by ChaShiree M.
I feel the familiar pang as it starts in my chest anytime I begin to think of not being with her. I rollover, stalling from getting out of the bed. I can smell the food downstairs. Garett and his fiancée are having brunch at his folk’s place before the wedding. I have always loved his family. They are traditional like my folks, but also totally the opposite of anything you would expect. Also, much like my family.
Whereas most families, the bride and groom spend the night before their wedding, and the morning, with their respective parties getting ready. Not the Bardwick’s. They don’t believe in separation of any kind. They believe that starting the morning off together, surrounded by the friends and family that counts, is the only way to ensure those same people who stand up for you at your wedding, also serve as your backbone, your sounding board, your smack upside the head should you forget what is most important in your life. I love that.
After getting out of the shower and getting dressed, I walk downstairs and into their formal dining room. As usual, the first one to greet me is Lana, Garrett’s soon to be wife.
“Parker. So good to see you.” She says giving me a hug and kiss on the cheek. She barely gets to pull away from me before Garrett has her back in his arms growling at her.
“I thought I told you not to hug other men, sunshine,” he says looking at me like I am the devil. I can’t help but laugh. I get it. I feel the same about Felicity.
“Garrett.” I extend my hand to my oldest friend. He takes it, not letting go of Lana.
“So good to see you friend. Thank you so much for coming. I thought you would be bringing Felicity?”
“You know. She has a business to run.” I lie trying to not have this conversation right now. This is not the time or day for this. My mind wanders as I look around the room at all the couples sitting beside one another, talking, laughing, letting everyone in the room know who they love.
Maybe this is not in the cards for us. She doesn’t seem to mind it in her atmosphere, where I always am. Getting her into my space is the issue. Then it dawns on me. We are, mostly always in places she can control, or around people that in one way or another are connected to her. Thinking that she, all this time, has been telling me she doesn't want anything more than what we have, and I have been missing it, is making me pissed. I can feel the fire heating my face and the anger begins to spread. I am a fucking idiot. How did I miss it?
“Hey pal. Where did you go?” Garrett’s questions brings me back. Slightly. I am going to just suck it up until this over.
“Sorry man. I’m here. What do you need me to do after I finish eating?”
“Well I need you to do something for me right now.”
“Anything. Name it.”
“I need to take Lana outback for a few and erase the memory of you hugging her from her mind and mine. Cover for us?” I shake my head laughing. Lana’s face is the color of a Pink Lady apple. All red and pink as she hides her face behind Garrett’s shoulder.
“Of course. You two kids have fun. But hurry back. We have a wedding to get ready for.” I smirk as they run out the back door.
The rest of breakfast is fun and full of laughter and joking around. It isn’t until I am in the back of the church getting dressed that I realize, my phone has been off this whole time. I turn it back on. Ten missed calls from Felicity and fifteen text messages. My finger hovers over the key to open all of them, but I need time. When the wedding is over, I need to take some time to figure out what I want and what I am willing to live without. But right now, is not the time.
“You’re deep in thought my best man. What’s going on?”
“Nothing man. You don’t need to worry about anything. Let’s get you married.” I pat him on the back.
“Parker, I know this is my wedding day, but you are still my best friend. We have a little time. Talk to me.”
“I don’t think Felicity and I are going to work.” There. I said it out loud.
“Really? I didn’t see that coming. I mean when she didn’t show up here, I figured something was going on. But, how could you think something like that? If I ever saw two people that love each other more, it would be Lana and I.”
“I love her Garrett. The problem is she doesn’t love me.”
“Bullshit. What the fuck is going on Parker?” His tone incites the anger in me. I have been holding it in thus far but now it is boiling over.
“I don’t fucking know Garrett! If I knew, I wouldn’t be this damn torn up. She doesn’t love me. She never wants to come to brunch, or come to events with me, such as this. Whenever one of my friends has something, it is always an excuse, or a reason she doesn’t want to go. When I ask, she brushes it off or lies. I have been asking her to move in together for six months. Six fucking months Garrett, and she says no every damn time. I love this girl so much I can barely see right now being away from her. She is a part of me. Apparently, a part that doesn’t want to belong to me. So, what else, am I supposed to think?” I stumble back, gasping for breath as my yelling finally comes to an end. I fall onto the arm of the chair, my hands in my hair as everything I just said settles inside me. My heart finally falling into big pieces, at my feet. Have you ever watched your heart break open and bleed at your feet?
“I’m sorry man. I didn’t mean to upset you. I don’t know what I would have done if Lana would have denied me. But have you asked yourself if maybe it is something else?” I continue to try to calm my hammering chest.
“Like what?” I hoarsely ask.
“I have spent a little time around you two. I like Felicity. She is smart, sarcastic, and she doesn’t take shit from you. But and don’t kill me for saying this, she is not who any of us saw you with. Think about the life you have lived and the people in it. Does she fit in?” Now I am just pissed.
