Precious Consequences

by Tamsyn Bester

  “Can we be friends?” I ask quietly. “Is it possible?”

  He knows I’m not only referring to the intense attraction between us. I’m silently asking him about the very reason he decided we couldn’t be more than friends.

  “If you’re wondering whether or not it still matters that you have a daughter, the answer is no, it doesn’t.”

  This is what I wanted, isn’t it? For Cameron to still be in my life, even if just as friends? Only, I thought it would feel better than this and as much as I want to deny it, I’m disappointed that ‘friends’ is our only option. Because really, I want more. And I can see that he does, too, but like me, he’s fighting it. We both know this won’t work, but we’re deluded enough to think it can.

  We stare at each other for a while, not saying anything, thinking about what we’re about to attempt. Cameron brings his hand up to my face and cradles it, his thumb stroking my cheek. Our breathing changes and the air thickens as we stand surrounded by everything we feel but don’t surrender to, and everything we should say but don’t. The energy humming between us is starting to suffocate me, and even if I want more, and I want so much more from him than I will ever admit, I do the only thing I can. Because not having him, in any way at all, is simply not a risk I’m willing to take.

  So I break. I give in. I relent.

  “Okay, Cameron,” I sigh, my words heavy as they leave my mouth.

  “Okay, what?”

  “Okay we can be friends.”

  The intensity of his stare sears me. “Is that what you want?”

  No! I want more. I want all of it. I want all of you. And I want you to want me, and my daughter! I yell, only he can’t hear me because it’s in my head.

  “We have to try,” I whisper.

  Cameron’s hand lingers a moment longer, a moment I wish would last forever, and then it drops to his side. “Okay. Friends.”

  And then I see it. The look on his face. He wants more, too, and I can tell that it scares him. It scares me, too.

  “Will I see you later?” he asks.

  “I don’t know,” I reply honestly. “I have to go home and check on Ari before my class at eleven.”

  He nods, saying, “I’ll walk you to your car.”

  We’re about to leave when a tall, leggy blonde comes into the pool area. Her bleached blonde hair swishes with her hips as they sway, a little to vigorously if you ask me, from side to side.

  “There you are,” she chimes, locking her gaze onto Cameron. I bristle, and then rebuke myself. I don’t know who this girl is and I shouldn’t care.

  “Rachel, what do you want?” Cameron asks with annoyance.

  “I came to see if you wanted to grab coffee,” she replies, coming to stand at Cameron’s side. She looks between the two of us.

  “Not right now, I have to go shower,” Cameron lies.

  Rachel grins and I can almost hear her purring. “Even better.”

  Cameron rolls his eyes and then looks at me somewhat apologetic.

  “Hey, don’t I know you from somewhere?” Rachel asks me. I take a good look at her, something about her face and blonde locks seem familiar. When it doesn’t ring a bell, I shrug. “No, I don’t think so.”

  Feeling uncomfortable, I look back to Cameron. “I’m going to get going, but maybe I’ll see you later.”

  “Okay, I’ll see you later, Hayley.”

  I scurry out of there, unable to leave fast enough. Something about that girl felt off, and it had nothing to do with how she was touching Cameron. Although, that bothered me too.

  “Friends,” I mutter to myself as I climb into my car. “We’re just friends.”

  Chapter 11

  ~ Mid - November 2013 ~

  ~ Cameron ~

  I release a sigh when I finally walk out of my last class for the week. Exhaustion is slowly creeping up on me and I have to stifle a yawn. I look around, watching people pass me by, noticing how quickly fall has arrived. I’ve been swimming a lot more and as much as I want to say it’s to improve, that would be a total lie. I don’t need improvement. I do it to stop thinking about her and the colossal mistake I’m making by agreeing to be friends. But in these past weeks, after Hayley and I came to our agreement, I’ve found that being just friends is so much harder. We see each other at lunch everyday, and sometimes she’ll be at our swim meets and practices with Hannah, but it feels like we’ve been avoiding each other. Maybe I have. Maybe I know being around her is too difficult when I have finally acknowledged that something has changed, yet again. Another switch has been flipped and now I’m stuck. Stuck between what I know, which has been sex and no feelings whatsoever, and what I wish I didn’t feel.

