Daniel’s new found vigour for life warmed Lizzy’s heart. The memories of the old Daniel had faded, and rarely, if ever, did she worry about how he’d treat her when he came home from work or whether he’d been drinking. Instead, she yearned for his company more than ever.
He’d taken the responsibility of being the head of his family very seriously, too seriously, Lizzy sometimes thought. Whenever she broached the topic of her going back to work when Dillon was a little older, Daniel stated emphatically there was no need. It was his job to look after her and Dillon. For now, she willingly complied. No use putting undue pressure on their relationship. It was like he needed to prove he could do it.
Lizzy accepted that for now, this was her life. Spring would soon arrive, allowing her to venture out more often. At least they’d gone to town to celebrate their first anniversary just a few days ago. Although Lizzy looked forward to it, leaving Dillon for the first time made Lizzy anxious. She had no qualms about Robyn’s ability. After all, being the Principal’s wife, and a grandmother of three, Robyn’s experience spoke for itself, but Dillon was so tiny, and so dependent. Lizzy knew he’d be fine for the few hours they were out, but it felt strange not to have him with her.
They enjoyed a lovely meal at the Gardens Restaurant in Ambleside, the nearest town to the College. The restaurant adjoined the Lions Head hotel, and Lizzy breathed a sigh of relief when Daniel only briefly glanced at it on their way in. Every time he passed a hotel he was tested, and so far he’d passed with flying colours.
Tonight as Daniel walked in the door, something was wrong. Normally he’d be happy and his eyes would light up as he reached out for Dillon, but tonight, trouble sat on his face, and Lizzy’s heart fell.
She pulled Dillon tighter and followed Daniel to the bedroom. He hadn’t even kissed her. Standing in the doorway, she watched with dismay as he pulled off his work clothes and put on a pair of jeans and his favourite rugby jumper without even showering.
She sat beside him on the bed as he pulled on his boots. “Daniel, what’s the matter? Talk to me.”
“I need to go out, Lizzy. Please don’t try to stop me.”
Lizzy fought her alarm. It wouldn’t pay to over react. This was the exact situation they’d planned for, but hoped would never happen. Before they left Hull, Nessa and Liam explained what could happen as Daniel weaned himself off alcohol, and helped them formulate an action plan. Lizzy found it challenging to step back and allow Daniel to take responsibility for his decisions, and to trust he’d make good ones, especially after all they’d been through. It would’ve been so much easier for her to take control, but Nessa advised against that.
“You have to give him room, Lizzy. But don’t make it easy for him to drink. If he asks you to drive him to town for that purpose, you have to refuse, unless you feel physically threatened. That’s a whole different ball game. He’s made the commitment to stay sober, but if he does drink, it’s not the end of the world. You just go back to square one and start again. Hopefully he’ll be strong, and that won’t happen.”
But it was happening. Why else would he go out on his own? Lizzy breathed in slowly. Her heart pounded in her chest. She held onto Dillon, cradling him into her shoulder. She had to stay strong for his sake.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Lizzy placed her hand gently on Daniel’s leg. If only he'd share the reason for this sudden change in behaviour.
Daniel finished tying his laces then stood, pulling Lizzy into his arms.
“I’m sorry Liz. I need to be on my own for a while. It’s not you. It’s me. I need some space.”
It took all her strength not to cry as she gazed into his troubled eyes. If only she had the right words to stop him. Her hands trembled and a sick feeling grew in the pit of her stomach. Somehow she had to retain control of herself. Nessa had said not to plead with Daniel, or to over react. Easier said than done.
“Okay. I won’t stop you, Daniel, but please don’t do anything you’ll regret. Just remember, God’s with you, and you can draw on His strength to help you get through whatever it is that’s troubling you.”
“I know that Lizzy. And I’ll try.” Daniel’s normally confident voice strained with emotion. He pulled back from her and sighed dejectedly. “I guess you won’t drive me to town?”
