The Slitheen Excursion

by Simon Guerrier

  Cosmo blinked at him and for a moment June thought the Doctor had pushed him too far. Then Cosmo grinned wickedly, showing his long, razor-sharp teeth. ‘You’re planning a very big editorial,’ he said.

  ‘Well, I can’t promise anything,’ warned the Doctor. ‘But I could pitch this as a main feature.’

  ‘Then please,’ crooned Cosmo, ‘come this way.’

  The Doctor grinned at June and followed behind the Slitheen as he led them through the throng of aliens.

  June turned back to the balcony. ‘Deukalion!’ she called.

  He came running over. ‘I don’t like how the rest of the competitors look up at me on the balcony,’ he said. ‘I haven’t touched the drinks up here, but I don’t think they’re going to buy that stuff about us all being in this together.’

  ‘We’ll get through to them,’ June told him. ‘It’s going to be OK.’

  ‘So you say,’ said Deukalion. ‘But—’ His eyes opened wide. ‘Eep!’

  A huge, broad-chested man barred their way. He looked like he worked out – a lot. Long golden hair reached down to his shoulders, his skin glistening like scales. His neck boasted long grey slashes of skin, and he glided towards them not on legs but a glistening, fishy tail. He was some kind of alien merman.

  ‘Um, excuse me,’ he said to June. ‘Are you an indigenous Terran native?’

  June furrowed her brow at him. ‘Sorry,’ she said kindly, ‘I don’t know what that means. And we kind of have to be somewhere. Catch you later, maybe.’

  She grabbed Deukalion’s hand and they pushed past the merman to catch up with the Doctor and Cosmo.

  ‘He fancied you!’ Deukalion insisted as they hurried up the gangway.

  ‘He didn’t!’ June replied, but could feel herself blushing. What would a merman see in a plain human girl like her anyway?

  ‘I might as well have been invisible,’ Deukalion went on. ‘I could have been singing the tale of my people and he would only have noticed you.’

  ‘Just drop it,’ June told him. ‘And don’t tell him.’ They had almost caught up with the Doctor.

  ‘Yeah, but he fancied you,’ whispered Deukalion.

  ‘All right, maybe he did,’ June said through gritted teeth.

  The Doctor turned round to see them coming. June gave him a wide smile.

  ‘Everything OK?’ he asked.

  ‘Oh yeah,’ she said. ‘What have we missed?’

  ‘Well,’ said the Doctor, ‘we’ve been discussing these earthquakes. Cosmo admits they’re a nuisance.’

  ‘And they’re nothing to do with our operation,’ Cosmo added quickly. ‘The whole region sits over two tectonic plates.’

  ‘Even so,’ the Doctor said. ‘It’s a tad more seismically active than it should be. Normally you can predict earthquakes and stuff. But you say this lot just comes out of nowhere.’

  ‘We are looking into it,’ said Cosmo sadly.

  ‘You mean the earthquakes aren’t the work of the masters?’ asked Deukalion in amazement.

  Cosmo glanced at the Doctor and June before replying. He obviously wasn’t used to answering to the natives. ‘We are looking into it,’ he said.

  ‘But we’ve made sacrifice in your honour to spare us from them,’ said Deukalion. ‘You’ve accepted our offerings. You attended our rituals.’

  ‘Yes, well,’ admitted Cosmo, glancing again at the Doctor and June. ‘We just wanted to be polite. And the rituals are part of the authentic experience, aren’t they?’

  ‘What?’ said Deukalion, utterly appalled.

  ‘Humans take their beliefs very seriously,’ said June, taking Deukalion’s hand. She could see it wouldn’t do to annoy the huge Slitheen.

  ‘Oh, we know that,’ Cosmo told her. ‘And it’s not like we charge our parties more for attending the festivities. It’s all part of the package. It has mutual benefit.’ He appealed to Deukalion. ‘We come to these gatherings with your feed.’

  ‘That is true,’ admitted Deukalion. ‘And we get the wine as well.’

  ‘That’s very clever of you,’ said the Doctor. ‘Making them dependent. Makes them easier to round up.’

  ‘What do you think we are?’ said Cosmo, eyes wide. ‘We didn’t do this to them. We arrived here to find mankind in a wretched state. They scavenged in the ruins of once great cities. They chased after wild cattle and fought each other for meat. They were on the edge of extinction.’

