Precious Consequences

by Tamsyn Bester

  “Where are you going?” Cameron asks. I take a moment to observe his features. His eyes are tired, and red, and his cheeks seem a little hollowed. His suit fits him perfectly, his dress pants showing off his thighs, and his gray shirt clings to his chest. Even in the cold his sleeves are rolled up to his forearms and his tattoo peeks out just below his elbow. Less than a week ago I was wrapped around that body, tracing the lines of his tattoos, committing every dip and curve of his muscles to memory. Not that I could ever forget. He’s spent hours loving me with that body in the most beautiful, excruciating way, and now there’s just…nothing.

  My reply comes out flat and void of any sentiment. “Home.”

  He looks down, fidgeting with my coat. When his head lifts again, every molecule and nerve ending in my body yearns to reach out to him, touch his stubbled cheek, and wipe away the tears that will spill. But instead I grip my waist tighter. He must interpret it as a shiver from the cold, and reaches his arm out, my coat in his hands. “Thanks,” I mumble, slipping my arms through the sleeves. We say nothing for a while longer and the tension collides with the crackling of energy that pulsates between us like a living organism. My heart thumps loudly in my ears and races in my chest.

  When neither of us can take the awkward silence anymore, Cameron is the first to speak. “Thank you for coming.”

  A twinge of anger prickles my blood. He’s being so casual, like what we had was nothing. Fine. Whatever.

  “I didn’t come for you, Cameron.” I unintentionally spit the words out. “I came for your mother, and your sister.”

  He looks at me, his expression stoic, but it’s his eyes that give him away. He’s trying as hard as I am not to feel this, not to care. He sighs, saying, “Hayls, we need - ”

  “Cameron,” I warn. “Please, don’t. I have nothing left to say to you.” I’m lying. I have so much to say, but after my encounter with Rachel in the bathroom, I decide to play it safe and keep everything I need Cameron to hear to myself.

  “You’d better get inside. You wouldn’t want to keep Rachel, or your family waiting,” I add quickly.

  With that, I spin on my heel before he can respond and break me even further. He doesn’t call after me, but I can feel his eyes on my back as I walk up the street, away from the church. I pull out my phone and text Hannah, letting her know that I’ve left and to call me later if she needs anything. By the time I get home, my hands, face and feet are numb but it doesn’t matter much. Because the one part of my body that I need to be numb, even if just for a little while, still pumps furiously behind my rib cage. I didn’t realize that it was possible for a heart to keep beating while in pieces. Until now.

  * * *

  My grandmother was right, when she told me that it gets easier with time. Every day was an opportunity to move forward, and while it still hurt, I found myself smiling more and more each day. I decided not to tell Hannah about my confrontation with Rachel at the memorial service almost two weeks ago, or about my brief interaction with Cameron before I left. I was a little more than just determined to get past it and talking it about again wouldn’t be conducive to those efforts.

  We spend Christmas at Gama’s, and to my surprise, my father joins us. He shows up with a car full of presents for Ari, and part of me softens because I get the feeling he’s trying to make up for lost time. It will take more than that to right his wrongs, but I’m grateful for his effort.

  I invite Taylor and Macy to join us, since they would be alone otherwise, and once Hannah shows up, it finally starts to feel like a family holiday. I’ve still spoken to Candice everyday, and she still skirts around talking about Cameron, but I can hear in her voice that she’s concerned. Still, I manage to stop myself from asking about him, despite the fact that he’s never far from my thoughts. I don’t know if he’s moved on, but I hope he can find enough inner peace to forgive himself for his father's death and move forward with his life, the same way I’m trying to do with mine.

  Chapter 19

  ~ January 2013 ~

  ~ Hayley ~

  The funny thing about life and time is that no matter how much hurt or loss you experience, they both continue moving forward, and you can choose to fall behind or pick yourself up. I can’t deny my feelings for Cameron, or their depth, but I feel like walking away from him all those weeks ago at his father’s memorial service was my declaration of defeat. I hated giving in, letting both him and Rachel win, but when presented with the choice between humiliation and self-preservation, the need to protect myself wins out every time. I can’t risk making selfish decisions when my past could very well resurface, and unfortunately, Ari would be dragged into the messy crossfire just because she was born. I still love Cameron, but in my mind, I’ve rationalized that it wouldn’t have worked out anyway, and that Cameron would have moved on once he got bored with me.

