"No, you did." He took the dry pan out of my hand. "You're a great singer."
"You weren't supposed to be listening."
He grinned and set the pan in a cabinet under the stove. "I eavesdropped. I wanted to see if you were as good as my mom thought you were."
"I'm not…am I?"
"Better."
My cheeks got even hotter, but excitement rushed through me. I'd had an amazing time, and his mom had said I was great, but I was afraid to hope. I was so afraid to hope.
Tad's dad finished washing and slipped out of the kitchen.
I handed Tad a mixing bowl I'd finished drying. "Are you serious? Do you really think I'm good?" I held my breath as I waited for his answer. I really wanted him to say yes. I wanted to be special in some way.
"Yes."
Yes. Tad would never lie to me to make me feel better. I knew he was telling the truth. I really could sing. I couldn't stop the huge grin from spreading across my face. "Cool."
"Very cool." He nodded as he picked up a serving tray and began to dry it. "So ... um ... this thing with you and Rand is totally over, huh?"
Rand? He wanted to talk about Rand? What about my singing? "Of course it is. I told you that in Maine."
"Right. Just checking."
Why was he checking? Why? Why? Why?
"You always date older guys, huh?" He put the tray above the stove and didn't look at me.
"I don't date much," I admitted. It was funny that I was admitting that. I always tried to make everyone think I was so cool, but I'd given up on that with Tad. I was what I was, and that was all the effort I could make.
He looked at me sharply. "I don't believe that."
"It's true." With no more dishes to dry, I set the towel on the table. Kissing random boys at parties didn't count as dating. "I've never actually had a boyfriend, even for a couple days. I don't like to get involved."
A smile played at the corners of his mouth. "Oh."
"Usually, I don't like to get involved," I clarified. "There's always room for exceptions." I held my breath and waited as I dangled the bait. Come on, Tad. Ask me.
"Is there?" He leaned against the counter and folded his arms across his chest, studying me intently. "What kind of exceptions?"
"I've realized recently that I might be willing to get involved if it was a guy I liked." Come on, Tad! Did he need any more hints than this? I wasn't going to come right out and tell him I liked him. What if he rejected me? Sure, I liked him, but no way was I going to put myself out there that far.
"Really?" He studied me. "Interesting."
Interesting? That was all he had to say?
"Is there any guy in particular that you like at the moment?"
I met his gaze. "Maybe."
His smile faded, and his gaze seemed to bore into me. "Anyone I know, Allie?"
I swallowed. Was I really going to tell him? Was I really going to risk it? My heart was pounding, and my hands were shaking. But I looked into those intense green eyes and I knew I was safe with Tad. I could do this. I would do this. I wanted to risk it. "Tad, I—"
"Allie! Your mom's here!"
We both jumped, and I wanted to scream with frustration as Tad's mom stuck her head into the kitchen. Of all the times for my mom to actually show an interest in my life, it had to be now?
Tad levered himself off the counter. "Let's go."
Let's go? He couldn't take a moment to declare his interest in me? Or ask me to finish what I was going to say? It would only take one second, but obviously, he wasn't interested in going there. So, yeah, apparently, he didn't actually like me, which meant it was a good thing I hadn't told him.
I had been so close to making a total fool of myself. Hadn't I learned by now not to count on anyone? I was such an idiot. Burning with disappointment and embarrassment, I turned away. "Fine. Let's go." I left him standing in the kitchen and walked to the front hall, where Mrs. Novak was telling my mom about my incredible singing talent. So much for keeping it a secret. If my mom tried to stop me from taking voice lessons, I'd run away. I was done with being at the whim of everyone, and I was taking my life for myself. "Hi, Mom."
Her gaze swiveled to me, and I was startled to see the look of sadness on her face. "Allie." She folded me into a huge hug and held me for a long minute.
When was the last time she'd hugged me? Maybe when I was born?
