Say You Love Me

by J. S. Cooper

  “Luke Skywalker?” he said with a laugh, and I shook my head.

  “No. Not Luke Skywalker.”

  “So, how did you guys meet?” he asked me again. This time his voice was tight and his eyes were a little colder. I gazed back at him and for a second part of me wanted to ask him if he really cared or if he was just asking to ask.

  “I actually met him through a girl at work.” I smiled, not knowing why I was lying. Maybe I felt like I was a loser admitting I’d met him online. “He came to a happy hour with her boyfriend and we kinda hit it off.”

  “Wow, look at you. Just reeling them in.”

  “Oh, yeah, that’s me. I get all the guys—hook, line and sinker.”

  “Well, that’s why you pretty girls always have it easier than us men.”

  “Ha, yeah, okay.” I laughed, though I was on cloud nine that he’d called me pretty. Why was I so pitiful?

  “So what does he do?”

  “I can’t really remember. I guess I will find out tonight.” I laughed. “I was a little tipsy when we met, but he seems like a really nice guy. Really friendly, really funny, really sweet.” I knew I was laying it on thick, but I wasn’t sure what else to say.

  “Friendly, funny and sweet?” Cody’s facial expression was almost stoic now. “Is that all you girls look for now?”

  “Well, you know.” I laughed, feeling suddenly better that he wasn’t looking so happy. “He’s super-hot as well.”

  “Because super-hot means a lot, right?” he said with a sneer.

  “Oh, yeah, it means everything to me.” I rolled my eyes. “All my boyfriends need to be super-hot.”

  “So he’s your boyfriend now?”

  “I hardly think so.” I rolled my eyes at him. “This is technically our first date. We’ve only met once before this.”

  “So maybe after tonight he’ll be your boyfriend? Or do you need multiple dates for that to happen?”

  “For what to happen? What are you going on about, Cody?” I asked him in confusion. “You’re not really making much sense.”

  “I’m just helping you think about what you want. The important questions,” he said with a frown. “How long will it take for you guys to be an official couple?”

  “I have no idea. I don’t even know if he’s interested.”

  “I guess ask him tonight.”

  “I’m not going to ask him that. That’s ridiculous. I would look crazy. Who asks someone if they want to be boyfriend/girlfriend after one date?”

  “You’re not asking him that specific question, you’re asking him how many dates it will take for him to consider that relationship with you.”

  “I’m not asking him either of those questions.”

  “Why not?”

  “Why are you being so ridiculous, Cody?” I frowned. “I barely know this guy. I’m not going to ask him anything about relationships. I’m not desperate.”

  “Okay, sure. If you say so.”

  “Yeah, I say so.” I was annoyed.

  “I mean, I know you really want to meet someone.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I sat up straight and my tone changed.

  “I mean, now that Mila is getting married, I suppose your biological clock is ticking.”

  “You’re an asshole.”

  “I’m just telling the truth as I see it.”

  “You see me as some desperado who is dying to get married? Is that what you’re saying?”

  “Would I say that?” He gave me a huge grin. “I mean, would I call you a desperado?”

  “Yeah, I think you would.” I didn’t grin back, my feelings super hurt.

  “I’m just joking, Sally. I hope your date with Luke goes well and if you guys want to come join us at the concert later, just let me know.”

  “Yeah, I’ll see.”

  “What are you guys doing, anyway?”

  “I think dinner and a movie?”

  “Movie?” He made a face. “That’s not a good first date option. What talking can you do there?”

  “It’s an art-house movie. I think he said he wanted to grab a coffee afterwards and discuss.”

  “Boring.”

  “Cody!” I admonished him, but laughed slightly as I did think that the date sounded a bit lame. I mean, I liked movies, but what exactly was an art-house movie and what were we going to be discussing afterwards? I wasn’t sure I even knew what to look for in the movie and I was hoping I didn’t fall asleep.

  “I just hope you don’t fall asleep on the guy,” he said and our eyes met for a few seconds. I wondered if he could read my mind. Wondered if he knew that all he needed to say was that he didn’t want me to go and the date would be done. Wondered if he knew he was the only guy I wanted to fall asleep on, in more ways than one.

