The Accidental Proposal

by Dunn, Matt

  ‘Yes, but you’ve got to. If you want Polly to take you seriously, that is.’

  ‘But . . . how? I mean, the words “celebrity” and “celibate” might be next to each other in the dictionary, but there’s a reason why they’re a million miles apart in real life.’

  ‘Remember what you told me a while ago? About giving up smoking?’

  Dan frowns. ‘Ed, I have trouble remembering what I told you last week.’

  ‘You said to me, the best way to stop smoking is to stop buying cigarettes. And you were right. Remove the temptation, and it’s a lot easier.’

  ‘Huh?’

  ‘Well, where do you meet all these women?’

  Dan thinks for a moment. ‘At nightclubs, obviously.’

  ‘So stop going to them.’

  ‘And at the gym. Or in the street. Or at the supermarket. Or when I’m out jogging. And at the hairdressers. And . . .’

  I hold up a hand to stop him. ‘Maybe you should go out less often. Start shopping on-line.’

  Dan puffs his cheeks full of air, then exhales loudly. ‘That’s easy for you to say, Ed. But one of the reasons I do this is because I like the fringe benefits. The adulation. When you’re filming for TV, you don’t really get any feedback, you know. It’s just you and a camera. But when I’m out on the street, it’s different. People come up to me and tell me they love my work. And sometimes, they want to show me how much. And who am I to deny them?’

  ‘But surely all you need to do is exchange a few words, rather than bodily fluids?’

  ‘Fair comment.’ Dan grins. ‘It’s hard, though. Especially because some of them are so attractive.’

  ‘More attractive than Polly?’

  ‘Of course not. But . . .’

  ‘But nothing. Keep your eye on the prize, for God’s sake. That way you’ll find them easier to resist.’

  ‘So you’re saying I should’ – Dan clears his throat, then lowers his voice – ‘lay off the women for a while. Instead of laying them, that is.’ He smiles at his own joke. ‘Did you see what I did there?’

  ‘Yes, but it’s Polly you should be worried about seeing what you did. And if you’re going to be plastered all over the papers, make sure it’s for the right reasons.’

  ‘The right reasons. Sure. Will do.’ He takes a mouthful of beer. ‘Which would be what, exactly?’

  I sigh exasperatedly. ‘I don’t know. But anything’s better than being photographed sticking your tongue down some half-dressed teenager’s throat.’

  ‘She was sixteen, for the gazillionth time. That’s one of the legal teens.’

  ‘Just.’

  ‘That day, in fact,’ says Dan, as if that makes it any better. ‘Which was why she asked for a birthday kiss. How was I to know that there was a pap from the Sun there?’

  ‘That’s not the point. Why don’t you do some charity work, or something?’

  ‘Charity work. Right.’ He picks his cue up again, leans over the table, and narrows his eyes in concentration. ‘Maybe I could start my own. The Dan Davis Foundation. For fallen young woman. I could give them a bed for the night, and . . .’

  ‘Be serious. Imagine how Polly will feel if she opens the paper one day and sees a picture of you doing something good.’

  Dan makes a face I don’t see very often – of comprehension – and stands back up again. ‘You know, that’s not a bad idea,’ he says, chalking the tip of his cue.

  ‘You’ve got to convince her you’ve changed. And she’s not going to know that just by looking at you, is she?’

  ‘Not unless I get as fat as you were. But then again, that wouldn’t be a good thing. So what do I say if she asks me about it? You know, the womanizing.’

  ‘For one thing, you tell her you’ve stopped. And for another, tell her you were only doing it to fill a hole . . .’

  ‘Hur hur.’

  ‘Dan, please. In your life. Where Polly used to be.’

  ‘Oh yeah. Right. And?’

  As he looks expectantly up at me, I realize this is what I need to make Dan understand. Polly dumped him because he was turning into something she didn’t like; someone she didn’t know any more – just like Jane did to me. Because that’s what women do, I’ve learned – go as far as their breaking point, and once they’ve reached that, it’s incredibly hard to convince them to come back from it. But what I can’t work out how to tell him, and what I suspect he feels himself, is that she might not want to be TV’s Dan Davis’s girlfriend, or certainly not the Dan Davis he’s become.