She kept one arm around my shoulders even after she released me. Tad was standing in the doorway, a thoughtful expression on his face. What was he thinking? I totally wished I could read minds right now. Or did I? Did I really want to know if he was thinking that I was so not his type?
Maybe I did. At least then I could move on. Yes, I did want to know. It was the only way to get my control and independence back. Maybe I'd ask him tomorrow at work.
Better yet, I'd get Natalie to ask him. That was a much better plan.
My mom finished her farewells and her thank-yous, and even wrote a check to Mrs. Novak.
Did that mean she was going to let me sing? I crossed my fingers behind my back as I followed her out of the house. And when I turned to get into the car, I noticed Tad and his mom were both standing on the porch.
Natalie was definitely going to have to talk to Tad tomorrow. I couldn't stand not knowing how he felt anymore.
* * *
"Why didn't you tell me you were taking singing lessons?" My mom started the engine and the car roared to life.
I dragged my thoughts from Tad and looked at my mom. "I didn't think you'd care."
She frowned as she turned out onto the street. "Why would you think that?" Her voice was soft, not angry or accusatory. It kind of made me wonder what Tad's mom had said to her. Or maybe she'd actually been thinking about what I'd said that night at dinner with Jack and his daughter. Or maybe, she was as tired of all the tension between us as I was. I didn't know.
All I did know was that it felt good to be with her like this, so I answered her honestly. "Because you don't have time for me anymore. You only care about Jack and his daughter."
She shot a glance at me. "You know that's not true."
"Do I? You go to her softball games, you make dinner for them, you leave me home alone every night so you can go hang out with them. I eat microwave pizza, and you cook salmon for them. What else am I supposed to think?"
I expected her to argue with me, tell me I was being a brat. But she didn't. She didn't say anything at all, actually. She didn't look mad, but she didn't tell me I was wrong either. So, I didn't say anything else either. In fact, neither of us said anything more for the entire ride home, and that totally bummed me out.
I wanted her to leap up and deny what I'd said. To announce that she loved me more than anything and that Jack and Martha meant nothing to her.
But she'd been silent. Which meant I was right. And that gave me a lot to think about.
My mom flicked on the light in the kitchen and nodded at the kitchen table. "Sit. We need to talk."
That we did.
I sat, and once she had taken the seat opposite me, I made my announcement. "Blue's parents said I could move in with them for the summer. I've decided I'm going to do that."
My mom looked at me. "Why?"
"Because they care about me." I took a deep breath, trying to get the trembling out of my voice.
She clasped her hands on the table in front of her. "I love you, Allie."
"No, you don't." I wasn't mad though. Not anymore. I was too exhausted to be mad. I was just being honest. "Neither does Dad."
She sighed and looked very tired. "Yes, he does."
"How can you say that?" My voice was getting high now, but I couldn't stop it. "He's barely seen me in six years, and then when I was supposed to go see him, he changes his mind because he has to take care of his fiancée. And now you're hanging out with Jack and his daughter. There’s no room for me in either of your lives, and I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to be at Blue's house."
"All
ie..."
"No." I shook my head and stood up. Tears were streaming down my face, but I didn't care. Let her see me cry. "Do you have any idea what it was like to be with Tad's family this weekend? They love each other, they make time for each other. They took care of me! Do you realize his mom made dinner for me and tended to me when I got stung? When was the last time anyone did that for me, huh? When?" I was screaming so loudly my throat hurt.
My mom stood up, grabbed my shoulders and hauled me against her. "I'm so sorry, honey."
"Let go of me!" I tried to push her off, but she held me tighter.
"I love you, Allie. I'm so sorry for what I've done to you." I felt her kiss my hair, and she hugged me tighter. "I'm so sorry," she said again.
And I cried.
I mean, I really cried. Harder than I've ever cried. I tried to fight her off, but she wouldn't let go of me. So I finally gave up and cried on her. Served her right if I ruined her beautiful blouse.
After I couldn't cry anymore, I pushed away from her. Then I got the shock of my life. She’d been crying too. Tears were still streaming down her cheeks and her eyes were all red.
