Spinster?

by Thompson, Nikki Mathis

  "Damn it." She pushed up and waddled to the door. A wayward strand of hair fell back in her line of sight. She pulled the door with a huff, but her frown faded into a grin. Flowers of every shape and color filled her doorway. In fact, they were so large, no face could be seen behind.

  "For me?"

  The flowers lowered. One inch, then another, until the face was revealed, wearing a sheepish grin. Tess didn't say anything, only because her tongue was tied.

  "I see that you're speechless, which means, A. You're shocked to see me. B. You're overwhelmed by the beauty of my gift, or C. You think I'm a complete asshole and don't know how to say it without being able to keep said gift...am I even close?" His hair was damp and slicked back, except for the one wave in the front that never took orders. The t-shirt he wore, the color of a lemon rind, was tight across his chest. His jeans hugged the outer muscles of his legs. Did he run, or had he built his leg muscles by putting his foot on the neck of the oppressed? That's what lawyers did, right? And why did he always activate her salivary glands on sight? She was no better than the Pavlovian dog. Ding...drool. Wesley...drool.

  "I see you're still rendered speechless," he said, as he bit the inside of his lip.

  She wiped the side of her mouth, happy to discover it dry as a bone. "No...no. Choice A and B."

  "Not C?" He frowned—his forehead crinkling like the folds of an accordion.

  "Where are my manners? Please come in." She was her mother's daughter, after all. She walked in and heard the door shut a few moments later.

  "So about C?" It looked like he wasn't going to let it go. She gestured to the love seat and sat on the far corner of one side, he the other. He was still holding the enormous flower arrangement like a shield.

  Tess chuckled. "You can set those right there." He acquiesced, albeit reluctantly, setting the glass vase on the coffee table in front of them. "First, thank you for the beautiful flowers. Second, I don't think you're an asshole." She huffed, then looked up at the modern fan above them. "Look, can I be honest?"

  "Always." The tone of his voice made her heart thump.

  "I like you. And normally I wouldn't be so curious about someone's past, but I'm a bit put off by your subversive tactics regarding your ex. And she's not just an ex, she's the mother of your kids. You being all tight lipped about it makes my imagination go wild."

  "Subversive tactics? Only a writer would say that with toilet paper sticking out of her toes."

  Tess groaned and pulled the paper free, wadding it and shoving it in the cracks of the cushion. "You caught me mid-pedi." She laughed.

  "Sorry I came unannounced, I can't give you a hard time at your physical state. Although your top bun thingie you've got going is quite the statement."

  "Shut it, mister. You're lucky I'm wearing a bra."

  "No comment."

  She rolled her eyes with a smile. "As I was say-ing...thank you for the flowers, and the rest. But really, you're the one who needs to do the talking. Right?"

  "How about we watch a movie or something?" He might have been teasing, but she wasn't in the mood.

  "Wesley, why are you here? If we're going to keep seeing each other, I feel like I need to know what I'm getting into. I mean, this feels big, ya know? It's not like I'm wanting every detail, just clue me in...that is, if you want to do this." Tess bit the inside of her cheek, hoping it didn't sound as pathetic as she thought.

  Wesley sighed, leaned back, then took a deep breath.

  "I met Mila when I was starting my sophomore year. But I noticed her some time before we met, as I mentioned...I remember when I first saw her...the sun was setting, so the sky was blue and rusty at the same time, you know the time of day?" She nodded. "Her hair was dark but the way the light hit it, it was like it was it was on fire...But what really struck me was that she was barefoot—walking through the tall grass in front of the library. I mean, who does that? She seemed to be humming to herself, or talking. I couldn't tell, but her lips were moving. She didn't fit in with her surroundings— like she should have been in a forest somewhere." He stopped and looked at Tess, his grin lopsided like he'd been caught doing something he shouldn't. She didn't move and was surprised she had no emotion besides curiosity. She found herself walking behind Wesley as he gazed upon this girl. She urged him continue, with a lift of her chin and a soft smile.