  The Doctor narrowed his eyes. ‘What happened?’

  ‘I’ve no idea,’ said Cosmo. ‘Honestly. But we’re not the only non-terrestrials to come this way. The Osirans made quite an impact on the continent just south of here.’

  ‘The pyramids were built a thousand years ago,’ said the Doctor.

  ‘Aliens built the pyramids?’ asked June.

  ‘No,’ said the Doctor. ‘Humans built the pyramids. But aliens gave them a few pointers.’ He gazed up at Cosmo. ‘So you’re saying that since then humanity has just declined?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Cosmo. His round, black eyes twinkled. ‘Maybe there’s another feature in it. You can visit some of the farms we’ve set up ourselves. They’re very picturesque.’

  ‘Maybe,’ said the Doctor. ‘So you found starving masses and you gave them all they needed.’

  ‘We use molecular repurposing,’ said Cosmo proudly, indicating the bracelet on his wrist. ‘Point this at the raw sand or rock and you can turn it into grain. They don’t grow it themselves, of course. Poor things don’t know how. So we pop round on a regular basis and make sure they don’t run out.’

  ‘But then they won’t learn!’ said June.

  Cosmo blinked in confusion. ‘They’ve no intention of learning.’

  ‘Why bother growing it when it’s just dumped on your doorstep?’ said the Doctor.

  ‘Exactly,’ said Deukalion. ‘Anyway. Farming’s dirty. You spend all day in the muck.’

  June felt her head reeling. She knew farming was crucial to history. She remembered all the dull stuff about the wool trade and enclosures she’d had to learn for her A levels. Even in her own day, the ways people farmed, how they managed to feed themselves, was always in the news. And these aliens were stopping them doing it.

  ‘But they’ve got to farm for themselves,’ she told Cosmo, her voice high with emotion. ‘They won’t be sustainable otherwise.’

  ‘Ah,’ grinned Cosmo. ‘That’s an important word. Make sure you mention it in your article, Doctor. The tourists we bring here provide the revenue to finance what we do. That’s what these wet-hearted naysayers don’t understand. They write letters and chain themselves to our time drives, saying we shouldn’t interfere in history. But the humans here don’t know any better. With the best will in the world, they’re not very bright. And if we stop doing this, if we stop bringing tourists, all the humans round the Mediterranean will starve.’

  TEN

  THEY CONTINUED THE tour in silence. Cosmo pointed out the plush quarters that catered to the needs of eighty-seven per cent of all known alien species. The Doctor admired things called puffer amps or something. But June wasn’t really listening.

  Instead she turned the issues over in her mind. Perhaps Cosmo had a point. Yes, she wanted the aliens gone and for human beings to take charge of themselves. But they couldn’t do that in one sweeping movement without thousands of people starving to death. This needed a long-term solution, involving a widespread programme of education and training. And she couldn’t get involved in anything like that herself. She had her own life to get back to.

  And if she wasn’t prepared to put the work in, to save the future of her own species, why should anyone else?

  ‘We have to do something,’ she told the Doctor.

  ‘What do we do?’ he said.

  ‘I don’t know, we tell someone,’ she said.

  ‘That’s what his article’s going to do,’ Cosmo pointed out. ‘Give them all the facts. Let them make up their own minds.’

  ‘Um,’ said Deukali
on. ‘Sorry. What is this article you keep going on about? I hear the word and I imagine a clay tablet with writing. But for more than just keeping records of our food stocks.’

  ‘It’s a sort of song,’ June told him. ‘A story you tell other people. But you write it down.’

  Deukalion nodded. ‘But why can’t you just sing it?’

  Cosmo nudged June’s elbow. ‘I wouldn’t bother,’ he said. ‘Even the simple stuff’s beyond them. You just go round in circles.’ He gestured up the passageway. ‘We’re nearly at the transporter booth that blinks us across to admin. You can see our temporal technology there.’

  ‘Brilliant,’ said the Doctor. ‘I love a bit of that.’

  Deukalion shrugged at June as they lagged behind. ‘I understand the words,’ he said. ‘But the meaning just sounds bar-bar bar-bar bar-bar.’

  ‘It’s easy, really,’ said the Doctor. ‘You’ve got a room with a map on the wall, right?’

  ‘That’s right,’ Cosmo confirmed.