  I walk through the front door of my grandmother’s house and toss my bag onto the floor with a thud. I’m exhausted after a long day of classes, but find that throwing myself into schoolwork has given me a much-needed escape from missing Cameron, both physically and emotionally. I thought it would be better by now, but who am I kidding? Some people spend a lifetime trying to get over their first loves and right now, I feel like one of them.

  My grandmother is standing in front of the stove, with her sunny yellow apron around her waist, and singing along to some old country song. Ari is propped up in her high chair, watching my grandmother while she makes food, and sings along. I laugh quietly when she starts making up her own song, instead of going along to the tune playing on the radio in the kitchen. My little rebel child. She has a mind of her own, even at this tender age, and I hope she will use it to make smarter choices some day.

  “Mommy!” she squeals, wriggling in her high chair until I pick her up.

  “Hi monkey pants.” I kiss her on the forehead and bend to kiss my grandmother on the cheek.

  “How was your day, sweetheart?” my grandmother asks. She looks away from the pot of spaghetti in front of her and up at me. We both know what she’s really asking, and rather than lie to woman who has a built in bullshit detector, I tell the truth.

  “Long, but I’m okay today, Gama. I wish you wouldn’t worry about me so much though.”

  Her forehead wrinkles a little more as her brows dip into a half grown half scowl. “I will never stop worrying about you, Hayley. Never. You’ve had a rough time lately, and I will keep asking you how are until I can tell for sure you’re not lying about being okay.”

  Sighing, I lean my hip against the counter and look my grandmother in the eye. “I’m really okay today, Gama. I promise. In fact, it’s been one of the best days I’ve had in a while.”

  Her mouth curves into a sad smile. “I love you baby girl, and it hurts me to see you hurting. I wish I could it away from you, but this is one of life’s lessons that you have to experience for yourself in order to learn from it.”

  “I know, Gama. One day at a time, right?”

  Her hand cups my cheek. “That’s my girl.”

  Gama goes back to making some meatballs and I stand beside her in a comfortable silence, with Ari in my arms. She takes strands of my hair and plays with it, talking happily to no one but herself. I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect child, I tell myself. My heart beats for this little person in my arms, and she’s the reason I wake up every morning ready to try again. I didn’t know the meaning of the term selfless, until I experienced the impossible kind of love that just happened after I held her in my arms for the first time. I might’ve lost Cameron, but maybe some day I’ll find a man who is capable of the kind of love that Ari and I need.

  “Are you sure you girls will be okay on your own tonight?”

  I smile at my grandmother. “Yes, Gama, we’ll be fine. I’m just bummed we’ll miss your delicious spaghetti and meatballs.”

  “I’ll make it again sweetheart. The old folks at the retirement home have been looking forward to a decent home cooked meal for wee
ks, and I promised I’d make my spaghetti and meatballs.”

  “Are you sure you don’t have a boy toy there, Gama?” I tease, arching a brow. She swats me with a dishcloth and I laugh. It’s a strange sensation, but most welcome.

  “Don’t be silly! I’ve told you before, those men are too old and hopped up on Viagra. No thanks.”

  “Viagra!” Ari repeats. “Viagra! Viagra! Viagra!”

  My grandmother and I look at each other for a moment before being overcome with a fit of laughter. My eyes water and I feel the tension from the last few weeks leave my body. It feels good, to laugh and to smile, and I can’t help by think that everything will be ok.

  My grandmother wipes her tears, and shakes her head playfully at Ari. “So, what are you girls going to do for dinner?” she asks, wiping her hands and taking off her apron. She takes the spaghetti of the stove and strains it before checking on the meatballs. The kitchen is swarming with a delicious scent and the mention of dinner makes my belly grumble. Ari giggles and I pinch her nose.