I had no idea how to respond. Moms weren't supposed to cry.
She gave me this teary smile and patted my chair. So I sat, and she did too. Then she handed me a tissue box, and we both blew our noses and wiped mascara off our cheeks.
It was almost a bonding moment.
"Allie."
"What?" I sniffled.
"I will always love you more than anyone or anything." She held up her hand to silence me before I could protest. "I know I haven't done a good job of showing it. And Jack and his daughter can't ever replace you. I'll always love you more. But I know how much it hurts that your dad has left, and I wanted more than anything to find you someone else. Another dad. Not to replace yours, but in addition."
I swallowed the lump in my throat and thought of Tad's dad.
"It's no excuse for how I've abandoned you, but I've been trying to find you a dad, and someone for me. You're lonely, but so am I. I wanted to find us a family."
A family? I wanted a family. Especially after being around Tad's. I didn’t realize my mom wanted one too. I'd never actually thought about the fact that she might be as sad as I was about my dad leaving. Maybe I should have.
"I really think you might like Jack and Martha, but if you don't, I wouldn't force them on you. But it's because I love you that I want you to give them a chance."
Again, Tad's dad came to mind.
She took my hand and rubbed the back of it. "I feel horrible that I never thought of giving you voice lessons. I've been a terrible mom, and I can't tell you how much I regret it." She started crying again, and I didn't know what to do. I mean, I couldn't exactly tell her she'd been a great mom, could I?
There was one thing I could do, though. "I'll give Jack and Martha a chance. As long as you spend more time with me."
She nodded and held my hand tightly. "It's a deal, Allie."
"And can I take voice lessons?"
"Of course! I'll drive you there as often as you want."
I thought of catching a ride with Tad and Rand. "Tell you what. Give me a day to figure things out. Maybe I'll only need a ride home."
My mom sort of gave me a look. "You like Tad?"
I felt my cheeks get hot. "I don't know."
"He's a lucky boy. You're very special."
"You think I'm special?" I couldn't quite manage not to make my voice trembly.
The hug she gave me convinced me that she did. After she finished persuading me, she got out some ice cream and a couple of bowls and set it up for us on the table. Then she grinned. "Tell me all about Tad. I'm dying to know."
I stuck my spoon in the ice cream. Suddenly, the situation with Tad didn't feel so awful, and it was because my mom was sitting across from me, eating ice cream, and listening to me talk. I smiled, a stupid smile that was silly given that I'd been crying for the last hour, but I couldn't help it. My mom cared. She was listening. And that changed everything.
"Allie? About Tad?"
I grinned, a big, huge fat silly grin. "I don't think he likes me."
"Why?"
I spent the next hour filling her in about Tad and Rand and camping and work. By the time I was finished, my mom was certain Tad liked me.
I didn't dare hope she was right. I couldn't handle being disappointed again. Tomorrow, I'd find out when Natalie asked him.
I wasn't sure I was ready for the answer.
Chapter Twelve
Natalie stopped picking strawberries, folded her arms across her chest and shook her head. "No. I won't ask Tad if he likes you."
"But you have to! I can't handle not knowing." How could she do this to me?
"Ask him yourself."
"Why?" I couldn't believe she wasn't going to do this for me. I couldn't take not knowing anymore. How could she bail on me like this?
"Because it's the right thing to do," she said.
"But I can't. What if he says no to my face? I'll be totally embarrassed."
"And what if he says yes? I'll tell you, and then you two will give each other nervous looks for the next two weeks, afraid to actually talk to each other now that you know how the other feels. It's better if you do it." She rolled her eyes. "You're tough, Allie. You can handle it if he says no."
I bit my lip. Sometimes there was a definite disadvantage to successfully making everyone think you were tough. Tad knew it wasn't true, yet he liked me anyway. Well, liked, not liked.
"Morning." Tad dropped his wheelbarrow with a thud and nodded at us.