  ‘And you’ve got to convince her that she should give you a chance to prove that you’ve changed.’

  ‘So, should I tell her that all these women didn’t mean a thing?’

  ‘Yes. And no. Because that would make you out as a heartless shag-monster. Which is not something to be proud of,’ I add, as a grin spreads across his face. ‘Just be honest. Tell her how you feel. There’s nothing more flattering than hearing that someone wants you more than anything else in the world, so that’s what you’ve got to concentrate on. Show her on the day that you’re courteous, helpful, witty, and, above all else, don’t try and snog anyone else.’

  ‘Apart from Sam, right?’

  ‘Especially Sam.’

  Dan sighs. ‘I’m not sure, Ed. I mean, this is all a bit outside my comfort zone.’

  ‘Can’t you just accept it’s where you need to be?’

  Dan looks at me as if I’ve just made the most outrageous suggestion. ‘This is women we’re talking about, Ed. Who knows more about them than me?’

  ‘Well, a woman, for one,’ I say, waving Wendy over.

  Dan looks round to see who I’m gesticulating to, then grabs my hand. ‘What are you doing?’

  ‘Like I said the other day, we need a woman’s perspective.’

  ‘And like I said the other day, if that’s the case, why are you asking Wendy?’

  ‘Dan, she’s hardly going to help you if you insult her all the time. And don’t you think this silly feud of yours has gone far enough? It’s childish.’

  ‘She started it.’

  ‘See what I mean? And in actual fact, you started it, by sleeping with her flatmate then never calling her again, I seem to recall. Now be nice.’

  ‘What can I get you?’ says Wendy, arriving at the table. ‘Another Coke, Ed? Some manners, Dan?’

  ‘No, thanks,’ I say, patting the seat of the stool next to me. ‘We, I mean Dan, needs a bit of advice.’

  Wendy looks at Dan suspiciously, then sits down reluctantly. ‘About what?’

  ‘Women,’ says Dan, although only after I’ve poked him with the blunt end of my pool cue.

  As Wendy bursts out laughing, Dan turns to me. ‘You see, I told you it was a mistake,’ he says, throwing his cue onto the table and making for the toilets.

  I chase after him, and guide him back to where Wendy’s sitting. ‘Wendy, be serious for a minute, please. Dan needs help.’

  ‘Of the “professional” variety,’ says Wendy, struggling for breath.

  ‘Please, Wendy. This is your chance to save all womankind. You can spare them all from any future hurt.’

  She stops laughing abruptly. ‘How?’ she says, suddenly interested.

  ‘By telling Dan what it is he needs to change about himself to win back Polly.’

  Wendy considers this for a second or two. ‘How about everything?’

  ‘Which is what he’s prepared to do. Aren’t you, Dan?’

  ‘What? Oh. Yes. Of course. Whatever it takes,’ says Dan, through gritted teeth.

  I nod encouragingly. ‘I mean, how did Andy convince you he was the one for you?’

  ‘Getting me pregnant was a good start,’ says Wendy, only half joking.

  Dan frowns. ‘Yes, but Polly’s hardly going to let me get close enough to . . . Ah. You weren’t being serious.’

  ‘Jesus, Dan. For someone who’s been out with as many women as you have, you don’t actually know a lot about how we really work.’


  ‘Which is why I need your help,’ pleads Dan.

  Wendy looks at him levelly for a moment or two. ‘Okay. Well, as far as we’re concerned, you need to let us know you’re interested in us. Does Polly have any idea?’

  ‘I dunno.’

  ‘When was the last time you saw her?’

  Dan shrugs. ‘About a year ago. I went to say sorry. For the way I treated her.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘And nothing. We had lunch, she had a boyfriend. So I left it at that.’

  ‘And you haven’t seen her since?’

  Dan shakes his head. ‘What was the point? She was with someone else, and I didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize her happiness.’

  Wendy makes a face that could mean she’s either surprised or impressed, either of which would be a rarity as far as she and Dan are concerned. ‘That was very caring of you, Dan. And now?’

  ‘She’s coming to old numb nuts’ wedding tomorrow,’ he says, nodding towards me. ‘On her own. Which would indicate she’s single again. So how do I, you know, get her interested?’