  “Uh,” I look back at my grandmother. “I think I’ll grab us some take out from Joe’s.”

  “I shouldn’t be home late.”

  “Oh don’t come home early on our account,” I wink. “Your boy toy deserves a little more time with you.”

  My grandmother tsk’s and shakes her head again, her mouth dipping into a small smile. “Let me get this food into some dishes before I’m tempted to whack you with my dishcloth again.”

  Ari yawns, resting her head on my shoulder. “Okay, Gama. I’m going to take a nap with Ari for a while. See you later?”

  She nods and kisses both Ari and me on the cheek before I make my way up to my room. I lay Ari down, pulling her as close to me as I can and listen to her breathing change. My eyelids flutter closed and soon I’m dreaming. About nothing. About everything.

  “Are you ready to go, monkey pants?” I look at Ari, standing in the entryway with her thick pink jacket on. She looks like a marshmallow. Her brown curls bounce as she nods and she takes my hand so that we can walk to the car. I strap her into her high chair and take a drive to Joe’s diner. It’s busy for a Thursday night and I recognize quite a few people from some of my classes. I pick Ari up and walk in, not paying much attention to who fills the tables. I’m looking at a menu when Ari catches sight of something over my shoulder and starts squirming in my arms. Not thinking much of it, I place her back on her feet and go back to perusing the menu. When she takes off running and yells, “Cam!” I feel my heart stutter and stop. I turn around slowly, but just in time to see Cameron catch Ari. He’s sitting at a booth, and I see Hannah’s eyes grow wide when I spot her. Her expression is panicked, and I don’t understand why until my gaze travels over the other faces at their table.

  Please, no….no no no no no.

  The floor drops out from under my feet and the contents of my stomach bubbles up into my throat, cutting off my air. This isn’t happening, I chant. This can’t happen. I recognize the tightening of my chest and the inability to inhale a full breath as panic. Sheer panic. I stand still, as if time itself has slowed around me. All the sounds around me are distant, except one.

  “Hi, princess,” Cameron says, pulling Ari onto his lap. He smiles down at her and it’s a real, genuine smile.

  Everything seems fine, since no one else around the table has taken notice of me, but then Cameron looks up to find me and everyone follows suit.

  Kyle’s eyes find me next, growing wide with shock, followed by Kimber’s and Rachel’s. Kyle’s dirty blonde hair still hangs in his eyes, and he looks broader, more muscular then he was in high school. Kimber’s hair is still over-dyed, just like Rachel’s, and she too looks much the same as she did when we last saw each other.

  “Hayley?” Kimber’s voice screeches, all nasally and exactly how I remember it.

  “You know each other?” Cameron asks, looking between us.

  I don’t answer him. I can’t. The bad feeling I have is crippling, and has wrapped itself around my vocal cords.

  Kimber answers, “We went to high school together.”

  I look at Hannah, silently pleading her to help me get out of here unharmed, even when I know any effort to do so will be futile.

  “So this is where you’ve been hiding,” Kimber says. The tone of her voice makes every hair on the back of my neck stand up. She takes a look at Ari, and sneers. “And I see it didn’t take long for you to get knocked up. Always knew those one-night stands would catch up to you.” I should’ve known it wouldn’t take her long to start. Simply looking at me was enough provocation for her and clearly that hasn’t changed.

  I suck in a breath, cursing my stupid lungs when they just won’t work. My eyes dart to Cameron, only to find him staring at me. In fact, every pair of eyes are on me, except Kyle’s. He’s observing Ari, studying her face and the eyes she inherited from him. Shit.

  Deciding now’s the best time to leave, I move closer. “Ari, baby, let’s go.”

  “No mommy,” Ari protests, grabbing hold of Cameron’s long sleeve navy shirt. “I stay wif Cam.”

  Kimber props her arms on the table with a thud. “So, who’s the unlucky man who got to father…” she waves her hand dismissively in Ari’s direction, where she sits on Cameron’s lap. “This?”

  I clench my fists, my panic being overshadowed by a growing anger. “This,” I say, motioning to Ari. “Is my daughter, and you can say what ever you want to me, but don’t you dare say anything about her.”