“What the hell are you saying right now? And tread lightly my friend.” Still can’t have anyone saying shit about her.
“I am trying to say maybe, she doesn’t feel like she belongs. Is it possible that Felicity feels like she is not good enough for you?” Stunned does not begin to cover it. It can’t be. Lissi is one of the most confident women I know. She had a vision and went for it. She doesn’t apologize for being who she is. There is no way she is insecure. Is there?
“Look, all I am saying is talk to her. If you have to lock her in a room and not let her out until she talks to you, do it. If you love her and she is it for you, do whatever you have to. You see what I did to get Lana.” Crazy bastard. He is a nutjob. This lunatic broke into her house, tied her to the bed and wouldn’t let her leave until she admitted she loved him and agreed to marry him.
Maybe I do need to take a page out of his book. Something has to give. Felicity is mine and she needs to know it.
7
Felicity
I hate crying more than anything. I have literally been doing it all night. My whole body hurts. I can feel my nerves, fraying, wavering against the onslaught of loneliness. My heart, breaking as it tries to come to terms with the time we have been apart. I cried so much, at one point I couldn’t breathe. Hiccupping and gasping for air as I called his name over and over, begging him to come back to me, apologizing for the way I pushed him away. In between the crying and the headaches and vomiting, I text him over and over to avail.
Fuck it. If I can't sleep, then I might as well get up and get dressed. Three hours early, but whatever. I go take a shower and drag myself downstairs for some tea. Ordinarily, I would be drowning my lungs in coffee, but it hasn’t been settling well with me lately.
On the drive over to the shop, I stare at my phone, willing it to ring or buzz or something. Nothing. I can feel the emotions inside me switching, changing me from this wet mess, to just plain pissed now. This is why relationships were never on my radar. I don’t have time for this shit. I am a strong, capable, sexy, vixen. I don’t need a man. I don’t need Parker.
Now if I can convince my damn heart.
I immediately know something is wrong when I walk in
the door. The atmosphere is thick with tension. I turn toward Meridien, eyebrow raised. “What the hell is going on?”
Before she can answer, I hear something shatter and someone yell.
“Bitch! I told you to mind your own fucking business.”
“Listen to me, you dumb cunt, if I ever see your druggie boyfriend going through my fucking station again, I will kill both of you.”
“Hey you two. What the fuck is going on?” Star is the one that turns to me and answers, trying her hardest to calm down.
“That bitch and her fucked up boyfriend were going through my shit when I got in. This is not the first time I’ve caught him stealing from this shop.” The fuck?
“He wasn’t stealing you nosy twat.” Turning my head toward Vivian, I place my hand on my hip and try not to growl out the question.
“Then what was he doing in my shop in the first place Viv?”
“He dropped me off, had to use the bathroom. That’s it.” she says a bit sassy with her arms crossed. I swear I am trying not to wring her fucking neck.
“Vivian, I don’t want him here at all. I have been trying to keep myself out of your business, but don’t think for one second that I don’t know what he really is. I don’t want that shit around my shop. This is not that type of place Viv. Do you understand?” She literally scoffs at me when I say this to her.
“I don’t have to take this shit from you or her. I quit. Who the hell wants to work at this stuck up piece of shit ink shop anyway?” Now I should choke the bitch. Before I can though, she walks out the door throwing the keys to the shop on my desk. I take a deep breath, my back to the rest of the room. I can’t seem to stop myself from shaking. On top of everything else I need this shit like I need a hole in the head.
When I have finally calmed down, I turn to the rest of my staff, trying to not lose my shit.
“Is there any other shit I need to know about? Right now, would be the perfect time to tell me, because after this, I am done. I built this place because I wanted to own something reputable and fun. But most of all, I wanted to own something that was a reflection of me. I wanted to do something good for women.” The tears are forming, I try to blink them back, as I think back to the conception of this place. I take a look around this incredible place I have created, remembering the moment I got everything I wanted, how people always thought I would be the troublemaker and not amount to anything. But I did all of this. Me. No one else. I purposely wanted it to be the opposite of a typical Tattoo Shop. I wanted it to stand out. To call to the upper class. I want them to come here and spend their money, so that on Sundays, I can open it up to breast cancer survivors free of charge to make them feel good. Screw everything else.
“I need to know that you all want to be here. That you understand what this business is and what it stands for. Can I count on you all?” Everyone looks at me straight in the eye.
“We want to be here Boss. All of us.” I nod my head, taking a deep breath.
“Good. Now let’s clean up the mess and get to work.”
The rest of the day is event free. I finally get a chance to sit at two o’ clock and in walks my sister.
“Cinnamon, what brings you here?”
“I got a minute without the kids and wanted to check on you. We missed you at brunch.” Like I need to hear this today.
“Yeah well, I have a business to run. How was it?”
“How did Parker say it was?” I hate when she answers a question with a question.
“I wouldn’t know. I haven’t heard from him since then.” No matter how I try to tell myself I am fine with that, it hurts just saying it. I blink a couple of times, making sure not to let an inkling of emotion surface.