  “Yeah, I don’t anticipate that happening,” I said and waited for him to say something, anything that would be a real indication that I shouldn’t be attempting to move on.

  “Good, you want to make a good impression.” He grinned at me then and rubbed his stomach. “Man, I’m so hungry.”

  “Yeah, me too.” I nodded at him, realizing that the conversation about my date was over. And I felt like I was the only one who was feeling bad about everything. He didn’t seem hurt or jealous and that was actually making me feel worse inside. Why couldn’t he just feel the same way that I did? Why couldn’t he love me? Why couldn’t he just, for one second, react in the way that I wanted him to? I just didn’t know how to get rid of these feelings. I didn’t know how to stop loving him. I just wanted to cry. I just wanted to go home and lie in my bed and feel sorry for myself. I didn’t even want to go on the date with Luke anymore. Yes, I was attracted to his photos, but not in the same way that I was to Cody in real life. Just seeing Cody made my heart skip a beat. I wasn’t sure if it was healthy—well, I knew it wasn’t healthy. I knew that I was obsessed. I knew that I was driving myself crazy. I knew that I was making myself sick and depressed. I knew that I was in the worst possible position that I could be in, in this situation. I knew, at the bottom of my heart, that I needed to let go of Cody. I couldn’t keep going through this. I couldn’t stop feeling this way. It was just breaking my heart. Every time I saw him, I wanted to cry. Well, not when I saw him. It was always after I saw him. Always when the emptiness hit me. That was when I wanted to cry and curl up inside of myself. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t want to feel this way anymore. I didn’t want to be so depressed that I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t want my dreams to be filled with him. I didn’t want my every waking moment to be filled with wishing that I could be with him.

  Sometimes I felt like I was wishing upon a star—a sad, lonely, low-hanging star. A star that shone so brightly, had so much hope, seemed so close, but when I reached up, it was always just out of my grasp. Always just a little too far away. I wanted to believe that one day I’d get there, that I’d be able to hold it in my hands, but it was elusive, ever elusive, and I didn’t know if I had the time or energy for one day any more. I just didn’t know what the point was. One day a million things could happen. One day I could be dead. One day, one day, one day nothing could happen. One day, I could wake up and realize that I’d wasted my whole life reaching for something that was always just out of reach. I knew that today was the day that I had to change. I needed to be done with the games. I needed to be done with the dreams and the hopes. I needed to just be done. I needed to take care of the heart that was breaking inside of me. I needed to heal. If I didn’t, I wasn’t sure if I wouldn’t sink into an even deeper hole. A hole that I’d never get out of. And that scared me more than a life without Cody. I couldn’t keep living like this. I had finally come to the realization that I had to give up. I just didn’t know how.

  “By the way,” I said, needing to come clean, “I lied. I met him online. We’ve exchanged a few emails, but this will be the first time we’re meeting.” I gave Cody a crooked smile. “But you’re right, Mila getting engaged to TJ has made me rea
lize I want a serious boyfriend. I want someone to love me who I can love back. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.”

  “It’s not,” he said slowly, his eyes never leaving mine as he gave me a small, weak smile. “I think you deserve the best, Sally. You really do.”

  “Thank you,” I said, my heart breaking.

  “I hope he’s a great guy,” he continued. “I hope you fall in love and he can be the man you need and want. I hope that you find everything you’re looking for. You’re a great girl and you deserve the best.”

  “Thanks,” I said, my heart being torn out of my body at his words. All hope had left the building. It had hit me once again. Cody didn’t love me. He never would. He didn’t care. At all. He never would. My heart sank with a thousand ships and my spirit left me. It was all I could do to keep a smile on my face as we sat there, both of us looking away and fiddling with our cutlery as we waited for Mila and TJ to bring out our lunch.

