Maybe she had ADHD or something. I wasn’t a doctor so I didn’t want to give a misguided diagnosis.
She had a hard time concentrating on anything for too long. I knew Kat had it in her to be a fashion designer. Still, she was showing signs of restlessness and would often hint how she wasn’t sure her life was going in the right direction. If she changed her major that would help her figure it out. She would say it with a distracted expression and glazed look that didn’t promise anything good.
“Kat,” I said to her one day while we were having coffee in her favorite cafe next to the marina. “You know running away won’t solve a thing, don’t you? How many majors have you changed so far? Did it make a difference? I think you’re really good.”
“And how would you know?” She cut me off with a strangely hostile voice while running fingers over her necklace. “You said it yourself—you knew zero about fashion.”
“True.” I shrugged and took a sip of my coffee. “But I think you make beautiful clothes and designs. They always have an effect.”
“Thomas, please...” She sighed with irritation. “I make your cock hard whenever I wear a vintage dress I made myself and you know I have no bra or panties under it. That doesn’t mean I’m a good designer. You just don’t understand.”
“Explain to me,” I uttered through gritted teeth.
“You are just so… single minded and organized. You probably knew what you wanted the moment you were born. You are so technological and you can’t get it what it’s like...”
“That’s exaggerated and unfair.” I furrowed my eyebrows at her. “Just because I’m not the artistic type it doesn’t mean I don’t know what it’s like to be scared and confused. I can see you’re terrified but you shouldn’t let that fear rule your life.”
Kat trembled and looked down as if I had slapped her.
“It’s my decision if I continue with my studies, Thomas.”
“Last time I checked, I’m your boyfriend and not your random kink buddy. Forgive me for showing concern for you. Last time I checked, you identify as my submissive, too.”
“So what?” she spat out. “Just because I let you whip me that means you can control my life?”
The conversation quickly spiraled into our first official fight. Kat left the cafe in tears.
What the fuck?
She called me half an hour later and admitted in a scared voice she had been way out of line. Her tone when she begged me not to be mad at her sounded like she was on the verge of tears.
I forgave her. I cared enough for her and knew that at some point we’d argue, like any other couple. Sadly, her unstable behavior continued. Apart from our fights, Kat lost any ability to control her day. Sometimes, she’d confess with guilt there were days she was afraid of leaving her apartment, going to classes, even calling me.
My girlfriend was missing classes, failing exams and would often go on shopping sprees just to make herself feel better. The worst was something I learnt from Allie. Kat was no longer employed by the agency as she’d missed several of her appointments and that made the clients very angry.
“Thomas, I love that girl but she is badly out of control. It might be just stress but she really needs to pull herself together. Try to talk to her, okay?”
She required a much firmer approach than I was capable of. Kat needed a Dom who would put her life in order and make her submit to a set of iron rules. There was some appeal to it but my own life was overwhelming enough. Micromanaging another person on top of all my obligations would drain my strength.
I also wasn’t completely faithful to her, emotionally. Thoughts of Lina never crossed my mind while I was with Kat. I even thought my old infatuation and lust had stayed in the past. Then I’d go to work, see her smoking on the fire escape and those damned feelings would come back. I’d attend one of her staff meetings and would often space out, just staring at her face, listening to her raspy, confident voice with such longing I hurt physically.
It was my only comfort.
That made me feel like the worst human being. My girlfriend was having a crisis and here I was, pining after my boss.
Maybe this would never change and I’d always have these mad, unrequited feelings for Lina. After all, everyone has some ancient crush nothing came out of, right?
I had no idea what to do. One afternoon, I got an unexpected call from Kat. She rarely cried in front of me unless we were in a really intense scene. That was another thing I liked about her—her positive mood and that she could smile even when things couldn’t get worse. I’d never thought that might be a mask hiding her despair.
That day, she was crying and barely able to talk through her hiccups. She told me she was failing her semester. She’d completely forgotten about her most important assignments, the design of an original fashion collection. I sat there listening in horror while Kat revealed how bad her situation was.
“They are evicting me from my place. I haven’t paid my rent for months. I checked my savings and I’m broke. I only have a few dollars in my wallet and nothing in the bank. I’m so sorry, Thomas, I’m sorry. You were right about everything.”
My heart was breaking for her. I was clutching my phone so hard it nearly crashed. I’d never realized how lost Kat was until now, too blinded by her facade. What could I do to help her, though?Leave everything to focus on her? Would it make a difference?
“You deserve better than me.” Her sob cut through my inner anguish. “I… I’ll ask Mistress Sheila for a little money, the price of a bus ticket so I could get home to my family.”
That sentence made me freeze on the inside.
No!
That would be her death. The moment she went back to that horrific world of repression and abuse, Kat would break beyond repair.