  ‘Right,’ said Deukalion, brow creased as he tried to understand.

  ‘The map,’ said the Doctor, ‘is covered in little red dots. You choose the red dot you want to go to. You press it. And zzzip! you’re there.’

  ‘It’s more ping! you’re there,’ said Cosmo. ‘But all right, that’s how it works.’

  ‘You understand?’ June asked Deukalion.

  He grinned. ‘Not a bit of it.’

  ‘But I understand the language,’ said June. She looked at the Doctor. ‘Your ship is translating for me, isn’t it?’

  ‘Yeah,’ said the Doctor. ‘But Deukalion lacks the conceptual vocabulary. Imagine going back to the 1860s and finding the world’s leading physicist. Then explain to him about compact discs. You shine a light at a small, round mirror and out comes all this old music. These people haven’t even invented the wax cylinder. They’d think you were a witch.’

  ‘Aren’t you a witch?’ said Deukalion.

  ‘No!’ said June.

  ‘You talk like one,’ he said sheepishly.

  ‘She smells like one,’ gurgled a low voice from up ahead. They all turned to stare up the dark passageway.

  ‘Oh,’ said Cosmo, sniffing deeply. ‘This is a treat. My siblings have popped over from the administrative centre. Hello, Mamps and Hisk and Leeb! These are my new friends.’

  ‘Hello!’ said the Doctor cheerily.

  Three Slitheen lumbered out of the gloom. If anything, they were even taller and fatter than Cosmo, their claws and teeth more sinister. One of them, with a gold ring through its nose, waggled a claw at Cosmo.

  ‘Cosmata,’ it gurgled crossly. ‘What are you doing with these prey?’

  ‘They’re not, Mamps, they’re not,’ Cosmo said quickly, waving his claws in caution. ‘You can tell they’re from the future. Sniff their clothes and hormones.’ He turned back to the Doctor, June and Deukalion. ‘My big sister,’ he said.

  ‘How do you do,’ said the Doctor.

  Mamps inhaled carefully. ‘Mmm, you’ve been around a bit, haven’t you?’ she slurred. ‘I can taste the nymph glands of the planetoid Gris in the fibres of your suit.’

  ‘Very good,’ said the Doctor. ‘I was there a few billennia from now. Anyway. As Cosmo already knows, I’m doing this feature on your operation.’ He waved his wallet of magic paper in front of their wide, black eyes. ‘It’s for the Mutter’s Spiral Herald . . .’

  ‘Really,’ said Mamps. ‘So you’ll want access to all our systems.’

  ‘Well,’ said the Doctor, ‘just a quick nose round. What you’re doing here is just fascinating. Isn’t it fascinating, June?’

  ‘Fascinating,’ she agreed.

  ‘Hmm,’ Mamps considered, taking a step forward. Then she lashed out a claw, catching the Doctor round the neck and lifting him from his feet.

  ‘No!’ cried June.

  ‘But we’ve done this already,’ said Deukalion. ‘I don’t understand.’

  ‘He’ll only give us a bad write-up!’ whined Cosmo.

  ‘He’s not a journalist,’ sneered Mamps. ‘He doesn’t smell sour enough. And he’s using psychic paper to confuse our minds.’

  ‘It helps,’ the Doctor wheezed, his own eyes bulging from their sockets as Mamps squeezed his slender neck. ‘Me. Get my. Stories.’

  ‘You are a wriggly specimen,’ cooed Mamps, lifting him closer to inspect him. ‘And I don’t smell any fear. Defiance, yes. But you’re not scared at all.’

  She let go her grip and the Doctor smacked hard into the ground.

  June ran to where he lay. Deukalion came to join them, cowering behind June. The Doctor gazed up at the four Slitheen that closed around them, brandishing their claws.

  ‘This isn’t how you get your five stars,’ he said, hoarsely.

  ‘Oh,’ preened Mamps, ‘I like him. He fights even at the end.’

  ‘He seemed very convincing,’ said Cosmo in a small voice.

  ‘I told you,’ said Mamps. ‘The agitators have all kinds of tricks to inveigle their way into what we’re doing.’

  ‘Agitators?’ protested June. ‘We’re not agitators.’

  ‘Oh, come on,’ said Cosmo. ‘You were asking all about the welfare of the human prey.’

  ‘You hunt people?’ she said, horrified.