  Chapter 13

  Cody

  I wanted to punch someone or break something. All through lunch all I could think about was Sally going on her date with Luke. What sort of name was Luke? I could already tell by his name that he was a loser. Sally could do way better than him. And dinner and a movie? And discussing the movie at a coffee shop afterwards? What was that? Some sort of new code for getting her to his place so he could try and sleep with her? I hoped Sally was smarter than that. This guy was trying to Netflix and chill her by using some sort of high-class tactic. At least girls I slept with knew the deal. I wasn’t trying to pretend I was going to make them my wife. They knew that a hookup was a hookup. And nine out of ten times it was at their place, so I didn’t have to worry about them becoming a stage-five clinger and hanging out at my place the next day. There was nothing worse than a hookup trying to stay the night and then waking up to them cooking me breakfast the next day. That was always awkward for me. Sometimes I couldn’t even remember their names. I knew it was bad, but it wasn’t like I’d lied to them. They’d known the deal. Sex was sex. What guy turned down sex? Well, me—once. But that had been different. That had been with Sally. And, well, I couldn’t just do casual sex with her.

  “Lunch was delicious. Thank you, Mila.” Sally beamed at my sister after finishing her cheesecake and I watched as she folded her napkin and placed it next to her plate on the table. She gazed at me for a second, gave me a quick smile and then looked away. “I think I should get going soon. I’ve a lot to do today.”

  “Oh?” I said, feeling annoyed for some reason. “Need to get ready for your date?”

  “Yeah, kinda.” She nodded, looking slightly embarrassed.

  “Let me give you some advice. Guys prefer a more natural look, so maybe stay away from too much makeup, and no slutty clothes.”

  “Cody.” Mila’s voice was sharp. “What the hell?”

  “I’m just giving Sally some pointers.”

  “Are you saying I normally wear too much makeup and slutty clothes?” Sally’s voice was unsure.

  “No, I mean, I’m sure every woman has at some point. I’m just saying don’t wear them tonight. And don’t be a fool and go back to his place to listen to music or whatever. Because he doesn’t want you to listen to music, he wants to get you in bed. And that means one thing.”

  “Okay,” Sally said simply. I could feel TJ and Mila staring at me, but I couldn’t stop talking.

  “And I know you want a relationship, so honestly, having sex on the first through fifth date is not a good idea. The guy just won’t look at you the same way.”

  “So that’s something you live by, then, Cody?” Mila asked me sarcastically. “That’s your dating philosophy as well?”

  “I’m not looking to get married or have kids.” I shrugged. “At least not anytime soon. So if I’m hooking up, that’s all I care about.”

  “Good to know,” Mila said and stood up abruptly. “Anyone want any cheese and crackers?” she said as she glared at me.

  “Sure,” TJ said with a nod.

  “I’ll help you,” Sally said and stood up quickly as well and they both left the room hastily. I looked over at TJ, who was grinning widely at me, and I frowned.

  “What?” I asked him, wondering what he found so amusing.

  “Dude, what are you doing?” He leaned forward and spoke softly.

  “What do you mean what am I doing?”

  “What’s with the rude advice to Sally?” He shook his head. “ ‘Don’t wear too much makeup’?”

  “I was just telling her how it is from our side. You know, I’m looking out for her.”

  “Are you falling for her?” His eyes narrowed as he gazed at me.

  “What?” I looked at him like he was crazy. “Of course not.”

  “Uh huh?”

  “Dude, we almost had sex last week and I stopped it, okay?” I lowered my voice as I spoke. “If I wanted her, I could have hit it and quit it and moved on already.”

  “No, you couldn’t have, and maybe the reason you didn’t is because you like her.” TJ’s blue eyes looked into mine intensely.

  “I’m telling you that I like her as a friend. She’s Mila’s best friend and, well, we’ve become a lot closer recently as well. I consider her a good friend.”

  “Really, dude?”

  “Really.” I nodded. “That’s it. I mean, yeah, she’s pretty and she’s pretty awesome, but you know me, I don’t do relationships.”

  “I know you don’t.” He shook his head. “But I’m telling you this as a friend—if you have feelings for Sally, you’d better act on them soon. And if you don’t, don’t play around with her anymore.”

  “I’m not playing around with her.” I glared at him. “What sort of man do you think I am?”

