Her heart pounded when she heard the door squeak open sometime later. His heavy step and the stench of alcohol pervading the room turned her stomach. How many more had he had? She clenched her hands to her chest and prayed silently he’d forgotten his parting words. She just wanted him to hold her. That was all.
But he hadn’t forgotten. In fact, he was rougher than normal. Lizzy could only explain his behaviour by assuming he was taking the aggression he felt for her father out on her. That night, she rued the day she set eyes on Daniel O’Connor.
Chapter Thirteen
The sun, peeking its tentacles under the door, woke her before she was ready. Lizzy opened her eyes, and remembered. She reached up and felt her face, then her neck, and then her chest. She closed her eyes as tears rolled onto the pillow.
When she came to again, Daniel wasn’t there.
Lizzy dragged herself out of bed, and carefully cleaned herself. She put on fresh clothing and went looking for him.
He wasn’t far away. Seated on the river’s edge, his legs dangled down the grassy embankment. His head hanging low, his clothes dishevelled, he looked like the drunk that he was.
She contemplated walking away. Going back to her parents, and asking for help. But she could never do that. Her pride wouldn’t let her. Besides, Daniel would come after her, she just knew it. He wouldn’t let her go that easily. But would she leave if she could? Her emotions running rampant, she was torn between leaving and staying.
Lizzy looked out to the fields in the distance beyond and prayed.
Lord, I have no idea what to do. Tears rolled down her cheeks. I know it’s my fault. I made foolish decisions and didn’t trust you. I know that now. I really do.
She turned and looked at Daniel. Oh God, what do I do? What do I feel for him? We were so happy. But now, I don’t know. I don’t know if I can get past this. She hugged her unborn baby, and closed her eyes. I can’t go on like this, Lord. Please help me. Please.
She walked slowly to the edge of the river and sat beside him, saying nothing. She stared at the water, so clean and clear as it flowed across the pebbles and the sand below. Just what Daniel needs. Living water flowing through the innermost part of his being, washing him clean, making him new. But he has to want it.
She finally looked at him. “We can’t go on like this, Daniel.”
Moments passed. Her heart was heavy. He looked up and briefly caught her eye before turning his head away.
“You need help. You’re going to destroy us otherwise.” She wiped the tears from her eyes.
More moments passed.
“You’re right, Lizzy. I’m a failure.”
“No you’re not, Daniel.” She looked at him intently. “You’re not a failure. You just need God in your life. He can help you. But you have to want Him deep down.”
He shook his head and gave a half-hearted shrug.
“I don’t know, Lizzy. I’m beyond help.”
“No! No-one’s beyond help, Daniel. Don’t think like that!”
He turned and looked at her, his eyes dull and lifeless. “I know you don’t think I mean it, but I’m sorry, Lizzy. I really am. I don’t know what got into me.”
She looked at him, and for the first time in their relationship she felt pity instead of love.
“Okay, Daniel. Just this time. But believe me when I say that if you ever treat me like that again, I will leave.”
She held his gaze until he averted his eyes and looked away.
The short drive to Sal’s house in Exeter was quiet. Lizzy had little to say. Although she drove, her mind was elsewhere, and the familiar countryside passed by without her really seeing it. She occasionally winced when she moved in her seat and her body reminded her of Daniel’s treatment the night before. The thought crossed her mind that she could report him. But would anyone believe her? Her word against his. And then, where would that leave her? Daniel would probably never forgive her, and it would only be worse. No, she wouldn’t do that.
She’d have to tell Sal. She wouldn’t be able to pretend that everything was okay with her. Sal would know. But how would Daniel feel about that? He never talked about his problems with anyone. She sighed in despair. God, please help us.
The flashing lights ahead brought her focus back to the present. A broken down car, that was all. She looked at Daniel. She’d need to wake him up. They were almost there. She paid more attention to her whereabouts. It was all so familiar. Was it wise to have come back here so soon? The place where her heart had been broken? Where so many memories were waiting to be relived. She’d have to be careful. If Daniel knew the extent of her heartbreak, who knew what he’d accuse her of? Especially since Mathew lived nearby. Had she suggested they come here because of him? Just to be near him? No. Definitely not. This was her home, where she belonged. She wanted to come because of Sal. No other reason.