It was possible she was not the right girl for me. Maybe she was just as bad a choice as Cassie. Still, she was an important part of who I was. She was the person who had helped me deal with so many of my personal demons, my friend. There was no way I’d allow anyone to turn her into an empty shell.
“Kat, listen to me.”
She didn’t hear me, too lost in her bubble of anger and self-resentment.
“Kat...” More tears. I raised my voice and commanded her attention in my best Dom voice. “Kathrine!”
For all the months while we were dating, I’d never used her full name. That caught her attention.
“You’re not going anywhere except my home. Do you understand?”
“But...”
“No objections, Kathrine. Go to my apartment.” I had given her a key a few months ago. “Strip and wait for me in the living room on your knees, arms folded behind
your neck. Don’t change that position until I return. Do you understand?”
She was silent on the other end of the line but at least she was no longer crying.
“I asked do you understand, pet?”
“Y-yes, sir.”
“Good girl. Wait for me.” After some hesitation, I said with tenderness, “Everything will be okay.”
VII
I asked for the rest of the afternoon off. Over the last few months, I’d done plenty of overtime hours so I’d earned myself a bit of time off. If only I didn’t have to use it to deal with an emergency.
My first urge was to go straight home and have a long talk with Kat. It’d be a bad idea to rush it. We’d both be emotional and that wouldn’t help. She could also use some time for kneeling and thinking on her own. Hopefully, Kat really had gone to my place and listened to my orders.
Meanwhile, I needed time to cool my jets, sit down and draw up a plan. I spent the next few hours in my favorite cafe. The place looked so peaceful, in contrast with my anxiety. The sunlit room was quiet except for the low, relaxing music. There were a few other people with laptops like me, sipping their lattes. At one point, I raised my head to order another cup of coffee and wondered briefly what they were doing. Maybe they were writers working on the big novels that would save them from their day jobs. Or maybe they were ambitious entrepreneurs preparing their startup.
I bet no one else was working on a therapy course for their girlfriend.
This could go so wrong. I wasn’t a psychologist and there was a great chance I’d do more harm to Kat. It had completely escaped my attention that she was falling apart until that afternoon. I’d been blind to what was happening with her.
So what gave me the right to experiment with her fragile mind, using kink of all things?
There was no way to know but I had to give it a try. Anything would be better than her going back to her hometown. Kat had waited far too long before she begged for help.
I was running out of time.
A few hours later, I got up from the table, paid my bill and walked out of the building with a tight throat and a sick feeling in my stomach. The worry of what I’d find when I went to my apartment didn’t let go of me during the entire ride home.
It was already dark when I entered my shady living room. The only illumination came from the street lamps that cast peculiar shadows on the floor. A sigh of relief escaped my lips when I saw Kat kneeling in one of the lighter spots near the window. She hadn’t bothered to turn the lights on, or she’d been down on her knees for hours, afraid to break out of the stance. Slight guilt crept in. The poor girl was probably exhausted. I didn’t make it easier by forcing her stay in an uncomfortable position for hours.
She was still except for her trembling shoulders, staring at the floor, like a praying sinner and a guilty child. It broke my heart to see her that way and feel her anguish. The nausea threatened to make me dizzy but I pushed it away, walked closer to my girlfriend and started circling around her. Kat didn’t react to my presence. The only move she made was to lower her head. I could taste her fear as if it was black liquid sticking to my skin. It had been with her all along under the mask of makeup, charming smiles, and sass. She was finally stripped of her defenses.
I placed a hand on her shoulder. She raised her eyes to meet mine. The sight of Kat’s face was like a stab in my chest. Her cheeks were swollen and red after hours of crying. It was easy to see her eyes were bloodshot, even under the faint light.
“Thomas, I’m so sorry. I’m a horrible—”
I didn’t say anything, just put a finger on her lips. Earlier, I’d decided that it was best not to spare her. The sight of her made me change my mind. She was going through her own personal hell. It was much worse than anything even the greatest sadist could do to her. What Kat needed was kindness even if she felt she deserved a thousand whips.
After a few minutes of only looking at her eyes, my fingers ran down her cheek to wipe away a tear. I whispered in a soothing voice, “I’ll sit in that armchair. You’ll crawl to me on your hands and knees and put your head in my lap. Do you understand, Kat?”
She nodded. I smiled reassuringly and kissed her wet, chapped lips. When I walked away from her and sat down, my confidence slowly started coming back. Kat crawled slowly back to me, like a wounded, scared kitten, sniffling, trying to look strong. She laid her head on my knee and I rested my hand on her soft hair.
“Please, little one, just talk to me.”
“I deserve to be punished.” She pressed her face to my lap. “You shouldn’t be nice to me. You should hate me for being so weak, for disappointing you.” Kat bit her lips to the bleeding point and uttered, “You should find a better sub than me and make me watch how you take her, to show me how worthless I am.”