Lizzy’s shoulders slumped. It was tempting. Maybe he’d change his mind on the way, and he’d come back home with her. But she had to carry out the plan. That’s what they’d agreed.
“No, Daniel, I won’t drive you. I’m sorry.”
“Okay then. I’ll walk.”
Lizzy bit her lip and blinked back her tears. God, please give me strength.
How easy it’d be to give in. She could agree to pick him up at a set time. But that wasn’t what they’d agreed. She wasn’t to do anything that made it easier for him to drink. Besides, walking might give him time to sort out the problem. Whatever it was. But why couldn’t he share it with her? Memories of Daniel’s deception when he lost his job flashed through her mind. He’d promised never to hide anything from her again. And he’d been such a different person since giving his heart to the Lord. The old Daniel had reappeared, and she didn’t like it.
“I’ll pray for you.” She reached out her hand and gently touched his cheek, her eyes searching deep within his. His eyes flickered. Was he weakening? But then he spun on his heels and headed out the door.
Every bone in her body wanted to follow him, but she remained strong, and instead of racing after him, she cradled Dillon and pleaded to God to keep Daniel safe.
Lizzy’s hands shook as she tended to Dillon. Once he’d settled, she picked up the phone and called Paul. As head of the College, Paul provided the counselling to Daniel that was a condition of his rehabilitation program agreed to by the court. Calling him was part of their plan.
“Paul, it’s Lizzy here.” She gulped as she tightened her grip on the receiver. “I hope you don’t mind me calling, but something’s happened, and Daniel’s walking to town.” She bit her lip and forced herself to stay calm.
“I had a feeling that might happen. He got a phone call at lunch time and was in a dark mood all afternoon. Didn’t want to talk about it.”
Lizzy’s mind raced. A phone call?
“Did he say who it was from?”
“No, he didn’t say a thing. Didn’t even finish his lunch.”
“That’s strange. I have no idea who would have called him. I’m trying to think.”
“I tried to talk to him several times during the afternoon, but he just retreated into himself. It’s the first time I’ve seen him like that. I was surprised, because he’s normally been quite open.”
“So, what do we do, Paul? I’m really concerned about him.” Lizzy held the receiver tightly with both hands. She had to stay calm, but it was so hard.
Paul sighed heavily on the other end of the phone. “Well, first we pray. There’s obviously a battle going on inside him. We knew he’d be tested at some stage. We’ll leave him alone for a while, and trust he’ll work it out for himself. I’ll go to town and look for him in a couple of hours. By that stage he might be prepared to talk.”
“Thank you, Paul. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Lizzy bit her lip, forcing herself to hold it together.
“It’s all I can do, Lizzy. We’re in this together. Daniel has a good heart, and he loves God. He’s just got to learn to trust Him, as we all do. Let me know if he comes home, otherwise I’ll leave about eight o’clock. In the meantime, Robyn and I will pray for him, and I encourage you to pray too.”
“I will. Believe me, I will.”
Chapter Two
Daniel, blind to the deepening darkness around him, trudged along the road toward Ambleside. His head hurt, and a weight, heavy as lead, sat in his heart. He should reach out to God. He knew it deep down, but his body craved the release that alcohol would bring. Just one drink, that’s all I need to clear my head. And then I’ll think about Da.
Reachi
ng the outskirts of town half an hour after leaving the cottage, and knowing Lizzy would have called Paul, Daniel sought the least likely place Paul would look. Despite not visiting any of the drinking establishments in town until now, Daniel had kept his ears open. The small tavern on Stockghylle Lane would suit his purposes.
He pulled the hood of his jacket over his head, not only to keep the cold from biting his face, but to avoid being recognised. The tavern could only be reached through the town centre. The few people out scurried about their business, not paying him any attention. He glanced inside the Gardens Restaurant as he passed by, the memory of his dinner with Lizzy flashing through his mind. She’ll be so angry if I come home drunk. I won’t. Just one drink. That’s all I need.