Daniel stirred beside her as she slowed down for a red light. She turned her head and looked at him. Sleep had done him good. At least he now looked human. His day old growth was dark and stubbly, and he needed a hair cut. Once again she wondered what lay ahead of them. Would they ever be happy again? Would Daniel ever find God and true peace and forgiveness? And would her threat of leaving be enough to prevent him treating her like that again?
“Sal!” Lizzy squealed like a school girl as she fell into Sal’s arms.
“Well, look at you with your little baby bump!” Sal exclaimed when they finally pulled apart.
Lizzy glanced down and rubbed her tummy before grinning at Sal. “I didn’t think it was that obvious.”
“It’s not really, but you’re so skinny, it does stick out a bit.”
Lizzy’s grin gave way to a broad smile. “It’s so good to see you, Sal. Have I missed you or what!”
“I’ve missed you, too, Liz,” Sal said as she peered around Lizzy and looked in the car. “Is Daniel alright?”
Lizzy’s heart raced. No, he’s not alright, and neither am I. We’re a mess. But now wasn’t the time to say anything. There’d be time for that later. Hopefully.
Lizzy glanced at him and was relieved to see him combing his hair. At least he was making an effort. “Yes, he’s fine. He just fell asleep on the way here.”
“You must have had a late night at your parent’s place, then. Did it go okay?”
Lizzy sighed and lowered her eyes. “Not really. I’ll tell you later.”
Sal peered at her with a puzzled look. If only Lizzy could tell her everything right now. Get it off her chest. Get some perspective. But it was too fresh. Too raw. And besides, she couldn’t tell her in front of Daniel.
Moments later, he joined them.
“Sal! Good to see you,” he said as he hugged her.
“Good to see you too, Daniel. What’s this then?” Sal asked as she stroked his day old beard.
He reached up and felt his face. “Forgot to shave this morning. I might keep it while we’re on holiday. What do you think?”
Lizzy and Sal looked at each other and shook their heads and burst out laughing.
“Well I guess that sorts it then,” he replied.
“Enough!” Sal said. “Let’s grab your gear and head inside. Got the gang coming over tonight for a get together. Hope that’s okay with you.”
Lizzy’s smile wavered and her heart fell. Did that mean Mathew would be there? One part of her longed to see him. The other part knew it would be asking for trouble. Big trouble.
“You look like you both need a rest,” Sal said once they were inside her small semi-detached she shared with another teacher.
“I’m okay for now,” Lizzy said, “but I might need a short nap before everyone comes tonight.” Dare I ask who’s coming?
“Let me make coffee, then. I guess you’ve had lunch?”
Lizzy nodded and winced as she took off her jacket. “Coffee would be great.” She took a seat in the kitchen, and was relieved to see Daniel sit on the couch and flick on the television. Maybe he’ll fall asleep again, and
then I can talk to Sal.
“It’s a pity you’re not staying longer than a couple of nights, Lizzy. But I might be able to get down to the cottage for a day or so. Two nights just doesn’t seem enough.”
“I know. I wish we were staying longer, but Daniel wanted us to spend as much time as we could at the beach.” In light of what had happened, Lizzy now wondered how wise that was. She picked up her mug of freshly brewed coffee and wrapped her hands around it. She inhaled deeply, allowing the sweet aroma to tickle her senses. She brought the mug to her lips, and savoured the warm creamy liquid as it slid down her throat. “This is wonderful, Sal. Thanks.”
“Is everything okay, Lizzy? You don’t look your normal, happy self.”
Lizzy looked into her friend’s eyes. How much could Daniel hear? She shook her head a little. Her gaze darted to him. His feet were up, and he’d finished his coffee. He seemed engrossed in the programme he was watching, and wasn’t paying any attention to them. She leaned in closer to Sal and whispered, “Let’s go outside.”