  ‘You need to make her feel like she’s the only girl in the world,’ says Wendy. ‘For you, I mean.’

  ‘Right.’ Dan nods thoughtfully. ‘So, if I tell her that I could have any woman I wanted, but in fact I want her, she’s bound to be a pushover?’

  Wendy stares at him in disbelief. ‘Quite the opposite. I mean, she has to feel that as far as you’re concerned, there aren’t any other women in the world.’

  ‘But there are.’

  ‘No there aren’t.’

  ‘But . . . Ow.’

  ‘Sorry, Dan,’ I say, as he scowls at me for poking him with my cue again, although with the pointy end this time. ‘But I’m supposed to be getting married tomorrow afternoon, and I didn’t want to be late.’

  ‘Think about it,’ says Wendy. ‘The moment you let someone know you’re interested in them, it’s really flattering, and they look at you in a new light. So for you to be telling them that not only are you interested in them, but you’re prepared to forsake everyone else . . .’

  ‘And how do I do that, exactly?’

  Wendy shrugs. ‘Make a big gesture, maybe.’

  ‘But I am making a big gesture. By giving up all other women.’

  ‘What I mean is, make a big gesture that she’ll appreciate.’

  ‘Well, if she doesn’t appreciate something like that, then . . . Ow.’

  As Dan recoils from where Wendy’s hit him this time, she smiles. ‘Dan, Polly doesn’t want to think you’re making some sort of sacrifice by being with her, or you’re doing her a favour. She needs you to make her feel you’re lucky to have her. Not the other way round.’

  Dan inches out of arm’s – and cue’s – reach, and thinks about this for a second or two. ‘So, let me get this straight. In order to convince her I’m worth taking a chance on, I’ve actually got to get her to believe I think she’s the only girl in the world for me.’

  I sit down next to Wendy. ‘By Jove, I think he’s got it.’

  ‘But isn’t that rather, well, desperate?’

  Wendy nods. ‘Of course it is. We need to see you’re helpless. Because then we know we’ve got you where we want you. Desperate, Dan.’

  ‘Very funny.’

  ‘She doesn’t want to be holding the tiger by the tail,’ continues Wendy. ‘In fact, she should be the tiger. And she wants to see you value her highly, and appreciate the sacrifice she’s making.’

  Dan makes a face. ‘What sacrifice is she making, exactly?’

  Wendy raises one eyebrow. ‘Where do you want me to start? And this is all the more important because you’ve got history. I mean, you ran out on her once before, don’t forget.’

  ‘Yes, well that was a mistake.’

  ‘You know that now,’ I say. ‘And actually, telling her that might just give you a chance to win her back.’

  ‘No, an actual mistake,’ says Dan. ‘I think I might have got the wrong end of the stick, and by the time I realized that, it was too late.’ He puts an arm round my shoulder. ‘You see, Ed? It happens to the best of us. Anyway, thank you, Wendy. I’ll give what you’ve said some thought.’

  Wendy peers back at him, unused to this kind of reaction. ‘You’re, er, welcome,’ she says, jumping off her stool and making her way back towards the bar.

  As Dan watches her go, I nudge him out of the way, then walk round to where the white ball is and lean down to line up my next shot. ‘And just remember how lucky you are.’

  ‘Lucky?’ Dan stares at me across the table. ‘How do you mean, lucky?’

  ‘Not everyone gets a second chance. This is yours. So don’t mess it up.’

  ‘I won’t. I’ve been to a thousand auditions. I know what to do.’

  ‘But was the part ever this important?’

  As Dan sniggers at the word “part”, I draw my cue back, then hit the white ball down towards the far end of the table, where the eight-ball is perched precariously over the pocket.

  ‘Missed,’ says Dan.

  ‘Not so fast,’ I say, as the cue ball bounces off the far cushion, does the same off the one closest to me, before making its way back towards where I was originally aiming. ‘I think I might get it on the rebound.’

  And as the eight-ball drops into the pocket, I can tell that Dan is hoping for the same thing tomorrow.

  Saturday, 25 April

  6.21 a.m.