  I’m walking past a grass patch, between the campus coffee shop and the library, when a familiar laugh stops me in my tracks. I turn quickly and immediately wish I hadn’t. Hayley and Hannah are sitting on a bench under a huge oak tree, sipping coffees and laughing about something. I walk a little closer, but stay far enough away so that neither of them would see me if they look my way. I’m just close enough so that I can hear bits of their conversation. I step out of the way of other students and watch her. She throws her head back and her glorious, sweet laugh fills the air. It travels, reaching me, pulling me to her. Her nose scrunches when Hannah says something and I chuckle. She’s so damn cute when she does that.

  I take another step closer, catching more of their conversation. I’m curious to know what they’re talking about.

  “Are you sure you can’t come?” Hayley whines. “It’ll be fun. We need a girl’s night out. We’re going to a bar, just outside of town.”

  Hannah smiles, replying, “I would but I have a date.” She wriggles her eyebrows and Hayley slaps her lightly on the arm.

  “You’re worse than a teenage boy,” Hayley remarks.

  Hannah snorts. “What? We have needs, too, you know! You can’t tell me you won’t meet a hot-blooded man tonight, Hayls. Even moms need to get laid.”

  Hannah bumps Hayley’s shoulder but Hayley smiles awkwardly and looks down. I clench my fist and mentally kick myself in the balls for being curious about their damn conversation. The idea of Hayley being with someone else, his hands on her body, his mouth on hers, shouldn’t upset me. But it does. It almost makes me violent. I turn around, ready to leave, when Hayley responds. “Han, how many times do I have to tell you, I want more than just one night of hot, suck-the-nails-out-of-the-wall sex. And you know my first experience with a guy after Ari wasn’t exactly the greatest.”

  I wince, not only because of the resignation and disappointment in her voice, but because it’s me she’s talking about. Not wanting to hear another word, I walk away. My anger simmers just below the surface, a slow tormenting kind of self-loathing. I have no one else but myself to blame for how I handled the situation with Hayley. And now I’m paying for it, by settling for friendship when I know it’s not enough.

  Since it’s Friday, I decide to skip the routine house party at Noah’s house and find myself walking into the bar just outside of town instead. I check my watch. It’s only six thirty, I doubt Hayley is here yet. I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing here, but I’m here. I walk up to the bar, order a beer and take a seat in a badly lit corner. The bar is dirty, and smells like sweat and stale beer. The lights are dim, giving a feint glow that illuminates some old hunting and football memorabilia on the walls. I check my watch again and as I look up, I see Hayley walk in, a blonde girl at her side who I assume is her friend. She’s already so out of place in a dump like this, especially when she looks the way she does. My eyes travel down her body as I watch her walk over to the bar. Her dark blue skinny jeans wrap around her legs like a second skin and show off her wide hips. Her body looks remarkable for someone who has a kid, I’ll give her that. She takes off her jacket, making her long brown hair bounce, and reveals a skintight black long sleeved V-neck shirt. It’s a simple outfit, finished off with a pair of brown cowboy boots, but it’s the way it fits her body that
gets the attention of the guys, and older men, around her. I sit up and grind my teeth when a tall, lanky guy approaches Hayley and her friend. She smiles sweetly and shakes her head while taking a seat. I relax and finish off my beer. I feel like a creeper, watching Hayley from my spot in the dark corner, but it’s better than the alternative. That being that she ends up going home with one of these white trash assholes.

  “Can I get you anything else?” A waitress stands next to me, leaning in a little too close when she grabs my empty beer bottle. Her tits graze my arm and she smiles at me with what I think is meant to be seduction. But it’s not working. Her perfume is overwhelming, she has too much make-up caked on her face and, well, she just isn’t doing it for me.

  “No, thanks,” I reply. She pouts and leans her face closer to mine. Too close. So I shift back a little. “Is there anything else I can do for you?” she asks, trailing her finger up my arm.