She picked up her coffee and joined Sal outside in the garden. Leaning back on the bench, she closed her eyes and soaked up the warmth of the sun.
“You’re not okay, are you?”
Lizzy slowly opened her eyes and shook her head. Sal reached over and hugged her. Tears streamed down her face as her pent up emotion finally escaped.
“What’s happened, Lizzy?”
Lizzy wiped her face and blew her nose with the tissue Sal handed her. “It’s the drink, Sal. He can’t handle it. It makes him do things he wouldn’t normally do.” Tears streamed down her face again. “Last night he and Father had an argument, and we ended up leaving.” Her body shuddered. “We stayed at a hotel, and he got drunk.” Lizzy closed her eyes and paused, inhaling deeply. “He was rough with me, Sal. I didn’t do anything to upset him. I don’t know why he did it.” She sniffed and wiped her eyes.
“You poor thing.” Sal hugged her again, and this time held her until her sobbing had eased. “He has no right to treat you like that. Especially in your condition.”
Lizzy sniffed and fought back a fresh wave of tears. “I know.” She closed her eyes for a moment. “We talked this morning. He needs help Sal, but mainly he needs God. He’s so insecure, and he says he feels like a failure, even though he puts on a good front.”
“Yes, but what he did to you, it’s not right at all. I’ve got a good mind to confront him about it.” Sal’s nostrils flared and her eyes narrowed. “He could have seriously hurt you, Lizzy.”
“I know.” Do I tell her about him doing time for assault? Lizzy’s mind raced. Maybe not. Who knows what she’d do if she knew. She breathed deeply and wrapped her arms around her stomach. Oh God, how did I get myself into this mess? Why couldn’t I have just married Mathew? It’s not fair. Tears threatened to start falling again, but she took control of herself. No, I can’t think like that. God, please forgive me. “We’ve just got to pray for him, Sal. Only God can heal him and make him whole.”
“Yes, I agree. He needs to talk to someone. Get some counselling.”
“Maybe. But I don’t know he’s ready. He doesn’t like talking to anyone about it, even me. But we can ask God to bring the right person into his life when he’s ready. Until then, I’ll just have to trust God to protect me and the baby. He’s not like it all the time. And I told him I’d leave if he treated me like that again.”
“Good on you, Liz, but shouldn’t you consider leaving now? What if he does do it again? It might be too late then.”
Lizzy shook her head and sniffed. “No, I’ll give him one more chance. I’m not ready to leave. I know it sounds stupid, but I need to stay with him. I really believe God’s going to work in his life.”
Sal squeezed her hand. “As long as you know what you’re doing.” The look in Sal’s eye made Lizzy shiver.
Did she really know what she was doing? Or was she making a big mistake?
A little later, when they were in their room together, Daniel grabbed Lizzy’s arm and glowered at her. “What have you been telling her?”
“She guessed, Daniel. I didn’t have to tell her.” Lizzy looked up into Daniel’s dark eyes and took a deep breath to calm her pounding heart. Daniel didn’t move.
“Daniel, what’s happened?”
He glared at her, but he was controlling himself. Finally he let go of her arm and slumped on the bed.
“Come here, Daniel.” Lizzy’s voice trembled. She stretched out her arms to him. “Something’s troubling you. Please, Daniel. Come.” This wasn’t the Daniel she knew. This was a different person. A hardened, unhappy person. And he wasn’t even drunk. Lord, what’s going on?
Her heart raced as she slowly walked towards him. God, please help me… When she reached him, he looked up. The hardness had gone from his face, and the Daniel she knew and loved had returned. But for how long?
Later, seated outside in Sal’s garden, Daniel took her hand.
“I don’t know what happens, Lizzy. It’s like something snaps in my head and I become a different person. I don’t mean to get like that. It just happens. I don’t ever want to lose you.”
She looked at him with a combination of pity, love and frustration all at once. “I know. But Daniel, it mainly happens when you’ve been drinking. That seems to be the trigger.” She had to tread carefully.
