Finding Us

by Allie Juliette Mousseau

  “What’s this?” I asked of the drink in the shot glass—it looked … different?

  “A mental image.”

  “A what?”

  “You’ll see. I’ll tell you when to drink it. Just follow my lead.”

  We wove through the crowd and sat back at our table. A seat was open next to Nate and I wondered if he’d done it on purpose? The blonde was still on his other side, between him and Travis. Charlie was entertaining a short haired brunette. Ryan and Griffin were gone for the moment. Caleb grabbed Piper’s ass as she walked by then pulled her onto his lap.

  Oh, if only!

  The boys were talking music and sports. That is, except Nate, who was watching me as he took a pull from his beer bottle.

  I met his eyes. Angry. Yep, definitely angry.

  “Are you girls going to nurse on bottles all night or what?” Piper accused then nodded her head, indicating my shot.

  Oh! I picked it up. What the hell was in the glass anyway? I couldn’t figure it out; I’d never seen anything like it. Clear liquid filled the shot glass, and on the surface of the alcohol was a cloudy spoonful of, um … I put it up to my nose, it smelled of butterscotch. I caught Piper staring at me like I was a lunatic. I was supposed to be following her visual lead.

  “Sorry,” I mumbled, still transfixed by the creamy substance floating on the top.

  “Here’s to Cocksucking Cowboys,” Piper announced. Then she lifted her shot and, looking over at the guys, said, “You boys can take that anyway you’d like.” She threw her head back and swallowed the shot.

  A WHAT?!? That floating stuff was supposed to represent … oh God! No way could I put it in my mouth now! I felt like I had to make sure it wasn’t that.

  I plunged my index finger in through the creamy surface till it touched the bottom of the glass then pulled it out and put it in my mouth to suck it off. My eyes trailed to Nate, who was watching me, mesmerized.

  “Mmm.” I popped my finger from my mouth. “That’s real good.”

  He made a noise from his throat and stared wide eyed, flicking his gaze between my mouth, wet finger and eyes.

  “Wanna taste?” I offered.

  He didn’t move. I pressed my teeth into my bottom lip and shrugged before I put the shot up to my mouth. I kept my eyes locked on his as I let it slide down my throat.

  I set the empty shot glass on the table. Nate was still staring at me.

  I stood up, turned my chair to face the dance floor, picked up my other drink and sat back down, crossing one of my legs over the other. I checked myself from my red hot high heels up my leg to my thigh. I caught the hem of the black high rise and wiggled it down, or actually pretended to, because it rode as low as it could in this position. A mix of confidence and shyness spread through my blood, just like the shots had, and I looked up through my lashes at Nate, whose eyes were also climbing my legs and body before they fell on mine.

  Ryan came bouncing up to the table from off of the dance floor. He must have been dancing with someone. “Hey, you’re back! Good, you have to dance with me.” He grabbed my hands without ceremony.

  I hesitated and, like an idiot, looked to Nate like, Hey help!

  “Go on and dance, Jules.” Caleb pushed for some stupid-ass reason with an equally stupid-ass grin on his face! “It’s a great song.”

  As “Crash My Party” by Luke Bryan filled my ears, I felt like I was sucked into a black hole. My heart crushed in my chest as Ryan’s warm hand curled over mine. His arm rested on my hip, and he swayed me back and forth to the music.

  Fuck you, Caleb! And damn you, Nate!

  I still wore Nate’s hat, and I was grateful because it kept my face and emotions hidden from Ryan. I had to get over this self pity fast before it consumed me entirely and made me lose myself.

  It’s okay, Jules. It’s okay to have a cracked heart, and it’s okay that you fell in love with someone who didn’t love you back. I closed my eyes to really think about this, to capture the truth that I needed to move on. Nathaniel Morrisey isn’t meant for you and you are not meant for him. But someday, somewhere, you’ll fall in love again, even if it doesn’t feel like that now. I let out a shuddering breath. This whole dress-to-kill, come-onto-you act was so ridiculous. It had seemed fun for a little while. Now, I felt stupid for even trying it.