The lights from town slowly faded until he was back in almost complete darkness, with just the occasional lamp glowing from an outside porch providing some indication of where the lane headed. In the distance, the lights from the tavern beckoned. Drawing nearer, Daniel glanced back. No-one was following.
A cold chill ran through his body as he reached the door. The familiar alehouse aroma pulled at him, drawing him in. In the darkened room, Daniel paused to steady his nerves and get a feel for the place. A haze of smoke permeated the stale air, stinging his eyes. Only one room. Several men perched at the bar, and another couple huddled in a corner, deep in conversation.
The stool scraped against the floor as Daniel pulled it out and took a seat. The barmaid approached. His heart thumped. Could he really go through with this? Am I strong enough to stop at one drink? He reached for the packet of cigarettes hidden in his jacket pocket and lit up. Should have thrown them away.
Instant relief. His heart steadied. Slow, deep breaths. Maybe he could sit on a squash. Let the cigarette do the job. Better than risking getting drunk. But just one pint…
“What’ll it be, love?” The barmaid stood, hands on hips, her silky voice and voluptuous curves providing a momentary distraction.
Daniel gulped. Was one drink worth jeopardising everything he’d worked for over the past few months? His relationship with God, his relationship with Lizzy, his job? What am I thinking?
His hands shook as he drew deeply on his cigarette before grinding it out in the ashtray. Looking up, he held the barmaid’s gaze.
“Nothing. Changed my mind.”
The bar maid raised her eyebrows. “You sure about that, love?”
Daniel straightened and held her gaze before jumping off the stool. “Yes, I am. Sorry.”
Shaking off the eyes staring at him, Daniel opened the door and slipped back into the quietness of the night. He walked a short distance and then stopped, slumping against a light pole. He slid down the pole until he landed on the ground. Relief and anger flooded his body.
What was I thinking? I know better than that. I don’t need alcohol.
But something had gripped him deep inside and dragged him towards the abyss. But thanks be to God, he hadn’t jumped.
The phone call triggered it. The phone call….
A thousand thoughts swirled in his head. How long since he’d seen Da? He hardly remembered the man who’d deserted Mam and left her to rear him and his seven siblings on her own. He’d assumed Da was dead, but now, to discover he was still alive, and wanting to see him, was too much. Daniel had done his best to put his past behind him and focus on his future with Lizzy and Dillon. But now, here it was, throwing itself in his face.
His eyes drifted closed. Thoughts of God, Lizzy, Da and Mam tumbled together, over and over. Cold seeped into his body, its invisible fingers penetrating into his very depths. He curled into the foetal position, and remained there, oblivious of the danger he was in, until he awoke to someone shaking him.
Daniel sat with a start. Paul? No, it couldn’t be. Not Paul… Daniel’s heart fell. How would he explain this to him?
“Hey Danny. Here, put this around you.” Paul wrapped a thick woollen blanket around Daniel’s shoulders, and remained crouched beside him.
Daniel shivered and pulled the blanket tighter. How long had he been lying there? He glanced up the road towards the tavern. The lights were still on, so not long. He shivered again. He could have frozen to death. How had he been so stupid? But he hadn’t given in. A surge of warmth trickled through his body. He fought back his tears and lifted his head.
“Thanks Paul. I’m sorry.”
“It’s not a problem, Danny, I’m glad I found you.” Paul squeezed his shoulder. “Come on, let’s get you out of this cold. Have you eaten?”
Daniel shook his head.
“You haven’t had a drink either, have you?”
“No, I haven’t.” Tears welled in his eyes. But I came so close.
Paul hugged him. “Well done, Danny. Well done.”
Daniel nodded. Must have been God. Couldn’t have done it myself.
Paul helped him stand and led him to the car.
“Let’s get something to eat, Danny.”
Paul drove back into town and parked outside Pamela’s Pantry. From the outside it appeared no-one was there, but inside, the cafe hummed with background music and hushed conversations.
