by Ruby Cruz
I pressed on the intercom. “Driver, could you please stop the car? I’d like to get out.”
“Lizzy…”
“No, Will. You have to make a decision. I can’t stay here and keep waiting for you to make your choice, and I’m not going to let you seduce me into thinking everything is okay, because the sex and the afterglow, that’s only part of us.”
The driver stopped the car and double parked in front of an Asian convenience store and a closed laundromat.
Will grabbed my arm. “Don’t leave. If you leave…I don’t know if I can take you back.”
I attempted to swallow the lump in my throat, but it felt like I was swallowing clay. “You’re still getting it wrong.” The tears began, but I held them back, determined not to break down in this last moment. “And until you figure out why, I don’t want you back.” I choked back a sob and managed to say, “Goodbye, Will.”
I grabbed my purse and climbed out of the car. The weaker part of me wanted him to follow, to grab my hand and drag me back into the car, but he didn’t. When I closed the door behind, I refused to think about the finality of the sound. This wasn’t over. This couldn’t be over.
And yet, as I walked away from the car, I could think of no other alternative. I couldn’t continue to live as I had, especially not after my encounter with Dr. DeBourgh and her unwanted revelations. All I could do was forge ahead, to continue putting one foot in front of the other and pray that, given time, Will and I would find some type of resolution.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Missteps and Misunderstandings
The further I walked, all I could think was how things had devolved so disastrously between Darcy and me. Could six weeks apart really make that much of a difference in our relationship? Maybe we really weren’t meant to be, not when a plane ride away felt like we were worlds apart.
The car remained double parked as I strode purposefully down the street. I wanted to give the appearance I knew where I was heading, but in reality, I had no idea. My cell phone rang several times, but I ignored it. I walked down one block and hoped the entire way that Darcy would jump out of the car and rush after me.
Two blocks later, I still walked alone.
I called Luke and was relieved when he answered. I felt so lost, both physically and mentally, and he could hear it in my voice because he didn’t hesitate when offering to come and find me. “Just sit tight, Lizzy. I’ll Uber it and be right there. You’re not far.”
I sought refuge under the awning of a dry cleaners. I kept my back to the windows and scanned the street for passing traffic. The cars were all a blur of headlights and nondescript makes and models, taxis, trucks, buses - and I knew Darcy had not followed. That he was unlikely ever to come.
The ever-present throng of people rushed by, too intent on their own lives and destinations to pay attention to a lone woman hiding beneath a shop awning. Still, I couldn’t help but search for Darcy’s face among the crowd of unfamiliar faces, to see his form in every tall man striding by, probably on his way home to his wife or girlfriend or lover.
Fifteen minutes later, I jumped when I felt the touch on my arm. Luke approached me, concern on his face. “Come on. The car is waiting.” He gestured to a waiting sedan.
“I’m so sorry,” I apologized, fresh tears forming once we were settled in the car and Luke gave directions to his apartment. “You probably had plans.”
“Eh, just drinks with some work friends.”
“I just…I just didn’t know who else to call. I didn’t know where else to go.”
“Hey, hey…” he said in a soothing voice, his arm around my shoulders. “You can always count on me, you know that. Now, what happened?”
I explained about Dr. DeBourgh’s surprise visit earlier in the evening, how Darcy and I were supposed to announce our engagement…everything. I almost expected a snarky comment about how I hadn’t told him Darcy and I had gotten engaged, but he remained serious until I finished recounting the fight. Could I even call it a fight? It felt like I’d done all the talking and he’d just sat there, taking it all in, no real argument, just acceptance.
When I finally finished, Luke was quiet. We arrived at his apartment, and he paid the driver and climbed out. I followed him down the steps and noted the fresh paint on the bright blue door.
When we gained entrance into his living room, he gestured for me to have a seat, and he automatically went to the kitchen and retrieved a bottle of vodka from the freezer.
“Going for the hard stuff, I see,” I commented mirthlessly.
“I think if any occasion warrants it, this does.” He pulled two tumblers down, placed a couple of ice cubes in each, then poured a couple of fingers of vodka in the glasses and filled them the rest of the way with Coke. He handed one of the tumblers to me and sat beside me on the couch. “I’d say cheers, but I don’t think that’s quite appropriate at the time.”
I slugged down the drink, welcoming the burn down my throat and into my stomach. I immediately felt slightly nauseated and realized I hadn’t had anything to eat for hours, and even then it was just a protein bar at work. The alcohol, coupled with the meds probably still streaming through my system, made for a heady combination. I put down the drink, then got off the couch to pour myself a glass of water. “Do you have some crackers?” I asked, searching through the cupboards.
“Just some rice crackers in that cabinet on the right. They’re Colin’s, but I won’t tell if you won’t.”
I found the box and brought it and the water back to the couch with me. “Where is your roommate?”
“He’s flying back from San Francisco tomorrow.”
“So this move to the West Coast is a real thing?”
“Maybe. I’m not high enough on the food chain to know for sure, but the rumors have been circulating amongst us underlings.”
I nibbled on a corner of a cracker. It was bland, but I didn’t care.
