Fantasy Online Polynya: A LitRPG Saga

by Harmon Cooper

  His mutant hack!

  Symbiose overlaps itself as the mutant hack increases in size, portions of the biomatter lifting off and slapping back onto the outer shell to increase its girth.

  A watermelon-sized barrel forms on the other end of the weapon; FeeTwix uses his other hand to hold the bottom of the barrel and takes a step back, waiting for the weapon to charge.

  Just as he gets within striking distance, Tomas is met with a blast that tears the top half of his body off.

  The blazing, concentrated beam of vibrant green energy keeps spewing out of the weapon long after Tomas has been separated from his body.

  As soon as the mutant hack stops firing, the Swede collapses backwards, his chest moving up and down as he sucks in air.

  (0)__(x)

  “Stop kicking Tamana’s face!” Ryuk is next to FeeTwix now, watching as Zaena comforts her man. Enway stands to their right, ready to heal at a moment’s notice. What’s left of Tomas’ body isn’t too far away either.

  “I’ll keep kicking her face until her avatar disappears.” Hiccup produces a healing potion, guzzles it for a minute, burps, beats his chest at the sudden heartburn, and returns to kicking Tamana.

  Ryuk looks away. It’s easier to ignore her giant dead avatar than to come to grips with the fact that just a few days ago, everything was normal. They were friends and there was the hope for something more.

  But now …

  He swallows hard. Zaena looks at him with her slitted orange eyes and they soften. “I am very glad you have those clear marbles,” she says. “Even if they do things like turn our enemy into a giant.”

  “A giant bitch!”

  “Goblin, stop harassing the dead or I will see to it that you join her!”

  “Fick you, Lizzy!”

  “We’re just lucky that it worked the second time,” says Ryuk. “It usually takes a few shots to get it right. Maybe once it levels up, I’ll be able to get it every time.”

  “That’d make you god-like,” FeeTwix says, still out of breath. “Which has its advantages.”

  Ryuk switches to the messaging system to keep things private.

  Ryuk: How many viewers?

  FeeTwix: Approaching 3.5 million. Giant warrior women sell, but I need to take a break. I still need to unpack what happened with Tomas. That was hard.

  Hiccup: Boo-hoo. Why don’t you get Liz to let you use her pocket spa for a safe space?

  FeeTwix: My work here isn’t finished!

  FeeTwix equips his mirror and gives it a grin, his teeth a bit bloody. “I’ll heal up after this, guys, don’t worry. Now that all of you are here, I want to say that I’m so very glad for you to be part of what just happened! The intrigue! A giant Tamana! Be sure to share the video with your friends and neighbors and neighbors’ neighbors! And don’t forget to tell them about McStarbucks’ latest offer. You guessed it, the Twonicorn Frappuccinos and Twonicorn Big Mac are back! Holy Howard Schultz in a boner cap with a stick up his ass!”

  FeeTwix wipes sweat from his brow.

  “Ever had a genetically modified blue burger with a pink bun with sesame seeds that changes colors and fizzles as it reacts with your saliva? Well, if you haven’t, now’s your chance! And did I mention the Frappuccino has 100% of your daily recommended intake of vitamins and minerals, plus, and this is a big plus, it comes with the limited edition McStarbucks’ Mermaid in front of the Golden Arches self-applicated barcode tattoo that gets you a 3% discount for life. For life!”

  “What in the fick is he going on about? Why do I hate him so much right now?” Hiccup asks as he walks over to the group. “Did he say self-applicated tattoo? I liked the twonicorn part, though, that’s good eating. A unicorn? Yeah, one horn, we get it. But two? Fick me, that’s dinner! Great for gnawing on.”

  “... So mention #FeeTwixRox at checkout to get a small Twonicorn McNuggets free with your purchase of the Twonicorn Frap and the Twonicorn Big Mac. Don’t forget, you’ll get the McStarbucks’ logo tattoo free with purchase, and just think, you’ll save, save, save!”

  FeeTwix drops his mirror, his eyes flash blue, and he collapses again.

  Chapter 12: Wolf Trap

  Ryuk waits for the sine waves to stop rippling. That familiar tone chimes, and after letting the static settle, he takes off his NV Visor and removes his haptic gloves.