  NO! I will NOT let you do that to yourself. You came into this club and owned it, just like Piper said. You’ve had guys falling all over themselves tonight. You’re beautiful whatever you’re wearing, whatever you’re doing, and don’t forget it. You’re fucking perfect. I thanked the little voice inside my head, which was actually on my side for once.

  “So, Julia, maybe when we get back home, you and I could go out on a proper date again? Would you like that?” Ryan asked.

  I tipped my head up to look him straight in the eye. My mind rushed through all the possibilities. Give myself over to the hot Aussie guy I’d never have to answer to or see again? Go home and start a relationship with handsome, safe Ryan? I stole a peek at Nate.

  “I’m moving to Seattle.”

  “What? When? Why?”

  “I’m transferring to the big U of W. I’ll be living on campus near Sam and Will.” It sounded good coming out of my mouth. “A change of scenery will do me good.”

  “I didn’t even know you were considering a move.” Ryan looked seriously disappointed.

  “I’ve been thinking on it for a while.” We were quiet until the music ended. “You know, you really are an amazing guy, Ryan. Thanks for the dance.”

  “Yeah, glad I got a few in. You’ll sure be missed.”

  I smiled and we went back to the table.

  “Piper, I need the bag,” I said, taking the last sip from my drink. Piper handed it to me. “I’ll be back.” I was definitely buzzed. It didn’t take much.

  I went to the ladies’ room, where there was a line a mile long.

  I held up the bag like a badge. “I’m just changing my shoes.”

  Most of the girls looked at my feet and nodded sympathetically. I sat on the sofa in the waiting room. Oh, my poor feet. But, boy, had they looked sexy. I pulled off each shoe and rubbed my feet and toes until the soreness abated. I slipped on my rust colored cowboy boots and put the heels into the bag. I’d give them to my mom. I wouldn’t be able to bear looking at them again after tonight.

  I zipped the bag and the band started playing “Even If It Breaks Your Heart” from the Eli Young Band. Deciding not to move just yet, I rested my head on the back of the sofa. I had dreamed big for a long time. Not every girl gets her fairytale ending. But the truth was I still hadn’t done the deed. My goal tonight had been to come straight to Nate and tell him. Tell him the truth about how I felt. That had been my objective.

  I stood up, slung the bag over my shoulder and checked myself out in the mirror. Objectives change, I had done my best. I took off Nate’s hat and shook out my hair, then smoothed my hands over my dress. Sexy black little number. I had balls! Oh yes I did.

  A few minutes later, when I stepped out of the bathroom and rounded the corner I literally slammed into Nate, who was standing by the ladies’ room door.

  “Whoa, hell of a place to pick up girls,” I mumbled, catching myself.

  “Ryan said you’re moving to Seattle.”

  “News travels fast.” I pushed past him and the line of women congregating for the bathroom, who were now watching the two of us.

  He followed me. “For how long? Ryan made it sound like indefinitely.”

  I stopped to face him and held his hat out. “I don’t really know how long.”

  “When are you leaving?” he pressed as he snatched the hat from my hand.

  “Plane takes off early Monday morning,” I said. Hope bloomed in my chest at his response to my leaving, but I squashed it down firmly. I’d been fooled before, and I wasn’t going to put myself out there yet again. Not when I always ended up feeling like crap afterward. “Want a beer?”

  “No, I don’t
want a beer, I want to know why,” he demanded, wrapping his fingers around my arm and pulling me aside into the foyer, which was more private.

  “What do you care?” I frowned, yanking my arm back.

  “What do you mean, what do I care? How could you ask me that?” He turned and paced in the tight hallway.

  “There isn’t anything here for me, and I thought I could use a change of scenery.” My words sounded empty. Hell, they were empty. My mind flashed an S.O.S. Tell him, stupid. But I couldn’t make the words come out. I was too scared.

  “Right, Ryan said you said that.”

  He was upset. Upset that I was leaving. I wasn’t imagining his reaction.

  I watched him pace, frustrated like a trapped animal in a cage. Open the lock, Julia North.

  Livie said it—it would have to be me.

  “You still owe me a dance, cowboy.”