I’d slowly eaten about half of the cracker when Luke sighed. “Okay, let’s talk about the elephant in the room.”
“What elephant?”
“The fact that Dr. DeBourgh threatened to fire me if you didn’t break up with Darcy.”
“I’m sorry I got you involved in this.”
“Hey, don’t blame yourself that Dr. Catherine’s a bitch and a half. I knew what I was getting myself into when I took this job and that this probably wouldn’t be a permanent position.”
“How could you know that?”
“It’s the nature of the business. Not every medical device or treatment is going to be fully developed and marketed, and even if I was lucky enough to be involved in several different projects over the course of my career, the clinical sites might vary. Eventually I’ll want to settle down some place and not do so much travelling.”
“But you love this job. You love living in the city.”
“I do, but it’s just a job. You’re my family, Lizzy. I’d hate myself knowing you gave up the love of your life just so I could keep some stupid job.”
“I know and I thank you. But I still gave him up.”
“For an entirely different and justifiable reason. You’re right. He wasn’t communicating with you. You can’t have a relationship if he’s not willing to talk to you about basic things like whether or not you’re going to be living on the same side of the continent. And for him not to tell you about working with Caroline…I’d be pissed also.”
“And even if he didn’t outright lie and cheat on me, I feel like he has. You should’ve seen the way he was looking at me, Luke. I’d never seen him like that before. He looked so hurt and so scared.” I wiped away a tear. “I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I don’t know how I’m going to go on knowing I’ve hurt him so badly. I feel so selfish.”
“Don’t do this to yourself. What you and Will were doing the past few weeks isn’t healthy. He was throwing you scraps and expecting you to survive on them. A relationship based on half-t
ruths and misunderstandings isn’t sustainable.”
“But I was willing to move and be with him. It just hurts so much in here.” I placed a fist in the center of my chest.
“You can’t second guess yourself. You made your decision and you need to be strong and stand up for yourself. If you ask me, he needs to man up and figure out what his true priorities are. That’s the only way this thing is going to work between you two. Sex and chemistry alone aren’t going to cut it.”
~
The water along with a couple of aspirin helped clear the dull ache within my head and chase away any residual fogginess from the meds I’d taken during the flight. A marathon of Friends episodes was playing on the TV, but I wasn’t really watching.
Luke emerged from the bedroom. He’d changed from his outfit of button down shirt and skinny jeans to pajama pants and a T-shirt with a symbol for the London Underground. He held his cell phone in one hand and, on seeing I wasn’t really paying attention to the TV, announced, “Jane just called me. Will called Charlie to see if you’d contacted her.”
“I don’t want to talk to him.”
“He just wants to know you’re safe. I’m going to text him and let him know you’re here.”
“Please don’t.”
“Lizzy, you said you didn’t want to hurt him. He needs to know you weren’t picked up off the street and sold into the international flesh trade.”
“Fine. But if he comes here, I don’t want to see him.”
He sighed heavily but didn’t respond, his fingers flying fast on the phone. “There. Done,” he announced after a moment. “What are you going to do now? As much as I’d love for you to stay here indefinitely, you need to go home eventually.”
I knew he was right, and fresh anxiety settled into my stomach. I felt nauseated again. What would happen when I got home? Would he be there waiting for me? Was this absolutely over? Nothing seemed real anymore.
When I didn’t respond, he sighed. “Look, I’m not kicking you out. But you can’t just hide here forever. Sooner or later, you and Will have to talk about what happened.”
“We did talk.”
“As far as I could tell, you talked and he just sort of sat there and didn’t really say anything. You need to hear his side of things.”
“He’s had plenty of opportunities to tell his side.”
“Yes, but would you actually have listened? I know you. You’re impetuous and rash and hard-headed.”
My eyes narrowed.
“…but, you’re also smart enough to admit when you’ve made a mistake.”
“You think I made a mistake?”
“No, and stop putting words in my mouth. I’m not denying Will was wrong in keeping secrets from you and not communicating. But at the same time, you need to let him explain his reasoning behind his decisions. If you want to have any chance of salvaging this relationship, you need to listen to what he has to say and not just jump down his throat while he’s trying to say it.”
“You know me too well.”
“And that’s why I’m your oldest, wisest friend.”
I considered what he was saying. My brain was so jumbled, I had no idea what to do next. All I knew was I couldn’t live like this much longer - always unsure, never trusting myself or Darcy. I wanted things to be fixed between us, like they’d been before his grandfather had died and we were living together happily in Meryton.
But things could never be the same. I wasn’t naïve enough to think the events of the past few weeks wouldn’t change things irrevocably between us.
Darcy had told me in the car that he wouldn’t take me back if I left. Maybe it was too late and our relationship was irredeemable. But I had to try and see if we could work out our differences. At the very least, I had to see if he was willing to talk to me and discuss things as equal partners.
“Did Will say where he was when you texted him?” I asked Luke.
“He’s still at the hotel.” The way he said the words made me suspect there was more than he was revealing, but my mind was too full to contemplate this.
“Tell me truly…do you think I should go to him? Does that make me a capricious wuss?”
“No. It just means you’re ready to fight for what you have.”