  When I wake up on Dan’s sofa after a restless night’s sleep, the first thing I think about is the goodbye kiss Sam planted on my lips yesterday, and wonder whether the next thing she’ll plant on me will be a right hook. I still haven’t worked out how, when, or even what to tell her, but with the two of us due at the registry office in just under ten hours, I’d better think of something, and fast.

  My gut feeling is that I am going to have to come clean before the wedding, but when I think about what her reaction is likely to be, my other gut feeling is extreme nausea.

  7.44 a.m.

  I’m on my second cup of coffee, staring at the hand-written notice Dan Sellotaped to his bedroom door last night that says ‘keep out’, wondering when’s safe to wake him. To be honest, I’m tempted to let him have a lie in, because while he’s the last person to need any beauty sleep, what he is going to need if he wants to win Polly back are his wits about him this afternoon. Even if the wedding turns into a disaster, there might as well be one happy ending today.

  11.12 a.m.

  Dan and I are back in the Admiral Jim for something to calm our nerves. On his insistence, we’ve called in at the local oriental supermarket on the way here to try and find some “Thai cheese”, which Dan says he’s heard is good for relaxation, despite me and the chap behind the counter insisting that Dan must mean Tai Chi.

  In spite of this amusing interlude, I’m still not sure I can go through with the wedding, and Dan is trying to help in his own way, but as usual, Dan’s way isn’t mine.

  ‘Listen,’ he says, sitting down at the bar next to me. ‘If you want my advice, just put it down to experience. Brush it under the carpet and move on. If anything happened at all, it was a mistake, that’s all. An accident, even.’

  ‘That’s easy for you to say. You weren’t the one driving.’

  ‘No,’ says Dan. ‘But neither were you, by the sound of things.’

  ‘Don’t you see? That makes it worse.’

  By the look on his face, Dan evidently doesn’t think so. ‘I still don’t see why you’re so hung up about it.’

  ‘Because I don’t want to hurt Sam.’

  ‘So don’t. By not telling her.’ Dan waves to Wendy, and indicates our empty glasses. ‘Besides, remember you’re worried about something you’re not actually sure you did.’

  ‘Yes, but what if I did, and she finds out.’

  ‘Finds out? You haven’t been able to, and you were there. And if you couldn’t, how’s Sam ever going to?’

  ‘How’s Sam ever g
oing to what?’ asks Wendy, materializing behind the bar with a bottle of champagne and a couple of glasses.

  As I start to blush furiously, Dan grins at her. ‘Just a surprise Ed’s thinking about giving Sam later.’

  ‘Ooh, lovely,’ says Wendy, popping the cork out of the bottle and pouring us both a drink. ‘Girls love surprises.’

  ‘Not this kind, they don’t,’ whispers Dan.

  ‘But don’t you understand?’ I say, once Wendy’s out of earshot. ‘These things always have a way of coming out. Far better that I tell her about it now, rather than have it look like I was trying to keep it from her. I mean, what happens if someone announces it at the wedding?’

  ‘Trust me. Anyone who’s slept with you is hardly going to want to boast about it. And certainly not in public.’

  I stare at him, tight-lipped. ‘And that’s supposed to make me feel better, is it?’

  ‘Listen,’ says Dan. ‘If – and it’s a big “if” – there was someone else, chances are, whoever this person is was as drunk as you, so there’s a good chance she doesn’t remember it either. Or maybe she’s embarrassed because she got off with some fat bloke – I mean, let’s face it, she was out of there so quickly the next morning you’d have thought the fire alarm had gone off.’

  ‘What’s your point, Dan?’

  ‘And so she probably wants to forget about it too. Which makes two of you. Problem solved.’

  ‘I’m sorry. I simply can’t risk Sam finding out from someone else.’

  Dan sighs. ‘So tell her then. I mean, you didn’t dump Jane when she did the dirty on you, did you? So maybe Sam will be the same.’

  I stare at him for a second, wondering whether to explain that Jane had already decided we were finished the moment she snogged someone else. And although she’d defended her actions, telling me they were just a cry for attention, in reality, as Natasha pointed out, they were a cry for attention from someone else. The reason I hadn’t dumped her there and then wasn’t anything to do with how much I wanted to be with her, but just how much I didn’t want to be on my own.