Daniel inhaled the aroma of freshly cooked pizza. His stomach growled. How long since he’d eaten? Lunch… the phone call had come while he was eating lunch…
“Pizza?” Paul asked as they sat at a table on the far wall, well away from the other late diners.
“That would be great. Thank you.”
Paul ordered the pizzas and two coffees and leaned back in his chair.
Under Paul’s scrutiny, Daniel lowered his eyes and fidgeted. He had nothing to fear from Paul, but to a degree he’d failed. He hadn’t taken a drink, but he’d reacted badly to the phone call, and treated both Paul and Lizzy miserably. Lizzy. She must be worried sick. He looked up and sucked in a breath.
“I need to call Lizzy. Is there a phone here?” Daniel’s gaze darted around the cafe.
“Don’t worry about Lizzy, she’s okay. You’ll be home soon.” Paul’s voice was so reassuring.
Daniel relaxed and settled into his chair. The waitress delivered their coffees, steaming and hot, just what he needed. Daniel sipped the sweet liquid greedily, wrapping his hands around the brightly coloured mug.
“So what happened today, Danny?” The deep timbre in Paul’s voice should have been soothing, but Daniel gulped and stared at the bright red coffee mug. His heart rate quickened. Time to confess. But could he?
Drawing in a deep breath, he slowly lifted his eyes to meet Paul’s.
“I’m not sure.” He cleared his throat and took another breath. “Everything got confused after I got that phone call. It was like something got into me and dragged me along, and I had no control over it. My head was really scrambled, and all I could think about was having a drink.”
“Who was the phone call from, Danny?”
Daniel placed his mug on the table and folded his arms, stalling for time. Talking about it would make it real. Was he ready for that? To revisit his past, to rip open old wounds that had haunted him for years. Wounds he’d successfully buried of late?
Maybe it was time to face his past. But did he have to? God???
He pushed down the swelling pain deep inside his chest. Yes, he had to.
“It was from my brother. Our Da’s come back, and he wants to see me.” Daniel narrowed his eyes and pursed his lips. “I don’t want to go. I hate the man. Maybe I shouldn’t, but I do.”
Paul tilted his head and studied Daniel.
“There’s a lot of hurt, isn’t there, Danny? I can see it in your eyes.”
Daniel squirmed in his chair as a wave of anger took hold.
“He deserted our Mam. Left her with eight kids and no money.” Daniel held Paul’s gaze. “He used to beat her. Us kids’d huddle together in the room next door while he did it to her. The little ones’d cry and want to go to her when they heard her screaming. They didn’t know what was going on.” Daniel paused, clenching his teeth. “Me and m
y brother did, though. We hated him for what he did to her. She didn’t deserve to be treated like that.” Breathing heavily, Daniel’s muscles tensed as he fought to control his anger.
“Truth was, we were glad he left, but then we had nothing. Mam did everything to make sure we always had food to eat. She worked the skin off her hands, and it killed her. That’s what we reckon. So basically, he’s responsible. Maybe not directly, but it was his fault she died.” Daniel pulled himself up and leaned forward. “So you see why I’m not that keen to see him?”
Paul drew in a deep breath. “Daniel, I had no idea. I’m sorry.” He held Daniel’s gaze before continuing. “Something like that goes deep, and I can understand your reaction, especially when it was totally unexpected. No need to make a hasty decision. Take your time to work through it. I’ll help you. Whatever it takes.”
“Don’t have much time to decide. It makes me so angry.” He clenched his fists. Control, Daniel. Control. Breathe… “He’s dying. That’s why he wants me to come. How dare he come back just so he can feel better before he dies! What right does he have?” Daniel’s chest heaved as he spat the words.
“Danny, calm down. We can work through this together. You don’t need to handle it on your own. Okay?”
As Daniel held Paul’s gaze, his breathing steadied. Paul really did care. Just like a father should. If only Da had been like Paul, everything would have been different. The tension in Daniel’s body eased. He could rely on Paul. That was a good thing. And Paul was offering to help him. Maybe I should accept.
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