Fantasy Online Polynya: A LitRPG Saga

by Harmon Cooper

“He’s back!” Hiccup pumps his brass fist in the air. The goblin glares at Aiden. “So it was that Sophia of yours all along that cursed us goblins. What a fickin’ hater.”

  “Call her what you like, but I wouldn’t do so to her face. I’ve seen her cast Skin Crawl on someone, and trust me, you don’t want to experience that.”

  “Right, I’ll be a good little ficker when she’s around. Welp. Twixy, Liz, I mean Princess, Marbles, and um, ninja man.”

  “If you must call me a nickname, ‘Morning Assassin’ will do.”

  Aiden snaps his fingers and his medieval ninja getup is suddenly gone, replaced by a red Hugh Hefner Robe and a pair of fuzzy slippers. His hair is suddenly slicked back, and the look on his face is as wolfish as ever. “Feel free to get comfortable; we’re in the new wing of the Knights’ guildhall, FYI,” he tells Ryuk. “Just finished it actually. Me and the Brits and a few others took care of the construction.”

  Ryuk recalls the six British members of the Knights.

  When not farting around, fighting, fucking, or getting arrested – a feat in itself considering the Knights’ status on the continent – the UK crew generally hung out in a little castle they constructed for themselves in the courtyard outside.

  Ryuk walks to one of the windows to confirm this; sure enough, the new wing of the Knights’ guildhall is on the top floor, and below, he can make out the Brits’ castle, a blacksmith’s shop, and a pen with a single sheep inside.

  Ryuk has only been to this location once or twice, as it is the Knights’ headquarters, and from what he remembers Tamana telling him, it exists in the OMIB, not exactly accessible by just any member of the guild. His branch’s guildhall was in Porthos, near the piers.

  It was much, much smaller than this.

  “Shit, has it been an hour yet?” Hiccup yawns. “I’m already bored.” He pulls a healing portion out of his list and chugs it. “That’s right, let’s get comfortable.”

  The goblin goes with the same outfit he was wearing at the DJ Ride the Lightning concert – a pair of boy shorts, a pair of boots, and nothing else. He plops down onto a couch and a scrollazine copy of Wet Goblin Holes: Sewer Edition appears in his hands. “Nope, still bored.”

  He tosses the scrollazine over his shoulder.

  Ryuk sits at the table and FeeTwix comes to his side. “You holding up all right?” the Swede asks.

  “I still can’t believe it’s my brother that did this,” Ryuk says, his thoughts drifting away from the real world implications of today’s discoveries and settling back in on his family drama. “And he is clearly working with the Shinigami. I mean, he was there. So he knows about this. He must! It has something to do with the woman behind the door that I saw, the serpent woman.”

  Zaena sits across from Ryuk. “My brother is still missing, unfortunately.”

  “I’ll bet they have him.”

  “We don’t know that,” FeeTwix says.

  “We need to find the serpent woman and we’ll definitely need the Knights’ help to defeat her.”

  Hiccup snorts. “Marbles, you always seem to be having women problems. A word of advice from a 154-year-old goblin with a penchant for being right and a track record to prove it – get yourself an orc girlfriend. They’re the best. They’ll clean up after you, cook for you, and keep you in line.”

  Aiden smirks as he moves over to Hiccup. “Down for a friendly game of Three Cards?” he asks. “I’ve gotten hooked on it lately.”

  “What’s at stake?”

  “Five hundred rupees to start.”

  “Pfft. I wipe my ass with five hundred rupees. You see the Swede over there? That Mitherficker is loaded, and you see the emo snowflake with black hair in his face? That dude promised me six percent of all the loot we find. So if you want to play with Uncle Goblin, raise the stakes. I’m no cheap ficker.”

  “Two percent, net,” Ryuk sighs.

  “Three percent, gross.”

  “Fine.”

  “Fick yeah!”

  Ryuk returns his focus to FeeTwix and Zaena. “I’m trying to put all this together, and while a picture is forming, it’s just not … not clear like it should be.”

  “Do you have a rivalry with your brother?” Zaena asks. “Maybe this is why he has come here and taken a copycat avatar.”

  “I don’t know why he’d come here and take the same avatar as me or why he’d … ” Ryuk gulps. “I don’t know why he’d take Tamana.”