  Chapter 8

  “Come A Little Closer”

  Dierks Bentley

  The band began to play Dierks Bentley’s “Come a Little Closer,” and Nate hurriedly pulled me into him. The weight of his hands on my hips made me feel like I was on fire, but he wasn’t being romantic or tender; he was upset and here to talk.

  “You didn’t tell anyone except for Caleb and Piper, because they’re the only ones who didn’t look surprised when Ryan came over bursting with that … information?” Nate was mad and showing it. He almost spat the last word and pointed to our table. “I know for damn sure you didn’t tell Colt or Suzanne.”

  “I actually don’t have to tell my parents anything. I’m an adult now, Nate. I don’t even need their money anymore, I make plenty of my own.” I was calm as a clear blue sky, and I wondered where my sudden serenity was coming from. I decided I may not have been wild like my brothers, but I was still a North.

  “I’m not saying you’re not an adult,” he huffed out. “But you are committed to your family, so I don’t get it, why would you just up and leave? From Edmonton no less. You don’t even have any of your stuff!”

  It may have been a little mean, but I was enjoying his discomfort a lot more than I probably should’ve been.

  “Why is this bothering you? That’s what I don’t get.” I had to tilt my head to better watch his expression. “You barely ever talk to me anymore.”

  He looked hurt. “I apologized for that, for not being a good friend.”

  “Yes, you did, and I forgave you. But I mean, come on, Nate, it’s not like we’re close anymore. Hell, we’re hardly even friends these days. Friendships are built on more than our cold exchanges of ‘Hello’ and ‘How are you?’.”

  At that his expression changed, hard and fast, almost cracking my resolve. He clenched his jaw and looked like he was going to break.

  I took a deep breath. “I turned nineteen years old last month and it seems like life and love are passing me by. Caleb has Piper, Livie even got Jake. I want to feel something, Nate, other than my heart crushing in my chest.”

  “What do you mean, crushing in your chest? What does that mean?” He searched my eyes like a man on a ledge searches for a rope.

  I took my hand off his shoulder and let it rest on his jaw. The simple action took my breath away. The delicious feel of his skin under the softness of my fingers … I wanted him so badly, but I braced myself for the inevitable rejection.

  “Do you have your Zippo on you?”

  Pieces of me were crumbling and breaking because I knew this was it. But he pressed his face into my palm and it forced me to keep going.

  “Let me have the lighter, Nathaniel,” I said softly.

  He squeezed his eyes closed at the sound of his name and reached into his back pocket, then held his lighter out to me.

  “What makes it work?”

  He opened his eyes, but they stayed heavily lidded. “What are you asking me, Julia?”

  “Tell me how it makes the flame.”

  “The steel strikes the flint,” he said into my hand.

  “And that creates the spark that lights the flame.”

  “Yeah.”

  I guided his face so he would have to meet my eyes. “Then how about if you be the steel and I’ll be the flint?”

  He studied me for a moment.

  Oh please. I willed him to understand what I was saying.

  He gripped my face in both of his large strong hands like he had just found that rope.

  I tried to smile softly, encouragingly, but a flood of emotions were pulling me under. “Kiss me.”

  His lips crashed down on my mouth. It wasn’t a soft, sweet first kiss; it was a starving, survivors-clawing-for-life first kiss, as if we were each other’s air and we’d both been holding our breaths for a dangerous length of time.

  Nothing around us mattered. I grabbed the back of his head and pressed him into me so the kiss wouldn’t stop. I wanted the sensation to last forever, the softness of his lips, the heat of his mouth and the taste of liquor on his tongue.

  As my eyes flooded with tears, I gasped as a sob ripped through my chest.

  “I love you, Nate,” I breathed into his mouth.

  His lids fluttered open and he contemplated me, his green eyes full of storms.

  “I’ve always loved you, Jules.” He lifted me up off the floor, held me against his chest and buried his head into my neck. “Good God, please don’t go. Please don’t leave me.”

  “I don’t want to go. ” My tears hit his face and neck. “But I can’t keep living without you.”

  “I don’t know how to love you the right way. And I know you could do so much better than me … I’ve just been trying to protect you all this time.”