  His eyes dart to the corner of his room. No digital spider, which is reassuring, but also troubling seeing as his hallucinations seem to come and go. Thus far, they’ve only been in his room, but if they were ever to come to him in public …

  The heater kicks on above and as he relaxes into the body of his ‘real world avatar’ – as he’s heard it called before – his thoughts circle around Tamana and seeing her turn into a giant. Somehow this image, and the mayhem that resulted, does little to quell the pain he felt watching her fight against them. She would have been a great member in the Mitherfickers, was a great member, and it’ll be a long time before he gets used to seeing her fight against them.

  And as a giant …

  He bottles the thought as an advertisement for Doutor Coffee flashes on his iNet screen. In the ad, Ryuk is told of a new Super Special Set,スーパースペシャルセット, that comes with a hot dog, a green tea latte, and a red bean biscotti all for under a thousand yen.

  He mentally swipes the ad away and it appears again, flashing this time.

  “Come to get some rest?”

  Ryuk nearly flops out of his bed, so startled is he by Hajime’s voice.

  I’ve got to remember he does that!

  “Relax.” Hajime sits seiza with his back to the door. Ryuk can barely make him out in the dark, and as he considers this, he glances back to that far corner of the room just in case.

  Lights.

  Just thinking the word causes a dim orange light to come on overhead. Nope, nothing in the corner, but Hajime has changed into a red robe that Ryuk hasn’t seen before.

  “So, how goes the ultimate quest?”

  Ryuk rolls out of bed and takes his Somnium Skip Box from his desk drawer. He attaches the DHDM interface to the crescent-shaped Proxima tower as he considers the best way to answer this.

  “I see you’re breathing.”

  “I’m thinking.”

  Hajime nods. “That works too.”

  “The ‘ultimate quest,’ as you put it, is off yet again to a rough start.”

  Giant Tamana, seeing his guildmates attack her, attacking her himself– none of it was easy.

  “Oh?”

  “Tamana and a guy named Tomas attacked us.”

  “Who is Tomas?”

  “Tomas is the reason FeeTwix logged into Tritania in the first place. He was one of FeeTwix’s earliest fans.”

  “I thought he logged in to make money.”

  Ryuk smiles. “Well, that too, and it seems like he makes a ton.” He finishes setting up the Skip Box, returns to his bed and grabs his NV Visor. “Anyway, to give you some backstory, we arrived in Polynya, the second floating continent, after meeting an Elf named Enway.”

  “Okay.”

  “She took us to her hometown because Polynya’s capital city is locked down.”

  “You mentioned that earlier. Why is the city locked down?”

  “There was an attack last night, so no outsiders are allowed in. Luckily, Enway’s hometown, known as Katiyana, is connected to the catacombs beneath Porthos.”

  “An easy way in.”

  “Not exactly, they don’t just grant access to those catacombs to anyone, so to gain access, we planned to rid the city of a wolf that had been attacking livestock.”

  “And did you?”

  “We were in the process of doing so when Tamana and Tomas attacked us. So I’m logging back in right now to go after the wolf.”

  “Do you know where it is?”

  “FeeTwix shot it with a ‘GPS bullet.’ I believe that’s what he called it.”

  “That’ll do the trick.” Hajime takes a deep breath. “Are you hun
gry?”

  “I’m fine, but I’ll be hungry in the morning.”

  “Good. I’ll make you something at that time. It’s better to see your mom and brother with a full stomach.”

  Ryuk places the NV Visor over his head. It’s still warm from wearing it just moments ago. “Thanks for understanding, Hajime.”

  (0)__(0)

  The first thing Ryuk hears after his avatar has taken form is a squeaky mouse fart from Hiccup. The goblin has his golden helm under his arm and a healing potion in his brass hand. An empty, grenade-shaped Hopkins’ Holistic Healing Nostrum is at his feet, and not far from him, FeeTwix is using a primitive AppleSoft iWatch to track the wolf’s movement.

  “You ready?” the Swede asks, his eyes two little black coals.

  “Let’s do this.”

  He glances back to Enway, who now wears a glimmering shawl, and from there to Zaena, who has an indecipherable look on her face. Ryuk wouldn’t describe it as thoroughly pissed, but there’s definitely some edge to it and he’s pretty sure it has something to do with the fact that she wasn’t granted a fair battle with Tamana.