“You know me too well to think I’d ever do that.” I gathered her hair and pushed it back so she’d look me in the eyes. “I don’t want to break you but I can use pain and punishment to rebuild you. That’s what I will do but you have to help me out here.”
Kat stared up at me through the darkness.
“I… I really want to be a good girl, good girlfriend, good submissive, to make something of myself, but...” She buried her face in my knee and cried out. “I do all that I can but it’s so difficult and I fail at everything. I disappoint everyone and don’t know how to fix it.”
Her body convulsed once she burst into tears again. It was strange to see her so upset and desolate. I’d never seen her cry so much. In some dark, twisted way, it pleased me she finally trusted me enough to let me see her ugly and lonely moments. Still, it was awful to see her suffer.
I picked her up and let her rest on my chest while I held her body in a protective embrace. That broke the floodgates and Kat spent the next ten minutes sobbing and cuddling against me. Sometimes she went through sub drop episodes but it was never that bad. I allowed her to sit on top of me, curled into the fetal position. My fingers ran down her spine in circular movements.
Finally, Kat stopped crying and just lay in my arms, her lips pressed against my neck. I could feel her irregular breathing and intense heartbeat. Our physical closeness felt good and soothing.
Tonight, it wasn’t about me, though.
“Kitten?” I nudged her when she was about to fall asleep on me. Perhaps it would have been better if I’d let her rest tonight. She was so open now, though. I wanted to use her sincere state and make sure my message really got to her. “Wake up, Kat.”
She opened her sleepy eyes, smiled weakly and rested her elbows on my chest. It was such a relief to see her a bit better after the violent crying episode. This was not a moment to get soft.
“Do you feel better, pet?” I kissed her lips.
“Yes… A little. I’d forgotten how cleansing a good cry could be.” Her attempt at laughter sounded croaked and a little hysterical. “I was too busy telling myself I was happy.”
“I know.” I kissed her cheeks and stroked her hair again, giving her the last bits of tenderness for that night. “Now, Kat, I want you to get back on your knees, in the earlier position. I’ll turn the lights on. We need to talk.”
“Yes, sir.” Kat nodded. She loved when I gave her specific instructions. I’d never noticed she functioned better when someone else made choices for her.
She crawled back to the ground and slid her way to her earlier spot. I watched her silhouette in the dim light and stood in my place. Then I got up and set the adjustable lights on to a medium degree. It was pretty close to candlelight, intimate enough but not so dark I’d trip.
When I came closer to Kat again, she looked calmer but still rather anxious.
“Like I said, I don’t blame you for being who you are but I can’t encourage your behavior either.” When she nodded, I continued with a firmer tone. “Over the next two months, I’ll take complete control of your life and decisions. You’ll come to live with me until you get back on your feet. I’ll schedule everything you do, including your tim
e for studies and exam preparation. Each failure to commit to your duties will lead to punishment. Once you get better, I’ll help you find a new home and new job. We can fine-tune all the details together but we’ll also work on your issues. Do you understand?”
“Yes, sir. I… It’s fair.”
“You need structure but that’s just the surface, Kat. It’d be pointless to fix your life for a short period of time just for you to relapse into your bad habits once I no longer control you.”
I rested my palm on her cheeks and continued with a lower, more intimate voice.
“I’d hate for you to ruin your life and future, Kat. I deeply care about you and your wellbeing. No matter what you think of yourself, you are a bright, beautiful woman and deserve to be happy. I don’t want people who don’t understand you to crush your spirit.”
She nuzzled my palm and kissed it.
“I’ll do everything you order, Thomas. I trust you with my life. We can even forget all about my safeword, I’ll trust your judgment.”
I shook my head and raised her chin.
“No, Kat, that’s not what I meant. Your safeword is even more crucial now. You see, I’ve never done it before. I want to make sure you’re fine with whatever will happen between us. I want to free you from your fears, not break you. So, just let me know if at any point it becomes unbearable, okay?”
“Okay…” She bit her lips and said, “Still, I want to get better and I wouldn’t want to be too comfortable.”
“We’ll discuss it all in detail tomorrow, kitten. Tonight, I want to get to the root of your problem. Stand up. Straighten your back and spread your legs for me. Look ahead of yourself.”
Kat obeyed and clasped her hands harder behind her head. Her sudden determination filled me with hope.
I spent some time rummaging through the drawers where I kept my kink tools. Finally, I chose a spreader bar, handcuffs, clover nipple clamps with two heavy metal balls attached to them, a riding crop and a black training collar with a heavy O-ring.
“Just relax and follow my lead. Gather your hair,” I said and put the collar around her neck. Kat smiled when she felt the protective embrace of leather while I was locking it in place. Her trembling slowly subsided and she even straightened her posture even more.
Unorthodox Dom: (New Adult BDSM Romance) (The Unorthodox Trilogy) Page 7