“I was afraid of that. Listen Felicity, I love you. And I am so proud of you. But their family takes family seriously. Not like ours where mom and dad could live without us and be fine. His parents are all about their kids and grandkids. You, refusing to take part in family functions is seen as a slap in their face and let me tell you, Delilah made it known, that she felt you don't really love him or want him since you don’t ever want to be a part of his life.”
I think I am going to be sick. I hunch over, holding my stomach trying to stop the bile of my own fucked up insecurities from coming back up through my mouth, scalding it like acid, leaving a trail of blood from my heart with it.
“Oh God,” is the only thing to leave my mouth.
“I told them it isn’t true. Because it isn’t. Right?” She asks looking at me with concern. All I can do is shake my head as the tears come pouring out of me like Niagara Falls. I am not only crying because I am sorry, but because I am angry, he didn’t come to me after so we could talk about this.
But then again, would I have talked to him? Or destroyed it further?
8
Parker
Driving over to her shop for her annual Breast Cancer charity event, I can't help but feel as if a part of me has been missing. Felicity, since the moment we met, has been a piece of me. These few days that we haven’t been together, I feel like I have a phantom limb missing from my body. I need to fix us.
After leaving the wedding and going home to attend an important seminar, I spent the night thinking. Trying to figure out what I really wanted. No matter how I looked at it, spun the answers, it was always the same. Her. I want Felicity. I love her. She belongs to me. Now I need to make her see it.
I pull up to the shop and note that there are cars and people everywhere. I didn’t bother texting or calling her this morning, because I knew she would be much too busy to answer. Getting out of the car, I give my keys to the valet, pose for the cameras and walk inside. Walking in I must say I am more than impressed by the amount of people here. I see numerous reporters, photographers and journalists. There are also a bunch of vendors here. I can see the survivors walking around, enjoying themselves. I am not sure how long I am here searching for my woman when I finally see her, off to the side giving orders.
“Mmmm. You look so fucking hot tonight.” I say wrapping my arms around her waist. I know we need to talk, but right now is not the time and if I am honest, I just want to hold her and kiss her right now. However, if the look on her face and the rigidity of her body is any indication, perhaps she doesn’t feel the same.
“What are you doing here Parker?”
“I am here to support you. I missed you baby.”
“Really? Could have fooled me. No phone calls. No texts. I think you were doing just fine.” So, she is really pissed. Not that I blame her.
“Lissi, now is not the time. Let’s just enjoy your event and we can talk later.” She turns to me, eyes filled with pain and anger. It breaks my fucking heart to see her so upset. Knowing I had something to do with it. I need to make this right. I reach out to pull her to me when she steps back.
“There is nothing left to talk about Parker. Your mother was right.”
“Right about what?” I don’t like where this is going.
“We are not suited for one another. I am not good enough for you and your family. We come from two different worlds. Perhaps we should both take the hint and walk away now. Before it is too late.” The fuck!
“Look at me Felicity.” I demand walking to her and pulling her in my arms. “I don’t know what you have heard, but I am not going anywhere. Do we have things to discuss? Absolutely. But understand this, it will end the same way. With you under me, screaming my name over and over as I remind you who you belong to. I fucking love you baby. Nothing and no one is going to change that.” I pull her head to mine and devour her lips. The desperation evident and coming from the both of us. My hands roam all over her, never mind the fact that we are in public in front of people. Ask me if I give a fuck.
Our tongues tangle with each other and fight for dominance. Its ok. I thrive on that feeling alone. Knowing that, in the end, she will submit. She is mine. She belongs to me. I move us slightly, trying to find some privacy as our mouths dance with one another, and
I feel her pulling away.
Looking in her eyes, I am more than taken aback by the tears. I have never seen her cry the whole time we have been together.
“Lissi, look at me. Talk to me baby. What’s going on?” I pull her into my arms wanting to comfort her, but she pushes back at me.
“Please leave Parker. There is nothing else to say. I can’t right now.” She turns her back to me, pissing me the fuck off.
“I will not fucking leave Lissi. Not until you tell me what is going the hell on. Talk to me.”
“I am done Parker. I can’t do this anymore. We are not meant to be together and I am done trying to be someone I am not. LEAVE!!!” she yells at me before running in the opposite direction. Every instinct I have is telling me to go after her. I need to carry her out of this damn party, take her home and fuck the shit out of her. But knowing how hard she worked for this, against my better judgement, I walk out the building and away from her. For now. There is no way she is going to be rid of me forever. It’s time for her to realize she is MINE!
9
Felicity
Oh God! What did I do? Why do I keep doing this to us? To him? I don’t know why I can’t just admit how much I love him and need him. Why do I insist on torturing the both of us? It’s so obvious that he feels as much for me as I do for him. I mean hell, he keeps coming back even though I keep hurting him. I don’t know what to do. I stand against the wall, head hanging, feeling so sick and fucked up.