  “Why so defensive, Hayls?” Kimber taunts. “I just asked who your ‘baby daddy’ is,” she pauses. “Unless you don’t know who he is.”

  “Why don’t you just shut the fuck up?” Hannah snaps. The diner goes quiet but it doesn’t stop her from continuing. “You weren’t even invited, so why don’t you just throw yourself out with the rest of the trash out back?”

  Kimber has the audacity to look affronted and throws a scowl in Hannah’s direction. “Somebody get me a leash, the dog is loose.”

  Hannah’s mouth drops open. She looks ready to fly across the table and strangle the life out of Kimber’s body. If only.

  “Hannah,” I say, reigning in my anger. “It’s not worth it.”

  I reach my arms out to Ari and this time she comes willingly. I turn around to leave when Kimber says, “I’d also be ashamed if I were you.”

  Turning to face her, I stand taller and straighten my shoulders. “Excuse me?”

  She rolls her eyes. “You heard me. I said I’d also be ashamed if I were you.”

  “Of what?” I ask. “Having a child?”

  “Among other things.”

  “Enough,” Kyle growls. “Stop, Kimber. Now.”

  It’s the first time anyone else has said anything and I wasn’t expecting it to be Kyle. But now that Kimber has opened that door, he has no choice. Kimber bristles and beside her Rachel looks uncomfortable. Noah fidgets with a napkin and when I risk a glance at Cameron, he's looking away from me. But I see the way his jaw ticks. He's angry. But with whom?

  “Hayley, I think you need to go. Take Ari home,” Cameron says.

  “No Hayley, don’t go. We were just starting to catch up,” Kimber intercedes. “You were going to tell us who little Ari belongs to.”

  That’s it. There’s no way I can walk away and let her have the last word. We’re not in high school anymore and I’m not about to allow her the chance to sneer at Ari with disgust.

  “She belongs to me, what else matters?”

  “Oh it doesn’t, but I’m just curious if her father only slept with you because he did know about your sex tape or because he didn’t know about it.”

  And there it is. The proverbial ‘skeleton in my closet.’ Hannah gasps, Noah chokes on his soda, and Cameron’s expression remains, to my surprise, eerily impassive. My throat starts closing up and my eyes start to burn. I look down at Ari and humiliation is the last thing I feel when her eyes connect with mine. No matter what, I can never regret her. It
was one night, one stupid decision, and yet, it leads me to the most precious of consequences. Her.

  Cameron’s voice breaks through the deafening silence that has suddenly fallen around me. “Is it true?”

  I meet his cold gaze and square my shoulders. “Yes,” I choke out, barely keeping my weary emotions at bay. Cameron and I aren’t together anymore, so what does it matter now? “It was my senior year of high school.”

  Hannah stands and jumps over the back of the booth. She comes to my side and in this moment I can’t be more grateful for her support. She already knows everything, so this is of no surprise to her.

  I hand Ari over to Hannah. “Please take her to the car, I’ll be there in a minute.”

  Hannah walks away and Ari waves at Cam from over Hannah’s shoulder. “Bye Cam. Wuv you.”

  Cameron waves. “Bye Princess. I love you too,” he whispers. My heart sputters and I feel the ache deep within my bones. Minutes pass and they feel like hours. My stomach is in knots and this has proven to be too much to deal with a second time. So I make a choice - now that’s out in the open, I can let it go and leave the shame, and indignity that I’ve carried for so long in the past, where it belongs.

  “How old is she?” Kyle asks abruptly.

  “Two and a half,” I reply.

  He thinks on it for a minute, and I can hear him trying to figure it out. “But that means…”

  “She was born eight weeks early, in July 2012.”

  He swallows hard, recalculating it in his head. “She’s mine,” he states with a shaky voice. “Fuck me, she’s mine.”

  I nod, “Yes.”

  Kyle starts to speak but I beat him to it. “I forgive you,” I tell Kimber. “I know why you did it.”

  “Did what?”

  “Recorded that video of me and Kyle. I know why you did it. And I forgive you.” Her face drops, realization making it’s way into her eyes.