“I’m so tired.”
“You can go now or you can go in the morning.”
“No, I need to do this. I won’t be able to sleep with this hanging over us. Not unless I drink myself into oblivion.”
“Vodka is ready and waiting if that’s what you choose.”
“No vodka. I need a clear head, even if it’s tired.” I stood from the couch. “Okay. I’m going to go.”
“Do you want to walk or drive? I can probably get an Uber for you in a few minutes.”
“I can walk. I need the air and maybe it’ll get the blood pumping into my sluggish brain.” I steeled myself with a slow breath in and out. “Okay, I’m ready.”
“Hold on.” Luke walked over to me and inspected my face. “You might want to fix the makeup and the hair. I’m not judging you since I know you’ve had a rough night, but you look like you just survived the apocalypse.”
A glance at the mirror told me he was being kind in his assessment. I washed off my ruined makeup as best as I could, my now naked eyes still red and puffy from so much crying. I wasn’t the type to carry any makeup in my purse other than a tube of lip gloss, which I applied sparingly. I looked like I’d been crying, but at least I didn’t look like a drowned raccoon anymore. I fixed my ponytail and figured that was as good as I was going to look.
Steeling myself for the battle to come, I hugged Luke goodbye and headed into the city night.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
The Hard Stuff
I walked the few blocks to Darcy’s hotel with some trepidation. I’d never been comfortable walking the New York City streets by myself - too many stories going through my head of muggers and rapists accosting women. Luke offered to walk with me, but I declined. He was already in his pajamas and he’d done enough for me tonight. I needed to grow up and face this alone.
It was close to midnight, but once I hit Seventh Avenue, there was enough pedestrian traffic to make me feel relatively safe. I followed the crowd downtown and almost felt like a floating branch in the ocean, just following the tide out to sea.
Minutes later, I stared up at the hotel sign. This was where we always stayed when in the city. He’d never told me why he preferred the place over some of the other hotels, but it didn’t matter at this point. I just hoped he wouldn’t throw me out once he saw me at the door.
I approached the bank of elevators and realized that without a key card, I wouldn’t be able to access the concierge level suite he usually stayed at. In fact, I didn’t even know what his room number was.
Well, this was a shitty plan, I scolded myself as I stared at the elevator door.
As if by magic, it opened and a well-groomed couple stepped out. They were attractively dressed and obviously going out to some place fancy. Guilt ate at me as I thought how that should have been Darcy and me in twenty-four hours, fancily dressed and having just announced our engagement to his aunt. The couple brushed by me, intent only on each other and their eventual destination.
I felt wholly underdressed in my jeans and T-shirt and converse sneakers. I don’t belong here, flashed through my mind, a thought I always had whenever I was in the city with Darcy. I impatiently pushed the thought away and squared my shoulders, feigning confidence. I couldn’t exactly face him looking like a puppy with its tail tucked between its legs.
I pulled out my phone, and my face burned as I dialed Darcy’s number. He answered on the first ring. “Lizzy?”
“Hey. Is it…may I come up to the room?”
“I’ll come down and get you.”
I waited impatiently by the elevators and watched as the numbers ticked down towards the ground level. When the elevator arrived, the doors opened to r
eveal Darcy standing alone. He appeared as raw as I felt, his eyes exuding heartbreak and fatigue. Maybe this isn’t over. Maybe we do have a chance.
Wordlessly, I entered the car, and he slid his key card into the access in the panel before punching the button for the floor to his suite. The doors slid closed and there was silence, only the sound of the beeping numbers keeping us company as we climbed. When the elevator finally stopped and we were allowed out, Darcy exited first and strode down the hallway to the executive suite at the end. He unlocked the door and walked in, leaving me no choice but to follow.
The suite was as I remembered: floor to ceiling windows, immaculately kept furnishings, a spectacular view of the Manhattan nightscape. Sitting on the bar was a bottle of scotch and a half-empty tumbler next to it. He picked up the tumbler and asked, “Want some?”
I shook my head. I couldn’t tell if he was upset or angry or just plain miserable. Maybe he was all of the above.
He took a long drink, and I watched his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. He didn’t look me in the eye until he set the glass back down on the bar. “I spoke with my aunt this evening.”
“And?”
“She didn’t deny speaking with you earlier. In fact, she tried to convince me that perhaps moving to the West Coast might be the best thing for both me and the company.”
“And what did you say to her?”
“Nothing because I don’t know what the best thing for me is, Lizzy. You left me and, I’m ashamed to say, this isn’t the first time you’ve done so. Am I so horrible a person that every time we have a problem between us, your first instinct is to leave?”
“You’re not a horrible person. I never said that.”
“But that’s how you made me feel. You made me feel inadequate and impotent and that nothing I could do for you would be right. I’ll admit, I’m not the best at words. I’m a man of action, and what I can say is that tonight you’ve given me every indication that you don’t think I’m good enough.”
“You’re wrong. I don’t feel that way.”
“Then why? Why did you get out of the car in the middle of the street to escape me? I’ve spent the past several hours trying to figure that out, but I can’t come to any conclusion other than you don’t really want to be with me.”