  “No, thanks,” I repeat firmly. “I’m waiting for my girlfriend.” The lie falls from my mouth easily, but it appears to have worked when the waitress pouts and stalks off, approaching another guy who seems a little more interested. I’ve never hung out in a shit hole like this before, but if I wasn’t here, doing only God knows what watching Hayley, I might have flirted back with that waitress. Maybe even let her drag me out back and show me a good time. But that sounds as appealing as shaving a monkey's balls.

  Hayley’s blonde friend jumps up and joins some guy on the dance floor, leaving Hayley alone at the bar. Every muscle in my body reacts when another guy approaches her and takes the vacant seat next to her. She shifts, looking uncomfortable. He offers her a drink and even when she declines, he orders it anyway. I know guys like him. They get a girl drunk, take them to a motel and have their way with them. Then, when morning comes, they disappear. I’m not about to let that happen to Hayley.

  When an uneventful hour has passed, I’m still in the same seat, only I’ve been drinking water. Hayley and her friend have been sitting at the bar, having a few shots offered by the scumbags around them and sipping on beers. By the way Hayley sways slightly, it’s obvious that she’s had enough to drink. The guy chatting her up stands and offers his hand. Hayley hesitates, looking back at her friend who nods her encouragement. I suddenly don’t like her friend so much. I watch Hayley walk to the dance floor, swaying her hips to the slow beat of a new song. The guy wraps his arms around her waist and pulls her close, making me grip my chair until I feel my fingers numb. Her arms go around his neck, and I see the look of apprehension on her face. If she’s so uncomfortable then why is she dancing with him?

  It’s when he starts grinding into her and she tries to push away that I jump to my feet, walking over to them. I hear her tell him she’d like to go back to the bar but he tightens his grip, making her squirm.

  “I think she wants you to let her go now,” I say. Their heads whip up and Hayley looks surprised, while the guy holding her looks annoyed.

  “We’re dancing, can’t you see that?” he snaps back. His hands tighten around Hayley’s arms and she winces.

  “Well, now I’m cutting in,” I reply, stepping closer. I put my arm around Hayley’s waist from behind and pull her out of fucknut’s grip.

  He glowers at me, puffing out his chest, like that’ll intimidate me somehow. Is this twatwaffle for real? I’m at least four inches taller than he is with a whole lot more muscle. I can knock him out quicker than what Mohammed Ali can float like a butterfly.

  “Whatever, man, pretty sure she’s not worth all the trouble anyway,” he says, walking away.

  I go to grab his shirt, ready to break his jaw, when Hayley’s delicate hand wraps around my forearm. I shouldn’t feel the heat where her hand touches my skin. But I do. I can’t help it.

  “Cam,” she looks at me through glazed eyes. “What are you doing here?”

  If only I knew.

  Our eyes meet and it’s strange how connected I feel to her, standing in the middle of this run-down hole-in-the-wall of a bar.

  “I -” My words stop. I don’t want to lie to her, so we just end up staring at each other.

  “Cameron?” she presses. “Why are you here? Were you spying on me?”

  “Hayley, I - ” My words catch again. She’ll know I’m being dishonest. I rub the back of my neck and look away, allowing that to be my answer. Yes, goddammit, I’m here for you! Because I can’t stand the idea of another fucker's hands on you! You’re not mine, but I feel like you should be, I tell her in my head.

  “How did you know I’d be here?” she asks, dipping her head so she can look at me.

  “Does it matter?” I throw back as casually as possible. Inside I’m burning up, and my fingers are itching to reach out to her.

  “Yes, actually it does.” Her words are firm, full of resolve. Her arms cross over her chest, but she sways a little. My hand shoots out and steadies her by her elbow.

  “I think you’ve had enough,” I tell her. “Let me take you home.”

  Her face contorts, changing from a look of question to one of anger. “Excuse me?” she snaps. Her voice raises an octave or two.

  I lean in closer and lower my voice as to not draw any unnecessary attention to our discussion. “I think it’s time for you to leave, before you do something irresponsible like go home with one of these scumbags.”

  Hayley gasps, and I catch a movement at the corner of my eye. Before her palm can make contact with my cheek I grab her wrist.

  “How dare you, Cameron! Are you insinuating that I’m a whore?”

