Sean's Reckoning

by Sherryl Woods

  Unfortunately, that thrill hadn’t lasted. He remembered that the twins had cried more, been more difficult to pacify than Michael. One cranky baby would have been stressful enough. Two caused sleepless nights and frayed tempers. He remembered the strain on his mother’s face, the impatient complaints from his father that escalated into shouting matches that often sent him, Ryan and Michael running from the house to hide until the furor was over. He remembered feeling scared and, worse, resentful of the two tiny beings who’d come into their midst and ruined everything.

  What the hell was he doing, thinking about having a baby with Deanna or with anyone else? How many times had he wished back then that the twins had never been born? Now guilt and anguish welled up inside him at the hateful thoughts he’d once harbored for those two innocent boys. How could he have been so selfish? he reproached himself.

  With the long-forgotten memories flooding in, he wondered how he could have buried all of that for so long. Obviously he’d buried it as deep as the fear that those childish wishes had been the cause of his parents taking the twins and leaving.

  He wasn’t aware that tears were sliding down his cheeks until he felt Deanna hesitantly touch the dampness, her expression worried.

  “Sean, what is it? What’s wrong?”

  He shoved her hand aside and swiped impatiently at the telling tears, embarrassed at having been caught crying. “Nothing,” he said brusquely.

  She laid her hand over his. “Don’t try to tell me that. I don’t believe you.”

  Her steady look told him she had no intention of letting him off the hook. He took a deep breath and forced himself to admit at least part of what had reduced him to tears. “I just slammed headfirst into a slew of old memories.”

  “Not very pleasant ones, I gather.”

  He shook his head.

  She smoothed her hand over the stubble on his cheek. “Tell me.”

  Her tone was gentle, but it was a command. He knew her well enough to see that. She wasn’t going to rest until he’d spilled his guts to her. What would she think of him then? Maybe, despite what she’d said last night, she would be the one who’d flee from the relationship.

  With a sinking sensation in the pit of his stomach, he began slowly, describing the upheaval the twins’ arrival had caused in his family. As he described how the situation had worsened month by month, Deanna nodded, her expression filled with understanding and compassion, not the disgust he’d feared.

  “I wanted them to go away,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper as he admitted the shameful sentiment.

  “Oh, Sean.” She didn’t seem shocked or appalled, just very sad. “Don’t you imagine that’s exactly how every sibling feels when a new baby brother or sister comes home from the hospital? You had two brothers thrust on you all at once. Worse, they weren’t easy babies.”

  “But Ryan didn’t resent me. Neither of us felt that way about Michael.”

  “Do you really remember that clearly? You were only two when Michael was born,” she reminded him.

  “I remember…” he insisted, not ready to let himself off the hook “…as clearly as I remember the tension that began the second Patrick and Daniel came home from the hospital.”

  Deanna didn’t seem entirely convinced, but she said, “You mentioned the twins were difficult babies, and they caused problems between your parents. It was natural for you to be afraid that your world was about to be disrupted. Just look at what happened—your family was torn apart. Maybe that was because of the twins or maybe it was something else, but the bottom line is, your fears had some basis in reality.”

  “That’s no excuse,” he said, refusing to let himself off the hook. “They were babies. What kind of man blames a baby for anything?”

  She laughed then and pressed a kiss against his lips. He was so surprised by the reaction, he didn’t move, didn’t even automatically deepen the kiss as he might have another time.

  “Sean, you weren’t a man,” she reminded him. “You were a six-year-old boy, younger than that when they first came into your life. I’m sure there are plenty of other things you did at that age that you would never consider doing now.”

  He started to argue, then slowly grasped the wisdom in her words. She was right. He was blaming himself for things that had been far beyond his control. Whatever had happened back then, it was because of decisions the adults had made, not anything he or Ryan or even Michael or the twins had done. The blame, if there was any, belonged with their parents. It had been up to them to cope with the disruptions, to reassure their sons, not to simply take off when things got to be too difficult.

  He and Ryan had talked about that before, had agreed on it, but until now he hadn’t let himself believe it. Having Deanna, an objective third party, provide a fresh perspective helped more than he’d imagined possible. A sigh of relief shuddered through him as he finally let go of some of the guilt.

  Deanna regarded him with surprise. “You really were blaming yourself, weren’t you? Have you been doing that all these years?”

  “Not consciously,” he said. “But somewhere in the back of my mind, I suspect it was always there.”

  “What made you think about it this morning?”

  He started to keep the answer to himself, but she deserved to know where his head was. “I was thinking about babies. Yours and mine.”

  The expression on her face was priceless—a mix of shock, wonder and something that looked a whole lot like panic. Sean could relate to that.

  But he wasn’t scared anymore, because when he looked deep into Deanna’s eyes, anything seemed possible.

  Deanna didn’t want Sean to see just how deeply she’d been affected by his off-the-cuff remark about the two of them having babies. They’d spent one night in each other’s arms and he was talking about a family. How could she even think about that? How could he? Wasn’t admitting that she loved him a huge enough leap for now?