  “Finally your ass is back,” Hiccup says. “I was just telling everyone how I was friends with that mirrored dragon, who, coincidentally, is named Mirror. Too bad she flew off. Anyfick, thanks for making us wait.”

  “I was only logged out for a moment.”

  “Yeah, yeah, well when you were gone, Liz over here made a big stink about not having an honorable battle. Ha! This from the lady that went along with FeeTwix’s automatic gun thingamajiggy at the Shit-agami’s – see what I did there? – guildhall back in Aramis. Fick. Do we really have to track the wolf now? I mean, it is practically the Hour of the fickin’ Llama. Let’s get some rest.”

  FeeTwix approaches him and laughs. “You sure are a grumpy goblin sometimes, you know that?”

  “Yeah? Well, the minute you stop shilling to your tweeny snowflake followers, I’ll stop grumbling.”

  “How many healing potions are you going to drink?” Zaena asks, narrowing her eyes at the goblin’s gut, the bottom of which sticks out of his chainmail armor.

  “You know, we got a word for fat shamers in the goblin universe,” he says, turning his back to her.

  If there is a word for ‘fat shamers,’ he doesn’t say what it is.

  “Everyone is a little pissed off after that last fight,” FeeTwix says as he throws his hands in the air, “I get it, but we can’t forget, there’s a wolf to be captured! And to answer your question, Hiccup, I’m afraid if we wait until morning, the wolf may be able to get the tracking bullet out.”

  “How the fick is he supposed to do that? You see an arm and a hand sticking out of his belly? You think he has a fickin’ grip’n’grab reach tool?”

  “Dogs are clever!”

  “Which way?” Ryuk asks, putting an end to the banter. “Let’s get this over with.”

  Without another word, FeeTwix takes off towards one of the terraces. He walks fast, excited to finally be getting back into the action. If he’s experiencing any feelings regarding battling Tomas, he’s hiding it.

  Typical, Ryuk think as he watches the Swede in action. He has a role to play.

  As they follow him, Ryuk gets in line next to Enway to confirm with her that there is an actual reason they’re going after the wolf. “Just to make sure: you’re certain that the city officials will allow us access to the catacombs if we catch the wolf?” he asks.

  “I’ve already told you. Outsiders aren’t usually allowed in, but outsiders don’t normally help us rid ourselves of our little canine problem. So you all will get in.”

  “It seems to me, and correct me if I’ve mentioned this before,” Hiccup says after he’s scrambled up one of the terraces, “that someone in this town could have taken out the wolf on their own. Are you telling me you aren’t able to light a wolf that big on fire with your wowsie wow magical powers? Give me a fickin’ break.”

  Another healing potion appears in his hand and he pops the top.

  “Where do you keep getting those?” Enway asks, a grin spreading on her face.

  She really is lighthearted, Ryuk thinks as he listens to Hiccup lay into her.

  He mostly ignores the goblin, especially after he gets in a heated discussion in Thulean with Zaena. At least it sounds heated.

  The mountain air is cool on his skin as they move from the terrace to a path cut into the rock face. From there, they scale a short slope, which proves challenging for Hiccup. Once they arrive at a winding mountain pass, they follow it until the goblin announces a discovery.

  “Hold up, Mitherfickers!” They turn just in time to see Hiccup stick a bloody finger in his mouth. He nods, licks his lips, and drops to his haunches to have another taste. “That’s not like any wolf blood I’ve ever tasted.”

  “Ewwww,” Enway starts to comment.

  “Yeah, Elfy? Well fick you too. Here I am trying to be useful and you have to go and turn up the racism.”

  “She wasn’t being racist,” Ryuk says. “Tasting dog’s blood isn’t really, um, something people do.”

  “Something people do. You hear yourself?” Hiccup asks as they continue along the dark path. “Well, no way I’m going to educate you fickers, so I might as well tell you about my other cousin, Spew George.”

  “I thought it was Spew Gorge.”

  “Listen, Marbles, I know it’s hard to pay attention to the words of a handsome goblin with an equally healthy amount of pink hair and a vocabulary that would make me perfect for public office, but if you had paid attention, you would have heard me say George, not Gorge.”

  “So you have cousins named both Spew Gorge and Spew George?” FeeTwix asks over his shoulder. He now wears a headlamp illuminating their path. Ryuk steps a little too close to the wrong side of the walkway and some pebbles fall.