He stared at the garden. “You’re probably right. But I hadn’t been drinking when we were at your parent’s place.”
“No, but you let Father stir you. And then you went out drinking. So maybe it’s what causes you to drink in the first place that’s the issue.”
“Maybe I’m just a failure.”
She sighed in frustration. “How many times have I told you before you’re not a failure? You’ve just got a problem, Daniel. And you need to get help. Underneath you’re a caring, loving person. You’re funny, friendly and intelligent. You just can’t drink, because then you become a monster.”
“But I like a drink, Lizzy. How can a man not take a drink?”
“Because you can’t stop at one, Daniel, and that’s the problem.” She paused for a moment and looked at Sal’s garden while she gathered her thoughts. Should she talk to him about God? About how he could be freed from his inner demons? She couldn’t keep putting it off, but was now the right time? Lord? Her heart raced as she turned her head and looked him in the eye.
“Daniel. I don’t think drinking’s the main issue. I think you’re carrying guilt about everything that’s happened, and whenever you get in a tricky situation, you drink to deal with it.”
Daniel pulled back and opened his mouth to speak, but Lizzy continued. “Let me finish, please. I know you’ve said you blame God for taking Rachel and Ciara from you, but I truly believe that if you’ll let Him, God can help you deal with it all. He can take away the guilt, and He can help you stay off the drink. He can make you into a new person on the inside if you’ll let Him. He loves you Daniel, and so do I. But you’ve got to be open to Him, and want Him in your life. He won’t force you.”
Daniel straightened himself. “You know I’m not into all that God stuff, Lizzy. It might be alright for you, but he wouldn’t be interested in me. And even if he was, I don’t know I’d be interested in him. I’ll sort my own problems out.” He leaned closer and kissed her cheek as he squeezed her hand. “We’ll be okay, Liz. I promise I’ll try harder in future. I’m sorry.”
All Lizzy could do was smile. Daniel’s attempt to console her was comforting, but without God’s intervention she was confident there was little chance they’d be okay. All she could do now was pray for the Holy Spirit to soften his heart and for another opportunity to share with him.
She leaned her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes, allowing the late afternoon sun to warm her body.
Lizzy should have been excited to see all of her old university and church friends again, but she wasn’t. They used to be so close, but now, what did they have in common? She’d already heard
from Sal about their successful careers and marriages. As far as she knew, they were all happy. How could she maintain a facade in front of them, and pretend everything was wonderful when it wasn’t? She didn’t want to pretend, but she didn’t want their sympathy, either. Could she ask Sal to call it off? Probably not. It was too late for that.
Out of all their friends, she was the only one who’d moved away, and they bombarded her with questions all evening. Answering the same questions over and over again was tiring, especially when she had to skirt around the issue most of the time to avoid lying.
“And how’s married life?”
“Oh, it has its ups and downs.”
“I bet it does!”
How many times had she heard that?
“When’s the baby due?”
“What’s it like living in the north?”
“Do they speak English up there?”
“Where did you meet him?”
“What does he do?”
“Are you going to keep working after you’ve had the baby?”
“What do your parents think of him?”
“Why didn’t you invite us to your wedding?”
“Have you got any wedding photos?”
“Sal said you were married at a Register Office. Is that true?”
“Why?!”
“Why not!!!!”
A few of the husbands had come, but they had little in common with Daniel. He made an early exit. He said because it was mainly all girls and he felt out of it. ‘Have time alone with your friends,’ he’d said. But she knew it was really because his heart wasn’t in it either. They had much more serious business on their minds.
At least Mathew hadn’t come.
Lizzy flopped onto the couch after everyone had left, put her feet up, and closed her eyes.
“You look tired,” Sal said, as she sat beside her.
“Yes, I am a bit.” Lizzy pulled herself up and yawned. “Thanks for organising it, Sal. It was good to see everyone. Strange, though. Living up north is so different to down here. It’s like a different world. I got the impression they thought I was crazy choosing to move up there.”
The Shadows Trilogy Box Set: A Christian Romance Page 9
