by Ruby Cruz
“You’re wrong. I do want to be with you.”
“Then why do you keep running away whenever things get hard between us?”
“I don’t know. It’s my automatic response to everything. I admit, I speak before I think half the time, and the other half I need time to process what’s happened.”
“And did you think about what happened? About what you said to me?”
“Yeah. And I still maintain I have a right to how I feel about things. About you. I never felt you were inadequate. But why does it take me running away to get you to talk to me?”
“I talk. We’ve talked nearly every day.”
“About nothing important. You’re considering permanently moving thousands of miles away to work with a company and a person who’s made no secret that she’d like to make you her permanent love slave. Not once did you think to talk to me about it, or the fact that you would quit your job to join your aunt’s company. These are major life decisions that you didn’t for once bring me into consideration.”
“These decisions were confidential.”
“Bullshit. That’s a copout if I ever heard one. I’m not going around with a bullhorn shouting out your company secrets. At the very least you could have told me about Caroline, that you’d seen her. I know nothing happened between you and her, but by you hiding it, it’s almost as bad as if you had cheated on me. If we’re going to make this relationship work, you need to trust me.”
His jaw clenched. “And how can I trust you when you’ve been keeping secrets from me as well?”
“What are you talking about?”
“You’ve been meeting with Chase Hammond in Meryton.”
“So what? Are you keeping tabs on me now? Do you really trust me that little?”
“I find it interesting that you’re expounding on the virtues of trust when you’ve been having secret meetings with another man. You’ve spoken with and met with him several times since meeting him at my grandfather’s funeral.” He let out a disgusted noise. “I never thought you, of all people, would try to seduce someone at my own grandfather’s funeral.”
“Do you really think so little of me?” Hot tears formed, but I swallowed them back. I refused to cry, not now when I needed to be strong. “I met with him in Meryton because I was commissioning a painting for you as a present.”
His impassive façade cracked, and I saw the raw pain underneath.
“Chase respects you,” I continued relentlessly. “I don’t know who told you there was something illicit going on between us, but you should let them know to get their facts straight before disparaging my character and his.”
“Lizzy, I’m sorry. I never thought…”
“It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s actually flattering, really, thinking someone as attractive and charismatic as Chase Hammond would actually be interested in someone like me.”
“What do you mean? You’re beautiful.”
“Sometimes when I’m with you, I feel it, but I know I’m never going to be conventionally pretty like Jane or Ana or even Caroline Bingley. In some ways, I’ll always be that plain-faced and bony, insignificant nurse you saw in the bar a couple years ago. That insecure girl will always be inside me every time I see you talking to Caroline or Nina or any other beautiful woman of your acquaintance. And I don’t want to be that girl. I don’t want to be the woman in the sidelines praying for a scrap of your attention while you work with all those successful and beautiful executives and doctors.”
“Then what do you want?”
“I don’t know. The only thing I know is I love you. But we can’t continue like this, like strangers in passing. So tell me. What do you want?”
“I want you. It’s always been you. I don’t think you realize how crazy I’ve been these past few weeks. How could you know? You don’t see me. I go to work and half the time I don’t even know what I’m doing. I’m not used to that. If there’s nothing else in my life, I’ve always been confident in my abilities, but this is a whole different world from what I’ve experienced before.
“Frankly, I’m overwhelmed and the only thing getting me through the day is knowing I’ll talk to you at night, even if it’s just about the mundane. Lizzy, what you don’t realize is the reason I don’t talk about what you call ‘the important stuff’ is I don’t want to talk about it. I suppose that’s my form of escape. You’re right. Saying the reason I couldn’t talk to you about taking this job or moving to California was because of confidentiality was a copout. The real reason was because I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving you behind and didn’t think it was fair to ask you to come with me.”
My heart broke again at the raw pain evident on his face. “Will, I proposed to you. Tonight, I was going to tell you that whether we were in San Francisco or the moon, I would’ve followed you. I was ready to quit my job and change schools just to be with you. But you never even gave me the benefit of the doubt. It’s that pesky trust thing again.”
“Why do you keep talking in the past tense?”
“Because I’m not sure this is what I want. I want to be with you but this…” I gestured between us. “This isn’t what I signed up for. I want you to be sure of me before we make this type of commitment. And I don’t think you are.”
“I’m sure of you. I love you.” Despite his words, he stood stiffly in front of me.
I longed to touch him, to forge some type of connection, but the chasm between us seemed too immense, and I instead shook my head. “Sometimes love isn’t enough. We’ve been coasting for so long we didn’t even realize how wrong things have become. Maybe it’s good this all happened before things got too far.”
“Don’t say that. You’re talking like you want to end our relationship.”
“I don’t. I want things to be back to the way they were before, but we both know that’s impossible.”
“What do you want me to say? Tell me and I’ll say it.” He stepped towards me but his hands remained at his sides. That movement in itself spoke volumes.
“Too much and not enough.”