  Because she was so completely disconcerted, she scrambled from his embrace with the excuse that she was starving, that he must be, too. She was dressed in her robe and out the bedroom door before he could blink, much less reach out and haul her back into bed.

  Her hands shook as she made the coffee. She had just grabbed the edge of the counter to steady herself when she felt Sean come up behind her, bracing his hands next to hers, trapping her in place.

  “Okay,” he said quietly. “Your turn. Why did you take off like that?”

  “I’m hungry,” she insisted.

  “Turn around, look me in the eye and tell me food is the only thing on your mind,” he said.

  She swallowed hard and forced herself to turn around and level a look straight into his eyes. “I want pancakes,” she said, managing to keep her voice steady. She was impressed with her acting, if not the blatant lie.

  Sean didn’t seem quite as taken with her proclamation. “Pancakes? You’d rather have pancakes than me?” he asked lightly.

  She laughed despite her tension. “I didn’t know you were even on the menu.”

  “Oh, yeah,” he said softly, his mouth covering hers. “Always.”

  One hand cupped her breast, causing the nipple to bead beneath the soft fabric. Just like that, the panic fell away.

  This was Sean. This was the solid, steady man who had befriended her son and protected her, even when she didn’t want his protection. Sean would never run out on her the way Frankie had, not after he’d committed to staying. Sean would never take such a commitment lightly. He’d lived through the pain of abandonment, just as she had. If he could take a giant leap of faith into the future, so could she.

  Couldn’t she? Her heart hammered at the thought.

  Then she met his gaze, saw the man who made her pulse race, the man who loved her, who loved her enough to face his own fears and move forward.

  She shrugged out of the robe, let it slide to the floor as she moved into his waiting arms. Just as he swept her off her feet, she reached out and flipped off the coffee
pot. Coffee, pancakes, everything else would have to wait. The future was right in front of her, and she intended to reach for it and hold on tight.

  After they’d finally recovered from the most incredible, spontaneous explosion of sex Deanna had ever experienced, she met Sean’s gaze and caught the spark of amusement lurking in his eyes.

  “What? I’m completely out of breath, and you’re laughing at me?”

  “Not at you,” he insisted, smoothing away her frown. “It just occurred to me that we wasted an entire day painting this place.”

  She looked around at the bright, cheerful walls. “How can you say that? It’s beautiful.”

  “But you’re not going to be living here more than a week or two.”

  She stared at him. “Excuse me?”

  “Isn’t it usual for a husband and wife to live under the same roof?”

  She went perfectly still. “What are you saying?”

  “That I want you to marry me. Today. Tomorrow. As soon as possible.”

  She stared at him. “A few hours ago we were just friends, and now you want to get married right away?” She couldn’t seem to help the incredulity or the panic threading through her voice. “Isn’t that a little sudden?”

  The earlier talk of babies had been one thing. That had been a sometime-in-the-future sort of discussion. This talk about a wedding had an immediacy that terrified her. Sean had kept her senses spinning all night long. Now he was making her dizzy, moving their relationship along at the speed of light.

  He regarded her with understanding. “I know it’s scary,” he soothed, cupping her face in work-worn hands that were astonishingly gentle, hands that could make her tremble with the slightest caress. “But I love you. You love me. And this isn’t sudden. We’ve been getting to this point since the day we met. If you think about it that way, we’ve already been courting for months now. And we owe it to Kevin to let him know that what we feel for each other is permanent.”

  “Let’s leave Kevin out of this for the moment.”

  “How can we?”

  “Because this is about us,” she protested weakly. “We have to do what’s right for us first, or it will be all wrong for Kevin.”

  “Okay,” he said slowly. “Then what are you saying?”

  “That I’m still stunned about the fact that we made love.”

  It was his turn to go still. “Do you regret it?”

  How could she? She met his gaze. “Of course not.”

  “And you do love me, right?”

  She nodded.

  “And Kevin thinks I’ll make an okay dad,” he said.

  “That’s an understatement,” Deanna acknowledged.

  “Then what’s the real problem? Are you going to love me any more if we wait six months to get married? A year?”

  Deanna thought about the logic of that. He was right. Her feelings might deepen, as love tended to do with time, but they wouldn’t change. Not really. The love she’d finally admitted feeling was as real today as it would be months from now. So, why wait?

  “You’re that sure?” she asked, studying his face, astonished that all of his doubts could have disappeared overnight.

  He regarded her solemnly. “I’m that sure,” he confirmed.

  The last of her own doubts vanished. Her heart began to sing. She glanced around at the freshly painted apartment. It was lovely, but it was hardly a reason to delay the inevitable. If there was one thing life had taught her, it was to seize happiness when it came around, for herself, for her son. Summer was almost over. A fall wedding could be beautiful.

  “October?” she asked tentatively, thinking of the changing leaves that could provide a palette for the wedding.

  Sean’s expression brightened. “Is that a yes?”

  She refused to give in so easily. He needed to understand that he couldn’t get his way about everything in their new life. “That’s a maybe,” she corrected. “October’s awfully short notice to pull a wedding together. Maybe next October would be better.”

  “That’s more than a year from now,” he protested. “What if we get cold feet?”