  “No! No, that’s not what I - ” I start to explain but Hayley spins on her heel and walks away. I follow her, grab her arm and spin her around.

  “Hayley, listen to me, that’s not what I meant,” I say.

  She glares up at me and I see her eyes glaze over again, but not from alcohol. No. I’ve hurt her feelings and she’s about to cry.

  Shit.

  “Then what did you mean?” she asks, her voice trembling behind her bravado.

  “I just mean that someone in your situation should be more responsible.”

  “What do you know about being responsible?” she throws back. “You’re rich, sexy as hell, and I bet you have girls lined up, just begging you to get into their panties for a night. Life is just a peach for Cameron Argent, right? Not a care in the world.”

  What the hell? Where did that come from?

  The muscle in my jaw ticks and now my anger matches hers. She has no idea what she’s talking about, and if she wants to put it all out there, then I will, too.

  “I know that someone with a two year old at home shouldn’t be acting like this,” I grind out, regretting the words immediately when her face falls. She pulls her arm out of my grip and storms past me towards the bathroom and down the hallway to the back door.

  I groan, brushing my short hair roughly. Why did I just say that?

  I rush after her, nearly breaking the door off its hinges when I push it open. When I don’t find her, I walk around the corner to search the alley. Hayley is leaning against the wall, her head thrown back, her chest moving as she breathes.

  “Hayley?”

  Her head shoots up and she startles. “Go away, Cameron. I have nothing to say to you.”

  I step closer, slowly, like I’m approaching a wild animal. I need to fix this before Hayley has another chance to run.

  “I’m sorry, Hayley, I didn’t mean what I said.”

  Her voice catches and I hear her hiccup. Dammit, she’s been crying. “But you still said it. I might have a daughter, but I would never do anything irresponsible.”

  “I know,” I sigh, feeling like a total dick.

  She looks up at me. “Why are you really here, Cameron?”

  “I came because I wanted to look out for you, is that what you want to hear?”

  Hayley moves closer until her sweet perfume floats around me. I memorize the lingering scent, saving it for later.

  “You don’t get to look out for me, we�
�re just friends, remember?”

  “Hayley, just - ”

  “Aren’t we?”

  “Fuck, I don’t know!” I almost yell.

  Our eyes collide, a whirlwind of emotions flitting between us like wildfire. I can’t take it anymore. I’ve had to pretend, for weeks, that Hayley and I are friends when we both know it’s a lie. Her eyes widen when I close the distance between us, but she doesn’t back away. I lower my head until I can feel her warm breath touch my lips and I inhale, slowly, like she’s breathing into me. My lips brush hers, gently, and I slide my hand around her neck.

  Her voice comes as a breathy whisper, and her lips move against mine, “Cameron.”

  The way she says my name is enough, and it’s almost too much. I crush my lips to hers, pulling her closer to me. Her lips move with mine and when her tongue traces my bottom lip a shiver snakes its way down my spine. My hands slide down her sides and I grip her thighs, lifting her so that her legs wrap around me. I push her against the wall and she moans, making me harden in my jeans. Her hands make their way up my arms and stop on my biceps. She squeezes the muscles, using them as leverage to push herself into me. Her hips grind against mine and our mouths separate momentarily as our moans collide in the air. I nibble on her lower lip which only makes her kiss seem hungrier and more fervent. The feel of our lips connecting drives me wild and I like the affect I’m having on Hayley, knowing that her body is responding the same way to my touch as mine does to hers.

  Her fingers sink into my arms and she stops. “Stop,” she says. “Cameron, stop!”

  I look at her and see panic in her eyes. She pushes away from me until I drop her back on her feet.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask, feeling all over the place. My mind is clouded, my jeans are straining and I’m struggling to understand why Hayley is suddenly pulling away from me.

  “We shouldn’t have…I shouldn’t have...” She’s mumbling. When I see regret cross her face my heart constricts and I realize that maybe she no longer has feelings for me.

  “You didn’t want me,” she blurts out. She lowers her head and it’s like a kick to the stomach. She’s right, though. I didn’t want her, but now I do. I just have to show her that I mean it this time. I’m about to tell her as much when she faces me, tears streaming down her face.