  “From what?”

  “From me. I don’t want to hurt you, Julia; it would just kill me.” He swiped his gaze over the light fabric at my shoulder and captured my eyes with his own. His were wet and bloodshot. “And I’m going to hurt you, I know it.”

  “Yes, yes you are, and I’m going to hurt you. It’s the natural order of things. But so is forgiveness.”

  He squeezed me tightly again before setting me back down, his eyes still locked on mine. “I don’t know what to do. Tell me what to do?”

  He was so sweet; my sweet, rough around the edges Nate.

  “How about you get us out of here?” I touched his hand with mine. “I feel like everyone’s watching us.”

  “That’s because they are.” He tried to grin, but he was obviously overcome.

  I smiled for the two of us.

  He wiped my tears with his thumbs. “Come on, I’ll take you back to the hotel.”

  “You can drive, right?”

  “Yeah, I’ve only had two beers all night and one of those spilled on the floor.”

  “Guess that was my fault.” I caught my lip between my teeth.

  “Guess it was,” he said, taking my hand in his.

  We walked back to the table where everybody was sitting, mouths dropped open and eyebrows raised … except for Caleb and Piper. Caleb stood up and gave Nate a hand grip and the one arm man hug.

  “About damn time,” he quipped.

  Nate shoved him. “You would’ve killed me last year.”

  “Yeah but that was last year, asshole!” He looked over at me with a wink and gave my shoulder a gentle push.

  Charlie, Travis and Griffin each elbow locked Nate, leaning into his ear for congratulations. Ryan had made himself scarce.

  Piper gave me a huge hug and whispered in my ear, “Well played, sister.”

  “You’re the bomb, Piper, thanks for the courage,” I whispered back.

  “I’m taking Jules back early,” Nate announced.

  “No problem, boss, we can find our own way back,” Charlie replied while the other two nodded in agreement.

  Nate put on his own jacket then helped me on with mine.

  I snatched up the bag then reached up and put my arms around Caleb’s neck for a hug.

  “Are you sure, Jules?” he asked.

  “More than anything.”
/>
  “That’s all I needed to hear. He’s the greatest guy I know.” Caleb bent down and gave me a smooch on the cheek. “I love you, girl.”

  “You too.”

  The next thing I knew I was living out a dream. Alone, Nate and I were walking to his truck, leaving the party together.

  He came to my side first, unlocked the door, opened it for me and helped me inside.

  “You’re so perfect and beautiful. I’ve been such a fool for so long.”

  “Yes, yes you have.” My eyes dropped as I felt shy again. “But you’re worth the wait.”

  Nate buried his fingers into my hair and let his thumb glide over my lips. “I’m sorry I made you wait.”

  “I’m sorry you made yourself wait.”

  He nodded, full of emotion.

  We were both quiet on the way back, each of us trying to fathom what had just happened.

  He walked me to my motel room door but stood back a bit as I swiped the key card. “You’re coming in for a drink, right?”

  He looked nervous as hell. “I’d like that.”

  “Hey, you two!” a familiar voice rang from down the hall.

  I turned my head toward the sound. Dark leather ankle boots with ties, black boot-cut jeans and a Ramones t-shirt. “SAMMY!” I took off in a sprint and crashed into my other big brother, causing him to spill half the bucket of ice he was carrying.

  “Hey, kid!” Sam wrapped his arms around me and lifted me off my feet.

  “I didn’t know you were coming!” I gave him a big kiss on the cheek and tapped his lip ring with my finger like I was ringing a bell.

  “Yeah, it was a surprise to me too. The guys from Nascar and Motor Trend are doing a special feature and wanted me and Lady to be a part of it.”

  Lady was his modified ’69 Dodge Charger race car.

  He did a double take at my dress. “You look beautiful, Jules!”

  “Thanks!” I loved that he didn’t judge me.

  “Hey, Nate! Good to see you, man.” They gave each other the official forearm grip and one armed hug.

  “When’d you get in?” Nate asked.

  “’Bout an hour ago. They’re shooting the muscle car vs. muscle car race early tomorrow morning at the speedway and I need my beauty sleep.” He winked.