“What does that mean?” He bit out the words, the frustration in his tone more than evident.
“It means I can’t tell you what to say. You need to figure it out on your own. In the meantime, I think you should go to San Francisco and do what your aunt wants you to do. After all, she’s the reason why this is all happening. Might as well make it all worth it.”
“I don’t know what to say to that.”
“Good, because there’s no good response. Figure out if you’re moving or not, and when you do, give me a call.” I adjusted the purse strap on my shoulder and turned towards the door, but Will blocked my way.
“Wait. This can’t be it.”
“You made all your other decisions without me. Why should this one be any different?”
“You’re not being fair.”
“Probably not, but I’m being honest. I think it’s time you were as well.”
“Stop talking in riddles.”
“Will, you’re a smart man. You should be able to figure this all out eventually.” I rubbed my eyes tiredly. “I’m going to go home now. If you want me to move out, I will.”
“I don’t want you to go. Why do you keep leaving?”
“Because I can’t stay here with you and not touch you. And I think we need some time to figure out what we really want out of this relationship other than the physical part.”
He began to look panicked. “No. You can’t go. I won’t let you leave.” He grabbed my face between his hands and kissed me fiercely.
My body wanted to relent, but I gently held his wrists and pushed them away. “See what I mean? We can’t solve everything this way, as satisfying as it can be in the short run.”
“We can make this work. I know we can.”
“I hope you’re right. Because I’m sort of counting on it. That’s why I have to go, so you can prove you’re right.” I raised a hand to hi
s cheek. “I hope to hear from you soon.”
~
When I reached the elevator, I thought I’d succeeded in escaping. As I waited for the car to arrive, the numbness began to creep within me. It was a defense mechanism against the pain in my chest, I supposed, but it didn’t mask the horrible dread and inexplicable relief that also pervaded me. At least I said what I’d come to say, I thought. The outcome might not be what I imagined or wanted, but I could never say I didn’t express what had been nagging me all these weeks.
Still, I hurt, the numbness serving to help me cope but not strong enough to completely take the pain away, only dulling it so I could continue to survive and move on.
I stepped inside the elevator and the doors began to close. They almost did until a hand snaked through the opening at the last minute. The doors opened again and Darcy’s ragged countenance faced mine.
“I’m not going to chase you again,” he said to me. “You keep running away from me, and I’m not going to follow this time.”
“That’s your choice.” My steely voice belied the uncertainty in my heart.
“You can’t say you love me and still walk away. You would stay if it were true.”
“We keep having the same argument,” I stated, stepping out of the elevator when the chimes started protesting at the door being held for so long in one place. “But I don’t think you’re really listening to me.”
“All I’ve done is listen,” he bit out, showing true anger for the first time. “And all I’m hearing is that you can’t handle situations when they become difficult. Life is hard, Lizzy. People have to work and people have to live their lives without constant reassurance that their existence is validated. All I’m hearing from you is whining that I can’t be home to hold your hand all the time.”
I felt as if I’d been slapped in the face. A distant part of my mind registered that he was scared and lashing out, insulting me because that’s how he handled stress, but I couldn’t ignore the sting. “Thank you,” I said finally, the calm words in contrast to the storm within me.
“Excuse me?”
“I said, ‘Thank you.’ I thought I wouldn’t be able to walk away tonight, but you just made it easier. Despite what you believe, I do love you. With all my heart. That’ll probably never change, no matter what happens between us. Please remember that.”
My fingers trembled slightly as I turned and pushed the elevator button again. The doors opened immediately. When I stepped inside, Darcy held open the doors again, his eyes pleading. “Please, Lizzy.”
“Goodbye.”
The finality of my words seemed to register in him. His eyes widened slightly as he finally released the doors and they closed shut.
PART THREE
BODY AND SOUL
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Space and Generosity
I took the last train out of Penn Station, which brought me back to Meryton at around three in the morning. I'd arranged for a taxi pickup before leaving New York, something which made me a little nervous even though crime in Meryton was a rare event, but the taxi was dutifully waiting at the train station when I arrived, the only occupant other than the conductor in my car.
I didn't want to go home yet. I didn't want to be alone, so I had the cab drop me off at Jane's house. I knew she was working, but she'd called Charlie to let him know to expect me. Not that I really wanted to see Charlie at all, but I really didn't know where else to go.
The porch light was on and before I even knocked on the door, he opened it. He seemed tired, but he still had a smile on his face when he saw me. “Come in. Chloe's asleep, of course, but I have the couch made up for you if you want to just crash.”
“Thanks.” At his kindness, at his non-judgment, I broke down. I sat, crying on the couch for what seemed like forever, but was probably only a few minutes. He brought me tissues and a glass of water and just let me cry deep, racking sobs that stole my breath and my soul. I didn't feel as if I'd ever be whole again. I didn't feel as if I'd ever be able to move off that couch. I just wanted to crawl under a rock and die.