  “Tammy made a choice, and we’ll keep killin’ her dead until she ficks off for good,” Hiccup says. “Now fick, stop distracting me, we’re negotiating terms here.” The goblin narrows his eyes at Aiden and says, “All right, ninja warrior, howzabout five thousand rupees on your end, and a case of Hopkins’ on my end to start? Twixy over there owes me a case.”

  “I do not owe you a case. You didn’t behave, so no case.”

  “Fick. Can I borrow five thousand rupees then?”

  Ryuk looks to FeeTwix “You’re in charge of the finances.”

  “Fine, five thousand, but nothing more than that. And start with smaller bets so you don’t lose it all at the get-go. Sorry, go on, Ryuk.”

  Ryuk drums his fingers against the table. “I just don’t get it. I don’t understand why my brother is doing this.”

  “All of this will make more sense in the coming days,” Zaena says. “For now, let’s relax a bit. I believe there is food and beverages available.”

  “Sure are.” Aiden says as he moves a card table between Hiccup and him.

  The door swings open and two faeries zip into the room. “Dragon wings,” the goblin says before the faerie can ask what he’d like. “Lemon pepper, demon berry, and fried griffin eggs if you got it.”

  “And you for, Aiden?” the faery asks.

  “Horse Piss and pancakes.”

  “Pancakes?” Hiccup asks. “Go on … ”

  “Something a buddy of mine used to eat every morning for two subjective years. Good stuff.”

  The goblin licks his lips. “I’m down.”

  “Two orders of pancakes,” he tells the faery.

  Zaena places an order in Thulean and FeeTwix orders a horse piss. “What about you, Ryuk? What do you want? Shit! It’s been an hour since I did an ad read.” His eyes flash black and his mirror appears in his hand. “WalMacy’s sale-o-rama, people! Sorry, it has been a fickin’ – ha! Hiccup’s word – long day but that doesn’t mean your local WalMacy’s isn’t open and ready to sell you anything you need. You won’t believe how much they’ve rolled back prices! Okay, people, listen in close … ”

  “Sorry about this guy,” Hiccup groans to Aiden, “he’s a real huckster.”

  FeeTwix brings the mirror even closer to his face as he whispers, “Super super super SUPER FLASH SALE! Mention #FeeTwixRox at checkout and save 2% on your purchases for an entire year! Next twenty minutes only, guys. Terms and conditions apply. See store for details. Offer only valid in the United States and any of its territorial holdings. Whew! It’s a deal, people! Ryuk will have a pint of Piss,” he tells the faery waitress point blank.

  “Yeah,” Ryuk says, “beer me.”

  Everyone in the room, including Aiden, who hardly knows Ryuk, turns to the Ballistics Mage with surprised looks on their faces.

  “What?” he asks.

  Hiccup uses his mechanical hand to dab at his eye. “My young Marbles finally, finally got woke. Shit, better make it a Horse Piss for me too.” He snaps his fingers at the pint-sized waitress. “You heard me, lady, a Horse Piss and a warm Cherry Apollos with a little whipped cream on top. Bill it to Doctor Wang.”

  “Right away, sir!”

  Chapter 28: Friends in High Places

  It doesn’t take long for Hiccup to lose the five thousand rupees loaned to him by FeeTwix. As another round of horse piss comes and goes, he borrows another five thousand, and once he loses all that, he promises Aiden double or nothing.

  “You already owe me ten thousand,” Aiden reminds him.

  “
Fick you, Balaclava, I’m taking it all back!”

  “I told you, if you want a nickname, it’s Morning Assassin.”

  “What gives with that anyway?” he asks. “Why not Evening Assassin? Fick, it’d be much more fun to kill someone in the evening. We goblins have a phrase for that.”

  Zaena, who sits at the table near Ryuk, laughs. “A phrase for killing someone at night?”

  “Yeah, it’s called an After Supper Mint.”

  “So you think that should be my new nickname?” Aiden rolls his eyes. “It’s too long.”

  “No, I’m just saying that Morning Assassin sounds like something that happens to my bunghole the night following a couple rounds of dragon wings. It has a ring to it too, After Supper Mint.” Hiccup licks his fingers and goes for another wing. He dips it in white sauce and sucks it down. “These things should come with a warning: WILL BURN SPHINCTER. Something like that.”

  Zaena cringes. “Then why do you eat them?”

  “Yeah,” Ryuk asks as he takes a sip from his second pint of Horse Piss. “What gives, Hiccup?”