  “I know how it can be, Cody.” TJ made a face at me. “When I started falling for Mila, it was really hard for me to accept. I never saw myself as this guy who could fall in love and want to be with one woman forever, but I learned to accept that I was.”

  “Dude, we’re not the same. Also, you were sleeping with my sister.” I glared at him. “You were already taking advantage of her, so I’m glad you manned-up, because you know I would have had to kill you if you didn’t.”

  “Look, I’m just saying that I think we’ve all noticed your hostility when it comes to Sally and other guys and, well personally, I think there is only one reason for that.”

  “I’m not in love with Sally.” I shook my head vehemently. “I’m trying to be a good friend to her. I want her to meet a good guy,” I said, though inside I wasn’t sure I was ready for her to actually start dating someone seriously. I didn’t know what that said about me and how I felt, though I knew I didn’t love her or anything.

  “You can tell yourself what you want, Cody, but I’m just letting you know what it looks like from this side. Just don’t ignore your feelings until it’s too late.” TJ shrugged. “I know you see yourself as the ultimate playboy, but sometimes you need to dig a little deeper.”

  “Dig a little deeper?” I laughed. “What is this, a sermon from the Oprah Winfrey show?”

  “You’re an idiot.” TJ shook his head at me and laughed. “I’m just telling you man-to-man, I don’t know that Sally’s going to be single forever and I don’t want you to wake up one day and think to yourself that she’s the one who got away.”

  “Trust me, bro, it’s not like that,” I said, starting to feel annoyed. It was at that moment that Mila and Sally walked back in the room with the cheese and crackers. I looked up into Sally’s laughing face and studied her long black hair and big brown eyes, her lips wide as she laughed, and for a few seconds her smile was turned towards me, her eyes gazing deeply into mine with a happy expression, and I felt my mood lifting. She was so beautiful. It was a pity that we wanted different things. I knew in that instant that I didn’t want her going on a first date with Luke. I didn’t want her sleeping with him, but I knew that was selfish of me. I wasn’t looking for anything more than casual.

&nbs
p; Sally and Mila sat down then, and I found myself leaning forward and resting my hand on Sally’s leg under the table. I wasn’t sure why I felt the need to touch her, but I did.

  “Cody?” she said and looked at me with a hesitant smile as my hand moved up her leg slowly.

  “Yes?” I said with a smile, teasing her.

  “Cheese?” she said, her eyes asking me a question she didn’t dare ask out loud as my hand slid up under her skirt.

  “Sure.” I nodded, my fingers finding their way to her panties. I felt her shifting in her chair and I tried not to laugh. I rubbed gently against her bud and I could feel her panties growing wet. I felt a surge of power running through my body as my fingers increased their pace. I felt powerful and happy. Let her remember this moment when she’s on her date with Luke.

  “So, do you know what movie Luke will be taking you to tonight?” Mila asked Sally, and I could feel myself growing pissed again at the fact he was being brought up.

  “No, not sure,” Sally said softly. “Something he really likes, though. He said he knew one of the cinematographers or something.”

  “Impressive,” Mila said, and Sally nodded.

  “Yeah, I’m really excited.” She smiled. “I think it will be fun.”

  “Sounds like a lot of fun,” I said simply and then slipped my fingers inside the side of her panties so that I was touching her, skin to skin. She gasped and her legs tightened as I rubbed her even more intimately now, her panties pushing my fingers close against her as I continued to play with her. “I’m sure you and Luke will really hit it off,” I continued as I tried to slip a finger inside of her. Unfortunately, given our position, I couldn’t, but that didn’t stop me from trying.

  “Yeah, thanks.” Sally glanced at me, a bedazzled look on her face, and I felt her hand coming down on mine and tugging gently to remove it from her panties. I rubbed her for a few seconds more until she was even wetter and then I withdrew my fingers and sat back. I stared at her face for a few seconds and smiled. She was flushed and her lower lip was quivering. I knew she must be horny as hell right now. Shit, I was horny as hell. I wanted to make sure that tonight, while she was on her date, she was thinking of me.