  "I stood there, watching her. No one else seemed to notice. I wasn't sure how. There's a beautiful girl walking barefoot in front of the admin building...Thankfully, she didn't notice me gawking...in fact, she didn't even look my way. I was late for a test or I may have attempted to talk to her, but I think how we met was how it was supposed to happen."

  "And how was that?" Her voice sounded light and brittle, like it had been days since her vocal chords had been exercised.

  "Two weeks later, after some stalking on my part, I found out where she lived. So, I would go by every day and wait, hoping to get a glimpse of her. Figured out her schedule."

  "Stalking doesn't seem like your style," she teased.

  "No, not usually. I never chased a girl before, but then again she didn't know she was being chased."

  "And when she did?"

  "I didn't have to chase very hard." His smile was self deprecating and cocky at the same time. How he pulled that off was a mystery. "She was like no one I'd ever known, free, spontaneous. She'd knock on my door at three a.m. because she had to see a shooting star. Or show up by my car with a backpack decreeing we skip class and drive to the beach. She loved being outdoors, and didn't like to be in one spot for too long. Her love of whims was balanced by my tendency to walk the straight and narrow. Once I got to know her I thought she'd grow weary of me, I always felt I was a bit boring."

  Tess imagined Wesley taking this ethereal beauty by the light of the fire, the sand their only mattress. She found herself falling in love with the idea of them, Wes and Mila—which made no sense. "It sounds like something out of a romance novel."

  Wesley frowned. "It did feel like a movie in a way, at least for a while. I got lost in her. Her energy, her mouth, the absurdity of us...but after a while, the things that I fell in love with became...suffocating."

  "She was too dependent?" Tess could relate. A few of her early love affairs had ended in clingy embarrassment. She, unfortunately, had been the clinger rather than the cling-ee.

  "No, I was just as obsessed with her. She was beyond distracting, but not in the ways you would think. It was as if she created the oxygen, but hoarded it as well. She wanted everything from me all the time. It just became exhausting...it's hard to explain."

  "No, I get it."

  "No, not really...trust me." He sighed, as if to stop, but then pressed on. "We were inseparable for the rest of the semester, and when summer break came, I was almost relieved. I was madly in love with her, don't get me wrong, but towards the end she was all over the place. With her, she either wanted to fuck or fight...there wasn't an in-between. She cried so hard when I left to go home. I thought she was going to pass out with grief. I didn't know what to do to help her, so I kissed her, told her I loved her and we'd be okay, then drove away...I had a lot of time to think on the trip from North Carolina to Texas. The closer I got to home the easier it was to catch my breath. Do you know what I'm talking about—not realizing how stifling a person has been until they're not around?"

  She nodded, not wanting to admit she'd never been that in love before. "So, you broke up?"

  "Not exactly. I spent the summer working at my dad's firm, she at a coffee shop in her home town. We spoke on the phone. She sent me cards and letters. So many letters. Her writing was frantic, like she was having a hard time. When I was able to step back, I realized how unhealthy our relationship was." Wesley stopped and ran his hands through his hair. Going down Mila memory lane was taking a toll.

  Tess stood up. "How about a drink? The sun is on the other side of the building, so my patio will be nice and cool."

  He smiled and took her offered hand, s
queezing her fingers softly. "Thanks. That'd be nice." They walked hand in hand, which should have felt strange after the story she'd heard, but it felt as normal as breathing. Wesley walked outside while Tess grabbed the drinks. She took a bottle of white wine and a beer from the fridge. Standing at the window over the sink, she poured the light yellow liquid into her glass. Now her brain was peppered with questions. How had Wesley ended up married with children? What happened to Mila? Where was she now?

  This was turning out to be more of an angst-filled drama rather than a romance.

  "Here you go," she said, holding the beer out to Wesley, the warm air was already making the moisture bead around her fingers. "I hope light beer is okay."

  "If it's cold, I'm satisfied. Thank you." His fingers brushed hers as he took the bottle. She was lucky to get a cool breeze to coincide with her shiver.

  "You're welcome." She sat in the rattan lounger beside his. "Soooo?"