  “Spew is a common goblin name, for your information.” Hiccup stops, beats his chest for a moment, swallows, and scrunches up his face. No sound this time, but anyone standing behind him, including Ryuk and Zaena, instantly suffer.

  Ryuk swallows the urge to vomit, and moves to the front of Hiccup, so he is no longer downwind. Zaena whops the goblin on the back of the head, causing him to stumble forward and shout ‘Yooooy!’ when he trips on a rock.

  “Son of a ficklord, Liz! Keep your fickin’ konoshlo to yourself. Fick! I thought it was a ghost!” Worry spreads across his face and Enway laughs.

  “Tell us more about Spew Gorge, or was it George?” FeeTwix asks, entirely focused on tracking the wolf with his watch.

  “George, rhymes with norge.”

  “Norge?” Ryuk asks. “Is that a Thulean word?”

  “No, Marbles, it’s the Norwegian word for Norway.”

  “How do you even know that?”

  “I drink healing potions and I know things, is that what you want me to say?”

  “Sweden, my home country, is next to Norway,” FeeTwix adds.

  “Are you guys enemies or something? I’ll tell you what, if anyone named Norge says anything funny to me, I’d fickin’ cut their balls and their chalupa, fry them up, and feed them to a troll.”

  “Churro,” Enway giggles.

  Hiccup tenses, takes a deep breath, and continues his story about Spew George. “Anyway, Spewy– ”

  “I thought you called Spew Gorge ‘Spewy?’” Zaena inserts.

  “For fick’s sake, people, let me finish my goddamn story. I swear to the Empress’ milk-filled fun bags of epic proportions that babysitting the four of you is going to be the death of me. Now where the fick was I? Marbles, I need you to start taking notes … ”

  “Quiet!” FeeTwix hisses. “We’re getting closer.”

  “So,” Hiccup whispers, “Spew George came across this ink shadow in Tlapa, on the far western side of Hyperborea. Tlapa is far from the Goblin Riviera, but Spewy was always a traveler and he loved adventure, unlike yours truly.”

  “Spew Gorge, right?” Zaena snickers.

  “I
gnore her,” Hiccup tells Enway and Ryuk, both of whom are definitely not listening. “Spewy had this bright idea of challenging the ink shadow to a game of punch chest. Now sure, an orc, even a big orc– I’d challenge that ficker to a game of punch chest. But an ink shadow? Fick that. Speaking of which, you know who I’d really like to play punch chest with? Ryuk’s little fickboy doppelgänger.”

  “Quiet!” FeeTwix says again.

  “Anyway, like a real ficktard, Spewy swung at the ink shadow and passed right through the no good fick-faced jizz farming son of a boar turd. So then it was the ink shadow’s turn. He swung at Spewy and knocked the living goblin out of him. So now he’s dead. George, not Gorge. Funny, that. Spew George was killed by an ink shadow. The ficker not only made a necklace out of his nails, he also made a pair of cowboy boots out of his skin. I’m telling you, they’re sickos, real sickos.”

  “Why didn’t you mention this before?” Ryuk asks, suspicious of the story.

  Hiccup rolls his eyes. “You never asked me.”

  “Let me see,” FeeTwix whispers, still tracking the wolf. “You’ve mentioned that an ink shadow took someone’s chalupa, I think that was Spew Gorge, and you mentioned that he cursed another relative and I believe a dyck byter snake got to him.”

  “Yeah.” After scratching his ass, Hiccup starts counting. “One, two … you’ve mentioned two stories I’ve told you about ink shadows and goblins related to me. Now I’ve told you three. What the fick do you want from me, Twixy, the children’s book? Do I need to add subtitles? Ink shadows are bad news, people. I don’t want to sound racist like Liz over here, but fick each and every one of them sideways. If ever there were a reason for eugenics, ink shadows would be one of them.”

  “So this is about ink shadows being bad news?” Ryuk asks. “This whole story?”

  “Oh come on, you act like I don’t have to listen to you whine about how you almost got to first base with Tammy back there in the Mondegreen or how you once saw a little sideboob.”

  “I never said that!” Ryuk says too loudly.

  “Shhhh!” FeeTwix turns to Ryuk. “We’re close,” he whispers. “Shut the fuck up, Hiccup.”