  ‘They’re Slitheen,’ the Doctor told her.

  ‘We have to pay for the humans’ food somehow,’ said Cosmo. ‘We take a small percentage of them each year. And those provide entertainment which draws the tourists and their revenue.’

  ‘You hunt us down,’ said Deukalion in horror. This was evidently news to him too. ‘We’re meant to be competing.’

  ‘And you are,’ said Mamps. ‘There are games and levels. We give you a sporting chance. The odds are better than for your surviving without our patronage. Really, I could run you the numbers but you wouldn’t understand them.’

  ‘It’s barbaric,’ spat June.

  ‘It’s your heritage,’ said Mamps.

  June felt suddenly cold. ‘What does she mean?’ she asked the Doctor.

  ‘It’s a theme park,’ he said. ‘You saw those costumes everyone was wearing. The policewomen who didn’t have shoes. This place lets aliens see the dark past of humanity. Their battles. The gladiatorial games.’

  ‘That’s the word!’ laughed Mamps. ‘That’s the very word. I said it would come to me!’ She twisted round to address her siblings. ‘That needs to go on the posters. We’ve resurrected Earth’s famous gladiators.’

  She gazed down at the humans on the ground beneath her. Thick saliva drooled at them from her lips. ‘And I’ve had another idea,’ she said. ‘This Doctor is in the next show.’

  ELEVEN

  THE WAITING WAS the worst part. The Doctor, June and Deukalion were locked in a damp cell, the sounds of the courtyard being prepared echoing through the one high, tiny window. The preparations sounded complex and enormous. Whatever the Slitheen had planned, it looked like it would be spectacular.

  June huddled up against the wall, trying to think about anything but what she knew of gladiatorial contests staged by the ancient Romans. They had staged enactments of great battles, hunted lions and elephants, generally done anything they could think of that involved exciting deaths. Some of her classmates – mostly the boys – had revelled in the gory details. It didn’t feel quite so much fun when you were one of the competitors.

  ‘It’s going to be fine,’ said the Doctor for the umpteenth time. ‘We’re going to get out of this.’

  ‘So what’s the plan?’ said June.

  Before the Doctor could answer, Deukalion shook his head. ‘We all stick together,’ he said sarcastically. ‘Yeah, that’s going to work. You’d think they’d at least let the condemned have a last amphora of wine.’

  He punched the wall, then, pretending it hadn’t hurt, placed his sore hand under his armpit.

  June sat quietly, thinking of all she’d left behind, back in her own time. Where would her mum even start when June fail
ed to come home? Would there be missing-person posters and an appeal on the telly? What would Bruno and Melissa make of it, her treacherous ex-boyfriend and ex-best mate? She felt a guilty thrill at what it would do to them. And then felt even more guilty for thinking it. None of that seemed to matter any more.

  The man in the suit of armour came to release them from the cell. He had with him a squad of guards in various not-quite-right historical costumes, brandishing swords and spears to ensure June and the others didn’t try anything.

  ‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘It’s time.’

  They were led from their cell and, as they got nearer to the great courtyard, they could hear the assembled crowd. The gurgling voice of one of the Slitheen boomed over the loudspeaker system, whipping the audience of assembled aliens up into a frenzy.

  ‘You’ve only two minutes left to place your bets,’ it said. ‘We’re now nine to one against on them surviving ninety seconds. But these are wily human beings. Surely some of you fought in the Platonic War or have done the tour of New Mars. You know what these people are like! My colleagues are ready to accept all currencies . . .’

  Up ahead, June saw the bright opening leading out on to the courtyard. They had dusted the courtyard with bright yellow sand. It made it look more like an athletics arena. The ghoulish thought struck her that it would also help soak up any blood. Her heart hammered in her chest and she struggled just to breathe. Deukalion looked no better, but the Doctor didn’t seem worried at all. That confidence, that mad bravado, helped settle her nerves. Yes, they were in this together. And, whatever the odds, she trusted him.

  ‘Sword or spear?’ asked the man in the suit of armour.

  ‘Oh, I’m fine as I am,’ said the Doctor.

  ‘What?’ asked Deukalion. ‘Are you mad?’

  ‘Maybe,’ said the Doctor. ‘I just don’t like weapons.’

  The man in the suit of armour nodded. ‘It means it will be quick,’ he said. He turned to June. ‘Sword or—’