“Will called me,” Charlie ventured when it seemed that the sobs had subsided momentarily. “He told me what happened.”
“Of course he did.” I wouldn't have expected less of Darcy - Charlie was, after all, one of his best friends.
“He’s a mess, you know. And worried sick about you. I texted him to let him know you got here okay.”
“Thanks, I guess.”
“Look, Lizzy, I know it’s none of my business, but he does love you.”
“I know. I don’t think love was ever the issue between us. Communication, mutual understanding…I think those are the more pertinent problems right now.”
“I’ll say one thing and then I’ll shut up. I know it took a lot for you to stick up for me with Jane when she wouldn’t take me back, and I’ll always be grateful that you saw that I did love her, even though I’d so royally screwed up. So I’m going to tell you that Will has always had a hard time with relationships. He’s always had a hard time accepting people’s flaws. I know it’s not an excuse, but that’s sort of how he’s built.”
“So are you saying I should just suck it up and take him as he is, even when he has so many flaws himself?”
“No.” He ran a hand through his hair, and I could feel the frustration coming off him. “Sorry, I’m not good at this stuff. Will knows he’s not infallible. He feels terrible that you feel the way you do, that you feel you don’t matter.”
“It’s more than that. We’ve been dating for over a year and it’s just now I’ve realized how much of our relationship has been based on us just being together physically. Not just sexually but proximity.”
Charlie cleared his throat.
“Sorry, TMI.”
“No, it’s fine.”
“He just doesn’t seem to get it. I’ve tried to explain it to him, but he doesn’t seem to understand.”
“Give him time. Trust me, he’s not ready to give up on you. He’s just not sure what to do at this point.”
“Honestly, neither do I.”
“Well, you’re welcome to stay here as long as you want. I’m sure Chloe will enjoy having you around again.”
“I don’t want to impose on you any more than I have.”
“You’re family. Even though Will isn’t exactly kicking you out, the situation is probably awkward, especially with him not living there at the moment.”
I was grateful for Charlie’s generosity, but I knew I couldn’t stay very long. The townhouse wasn’t very large to begin with, and with a baby on the way, he and Jane needed the space. Even though Will hadn’t exactly asked me to move out, I couldn’t stay at his house, not when our relationship was in limbo. And there was no way I was moving back in with my mother. I didn’t even know how I would tell her how screwed up things were between Will and me.
At least Lydia and I had our apartment together - room would be tight, but we could make it work.
Charlie appeared exhausted, so I thanked him again for the hospitality and allowed him to get some sleep. When Jane returned home the next morning, Charlie had enough time to kiss her goodbye before leaving for his own shift. She seemed so pale, and the dark circles under her eyes indicated she was exhausted, but she denied it as she inquired what had happened between Darcy and me.
I gave her the truncated story, already feeling guilty at imposing on her after her twelve-hour shift. I offered to watch Chloe, but she waved me away. “I’ve already arranged for Mom to watch her for a few hours. Would you mind getting her up while I shower and change?”
She didn’t even have to ask - if she had asked me to eat grubs and walk on hot coals, I would’ve done it.
When I walked into Chloe’s bedroom, she was already stirring. “Rise and shine, sleepyhead,” I greeted. On hearing my voice, she awoke fully and threw her arms around my neck excitedly.
“Hey, munchkin.”
> “What you doing here, Aunt Lizzy?”
“I decided to see you,” I fibbed. “What outfit do you want to wear today?”
She picked out her favorite dress - a light blue confection with Disney princess characters imprinted on it. As much as she loved playing in the dirt and the monkey bars, she loved doing them while wearing the prettiest, fanciest dresses she owned. I argued her down to wearing a princess T-shirt and a matching skort with a sparkly headband that could almost pass as a tiara.
By the time I had her dressed and her blond curls combed and tamed, Jane had finished showering. It seemed to have brightened her complexion, and she looked significantly less sallow than before. “How’s the nausea?” I asked her.
“It’s fine,” she answered, but didn’t elaborate.
“Just let me know if you need me to watch Chloe anytime.”
“You have enough going on in your life. Charlie and I have it covered.”
“He was really great last night. Talking with me, I mean. He didn’t take sides.”
“He’s loyal, but he’s also smart enough to realize badmouthing his wife’s sister would only lead to bad things. Plus, he admires you and wants Will to be just as happy as we are. After all, Will is the one who admitted he was wrong and convinced Charlie to take a second chance.”
“Please don’t, Jane.”
“I’m not taking sides, I promise. I’m just reminding you of why you fell in love with Will in the first place. And I want you to be happy. Will makes you happy.”
“He did. But not so much now.”
“Give it some time. The past few weeks have been hard on both of you. It would’ve been short of miraculous if you’d come through completely unscathed.”
“We’ve definitely been scathed. I just don’t know what I’m going to do now. Moving out of Will’s house just seems so…final. But I can’t stay there when everything is all screwed up. And what about Lydia?”