My heart jumped at the sight of him. He was wearing his usual outfit, khaki shorts and a T-shirt and hat. He was so cute I could barely stand it.
I had decided to wear my farm stand T-shirt, jeans that were old but still fashionable, and trendy sneakers. My makeup was minimal, and I hadn't used the curling iron, thought it was still pulled back in a stylish half-pony. More casual than I was at the beginning of the summer by a lot, but pretty enough that I felt good.
Natalie studied both of us, and I wondered if she'd changed her mind and was going to ask him. "I'm going to go get another shovel," I suggested, to see if she'd stay and talk to Tad. Come on, Natalie. Do it, please.
She eyed me, then looked at Tad. "You two need to get things sorted out on your own."
"Natalie!"
"Tad, Allie likes you. Tad, if you like her, tell her. If not, put her out of her misery. Have a nice day." And then she took off running toward the shed. Good thing she was fast because I would have shoved my work gloves down her throat if she wasn't already across the field.
My cheeks were roasting and I couldn't look at Tad. So I kneeled down in the dirt and started digging. I had no idea what I was digging for, and I wasn't anywhere near a plant, but I didn't care. Anything not to look like a total idiot.
Then Tad crouched in front of me. "Is that true?"
I couldn't look at him. "She's making it up," I muttered.
He rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet. "So you don't like me?" His voice was thoughtful, as if he wasn't quite buying my denial.
I shoved hard at the dirt. "I didn't at first. You were a jerk."
"Yeah, sorry about that," he acknowledged. "Want to know why?"
"No. Yes. Whatever." Did I? It depended on what the reason was.
"Because a girl like you would never be interested in me."
My head snapped up at that, and I stared at him. "What?"
He nodded. "You're beautiful. Obviously very popular, and guys like Rand were all over you. What chance did I have?"
"Did you want a chance?" Shoot. Did I sound too hopeful?
"Of course I did."
My heart started to pound, and I felt a little dizzy. "You did?"
"So I decided not to like you, so I wouldn't care when you ended up with Rand."
I sat back on my heels, absolutely stunned by what he was telling me. "You did an awfully good j
ob of not liking me."
He shook his head. "No, I didn't. I cared."
I grinned. "Really?"
"Uh-huh."
"So, then, how come when Rand and I didn't work out, you didn't do anything?" Could you have gotten a more romantic setting than the lake at night looking at the stars?
"Because I didn't want to be a consolation prize."
Male pride. So annoying.
"If Rand wanted you back, would you go?"
I rolled my eyes. "You're such a guy. Give it up, Tad. Either like me or don't. You know that I'm the one who shoved Rand on his butt. Yes, I like you, though I can't imagine why because you're a jerk and you torture me."
He was still sitting there watching me.
So I lightly punched him on the shoulder and caught him off balance. Another push and he was on his rear end. "I can't deal with you."
"Then it's mutual. I can't deal with you either."
"Fine. Forget it." I picked up my shovel and climbed to my feet. My legs were shaking and I was so upset I could barely stand, but I wasn't about to let him see that. He might know I was a softy about my dad, but no way was I going to let him find out I was a softy about him.
I had only made it about three feet in my flight when I felt his hand on my wrist. "Wait a sec, Allie."
I stopped, but didn't turn around to face him. "What?"
"I'm sorry."
"About what? Not liking me? Don't worry about it. I didn't really like you anyway. It was part of a bet with my friends." Spiteful, sure, but who needs boys anyway? It was time I showed that I didn't.
He turned me to face him. "What bet?"
"A bet with my friends. Natalie thought that you liked me even though you were a jerk. Blue and Frances said that some boys were actually immune to my charms, so after they met you, they decided you were one of them, and they bet that you didn't like me. The bet will be over at the end of the summer."
He lifted a brow. "What did you bet?"
"Natalie drafted me, but I thought it was stupid. I don't care enough what you think to make a bet on it." I folded my arms across my chest and tried to look bored. How could I have told him about the bet? It would totally feed his ego, and there should be none of that.
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