  “I won’t,” she said with certainty. “Will you?”

  “No, but—”

  “If what we’re feeling is real, it won’t hurt to wait.”

  Sean regarded her with obvious disappointment. “Isn’t there anything I can say to persuade you to move things up? How about if I promise to spend every day of my life making you happy, building a family with you that can’t be broken?”

  She touched a finger to his lips. “I already believe that with all my heart.”

  Sean sighed. “Then there’s nothing I can say?”

  “I can’t think of anything,” she said.

  “I guess there is a bright side,” he said finally. “At least Hank won’t win a few hundred bucks from the guys at the station.”

  She stared at him blankly. “What does our wedding date have to do with Hank winning a bunch of money?”

  Sean hesitated, then shrugged. “Now don’t get too upset, but he’s got a bet going at the station. He thinks I don’t know about it, but nothing stays secret down there for long. He bet that you and I would wind up married by fall.”

  “He what?”

  “I told you not to get upset,” he scolded. “All the other guys thought it was a sucker bet. Hell, even I thought it was a sucker bet. I’d have put my money on Hank and Ruby getting to the altar a whole lot faster that the two of us.” He shook his head in disgust. “I can’t believe those two are still dillydallying around. Anybody with two eyes can see they’re meant for each other.”

  Suddenly Deanna saw the humor in the situation. “And if we’re not married by fall, this fall, Hank loses, right?”

  “Exactly.”

  “Maybe I should re-think this,” she said, her expression turning thoughtful. “Winter officially begins December twenty-first.” She snuggled just a little closer to this man who’d taught her to dream again. “I know it’s not quite as soon as you were thinking, and it’s a whole lot sooner than I was planning, but actually I’ve always thought it would be wonderful to get married on New Year’s Eve.”

  “New Year’s Eve,” he repeated slowly, his gaze locked with hers. “This New Year’s Eve?”

  “Seems like the perfect time to commit to a fresh start, don’t you think?” she asked solemnly, trying to keep a grin from spreading across her face.

  For a minute Sean seemed to be absorbing the comment, interpreting it, and then he let out a whoop. Deanna wasn’t entirely sure if Sean’s delight was at her sneaky way of winning the bet or at his success in getting her to say yes to a very short engagement.

  Then his mouth was covering hers, and none of that mattered. In fact, she didn’t have any more doubts about anything at all.

  Epilogue

  Hank was still grumbling about having been cheated out of hundreds of dollars by a few short weeks, but he was decked out in a tuxedo and standing beside Sean as they waited for Ruby and Deanna to walk down the aisle of a church in the neighborhood. They’d considered the same church where Ryan and Maggie had wed, but the reality was that Father Francis’s hands were tied, because Deanna was not only divorced, but Protestant.

  Once the old priest had heard the whole story, though, he’d said, “That doesn’t mean I can’t participate in a service held at another church, if that’s what you two would like.”

  Sean had grinned at his clever way of skirting the rules. It was little wonder Ryan and Maggie adored the man.

  Now, as the organist began to play, Sean’s gaze shot to the back of the church. Kevin appeared first, wearing a tuxedo that was already wrinkled, a cowlick of hair sticking straight up despite the gel Sean had used to tame it. When he spotted Sean, a grin split his face and he started forward, holding tightly to a pillow bearing the rings as if he’d been entrusted with a priceless piece of fragile crystal. Sean gave him an encouraging wink.

  Beside Sean, Hank sucked in a breath as Ruby
appeared in a gown of black velvet that clung to every curve and yet managed to have a totally proper and regal look to it. Sean knew that an engagement ring was all but burning a hole in the pocket of Hank’s tux. If he was any judge of anything having to do with love, Ruby was bound to say yes. New Year’s Eve was going to be a night to remember for all of them.

  Then Deanna appeared, framed by splashes of red and white poinsettias, her white satin gown shimmering in the candlelight. Every single thought in Sean’s head vanished at his first glimpse of her. She was stunningly beautiful, but there was an unmistakable hint of sadness in her eyes that he suspected only he could see. He also thought he knew the cause.

  He held his breath before finally catching a movement just to her side. He heard a whisper, saw her gaze shift and a look of wonder spread across her face. Until that moment Sean hadn’t been sure he’d done the right thing. Now he knew he had.

  A tall, distinguished-looking man stepped into place beside Deanna and held out his arm. After the slightest hint of hesitation Deanna linked her arm through her father’s, and together they walked toward the front of the church.

  When they reached Sean’s side, her father, his eyes misty, bent and kissed her, then placed her hand in Sean’s. His gaze held Sean’s for just a minute and then he moved to take a seat beside a woman who was unashamedly crying in the front row.

  Apparently hearing the faint sound, Deanna gasped. Her gaze flew toward her mother, and for an instant Sean thought she was going to burst into tears, too, but she rallied and turned back to face him, her eyes shining.

  “Thank you,” she whispered. “I know you did this.”

  “I wanted this wedding to be perfect.” Then he leaned closer to whisper, “Don’t cry. People will think you don’t really want to marry me.”

  She blinked back the threatening tears and smiled. “Better?”