  “What gives? Shit, you drunk, son? When’s the last time you spoke to an elder like that? What the fick, Twixy, I thought Japanese people were obedient or something!”

  FeeTwix says, “You know, if NPCs ever do come to our world and stick around, I believe one of the first to come should be you, Hiccup, just so you can get a sense of things and so you can, um, stop using words and concepts incorrectly.”

  “What have I used incorrectly?”

  Ryuk laughs. “I believe you suggested we eat monkeys up there. And then there’s chalupa, and that’s just off the top of my head. Pretty much everything you reference from our world is skewed somehow.”

  “Whatever,” Hiccup growls. “Are we doubling down, Afternoon Assassin? Or are you quitting like a fickin’ pansy?”

  “We don’t have to bet, you know,” Aiden suggests. “You already owe me everything you have.”

  “See, he’s scared! Third time’s a charm – that’s another goblin saying, Marbles. Keep up the fickboy act and I’ll have you be my note taker.”

  A flash in the center of the room signals that Sophia has arrived. Her form appears alongside that of a short, muscular faun in a tactical vest. An extinguished cigar rests in the faun’s mouth, a golden medal is pinned to his chest, and two firearms with polished grips are holstered at his side.

  The RPC icon flashes over his head and his stats appear.

  Doc Level 99

  HP: 7499/7499

  ATK: 5,554

  MATK: 1128

  DEF: 8330

  MDF: 4532

  LUCK: 102

  “What’s up, Doc?” Aiden calls over to the faun.

  “Aiden.” The faun’s hooves tap against the ground as he takes a few preliminary steps.

  “Having fun in Barbie World?”

  “You betcher ass I am. Then Doctor Wang gets hold of me and tells me what’s going down. I got here as quickly as I could. So, is this the guild?”

  “We have another member,” Ryuk blurts out. “Three other members, actually.”

  Doc places his extinguished cigar in his mouth and bites down on it. “I’ve seen worse.”

  “Marbles, Enway is not a member.”

  “She is, Hiccup,” FeeTwix says. “She’s our new cleric.”

  “Note to self: figure out a way to add a veto procedure to the vetting process.” Hiccup’s eyes flash. “Not this time, Goblinheimer’s! And we don’t have three other members, FYI. Conan and Dogbert haven’t been properly vetted. It really depends on if we have room. Four’s a company, five’s crowd. Or something like that.”

  “We have plenty of room.” Zaena stands to greet Doc. “Ignore the goblin.”

  “There’s a goblin in the room?” Doc asks with a twinkle in his eye.

  “Hey!”

  “I can silence him again,” Sophia says.

  “Not a bad idea,” says the Thulean assassin as she approaches Doc. He extends his hand and they greet each other.

  “You in charge?” Doc asks, his little goat tail twitching.

  “Nope, he is.”

  Ryuk feels something tap on his shoulder and ruffle his hair. He stands, and sheepishly makes his way over to Doc to meet him. “Ryuk Matsuzaki,” he says. “And this is FeeTwix Fajer.”

  “Hiya, Doc!”

  “And the goblin? Or do you guys just call him ‘goblin?’”

  Hiccup crosses his arms over his bare chest, which still has blacklight-responsive paint smeared across it. “That settles it. I’m getting a fickin’ nametag. Hell, a tattoo, old English letters, right over my belly button. The name is Hiccup, which is short for–”

  “–Hiccupanaratapana,” Sophia says, her nose held high. “I speak Thulean.”

  “Cool, then you can fickin’ take the medal off the faun’s chest and stuff it in your mouth.”

  Doc laughs. “Sophia has an Order of The Red Flag of The Hero of Socialist Fraternal Labor of The Peasants and Workers of The People’s Democratic Republic of Tritania medal too, Hiccup. We both have one. But I like the idea.”

  “Doc!”

  “Kidding, Doctor Wang,” the faun says, straightening up. “This is your show now, so let’s get down to brass tacks.”

  “Right.” Sophia smooths her hands over her white dress and lifts into the air a few inches. “Ryuk, I need to meet you in person.”

  Hiccup snorts, but doesn’t say anything else.

  “In … person?”

  “Yes. As your humandroid reported, there have been multiple attempts from NPCs to come through to our world using resetters. Since you are still experiencing digital hallucinations from time to time, I believe it is best if we meet. I will leave the US for Japan later tomorrow morning.”