  "I knew you weren't going to let me end it there." He teased. "Where was I?"

  "You were home for the summer," Tess helped.

  "Right, so all summer I'd been pulling back. I think she must have sensed it, but I didn't officially break it off. I was waiting to do it in person when I saw her at school. That was the plan, at least. When I finally saw her again, she flew into my arms and all of a sudden I forgot I was planning to end things. She seemed different, more relaxed...less frenetic, I guess you could call it. She was still passionate about things, especially me, but the spark in the back of her eye had dimmed. I would find out later what it all meant, but at the time I thought she'd just dialed it back for me, to keep me. I was right...in a way." Tess rubbed his arm, showing her support. He smiled at the gesture, then grabbed the hand on his arm, brushing his lips across the tops of her knuckles. "Sorry, I haven't gone back there in a while. It hurts to think of that time, of her then, and now."

  "Now? Wesley, what happened?"

  "Let me fast forward. I decided to give it another chance, so Mila and I continued to date. She was different, but the same, if that makes sense?" Tess nodded, even though she wasn't sure she did. "Our relationship got serious and when we were about to graduate I asked her to marry me. She accepted and started planning. The wedding, along with our upcoming graduation, took its toll. Her behavior started to become erratic again. I just figured it was stress, so I overlooked it. We were married and she became pregnant right away. It was unexpected, but we were excited. Well, I was excited. It was during our first prenatal appointment when I found out."

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  The sun had slipped from their field of vision, but the sky still held on to the blueish light of late evening. Tess wanted to know what he was going to say next as bad as she didn't, so she stood up. "Do you want a refill?"

  Wesley let out a gentle chuckle and unclenched his fists. "Yes, please."

  Tess winked. "Good, me too. Do you want to stay out here or sit inside?"

  "It's nice out here," he said.

  "Okay. I'll be right back."

  When she opened the door to her patio, Wesley was gazing out over the grassy area in the center of her complex. An older woman in a pink jogging suit was walking two Pomeranians with matching pink collars. Tess laughed at the sight. "How much do you wanna bet she has a portrait of them above her bed?"

  He laughed, "Oh, without a doubt. I'll bet their names are Sprinkles and Muffin."

  "Let's find out." Tess walked out towards the woman. She petted the dogs and chatted her up for a few minutes. Tess turns and walks back towards Wes with a smirk on her face.

  "Well?" he asked.

  "Reginald and Captain Snickerdoodle."

  "Bullshit!" he laughed.

  "Okay, Max and Bear."

  "Totally normal dog names. I'm surprisingly disappointed."

  Tess sat down and in a soft voice said, "Wes, what was wrong with her?"

  He turned the bottle of beer in his hand, then pulled the edge of the label. "We were in the exam room, the doctor had finished his examination. She discussed care and what was to be expected, then she said they were going to adjust Mila's medication. I figured they were talking about prenatal vitamins or something. But then she started asking about highs and lows, depression, mood swings. Turns out Mila had been diagnosed bipolar when she was seventeen. She had what they call bipolar II, the less severe because the highs are hypomania instead of full on mania. And of course the lows were low. I was floored, but it made sense, right?

  That first summer we were apart, when she was writing me all of the time, calling...well, I found out later, she'd lost her job because she was in bed for weeks. All due to the fact she thought I was going to break up with her. Her mom had convinced...no, begged her, to go back to her therapist, get back on her medication. She'd stopped taking them when she got to college, said it dampened her creativity and her ability to see the beauty in the world...Finally, she agreed and got back on her medication. Spent the remainder of the summer in therapy and came back to school healthy. But that's the thing, she has to be on her meds, or it all unravels."

  "Oh, Wes, you must have felt a bit betrayed."