  “Just you?”

  “I will have my AI Chuntao with me as well.”

  “I’m dead, an RPC,” Doc says, “in case you didn’t already know through context clues. I’ll be overseeing the Knights in the meantime. Your guild – what was the name again?” he asks Sophia.

  “The, um, Mitherfickers.”

  “Got it. The Mitherfickers will act as a satellite of the Knights. It’d be best for the Shinigami to believe that you are all still in trouble. We can easily mask your handles and get new looks for you, hell, new avatars, but one of you livestreams so that’s a no go.”

  FeeTwix says, “I can stop streaming temporarily, if it means I’ll avenge Tomas.”

  “He’s the reason he came here,” Sophia informs Doc, again using her advanced abilities to read the Swede’s mind.

  Doc considers this for a moment and says, “No, no. It would help, but your fans would come looking for you, especially if you just dropped the stream. No, the Shinigami should know we’re up to something. It’ll make them think twice about whatever they do next.”

  He looks from Sophia to the Mitherfickers. “You all are running the show here and you really need to start grinding and level up. I’ve had my time in the sun. But if I can help in any way, let me know.”

  “Thanks, Doc,” says Sophia.

  “Yes.” Ryuk bows. “Thank you.”

  “Later.” The faun waves and slowly fades away.

  “So what now?” Hiccup asks after Doc is gone. “I don’t feel like fighting shit at the moment.”

  “We will get levels later, starting tomorrow,” Ryuk says. “I believe we should go after the three Runestones of Tritinakh.”

  “The what?”

  “What the ink shadow told us about back in the catacombs.”

  “Oh, fick that guy!”

  “That’s a good idea,” Sophia says. “Going after the Runestones will at least bring you to a level that will allow you to travel to the next continent. You’ll still need to keep grinding, and if I were you, I’d do whatever I could to use EXP boosters.”

  “You don’t happen to know Dirty Dave, do you lady?” Hiccup asks.

  Her face hardens. “Yes.”

  “
Well, first off, lady, he ain’t fickin’ guilty. It’s the media out to get him.”

  Sophia rolls her eyes. “No, he is guilty. Dave created Wizardous years ago based on a drug from Cyber Noir called Riotous. That said, he has proven useful in the past, and it is the only reason that he keeps evading authorities.”

  “Welp, sorting that out is above my paygrade.” Hiccup glares at Ryuk. “Any-fickin’-hoo, that guy not only knows how to make good barbeque, he also seems to have all sorts of shit that can help us level up.”

  “I’ll get in touch with Dave now,” Aiden says. He’s gone before anyone can say otherwise.

  “Good. Then we have a plan. Ryuk and I will meet come tomorrow and your guild can get to leveling up. You two are free to log out,” Sophia tells FeeTwix and Ryuk.

  The Swede shrugs. “Nah, I think I’ll stay logged in. Actually, if you are meeting Ryuk in Tokyo, do you think I could come? I could take a quick flight from Sweden.”

  Sophia glances at Ryuk and shrugs. “What do you think?”

  “Honestly, I rarely meet anyone.”

  “We know you’re a loser, Marbles,” Hiccup says, “you don’t have to remind us. Hey! Who did that?” He bats his hands over his head. “Phew! It was Liz. Thought it was a ghost. I fickin’ hate ghosts.”

  “I have no problem with you joining us,” Sophia says.

  “Ryuk?”

  “Sure, FeeTwix. Just for the day then, right?” Ryuk asks Sophia. “I’m assuming you two wouldn’t be staying for long. I don’t have much space. Well, I have some, but … ” He thinks of the thugs hired to protect him. “My life is a bit complicated on the outside.”

  “The day works for me, Ryuk. I want to stay in one of those Proxima capsule hotels. They seem legit. Hell, maybe I’ll stay two days if it’s comfy. I have a ton of frequent flier miles.”

  “Mile high club!” Hiccup adds.

  “Do you even know what that is?” Sophia asks, baring her fangs.

  “It’s when you get high a mile up. Like if I did some Wizardous while we were riding a dragon. Shit, we have a dragon. Forget to tell you that, lady. The dragon’s name is Snowballs, but as you can see, Marbles is an absent father.”

  “Enway is taking care of Yangu,” Zaena reminds the goblin.