  "I did. Angry, betrayed...but misled was the most aggressive feeling I had. If I'd know she had mental issues would I have made the same choices? Mental illness is often genetic. I was scared for our child, but any fear I felt was dwarfed by Mila's. The terror on her face when she knew I knew. She broke down. She said shame was the reason why she kept it to herself. She seemed broken. Fragile. So, I did what I always did. I held her hand and told her I loved her no matter what. But in hindsight, I think something broke in me that day. She'd kept her condition from me, and a lie by omission is a lie all the same. I had a right to know." Wesley took a drink. "Mila refused to take her medication during pregnancy, she didn't want to harm the baby. They tried to convince her to slowly wean herself off of the meds, but she wouldn't be swayed. It was hard seeing her struggle. But in the end, a beautiful baby girl was born healthy...perfect." His face warmed at the mention of his daughter. Tess smiled right along with him, the love he radiated was contagious.

  "So, she got better?"

  "There's no getting better, in the cure sense of the word...only treatment and maintenance. She got back on her medication as soon as she could. She was stubborn about breastfeeding...we fought about it. I wanted her back on medication sooner rather than later. We compromised on six months. Mila got serious about her treatment and staying healthy. Therapy, eating right, yoga. I started law school and she stayed home with the baby. I was nervous about it, worried every day. Our parents were very generous with money and time, helping her. No one wanted her overwhelmed. She loved being with Ella, she was the center of our life. Mila seemed good. We were good. Life was good...until it wasn't."

  "You can finish another time. Or not. Really, I appreciate you telling me this much." Tess meant it. She wasn't sure she wanted to hear the end, which didn't need psychic abilities to know it didn't end well.

  "No, it's okay. I haven't ever talked about it in depth, or at all." His lopsided grin proved he felt embarrassed about admitting it. But men tended to deal with emotions by not dealing. "We made a joint decision to not have any more children after what she went through with the last pregnancy." He paused and again Tess had a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. He had two daughters, after all. "Mila didn't react well to the pill, so we used condoms, abstained during her fertile days. We were careful, so when we found out we were pregnant, it was devastating to her. I was worried, but at the same time I was hopeful. Despite my fears with Ella, Mila had done great. Plus I'd started working for my dad's firm, so we had our own money. I convinced her that everything would be all right, we'd get through it together. But she lost the fight during the second time around." Tess fought the urge to stop him, her heart in her throat. The fact that Wes was laying his pain out for her to see touched her in a way she couldn't yet define. This was a turning point, a deepening. She kept her face calm and open, despite her whirl
wind of emotions. This wasn't about her. This was about this man beside her, whom she thought had the world by a string, but in reality had bore the weight of it on his shoulders.

  "She was off her medication the first trimester, trying to maintain stability through her yoga and therapy, but halfway through her sixth month it got bad, yet she still refused to take medication." He paused, taking a long pull on his bottle of beer. "One night, it was late, and I heard Ella sobbing. I jumped out of bed and ran to find her standing in the doorway of the kitchen. She was shaking and screaming at her mom, begging her to stop. When I walked past her, I saw what had made her so upset. It was Mila, sitting on the tile, furiously scrubbing her arms. She was using on of those wire scrubbers, her hands were covered in blood, ribbons of skin hanging. She kept mumbling, but I couldn't understand what she was saying. All I knew was that she was hurting herself, feet away from our daughter, whom she'd gotten out of bed I found out later. I knew she'd been struggling, but it was the first time I feared for Ella's safety, not to mention Mila's and our baby she was carrying...I had no choice but to put her in the hospital." His head hung in defeat.

  "You did everything you could, Wes."

  He smiled, looking grateful for what she'd said. "I could have done more."

  "I wasn't there, but it sounds like you have nothing to feel guilty about." He squeezed her hand, not looking convinced. She meant every word, but knew from her own experience, that guilt often had no rationale and was one of the hardest things to let go of.

  "She spent the rest of her pregnancy under psychiatric evaluation and on low doses of antipsychotics. Kate was born early, but healthy. We thought it best Mila got back on her full doses of medication right away, no debates over breastfeeding. She was released and just like that we were a family of four. Then one day, seven months later, I found a note. She'd decided she couldn't handle being a mom anymore, figured we were better off without her, that she ruined everything she touched. She said she hoped we could forgive her one day." His face was more thoughtful than angry, having had years to come to terms with his situation.